In summary

This basically sums up the current state I am in...

....there comes a point in our lives when the heart grows tired - It grows numb from hate, it stops beating for love, it runs out of compassion, it doesn't soften from pain but not because of insensitivity but because it simply wants to move on and live an uncomplicated life...

I'm freakin' tired and I don't know if anyone will ever be able to understand.

I don't feel hopeless though.

...and yet again I digress.

Convenient Excuses

Let me be grateful for a life outside of work.

Because I've been busy with cleaning up my online life - something which has seriously caught my attention this past week - I have found a convenient excuse to run away from that which I want to run away from.

The gym, apart from being just a workout place, has also now become one of best places where I can find comfort and solace. Still is part of the greater scheme called running away.

The best place though, the one that tops the chart is the church. The Greenbelt Chapel to be specific. I'd say this is quite self-explanatory.

And yes, connected to the first point, the internet shop. Whether the one that comes before the hardware store or the one after the flower shop is really not much of an issue. As long as it allows me to update my blog, check my mails, read new matter, or simply just gloss over the photos of friends whose lives might be breezing smoothly through. I'm sure I'm wrong on this one. Maybe not.

I thought I'd never find acceptable justification for excuses. aahlavet.

Numb

I prayed
And a black cloak was given
It consumed everything
the cold, the heat, the rain
even the pain
It resisted the sunlight
but it afforded me to breath
I was warned
Just like the glass shoes of Cinderella
it is here temporarily

"So master what you need
to master, it said
For when I go
everything will come running
towards you
They will try to consume you

I am here
because you cannot be lost
But you are neither found
Even you will seek the answers
they will throw
and nothing will be known, yet"

"I will absorb the tears
And they will see only
what you want them to see
They will never know
what is underneath me

Only those whose power
you have given
will understand
And will know
For their understanding
might be used against you
Ignorance is bliss
For you
For them

I heard him said one day,
You will not be hurt anymore
without your collaboration.

I say,
you will not give them
the power over you

The black cloak is steady
it numbs me.
There is nothing more to ask..

....

The world keeps on spinning
flowers and trees rejoice,
swaying at the greeting of spring
Even the color of autumn
speaks so much of bright hues

The seed doesn't seem to mind
It remains unmoved
While the roots cut deeper
it remains unmoved, oblivious

White is dominant

Seem is what they see
And seem is how the seed
wants it to be
for the world will dance
and will not stop to watch
the see grow

They will see
they will rejoice
but they will not know
they will never comprehend
what pains the seed
will have to suffer
to become a tree...

Changing tunes..changing lines

I'd say I've had enough.

Though I can't keep the tide from rushing in every once in a while; though keeping a straight face is definitely not my piece of cake; though zipping my lips and keeping the words from coming out is not my forte - I'm gonna have to learn to master it.

Lesson learned: less talk. less mistake. Learned that the hard way.

But oh yes, there's more. But since I'm changing my tune, I'm gonna have to find a way to make them fit the new arrangement*.

Here's to less talk. More like rock..

My lips will be sealed

..for they should never know.

The root cause of all my disasters - it's me and my big mouth. The drama queen..too much melancholy..too much emotion. Makes me look uncool. AT least let me attempt to do what I have been trying to achieve for the longest time - just cannot find the right mix. There seems to be a lot of concoction for being one.

I like what Julius said. "WE live in a linear world; whether we like it or not, moving forward is inevitable."

I'd say we put more control in that thought. For those who will be runover by decisions I need to make, my sincerest apologies.

For now, I'd say, nothing personal. I'd quote another friend who I just recently had the chance to talk to. Distance is the quintessential key to survival.

Thanks to the guy who rarely speaks. Did i get it right?

Dazed

I have written some thoughts which I had hoped I could post online. Thinking about it though, i feel that most of them are too personal to be read by the world. Albeit this is my personal space in this wide wide web, the audacity, not to mention the drama in it, does not deserve online attention. They are for the most part my most honest and unadulterated thoughts for quite some time.

I just came from Starbucks wih my officemates and earlier, some sort of dinner get-together for a friend who just arrived from Australia. Felt awkward in the transition of crowds. While I was delightfully jubilant reconnecting with old friends from my college years, I felt awkward with what I have I witnessed in Starbucks. Gentleness, mutual understanding (?) - I hear bitterness?

AS I have promised to myself, I shall not speak of this until I have resolved my issues.
Ambivalence is the prevailing emotion. I am at lost for words. A good friend advised me just recently to carefully choose those whom I will trust. Painful as it may seem, I may really have start practicing it.

I have run out of confidants, except for one who I would like to think is patiently hanging on. Guess I am really on my own now. Not that bad, I must say. Its a change from the old life. AS Tam once said, "Change is good".


THen so be it....


...felt funny that the song running in my mind is Neyo's "Sexy Love".