Keep moving

People say I am admirable; that I am tough, I am a strong woman. These words ring in my ear in times when I reminisce about better days or when I try to reach for something to inspire me. I borrow what other people think who I am and then proceed from there. There are a lot of times that I don’t feel any of those. I feel like I am scared, always have been scared, I feel very timid, lost at times. The times when I pull myself together are the times when I remember faking it. These people, even the ones I am close with don’t seem to know much about me. I don’t know who does. Sometimes I forget who I am as I get lost in my thoughts and conception of who I am and who I am trying to be. 

I want to be strong. I want be brave. I want to be determined. I want to succeed. I want to conquer my fears. I realised that the more important things in life are not the moments we we are basking in the glory of our successes and victories, or wallowing in the depths of our sorrow, misery or depression. I realised that no matter how outstanding, how great, and how momentous an achievement is, it is fleeting. It will soon fade and people and maybe I will forget when my I reach my physical boundaries. I suppose the more important thing to be good at is to move on, to keep moving on; to know how to work back on my feet after a celebrating a success or to keep on pushing and looking for better ways to achieve a goal after experiencing defeat. 

I have always dreamed big. I thought for a time that I was going to be a princess. I don’t know how but I felt it, I felt very sure about it, as sure as I can breathe air. I have always wanted to work in a multicultural environment - this i can say I am living right now, and I am still over the moon thinking about where I am. I have always wanted to travel the world, to be a flag-bearer of the Philippines in something glorious - be a national treasure, just like Patricia. I can feel it still, there is that strong nagging feeling of greatness trapped inside;Of greatness wanting to become;  of adventure wanting to be lived.

I feel like I am at the threshold of something great - for me, for my family, for my loved ones, my love life, my career. I am excited. I am excited to live. 

The direction is not the goal; it is how you live your life while taking that direction that should be. How fulfilled, how happy, how determined we are while traveling in our chosen directions that makes life worth living. 

Second Letter to Myself

Lady Gail Margaret Pelayo:

Dear Gail, 

I'm glad that you realized how powerful you can become when you make yourself your own bestfriend. You have a cheerleader, sounding board, mentor, motivator, friend, and a-shoulder-to-cry-on all rolled into one. Isn't it nice to not have to look for someone to fit the bill? I can sense how you feel that this moment when you realize that you can rely on yourself has the most potential to carry you through the best and worst of times. 

You are overflowing with emotions right. I can see how you understand that this can be attributed to your monthly cycle. Again, good job for being attentive and for not allowing fear to overcome you. It seems like you are doing really well these days. Looking back, you would be panicking right now with everything that is happening, particularly with what has happened to you and Jason. You are a slave of your heart and i'm glad to witness you becoming a little bit more resilient to these kinds of blow your submissive heart. Just a little bit. Your recovery time has significantly gone shorter and you are becoming more adept at understanding how these things work. 

There's a plethora of issues, you think, that you are confronted with but I want to encourage you to keep on moving, to keep on doing what you need to do, and do what you can do best. Sometimes the best that we can do is to let go and let life surprise us, right? You know what, i have a good feeling about all of these. I can sense a breakthrough at your doorstep; that all of this has a great ending. There is a saying that says, it's going to be alright in the end; if things are not alright yet, then it's not yet the end.

I will get back to you and maybe hope even that i can put all my musings in one place so i can go back to how and who i was in the past. 

Love, 

You

11 Feb 2016

+61 423 774 284:

Dear Gail, 

I'm glad that you realized how powerful you can become when you make yourself your own bestfriend. You have a cheerleader, sounding board, mentor, motivator, friend, and a-shoulder-to-cry-on all rolled into one. Isn't it nice to not have to look for someone to fit the bill? I can sense how you feel that this moment when you realize that you can rely on yourself has the most potential to carry you through the best and worst of times. 

You are overflowing with emotions right now. I can see how you understand that this can be attributed to your monthly cycle. Again, good job for being attentive and for not allowing fear to overcome you. It seems like you are doing really well these days. Looking back, you would be panicking right now with everything that is happening, particularly with what has happened to you and Jason. You are a slave of your heart and i'm glad to witness you becoming a little bit more resilient to these kinds of blow your submissive heart. Just a little bit. Your recovery time has significantly gone shorter and you are becoming more adept at understanding how these things work. 

There's a plethora of issues, you think, that you are confronted with but I want to encourage you to keep on moving, to keep on doing what you need to do, and do what you can do best. Sometimes the best that we can do is to let go and let life surprise us, right? You know what, i have a good feeling about all of these. I can sense a breakthrough at your doorstep; that all of this has a great ending. There is a saying that says, it's going to be alright in the end; if things are not alright yet, then it's not yet the end.

I will get back to you and maybe hope even that i can put all my musings in one place so i can go back to how and who i was in the past. 

Love, 

You

A letter to the universe

Dear universe, 

When will this heartache and ambivalence end? This is like a broken record playing over and over again. Am I so stupid to not learn my lesson every single time? I want to move on from Jason! Please let me move on from Jason. 

K. Thanks. Bye. 

Love, Gail 

A letter to myself - A first of many

Dear Gail, 

I am quite happy to be writing to you and not any of your temporary, volatile self. It seems that you have finally found a more stable side to yourself. It could also be that your hormones are at rest right now hence why you are mostly in control of your emotional and mental state. Regardless, it is good to be talking to you. 

I am still proud of what you have been able to accomplish for yourself. You are going through an interesting phase where in you are not as ‘stressed’ or frazzled - as aussies would call it - despite different things happening all at once. You seem to have accepted the temporariness of your living situation, despite the toll it has on your mildly OCD personality. You are still able to operate well and do what needs to be done - not exactly what you want but again, this is acceptable. 

I am surprised with how you are handling your ‘relationship’ - if you want to call it that - with Jason; how you end up in this situation still baffles me but you are here and somehow, there is this feeling of being above it, of not being entirely affected by it. It is mysteriously interesting, for lack of a better way to describe how I perceive it. I am sure that I will be able to describe it better next time. How long you will continue and will want to continue this is something that is still up in the air and might be entirely dependent on your will alone and whether he finds another woman to play with. I trust that you will be able to settle this with yourself, amicably. 

I want to say a lot more about this mature relations you have with him but I also want to write down more of what runs in my mind for my own peace, so I will get back to you on this. I will. There’s a lot more to say particularly about your vulnerability.

Moving on, I notice how you are coming back with mostly positive thoughts particularly on days when confronted by fear and overwhelming uncertainty of the future, mostly the latter. We already know that you play a big role in your family’s life but it is only now that you are realising how you want to move forward, to get to the next level of your life, and how you want your family to do the same but these obligations left by your dad seems to be keeping you and everyone from doing so. 

Not to mention your sister’s own challenges that makes her a burden to the whole family. That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? To call her a burden. It is, and I must apologise - that is not right. If I had been in her situation, I am so sure that I would have been bad as well. She has shown so much resilience in all of these, all these years. Let’s do what we can Gail to help her as much as we can and look forward, hope for the best. We seem to have lots of it now and we will make use of that. 

As for your brothers, let’s continue praying for them. Just like what the medium told you, from your mom, they are fine. You don’t have to worry about them anymore. They are old enough to take care of themselves. 

Can I just say that you have trust issues? Maybe that’s what it is. You have taken the responsibility most of your life that you don’t think people, especially the ones that you care for can take care of themselves. Well, listen to this, because I have just recently realised this as well after that trip to Manila, together with all the revelations you have, that you have been carrying with you - it’s okay to let them be and to let go and importantly its okay to trust people, even if they don’t meet your expectations. Nothing is perfect, let things happen the way they should and stop controlling things for them to be perfect. There is beauty and goodness in imperfections. 

That was quite a handful but I think that needs to be said so that you can think and remember it and eventually live it. 

As for what you want to achieve i.e. permanent residency and promotion, and what your heart desires i.e. a partner in life - I think you should continue being positive and do what you can within your power so that at the end, when you realise whether you get them or not, you will have no regrets. You will understand that it really wasn’t for you if you have done what you can and still didn’t get it. 

Continue talking to me, Gail. Let’s sort out as much as we can so that you can be at peace. I think that is doable, I think that you are in the threshold of a breakthrough, a big one. 

I’ll give you sometime to breakdown your thoughts so that next time, we’ll have more to talk about. 

I must say, I am liking this conversation. Hopefully, you get to write down in the future a good reflection of all of this. Don’t forget that you still owe a 33rd and 34th birthday essay. 

Talk to you soon. 

Gail