Thankful

My legs were giving up on me while I walking in SM Makati, one evening, looking for an exchange gift for one of the Christmas dinners I would be attending. The sad part is I never saw anything close to what was asked in my 'baby's' wishlist. Gift giving should never be this stressful, is what I had in mind while trying to make myself believe that I can still find something reasonable in SM.

As I was about to walk out from the mall, I noticed the security guards on duty, who I assumed where required to stand all day and keep within their posts. And then as I walk past the side of Glorietta 4, passing Bacolod Chicken, I noticed the tiredness in the eyes of a waiter who was patiently waiting for customers to finish their dinners. i did not feel a sudden surge of energy, but a very overpowering moment of humility; that despite my difficulty in finding a decent gift, and the stress I feel looking for one, I might not be as tired as others are.

There are truly so many things I need to be thankful for this year. And that is not excluding all the moments when I felt drained and out and helpless and emotionally burnt out. For in those moments of weakness, I personally felt the greater power and the loving care of my God. I truly believe that in man's moments of weakness, God's power is exemplified. It is through those experiences that I was able to appreciate the better times in my life.

Last January, I hailed 2009 as my year; that I will get the best and that good things will happen not just to me but to the people who matters to me. I claimed it and lived it. And I am thankful I did. Looking back, it was indeed a good year.

Now, I am declaring that 2010 will be a better year for me and my family. I am claiming it.

Learned my lessons well

That's right. I think I did from the last heartbreak. And now, I am little by little becoming successful at averting another emotional debacle from happening. I am maybe shallow, gullible, and cheesy but I know that I am putting to good use the more important lessons I have learned not too long ago: never jump until 100% sure that someone or at least something will take the fall - a safety net perhaps and with that I mean literally.

Anyhow, part of my resolve to minimize the effects of infatuation is to keep as far away as possible from the object of my affection. And I think it is working. The pull is not as strong compared to the time when I first felt it but its still there. I managed to tell myself that controlling my emotions will take time and practice and constant practice would probably mean in this case, doing it everyday - working day that is. Somehow, pushing myself away is the best remedy to alleviate the fear of hurting again because in my case, giving in to what I like is the root cause of all of my heart's suffering.

I hope I succeed. A stable life may be boring but going through heartbreak after heartbreak should not be my idea of fun. I have this feeling that its suicide committed over a long period of time. For now, I'd really want to be safe than sorry again.

Flickering Hope and some other rantings

Since last Monday, I have managed to wake up at 5am and be in the office not later than 630am. The sad part of it is that I go home at around 8pm and on some days, as late as 10PM. This weekend I was not able to go home and as a consequence my father found a reasonable cause to make me the recipient of his anger (unworthy or worthy is a question that can be answered depending on whose side one wants to take). The truth is I am really tired to even go home. Not that I do not want to see my family, its just that I do not want to do be bothered by all the little things I encounter when I do. When at home, I cannot help but be overly conscious of how untidy our place is, how sad I become whenever I see my father waste his time away with trivial worries, and how worried I get seeing how I am not understanding my brothers well.

Being this tired gives me sometime to think of how my life is going. I have a good paying job, I think, because I can now shoulder the tuition of my brothers even if it means no savings for me at all; but then again it requires that I be at work 12 hours of the day most of the time. I can't help but be reminded of how some people would say, 'we work to live not live to work', because right now, living to work seems to be the way things are going for me.

My siblings and I keep on reassuring one another that we are nearing the end of our difficulties. I just gave my brother the initial payment for the tuition of our youngest sibling. Then I told him that his will be given by the end of the week. That's one more semester to go for me. I do not know if the pressure is really taking a toll on me because even my hope starts to flicker with the thought that what if after all of this, we still end up with more problems, particularly having to deal with a depressed father. Just the thought makes me want to cry. With the remaining strength in me, I uttered a silent prayer, that we may be able to overcome all of this and emerge victorious.

Then there was my dream job. I thought it was really the time for me to start doing the kind of work I have been dreaming of since college but the best that I got was that he'll get back to me. I know that that is what I want but then again even when it was almost within my reach, it still remained elusive.

And then my non-existent lovelife. My stubborn self keeps on repeating the same mistake, falling for someone who is just naturally nice. Boo. Boo. Boo to the nth power.

I am trying to summon the remaining courage in me to hold on to the faith that has kept our Christian faith alive. I cannot give up now.

Stressed

..over my emotions; finding it hard to concentrate on the things I need to do.

360 degrees

Let me make it final. I am not moving out of Citi. I thought I was but then the contract, the much awaited contract did not arrive. Am I sad? A bit. Do I feel like I have been led on? Not really. But I do realize that I am back to square one. There goes my ticket to Switzerland, gone with the wind.

Traffic Jam and the Butterflies

No, not the traffic on the streets. More like virtual traffic. I am waiting for the documents I need to sign to make my move official but it seems to have been delayed somewhere. It might not have been approved. It might not have been written yet. I don't know. I don't know what to say because honestly, I don't know if I am now really ready to move out.

Before the training team accepted me, I was so damn sure that I will have to get out of Citi before this year ends. I was bent on sacrificing so much just so I could get out. I don't even know if its karma or what but now I can't seem to feel happy whenever I think of leaving Citi.

I like my job as a trainor but I know that my destiny is to be a negotiator and see the world. Something inside tells me that I will have the time and opportunity to do it. Darn, I'm quite torn about this. Though I know that I like what is being offered to me, I know as well that I like what I am doing now.

I was told that a choice between two evils is a moral decision, while a choice between two goods is a Christian one. For the past weeks, I have been summoning the wisdom of the world and the heavens to shed some light on my predicament so that I can make the best decision for me. I was hoping that the offer will still be there but its reality be delayed until I am given such time to fully enjoy my work and give back what I have learned from Citi.

For now, I have resolved to enjoy whatever time left I have in Citi and cherish the company of great people surrounding me. I hope that whatever relationships I have establish will last even after I have gone from the company.

=============================

On a different note, I find myself crushing over someone, again; someone unexpected and someone spotted not by me but my colleagues. I was surprised that he took notice of me and initiated a conversation. I like the way everything happened, it was spontaneous, it was fun. I didn't even go to see the program happening just so I could spend time with him. And then I'm falling again. Helplessly infatuated.

Sucks to be me during these times. I can't help it. I like him and I know that I cannot tell anyone because I will die - of shame. I don't know why I feel this way but every time I do, I know that the only way for me to get over a guy I like is to let it out. The more I try to suppress the feeling, the stronger it becomes and its like the metaphor, butterflies in my stomach, have grown ten times bigger and stronger because I swear its taking over my mood, especially when I don't get to see him.

I hate that I am figuring out myself. I hate that I know that its not enough for me to write about this. I have to let someone know. I can never get over this feeling without sharing this with another soul!

Ave!!!!

Going after Fate

I know of a saying that goes, "Fate will only take you so far, once you are there, it is up to you to take the next steps" or something like that. Not until last Thursday did I fully understand what this actually means and how it feels to be taken by fate so far until I realize that his part is done and its my turn to take the steps. I am still overwhelmed, excited, scared, a bit confused but hopeful nevertheless because of the opportunity that came my way, not that I did not actively seek it. It is as if heaven's gate opened and finally granted the prayer I have long been praying.

Next month, I will be joining the government labor force under the Executive branch. I almost gave up on this. But never to the hope that I will be getting better opportunities. Now, its almost official (almost because I haven't signed the papers yet and my new boss has not yet sent the document). I'll be doing what I love to do and what I hope I would do.

Thank you for the opportunity.

New Post

SO I started my role as a trainer - Associate Trainer at that because I'm still on a probationary period, what they call as the internship term. It is challenging and exciting; there are a lot of things to look forward to and also constant psyching to do in order to get on with the trainer mode. I am still, quite unfortunately, taking calls for escalation but not the whole day. Honestly, I haven't got much to say about my new post. I am thankful that they - the management, has finally agreed to release me but I feel a growing fear within me saying that I might not be able to perform the job well but then again I am trying to do away with the pessimism. I just hope everything works out well for me.

What's bugging you?

One friend is battling age-old insecurities, probably more; another one troubled because she is hard-pressed to choose between loyalty and truth; some other colleagues I know are struggling at work, with policies and people they unfortunately are with; an officemate recently learned that her mom has the big C; and my cousin is determined to keep up with her current lifestyle even in the throes of a financial quandary.

What's keeping me occupied? A dream scholarship, an ideal job, financial struggles, worries over a depressed dad and unemployed sister. Sometimes, I whine about the things I have to worry about not that I don't realize I might just be expecting too much from an imperfect world. The thing is, the world is as perfect as it can be. Things happen as they should; people meet, greet, talk, fall in and out of love, quarrel, laugh, and so on and so forth as they should, and shit happens even when we beg the mercy of the powers that be to postpone it to some other day. The harsh reality is that the world will continue on turning regardless if I choose to move on or not. The decision is mine and I am going to make it.

Hoping for better things to come? Definitely.

Flashes of Light

There's this untiring spirit within me that is yearning and waiting to be free; to see the world and live life just how it unfolds; to muster the courage to go through pain, difficulties, challenges, and what-have-yous, and come out better, stronger, happier, and more thankful. Right now, there is one dominating desire in me: to travel and conquer different places - get to know other cultures and learn about how life is and maybe, just maybe find a little of piece of myself in every country. Not too long ago, I was afraid I've lost this passion; this passion about life, about the goodness there is, the greatness that is always waiting to unfold, the love that is always there to be shared, laughters that never fails to lighten one's load, friendships that make challenges more bearable, the dream that is worth following and the destiny that is waiting to be fulfilled. I've prayed so hard for it to come back. Four years from that time, it finally came alive again.

I thought about what life will I look back at when I sit on a rocking chair, 50 or 60 years from now. I thought about death and how it will take my life from me. I thought about how much I am trying to preserve the life I have, instead of just simply living it. Fear is eating me whenever I think of gruesome, brutal, and not to mention painful ways of dying. May I be worthy to receive the gift of dying after having gone through everything that my heart and spirit desires, regardless whether I am capable of putting them to words today. May I be strong enough to go through the ups and downs of life - climbing a mountain, running a race, crossing a river or sea, winning a challenge, or just simply finishing a task.

May the day comes when at the moment of sunset, as the world bids goodbye to another day, and say hello to another night, will I also close my eyes and embrace the call of the after life, never losing the passion to live even in death and welcoming the challenge beyond.

Devil's Advocate

I once tried to squeeze my brains and heart out for that one thing that will make me happy. An occupation, a job, or passion that I would want to do for the rest of my life. I know for one thing that it has something to do with international affairs but I am not sure in what field. Something in me, tells me that though development work is a good field, and fairly noble at that, it is not meant for me. While going through the hazards and pains and yes, sometimes the comforts of my job, I found what I have long been looking for. I wanted to deal with conflict and crisis management. I somehow feel its a lot closer to what I have been currently doing, which is complaints management. Even I was surprised when I realized that this is something I could really work on.

Now, having known this, brings me to another dilemma: looking for an alternative. Why am I doing this after having gone through the pains of searching for it, I asked myself as I type away words that will complete this entry. I know, its because I think, I am trying to gauge if this is really what I want to do. I am trying to test whether the temptations of comfort, of an easier life will make me want to take back my decision. After thinking of a viable alternative, like teaching English in Korea, or becoming a full-pledged trainer of some sort, I realized that later on, it will never fill that empty space that only my passion for international affairs can fill. If probably, training will have something to do with training new negotiators or policy analyst or peacemakers or keepers, then I guess that'll do. But I want to make sure that there's no turning back. I want to be my own devil's advocate because I want to be responsible for this decision.

Early Birthday Wishes

I just want to write them down so I would not forget:

A pair of swimming googles, the nice Speedo ones will definitely do.
One-piece halter swimsuit from Speedo
Make up kit with the complete paraphernalia =)
Backpack
CD of songs done by string accompaniment, anything that has a cello playing would be nice

Looking through windows of the soul

I met a new acquaintance from Ateneo Law School last Wednesday during the 6th Birthday Party of WYA in Eastwood and I commented on how difficult law school is, not to mention the work after you graduate and how some close family friends wanted me to become a lawyer. I told him that though the idea did cross my mind, it was no where near serious. We find ourselves in the not-so-ordinary act of disclosing our ages and I jokingly told him that I was 14. He looked me in the eyes and half-smiling, he replied back, "No, you don't."

"I don't?", I asked in astonishment, as he was the first to tell me this.

"No, you won't pass the high school look anymore, because there is wisdom in your eyes."

The years of experience has finally shown in my eyes.

I felt an unusual mix of 'kilig' and relief. I don't know why.

==========

Bloomfields

I did not have any ride home after the party and so I parted ways with Ren heading towards Mcdo where a few taxis are waiting. That night, Bloomfields was playing in the concert grounds and though I really need to go home, I can't fight the urge to stop and watch and listen to my favorite band play. Luckily, I saw some familiar faces, Abel and Relyn and her friends, who were already dancing to the beat of Bloomfields' music. What was a supposed to be a short stop became an unexpected spontaneous party with friends who I happen to be with for the first time. It was a most refreshing experience. I'm not sure if I can come back to Eastwood again, but I want to, even if I'm on my own. Relyn and her friends told me the band usually plays every Wednesday and I got so excited knowing that I can enjoy the music and the band on a regular basis, that is if I find the courage to go every Wednesday to Eastwood.

I wish someone would bring the Bloomfields to Makati. I wish.

Constant heartache

I don't know why but I started to feel constant heartaches everyday. Is it the thought of a love lost, of a love not yet found, or a love that can never be? I hope this emotional ordeal would only make me stronger. It was hard before when there was someone to whom this affection was directed to. But it is never easier now even though no one is the rightful recipient.

I've been daydreaming a lot. Even in my most conscious state, I tend to get lost in my what ifs and what could be. And you can never miss the fact that most of my daydreams are about my future life with my future better half. Oh yes, I would argue; I'll even build a case against it; I will deny to death that I am thinking of these things but the truth is, I am just another ordinary girl with grand dreams of what love is to come.

According to my astrological character, I'm a person ruled by love. It is however, not particularly specific whether this is love of family, friends, or that special partner. I think I am definitely ruled by it. I would like to think though that my love is one that empowers. In the meantime, I seriously need to snap out of my reveries.

Les Choristes

This is for the 3rd WYAAP Film Night. For those who are interested, please contact me.

Choice

I have been doing novena to our Mother of Perpetual Help asking for a better job. I was hoping for refuge from the nasty and sometimes cruel insults of irate customers who for some reason or another found an anomaly in their financial situation. I didn't think I'd be in this job but I am. I'd say no one will ever know how much agony I have suffered and is still suffering from this almost thankless job; but I am still here. And ironically, it is by choice.
Whether it’s a lack of confidence in me or in opportunities, I think I am consciously choosing to be here. The only reason I have is that the monetary compensation suffices. Reality bites and in my case, it bites hard enough to leave a scar. I need to be here so that I can cope with the financial demands of my family. So that whenever my siblings would run to me for relief, I could offer something, not minding whether what I have given them is already allocated for another future obligation. I can probably live knowing that I have little time to chase my dreams than to know that I have been of no help in giving my siblings the opportunity to be in the same capacity as I am. This in so far as I can remember is the promise I have given to my mom before she passed away. And I think that life is asking me or is helping me to fulfill it.
I would always be reminded of WYA's training on freedom: how as humans we are free. We are free to choose and make decisions to help us be the best that we can be - excel in our chosen paths. A friend once told me that I shouldn't be grieving or be sad that I choose this one over following my dreams because life still affords me the chance to chase my dreams but the chance to help my family at this stage in their life may just come once. We believe in WYA that family is where we nurture our dignity first and with this, I believe that by living this example of selfless giving, I am showing just how this knowledge is nurturing my personality and my character as a person, as a human with dignity and hopefully would inspire my family to do the same.
Yet again, I cannot blame me for feeling low and depressed over the choice I have made. To live sanely everyday knowing that I am again going to subject myself to 8 hours of torture, trying to fix other people’s problems and be shouted at, berated, and insulted, is really a difficult task. Whenever I try to place myself in my peers’ position, knowing how difficult my job is and all that I can really say is that, I can do this but honestly, I can never imagine the challenge I have to face every day.
There are times when I would just dream of that day when I would walk for the last time in the corridors from the pantry to our station and hug the people who have made my stay bearable and wish for them the same freedom I will be living once I get out this job. To this very moment, I feel like I am still unsure when I would take my last walk. Every now and then I’d cry my heart out because I feel like I had to take a choice forced upon me by destiny. And then I’d bounce back and tell myself that I will take it one day at a time. I say my prayers every morning and every night, asking for divine providence to help me stay for another day just so I can give what I can. It helps although sometimes, it makes me nauseous, to think that I have chosen this.
I want to think that I have a good heart and that I am doing this because I love. If in the future, this good heart summons me again to make difficult choices, I hope that I choose because I still love – whether my family, friends, or just any random people.
I pray every moment I have, asking for grace to be strong, not just for me but for the others. I pray and hope in the good things that will come. I pray because I believe God is not sadist. He will not let me go through this without a reason.

Stop while I still can

Just as i predicted, I was bound for another heartbreak. Not sure if I have really gotten over the first one; I tried to feel my chest and check if there is still pain - yep, its still there and now another lash at my recuperating heart. I need to stop while I still can. There is just no learning the lesson for me. I keep on falling knowing but being consciously blind that no one is ever there to catch me. Now, I'm starting to feel that growing old and spending the rest of my life with myself is something possible, not that I want it.

The tears have dried up and I'm guessing the only thing that'll make me cry is the thought of my mom. Other life-changing moments may just end up smashing themselves into a solid wall of numbness. Oh, i just hope no one is reading this. I really hope. Because its me and my lovesick moments again. I think these moments will never really stop until I learn to stop hurting myself.

No more falling for the nearness of you, for mr. responsible, mr. cool, mr. nice guy, mr. intelligent, mr. funny man - no more for me, for now. NO more expectations, no more assumptions, no more hopes and dreams in this aspect of my life, kilig moments, maybe yes, but no more looking forward to anything more. No more.

Call it living backwards; call it living in a lie; call it being coward. No more. No more. No more.

Make no mistake, in the midst of the 'no mores' is the 'getting busy living' part. I will seriously start chasing dreams and taking steps closer to building heaven here on earth, at least while I can.

Wish me luck. The best of luck there is. I'm not sure how long I will hold but I will have to learn the trick. I will have to learn how to be happy without this.

25 Random Things about Me

1. I try to stay away from eating rice because it makes my belly big. As a result, i try to stay away from eating which is usually the cause of terrible migraines, which in turn makes me swear i will never skip a meal, and then I forget. And the cycle continues. But I love to eat. really.

2. One of my biggest dream is to become a supermodel. Its a dream that can probably just happen in a parallel universe, where height is not really an issue.

3. I have been a complaints officer for a year and 5 mos and then I just realized, I really suck at complaints handling.

4. One day i woke and felt that I am destined to become a royalty - as in a princess. I was not sure how, and still am not sure until now, but I really did not even thought that I would have to marry a prince in order to be one. It was only when my officemates laughed at the idea, that I realized I have to find and marry a prince, for real.

5. My ultimate dream is to become a Nobel Peace Prize awardee.

6. I want to see the Nasca lines in Peru, the Amazon forest in Brazil, the Eiffel Tower in France, the caves in Palawan, and the village in Greece where they shot the movie of KC Concepcion and Richard Gutierrez.

7. I want to study in the University of Oslo because so far, its the only university that offers, MA in Peace and Conflict Studies.

8. I want my sister to be married first before me.

9. I want to travel overseas with my whole family, all 8 of us. Papa, ate, mark, martie, gelo, lara, larisse, and me.

10. I love dressing up.

11. When I drink too much alcohol, I can't speak in Tagalog because my tongue gets numb. SO i speak in English, with a British accent.

12. I stopped in college for one whole school year because I was suffering from four ailments: asthma - which is the only thing that has not recurred; ulcer - which comes back from time to time; scoliosis, and migraine - the one killing me right now.

13. I cry when I watch anything that depicts a child missing their moms, or a mom caring for their children. I miss my mom everyday.

14. Sometimes I want to be a housewife.

15. I want to memorize the world map and the position of countries with their capital cities.

16. When I laugh so hard, I have to start jumping up and down and then roll over in order to breathe.

17. I reallly, really, really love to be called by my name.

18. I like memorizing lines from my favorite movies.

19. My favorites movies are Pride and Prejudice, Transformers, Lord of the Rings (all three of them), Longest Yard, White Chicks, A Very Special Love, and I watch them over and over again.

20. I can't sleep more than 10 hours a day (as if I have the luxury) because doing so will trigger my migraine.

21. I love our WYD Team in Sydney.

22. I am soooo talkative. And sometimes I hate this thing about me. I can't just seem to shut up. When I do, I feel like I am a completely different person.

23. I suck at grammar and I am not very good at writing.

24. I love to sing. I told my mom before, I would die if I can't sing.

25. I want to swim. As in do laps. I also want to run. I just had my first race last 24 January at the Fort. I finished #255 in a 5km race from among 355++ participants.

The highs and lows of the moment

I slept late last Friday preparing stuff for my weekend team buildng with WYA peeps. I woke up early and was 2 mins ahead of everyone at our meeting place, was awake for the most part of the trip to Tagaytay and for the rest of the day. This is my high point: being as far away from work as possible. Just thinking about work makes me want to puke. It doesn't really matter whether I drop dead from a day's work from building houses, sneeze all day in an effort to clean our house in the best way possible, suffer from cramps because of excessive swimming or running, stay up late for a paper or because I cannot put down a good book, as long as I am not anywhere near my work. I seem to have energy for almost anything but work.

No more guessing needs to be done, my work, is my low point. I slept earlier last night compared to last Friday and woke up just slightly later than last Saturday morning but I am sleepy still. If I have not been through this before, I would have cried already. I have replayed in mind over and over again the scene of my last day at work, hoping that by doing so, I would be able to pull the days closer, to end my agony here.

So what do you do in cases where in your will seems to be backing out on you?

Hold on still. Keep every little ounce of that struggling will count until such time that it goes out. By that time, something would have happened already. If not the one that you were expecting, then probably the consequence of losing the will. Another bitter pill; another lesson learned, then life goes on.

Words of Wisdom

12 Jan 2009

Fr. Dave Concepcion's homily

Faith is not a mental gymnastics; its an existential experience.

13 Jan 2009

Ia's blog
It's the nature of hearts to break. It's in their job description. When a heart is doing what it's supposed to be doing, it holds nothing back. And sometimes it gets broken.

While we are postponing our joy for a future time when everything will be perfect, life is going on with or without our consent and we are missing it. People come and go, pain comes and goes. But so does joy. And if our hearts are closed because we don't want to suffer, they won't be open enough to recognize the joy as it flies by.

Not so random thoughts

15 Jan 2009

I cannot stop my heart from beating.. and with that said, I cannot stop myself from loving. sad but that's my reality...

..and I'm begging you heart don't change my mind, oh heart, be strong this time and try, to help me tell him goodbye.

What a week!

This was an exciting week. Starting with a great adventure from the beach to a volcano's crater, to laundry, and then death threats, and then saturday run and movie marathon. Who could ask for more?

I am going to stand by my conviction that this is going to be a great year. Great doesnt mean not without the difficulties right? I want to skip the death threat part, it was the most stressful of all. Last friday, I have had to deal with another difficult case. A customer left without funds in Taiwan has had to stay on the line while the approval he is waiting for took three hours to secure.

My week was capped off by a saving grace. I was able to find running mates from my WYA friends and we started the day early, meeting Peejay at 650am, and then with Mike, Tam, and Joel at around 730am. We had our breakfast at Tapa King Katips where we were interviewed by Joy who is doing her thesis on volunteerism. What was spontaneous was how Rica, Peejay, Tam, and I managed to stay until 8pm in the WYA office to watch the newly downloaded movies of Peejay.

The first in line was Be Kind, Rewind, a hilarious movie about how to "swede" films in VHS format. Then we proceeded with Mama Mia! I finally got the chance to finish the movie, and I must say it was cute. Meryll Streep and Pierce Brosnan were really good. We followed it with House Bunny and then the Beach both of which have their own share of stressful moments.

The week was crazy! But I love how it ended. Now I am writing it down. And I am preparing for another crazy one.

I am intimidated

I am afraid of you. I am overwhelmed by your presence. I am scared of your power over me even if you don't know of it.

I am a strong person and my weaknesses only a few people can see. I don't know how to ask of you to protect me because I want to be protected and taken cared of. I am vulnerable but I guess that's hard to see in me. I don't ask for help and I am so used to doing things my way;if I can ask from you, I would. If I can be vulnerable, I would rather be vulnerable with you.

Which force is more poweful, my will or your charm? I have been trying to test the boundaries of my will but I keep on getting fogged off by your charms.

Okai.. scratch this, I'm over thinking it. And the way it is unfolding, im bound for another heartache. What's more, there are two ways this could end up, both which to my disadvantage: that I over think about it or that I over rely on my emotions, either way I end up getting hurt.

Actually there is a third possibility, one that is less undesirable than the two I've just mentioned and that is I learn to shrug this off and move on. A phase, a phase, just a phase. The more that I write about this, the more that I think. I should probably start thinking of something else.

I hate and love

I know how it feels to love and not be loved back in return. I have despised that moment in my life: to be vulnerable in the presence of someone without him knowing it is to feel the wrath of the waves as it smashes to the shore; to find a resolve within you to keep yourself distant and aloof and then see how that resolve evaporates with just one smile from him.

I hate that I am falling for him because I cannot let it happen again. Not again. And I would not let it take away my precious heart and leave it to bleed. I need to stay away from him as far as possible.

I love to love him but I need to preserve myself. This is a decision in consideration of self-preservation. I cannot imagine going through the same ordeal so I'd rather tear myself away from him now while I still can with a smile.

New Year's Resolution

1. On top of my list is to be debt-free. The first debt I know I would be able to eliminate is the money I owe to my cousins - if my calculations are correct, I would be finished paying them back by May. The next one is my Citifinancial loan. I will be done with the repayments by the 20 Aug.

And the last one, the most challenging of all, is my credit card bill. I seem to take on the liberty of swiping it again the moment I pay back my monthly due. From the looks of it, I will be able to finish it off by October. Its going to be a long way to October but I can take it one day at a time. =)

2. The second resolution I have in mind is to be consistent with my prayer time and attending masses. Its a continuation of what I have established last year and I think it will be pretty easy for me to accomplish; I still need to be vigilant though so that whenever temptation knocks, say a spontaneous invitation to party or hang out comes along, I would be able to resist reasonably. I have to be disciplined especially in this matter because I know that I have decided to be faithful and nurturing it by being consistent with my commitments is one way of showing my faithfulness.

3. I want to be highly organized. Take note of all the activities, document my daily routine, plan and organize my appointments and other extra curricular stuff. I also want to manage my finances - savings - this year and be strict in following my savings agenda.

4. I also vow to spend more time with my family and plan more weekend activities with them. Since I am away from home during the weekdays, I only have the weekends to bond with them. I have to think of more ways of spending my weekends with them so that we can get to know more of each other.

5. I also want to be more updated with the current events locally and internationally. I know that it will be a big part of what I want to do so I have to really start by reading up, as much as I can.

Things I am hoping for in 2009

1. I hope my dad would learn how to control and say no to his drinking buddies and to spontaneous invitations and really start living a healthy life.

2. I hope my sister would step up to her responsibilities, not just simply for her daughters but more importantly for herself. I know that insecurities and personal issues are undeniably hard to deal with but I hope that she receives the same kind of motivation as I have, hopefully even more. I also pray for a better working condition for her and a true career she will enjoy doing for the rest of her productive life.

3. I am looking forward to a year of being closer and more bonded with my family - my siblings and my dad. I hope that we can do more things together and really stay together especially in difficult situations. I hope that we can go out regularly and enjoy different kinds cuisines, and try new experiences. I am praying that we get to know each other better, our hopes, our dreams, the little and big things in life that we want. I also pray that we be better off financially and finally get to travel together either within the Phils or abroad (i.e. Hong Kong or Singapore).

4. I pray for a better job, maybe even a promising career for my brother, Mark; I know he is up for it.

5. I hope I would be able to finish all the requirements I need for MA abroad and really get to bag a scholarship and a slot in the University of Oslo in Norway. Its going to be a long shot but I know I have the strongest backer I could have, God. Its written in the bible, whoesoever ask, should ask in faith.

6. To find a new job within the year related to international relations, peace and conflict management, research work, or development related.

7. To be able to save as much as I can in order to add to my lifetime savings.

8. To travel to different places, and see new cultures, meet different people and learn more about life.

9. To keep in touch with old friends, rekindle past friendships and strengthen new ones.

10. To extend myself to anyone or any situation I might be of help.

11. I hope that I would always strive to stay positive no matter what situation I am and to suspend judgment as long as I can to keep me from doing any regrettable decisions later on.

12. That I may finally, finally finish the answers for TRACK A.