I’m writing this while in hibernation. Who would have thought that there’s so much happening while you let the rest of the world live and you watch with half-intent and half-wonder as to what good will come out of this break?
When all the world is trying to figure out how to think on its feet, in split second speed, I have decided to step on the breaks and get out of the race. In the process, I figuratively screeched conscious not to be trampled by the speeding crowd. There has to be another way to live life: I was overwhelmed by the responsibility that 13 or more so years I have taken on because there was just no one to take it. I thought I was doing it out of love, but somehow, somewhere along my journey, it just became heavier and heavier for me, until my body started manifesting how heavy it was. Backaches not going away, my head beating on all sides, my feet refusing to take longer steps, my lower back tight as a glued bottle cap.
Now, I am slowing down. I am in the process of thinking one thought at a time, taking one task at a time. I am learning how to appreciate that doing nothing is actually doing something for the most important person in my life. Me.
I am so engrossed with knowing how to do things; preparing for the worst case scenario; being the person with the plan. I thought it would make things better, it would make me feel better when I always have a plan in place, when I know what to do all the time. But it just became an addiction, to try and be ahead of life, of what is supposed to happen, or what will happen. I have been trying to outsmart life but it just became all too overwhelming for me.
What if something happens there while I am here? They need to know how to take care of things and be organised. What if they make the wrong decisions and it costs us more? What if someone in our family gets sick? What if I don’t do well here? What if they don’t learn? What if we get deeper in debt? And for every what if, I thought I should have a plan. I didn’t expect I’d get off the driver seat and sit on the passenger side.
Today, I am realising that all my fears will come true because although i have tried to steer away from them, it is exactly where I was focused.
I was so afraid not to know what to do because when I took on the role, i didn’t know what I was doing and I thought I was doing a bad job. Looking back, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore because I am here now and we got to where we are with bruises and cuts, sore and some times battered, but we still arrived.
Maybe it is okay not to know and start planning when life actually happens. Maybe that’s a skill in itself, to keep calm and not panic even when life deals the worst card you can possibly have.
Maybe I was thinking wrong all this time and I was keeping them from realising their full capacity by being always there for them.
Maybe my going away is what exactly what they needed in order to become the very persons I want them to be.
Maybe my plans are not really the best there is. And finally, after a very long time, I feel like it’s okay.
It’s going to be okay because they will figure it out sooner or later.
During one of my bikram yoga class, I heard the instructor say after a pose, to let it all go, it’s done now. I thought about it and I felt that my mom whispered to me, you are done now. You can let them go.
So this is the start of letting go.
