Not knowing any better

I carry mixed emotions when it comes to issues on love and relationship. I really do not have much to say except that in this field, I am undoubtedly inexperienced. I sometimes feel a pang of envy on those who are currently with someone and those who do not seem to have any difficulty finding a new affair after the end of the previous one. And yet I am also hopeful that despite the wait, the right person will find its way to my doorstep.

It is almost impossible to evade the question of why I have had no significant other for quite sometime given my age. Its true that come family reunions, the night will not end without multiple questions on my lack of partner or even the fact that I never had one for 10 years. Well at least for me, there was once a time when I was with someone, but that's to be discussed some other time. While the youth squander their opportunities by giving in to the heat of the moment, I never haven't been given the chance to even enjoy the comforts of a relationship with the opposite sex - in a level more than just being friends. Nobody would argue that I am in a hurry. For not having a partner for close to ten years can be considered taking too much time on my own.

When I'm with my fellow single friends, we laugh about how the world and our lives seemed to have progressed; we graduated with honors, have gone to places, achieved quite remarkable distinctions, moved up the corporate ladder and some other kind of ladders, cried hard, partied harder - all but have a true relationship with a true partner. Our tendency is to rationalize our situation and believe that the right moment has not yet arrived for our perfect partners to reveal themselves. When one of our friends retired from our state of single-blessedness, it became a reason to celebrate with cheesecake. I don't really know why cheesecake; I was not part of the original tandems who thought of it; I can only think that at that time my friends are craving for cheesecakes. At present, of the four who usually joke about the lack of a significant other, two have moved one and is getting ready to tie the knot by next year. The other two, A.LO and I, are still conquering other worlds, and climbing our chosen ladders, albeit without the partners that we all have dreamed of.

Smacks of bitterness? I would like to think that I am way past that stage. I think I am now on the what-if-stage - trying to imagine scenarios I would have liked to happen with me and my partner, as well as the part when I would have to confront the reality of being single for the rest of my days. I think that I don't have any reasons for being bitter because looking back, I can't remember anytime when I would have let an opportunity pass. There was none in so far as I am concerned. That's even when I assumed most of the time about hidden desires of friends and acquaintances.

So after reprimanding some of my friends with how they have managed and run their relationships; after one, young, failed love; and endless advises to friends besieged with the dilemma of confronting boyfriends or would-be boyfriends, I must confess - for the purpose of setting the record straight and keeping expectations at bay - that I do not know much about relationship with the opposite sex. Learning more about it might be one of the most daunting tasks especially if you don't have someone to learn it with.

learning is one..
finding the one is another..

Standing on my own

I am usually swayed with my decisions especially if the people around me carries a different opinion compared to what I have. No matter how rigorous my defense is for my own decisions, for some reason, how others present their thoughts sounds more logical than my own. After quite some time, I have found myself unperturbed with the decision I have made. My friends would say that I might have been too harsh to demand the honesty I expect when come to think of it, it was fairly difficult to be in her shoes as well. Even if I have given her my word that I will not mind seeing them together, it still does not make it any easier on her part to simply tell me that she has fallen for him.

Fair. True. But still does not justify that I do not have the right to feel betrayed.

If we are to place ourselves in the position of another everytime we make decisions, everytime we pass on judgments - it may make us more compassionate but still does not take away the fact that we might suffer - and suffer harshly at that.

I will be firm on this until my resolve runs out; until I have completely erased from memory the friendship I once had.

Disappear

I want to forget and never to remember ever that you have touched my life that you were once part of me. I want to turn my back on the memories that we shared to forget the pain you have caused me. I want you to disappear and never to return again. If I speak of bitterness, its something that not only you have to take, but realize that it is with me every single waking day. And no amount of recompense nor amends can lessen the hurt you have caused me -whether intended or not.

I don't want you to feel pity. I dont want you to feel anything. There is no reason why you should for you are no longer related to me except in the most civil way possible. We are no more than persons who happen to work in the same company, same building, same room. I will never look at the two of you in the same way again. Actually, I will try not to look at you ever, until I completely and totally forget everything that we shared together. If its any consolation, think that you didnt lose much, it is I who have decided and its a bitter pill that I need to swallow no matter how hard.

I pray that the day will come when no trace of your memory lives in me. I look forward to the day when I no longer have to look away when I see you. I dream of that day when I would not have anything against you or in favor of you; when I regard you no more than the average stranger on the street.

Lastly, I dream of that day when no pain will haunt me, no memory will surface, enough to make me realize that I can be friends with you again.