I have been doing novena to our Mother of Perpetual Help asking for a better job. I was hoping for refuge from the nasty and sometimes cruel insults of irate customers who for some reason or another found an anomaly in their financial situation. I didn't think I'd be in this job but I am. I'd say no one will ever know how much agony I have suffered and is still suffering from this almost thankless job; but I am still here. And ironically, it is by choice.
Whether it’s a lack of confidence in me or in opportunities, I think I am consciously choosing to be here. The only reason I have is that the monetary compensation suffices. Reality bites and in my case, it bites hard enough to leave a scar. I need to be here so that I can cope with the financial demands of my family. So that whenever my siblings would run to me for relief, I could offer something, not minding whether what I have given them is already allocated for another future obligation. I can probably live knowing that I have little time to chase my dreams than to know that I have been of no help in giving my siblings the opportunity to be in the same capacity as I am. This in so far as I can remember is the promise I have given to my mom before she passed away. And I think that life is asking me or is helping me to fulfill it.
I would always be reminded of WYA's training on freedom: how as humans we are free. We are free to choose and make decisions to help us be the best that we can be - excel in our chosen paths. A friend once told me that I shouldn't be grieving or be sad that I choose this one over following my dreams because life still affords me the chance to chase my dreams but the chance to help my family at this stage in their life may just come once. We believe in WYA that family is where we nurture our dignity first and with this, I believe that by living this example of selfless giving, I am showing just how this knowledge is nurturing my personality and my character as a person, as a human with dignity and hopefully would inspire my family to do the same.
Yet again, I cannot blame me for feeling low and depressed over the choice I have made. To live sanely everyday knowing that I am again going to subject myself to 8 hours of torture, trying to fix other people’s problems and be shouted at, berated, and insulted, is really a difficult task. Whenever I try to place myself in my peers’ position, knowing how difficult my job is and all that I can really say is that, I can do this but honestly, I can never imagine the challenge I have to face every day.
There are times when I would just dream of that day when I would walk for the last time in the corridors from the pantry to our station and hug the people who have made my stay bearable and wish for them the same freedom I will be living once I get out this job. To this very moment, I feel like I am still unsure when I would take my last walk. Every now and then I’d cry my heart out because I feel like I had to take a choice forced upon me by destiny. And then I’d bounce back and tell myself that I will take it one day at a time. I say my prayers every morning and every night, asking for divine providence to help me stay for another day just so I can give what I can. It helps although sometimes, it makes me nauseous, to think that I have chosen this.
I want to think that I have a good heart and that I am doing this because I love. If in the future, this good heart summons me again to make difficult choices, I hope that I choose because I still love – whether my family, friends, or just any random people.
I pray every moment I have, asking for grace to be strong, not just for me but for the others. I pray and hope in the good things that will come. I pray because I believe God is not sadist. He will not let me go through this without a reason.
