Learned my lessons well

That's right. I think I did from the last heartbreak. And now, I am little by little becoming successful at averting another emotional debacle from happening. I am maybe shallow, gullible, and cheesy but I know that I am putting to good use the more important lessons I have learned not too long ago: never jump until 100% sure that someone or at least something will take the fall - a safety net perhaps and with that I mean literally.

Anyhow, part of my resolve to minimize the effects of infatuation is to keep as far away as possible from the object of my affection. And I think it is working. The pull is not as strong compared to the time when I first felt it but its still there. I managed to tell myself that controlling my emotions will take time and practice and constant practice would probably mean in this case, doing it everyday - working day that is. Somehow, pushing myself away is the best remedy to alleviate the fear of hurting again because in my case, giving in to what I like is the root cause of all of my heart's suffering.

I hope I succeed. A stable life may be boring but going through heartbreak after heartbreak should not be my idea of fun. I have this feeling that its suicide committed over a long period of time. For now, I'd really want to be safe than sorry again.

Flickering Hope and some other rantings

Since last Monday, I have managed to wake up at 5am and be in the office not later than 630am. The sad part of it is that I go home at around 8pm and on some days, as late as 10PM. This weekend I was not able to go home and as a consequence my father found a reasonable cause to make me the recipient of his anger (unworthy or worthy is a question that can be answered depending on whose side one wants to take). The truth is I am really tired to even go home. Not that I do not want to see my family, its just that I do not want to do be bothered by all the little things I encounter when I do. When at home, I cannot help but be overly conscious of how untidy our place is, how sad I become whenever I see my father waste his time away with trivial worries, and how worried I get seeing how I am not understanding my brothers well.

Being this tired gives me sometime to think of how my life is going. I have a good paying job, I think, because I can now shoulder the tuition of my brothers even if it means no savings for me at all; but then again it requires that I be at work 12 hours of the day most of the time. I can't help but be reminded of how some people would say, 'we work to live not live to work', because right now, living to work seems to be the way things are going for me.

My siblings and I keep on reassuring one another that we are nearing the end of our difficulties. I just gave my brother the initial payment for the tuition of our youngest sibling. Then I told him that his will be given by the end of the week. That's one more semester to go for me. I do not know if the pressure is really taking a toll on me because even my hope starts to flicker with the thought that what if after all of this, we still end up with more problems, particularly having to deal with a depressed father. Just the thought makes me want to cry. With the remaining strength in me, I uttered a silent prayer, that we may be able to overcome all of this and emerge victorious.

Then there was my dream job. I thought it was really the time for me to start doing the kind of work I have been dreaming of since college but the best that I got was that he'll get back to me. I know that that is what I want but then again even when it was almost within my reach, it still remained elusive.

And then my non-existent lovelife. My stubborn self keeps on repeating the same mistake, falling for someone who is just naturally nice. Boo. Boo. Boo to the nth power.

I am trying to summon the remaining courage in me to hold on to the faith that has kept our Christian faith alive. I cannot give up now.