I know how it feels

Everyday you go out. You look for an event, you want to talk to people, you pretend to be busy, you cling on to people who can make you laugh, people who are funny, people who make sense, people who can help you forget, even just for a while. You never have a single moment when you would sit down and contemplate on what exactly is going on. If you don't get what you want then you turn to some other things. You never give yourself the time to breathe, to talk, to stop, to reflect, because just a second of doing so would bring you exactly where you don't want to be: face to face with agony.

You may be in the denial stage. You declare that you have gotten over and that you have forgiven but the truth is, you haven't. What happened to you maybe one of the most painful things that could happen to anybody: to be betrayed by somebody you love. You want to know why but even if the answer is already there, the whys just wouldn't stop coming. No answer is going to be sufficient to keep the pain from hurting. And when the time comes when all the answers in the world has been laid out, it's still there, still hurts like hell.

The pain from being hurt by a loved one is like benzene. Benzene is a highly-flammable substance that when lit, cannot be extinguished by water, it just burns. The only way to stop it is to let the fire consume the chemical. It cannot be stopped, only contained. And when the chemical has been consumed only then will the fire stop.

And so it is with you. You pretend to live your life back the way it was. You immerse yourself in the fleeting joys of the world and chase after life because inside you feel like dying. You just want to go back to the old you, before the pain, before the break up, before the tragedy. You have been betrayed but even after knowing who the culprit is, still it did not give you justice; it did not give you peace. And you still cannot escape the inevitable, the pain. You douse yourself in the waters of the world but that is not how you can put off the fire inside.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still - Exodus 14:14

I don't know when I can say this to you or if I can ever do so. But you need to understand that you need to sit this out until it lasts, until it consumes itself. You keep moving, you keep forgetting what needs to be accepted, you keep on denying yourself to be hurt just prolongs the pain. And you cannot just sit this out once. You probably have to give yourself more time than you think you can afford. The life that you had before is not something you can gain back. Whether you like it or not, your life is changed forever because you have loved. Trying to forget and trying to recoup what you think you have lost is to lose out on the opportunity to become a better man.

There is a gem, a wisdom hidden beneath the pain. Be courageous to stretch out your arm to go through the chaos and look for it. And looking for it requires solitude, requires a quiet time. And this quiet time requires patience. You have a lot of things at your disposal but they will never give you the peace such as the one that you will gain by seeking the wisdom behind your pain. As Steve Jobs has mentioned, you can only connect the dots looking back; there is no way of knowing looking forward. So have faith, believe in the goodness that this experience will bring you; believe that you are exactly where you are meant to be at the exact time and place and with the right people; trust that this is not just a random act of life and that you were played upon because you have been too good.

As I would always tell myself when its becoming tougher and tougher, suck it up. Take it in. Immerse yourself in the pain and let it flow through every vein in your body until you fully understand even beyond words that this has to happen one way or another, if not today, then some other time.

This is not just a consolation for you. But this is one of the ways to help you man-up. I would always tell my trainees, you can never learn to swim unless you jump in the water. So it is with life and love. Life happens when you least expect it; and you'll never know love until you get hurt.

I am excited to see the man, the great man you are meant to be.

This is for my friend who is struggling from swimming in the sea of love, trying to keep his head above water, instead of floating.

Heart broken

Why do hearts break? And why does it hurt so much?

I guess you can never really escape the fact that hearts break and when they do, you beat the hell out of you just to survive. I've seen people crawl their way out of this predicament by crying (lots and lots of it, and I've done this, way more than you think I am capable of), others waste their life away doing just about anything to keep the memory of loving and losing in the same frame. I, myself, have been heart-broken and I thought back then that I would not be able to get out of it. The thing is, when you love someone you just can't explain why and even though you want to let go, the certainty of agony is as sure as the sun rising the following day.

I don't like the feeling of being needy. I don't like the feeling of emptiness. Why does it feel like after having loved someone, there's nothing much left in you. No matter what you do it just aches and aches and aches. This is me, dealing with heartbreak the human way.

One of the things that got me through my heartbreaks was the thought that God has something so big, it cannot pass through our heart unless, our hearts are broken. I still believe that until now. But I still cannot escape that fact that it hurts so bad.

Lord, I offer my heart to you. To tell you honestly, I don't think I can survive another heartbreak after this. So, I'm giving it back to you and do not give it to me until such time when You know that I can handle it again. For now, let me give up. Just let me let go.

For now, please help me use my pain for the sake of others. I'm not really sure how that works I'm sure you do so I just leave it up to you.

At 30

I wrote this on my birthday, 17 August. I only got the chance to post it now.

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I am an insecure writer. Writing is one of my biggest frustrations. There are so many things I would have written about me, about life, about men, boys, friends, joys, tears, sufferings, work, career, family, faith, and God, but I never got the chance to do so because I always think that my writing never does justice to the wealth I have accumulated in my head and my life. This is an attempt to start overcoming my insecurities. I was never really brave enough to let other people read my thoughts. Well for one, they don’t have to, I talk incessantly so they don’t even have to second guess. But there are some things that I would be more inclined to write about only because when I write, I can say more. Intentionally and unintentionally, I know I can be funny and sometimes not taken seriously, so in the hopes that despite my ‘hopefully’ funny quips you will still understand the things I want to share, I will attempt to write it down.

It is my 30th birthday. Hurray! Turning 30 is probably one of the most common and normal things we can encounter in life, and so is turning 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 31, 32, 33, or even 40. We are surrounded by people from this wonderful age bracket and I will have to say already, this is the coolest age bracket to belong to.

But then I am reminded of the people who never get to reach this age - the children who suffer from the most cruel of diseases; the young people who squander their youth with vices or those who do so in exchange for some lofty or not so lofty ideals; children who were never given a chance to be born; people who never wanted to leave but sadly had their time up; and those who never found the inspiration to go on living so took it upon themselves to retire early from life.

And then I start to be thankful. Turning 30 is a gift and a gift I am really most happy to embrace and receive.

What a revelation God has brought to me by bringing me into this workplace. I did a 360 degrees turn from loathing to loving this job. I realized that He allows us to go through the most difficult of times not because we deserve it but because we are able to appreciate better the great things He has in store for us.

AT 30, just like most of you probably, I have laughed, cried my heart out, been depressed, loved, been heartbroken (a couple of times), been inspired, suffered loss of loved ones, failed, questioned, succeeded, believed, but most important of all lived. I may not have been the best in some areas of my life but here’s to hoping I have 30 or more years to strive doing so (and actually get there!).

At 30, I have come to fully understand that to love is never a consequence of feelings but always of decision and commitment (Yes I have, but spare me the questions. =D ). And sometimes even if you fail to get what you really want, it is about who you become out of the experience.

At 30, I realized that your strength and resolve can fail you, but faith never will. The greatest strength you can summon to yourself is to accept that you cannot do things alone, you cannot do things on your own, and that it is not all about you.

At 30, I have come to discover the real fountain of youth. Laughter. Laugh at just about anything, find the beauty in people and be thankful even for the most cruel of things. You will realize that nothing can harm you and make you age at lightning speed when you always find a reason or something to laugh about.

It’s fun to be 30. I love being 30. I think it’s cool being 30. So many things I can do and more things to look forward to.

I think I can be young forever. =)

Thanks everyone for being part of my 30 years.

P. S. Correct my lapses tomorrow. For now, let me think that I have written well.

Thanks,

Lady Gail Pelayo
Training Officer
Training, Resourcing, and Instructional Design - Citiphone - O&T
Citigroup Business Process Solutions Pte. Ltd.
25/F PBCom Tower, 6795 Ayala Ave., cor. V.A. Rufino St.,
Makati City 1226, Philippines

The weekend I got my life back

I didn't have any expectations. I almost backed out but I manage to compose myself, thinking, what have I got to lose? On Thursday night, I texted Tiny* that I'm thankful for what she has done to make this possible and for having high hopes for me. I didn't quite see what the point was of attending the getaway especially because I am Catholic and there are a lot of other Catholic retreats available out there. Maybe it was her enthusiasm; maybe it was the sense of adventure, or what was left of it in me; maybe because I didn't have the time to look for other retreats and my mandatory leave is just about to start; maybe it was because a lot of people kept asking me what I will do on my leave that I was obliged to say that I was going on a retreat just so I wouldn't look too much of a loser since a lot of them spent their leaves with so much to do and I had nothing, at least apart from the weekend getaway.

Or maybe it was divinely ordained.

I didn't have any expectations because I was already tired of expecting, of hoping that there is something better out there for me. Believe it or not, I, myself, am surprised to be thinking of this. Here I am, with a thriving career, lots of friends, and a family who supports me, and yet I feel like there is nothing much for me. I try to recall how it feels to be content and fulfilled but I can't seem to make my imagination work for me. So I did not hope for anything magical. I did not want to be disappointed because that's the last thing I need in this hope-deprived situation.

Good thing I'm not the captain of my ship. I'm very grateful I came. Because the weekend I got away was the weekend I got my life back.

I was willing to participate in anything (thank goodness I still have this in me!) because I was there and I am a great proponent of one-time-big-time. I always say to my trainees, not liking your current situation is not an excuse for performing poorly - a consolation you can get for having been led to an undesirable state is getting the most out of it. I try to live by this. And so not having anyone to speak with did not intimidate me, I just wanted to see if I can get the most out of the event. But again, it's a good thing I didn't steer my own wheel. I have allowed myself to go with the tide this time because I am to tired to do the paddling.

It started in the bus. My busmates were nice and really very warm. For talking to me and encouraging me that this is something that was designed by a divine wisdom, thank you. And then there was the grouping. It is indeed a blessing to have a lot of them under the "I" for I would not have easily warmed up to them. I have to admit that I was feeding from their energy first because I was the odd one out. Whereas they could all answer the question, "which service do you attend?", I can only say, I'm Catholic and was invited by a friend. God knew I was not easily going to give in, that I was not as open as I should be; but He knew exactly which nerve He needed to pinch to make me let go of my hesitations.

The first thing He said was that if I keep on chasing what this world has to offer, I'll never be content. Ouch! I keep on asking myself, what else is there for me? Though with a good career, I still can't say that there is nothing to look forward to but for some reason I lost all the zest to continue and to chase my dreams. I kept asking myself what's next if I get this? And so He finally said, 'chase the things of God and you will never know where it will lead you'.

Next He said, 'the desire for a relationship is a God-given desire'. That's probably the reason why even though I think I loved, its not the fulfilling kind of love that I feel. One of my roomies mentioned that though we suffer, God does not just simply intentionally wants us to suffer. He wants us to be happy and delighted. I thought for a while then that God only wants me to be hurt, for whatever reason, He designed things with a necessary pain attached to it. That's probably because I wasn't emotionally involved with God. I had my ideas of love but they're not actually what you can call godly discernments of love. They were more based on the standards of the world - love at first sight, ladies being swept off their feet and the likes.

I guess the best part of it all is when He finally spoke to me and said, give me everything, for I deserve no less than everything. He asked from me everything I was carrying within me. And He did it not once, not twice, but many times during the event. I was ready to give it all up to just run according to what the world demands, and for some reason, God saw this and did not allow for this to happen that's why He brought me to the getaway.

I found new friends, fun friends, people who I know also carry crosses but are too-full of God that they can't even bother with the crosses they bear. And through them God spoke to me still. Each one has a burden to bear but though that might be the case, they are not alone, I am not alone, because I have a Father, not in heaven, but here with me, right now.

I went to the Singles Weekend Getaway carrying nothing but a bruised heart and a tired spirit. I came back with a life refreshed by the love of God and comforted by His presence.

I came with nothing and yet returned with everything.

The weekend I went away was the weekend I got my life back.

3 Reasons to Travel While You’re Young

3 Reasons to Travel While You’re Young

Villain is the heart

My trainee once mentioned that the heart is the most deceitful part of our body. It doesn’t look like that most of the time. We refer to the heart when we feel compassion; excellence is most often associated with passion emanating from the heart. When it’s a job well done, people see the heart as the driving force. Even when we fall short of our goals, what matters is the heart that you put in your work. You see here, the heart owns the lead role. It’s beating is the lifeblood of the reason we do things. The heart catapults men to realize what was once figments of imaginations; what was then inconceivable; what was then impossible; what cannot be achieved, the heart disproves.

But the heart also has a dark side. A side which is rarely seen because it always hides behind the beauty of love. It will tell you to love until you fall to the ground and wail in pain. The heart knows no bounds. It doesn’t hurt. Only you. For people ruled by emotions this is a liability; because the heart will not stop even when the person is suffering from loving. It is deceitful because it can tell you that everything is in the mind but yet you know the pain is there, and for some reason, no words can give justice to the excruciating the experience.

The heart is also headstrong. It will fight with the will and can overcome any reason, no matter how logical because it lives by the ecstasy of loving; even if the loved one does not respond in the same way. The heart keeps reveries of love even if they are all imaginary and makes a person cling on to something that will never be. Not even in the afterlife. Maybe that’s why some people decide to die for it because they think love can be found at the end of their lives; only to find out that it will never be.

But just like any villain, it can be tamed. One has to; or face the peril of an endless, agonizing journey towards the future. It can be tamed; with patience, with a consistent and firm belief that the will can overcome. It can be taught to unlearn loving; to stop hoping; and to move on. It has to be schooled in the wisdom of those who have successfully won over the battles of will. Finally, it can be taught to believe that there will come a time when it will beat in synch with another heart; that the heart it beats for right now is not the one; that the pain is worth the wait for that one true love.

Until such time comes, villain is the heart.

Another mystery of life

I love surprises; good surprises, that is. One that would make your heart leap out of your rib cage and bring your stomach up to your chest, so shocked with what has happened but is also energized, as if somebody has breathed life unto you. Maybe that’s what we all need every once in a while. A good, dreamy surprise.

I did not expect mine to come in such a bizarre package. It was a welcome surprise and quite beyond my normal radar. To think that I am constantly in the look-out for these types of surprises. He did not fit in my qualifications; or so I thought. Until that fateful day when a conversation was struck and then the wheels started turning. It was fresh as the morning sun; no pressures, no awkwardness, just spontaneous curiosity fed by willingness to respond and to know. One question led to another and then the conversation turned to daily greetings, to nightly exchange of thoughts, to a sojourn in a dream.

Yes, it must be a dream I refused to wake up from but cannot anymore go back to.

How can it not be dream? I saw his face changed and soften at the sight of me. And how his voice mellows every time we talk. He looks at me and laughs at nothing and yet I laugh at it too. There was tenderness in his moves, unlike the way I see him at work. He spoke of his past with the tone of a man who has changed because of it. When he sat beside me, he closed his eyes with the comfort of a child and when he laid his head on the back of my hand, as if he was ready to slumber.

Then morning after came, I didn’t know it was all over; that I was awake. I thought to myself this is not my reality; this is unfair.

I had him in my dreams. He was with me. Was.

The conversation stopped. No more exchange of thoughts. Only what ifs, only questions.

Did I make it that easy for him to walk in and out of my life?*

(Line from a song, Almost Lover by Fine Frenzy)

One blow after another

I wonder when this will all end.

They say that you just have to keep your eyes on the prize and all else will be bearable. I have been doing that longer than I expect myself to and yet the blows just keep on coming and coming. I feel like I'm being pushed to the extent where in I am left with no hope just letting myself be carried away by the currents of life. I have, for the longest time, fought to live a life of conscious decisions, of wanting to experience every waking moment, feel the pains of every trouble and hardship, and be truly happy when life allows me to do so. To think that I'm about to celebrate my 30th birthday this year, I feel helpless somehow.

Conversation from the other side

It only took one look from him to make that conversation happen. Just one look; without hesitation I raised my thumbs up and ask if he is okay. He smirked, as if to signal not really. I reinforced my thumbs up by bringing in my right hand and showed two thumbs up. I then motioned, my palms facing down, as if saying, "relax, slow down, you are way too excited", and then I pulled my gaze away from him to the game, even if I didn't want to.

It probably didn't mean anything to him but to me, it was a moment to be treasured forever. No one from the other side has even bothered to look at us while we cheer for them. Not that I want them to, I was happy seeing everyone play. I appreciate the fact that they invited me to see them play and I feel that I had to be there being the first time that team played last year. I really feel like my presence was doing some service to their tired but satisfied legs from running and shooting those baskets. But his look made me feel like there is something worth looking forward to if he was not married.

Or he was probably just friendly. Enough Gail, enough.

A Journey back thirty years ago ( A first of many)

Every year, every time my birthday comes, there is the urge within me to summarize in different ways how my life has been, who I have become, what I done and accomplish within the last years. But always, I fail to do just that. I am hoping that this year would be different. Its the 24th of July, seven days late from the day I wanted to start writing about my 3 decades of living.

Thirty days is so short a time to tell a story about thirty years of living. Even the most prolific writers in their most inspired moments cannot put together words to describe a single moment of happiness, of sorrow, of triumph, of grief, of profound joy - what more of thirty years of such, what more for me? But the task though impossible is not something I would back out from. I really want to do this and though I cannot capture everything, before I reach my thirtieth year, I hope to at least put down in writing some of the most unforgettable so that when my memory ceases to work for me, I still have something to look back at.

So maybe I'll start with my gratitude.

To God, for my family,for my mom, my work, my life, my heartaches, my joys, my moments of mundane bliss, my loves, for the laughters, for the overwhelming tears and pains, for victories and defeats, for instances of confusion, for longer bouts of being lost, for fleeting moments of infatuation, for stupidities that could have been avoided, for times of contentment, for friends and friendships - found and lost, for periods of enlightenment, for dreams, for aspirations, for hope for better things to come, for salvation, for moments that I have taken for granted, for who I am and what I can do, for moments of brilliance and sometimes downright stupidities.

Words do not do justice to the gratitude in my heart and even if I live my life till the very end, it still would not be enough. So let me thank you every waking moment of life.

Let the hours live

Here are my thoughts in response to the entry posted by Ia on her blog:

Let me live every second of my life with purpose, with a song in my heart, with thanksgiving and delight. Just like that of a child, may I never run out of things to marvel at and may wonder never escape me.

Let me spend every moment loving everything and everyone I am surrounded with; may it be the bed I wake up from every morning or afternoon, or the smiles that I get from strangers or friends. May I always find the words to say my adoration and praise to God and find that even in my silences, I am never without nothing. For in my silence, I am one with Him.

May I find the little things in life to enhance every second of someone else's life worth living so that in the end even if I don't do things for myself, I still would have done something meaningful.

...these things are running in my mind, right now

I watched Kung Fu Panda 2 last Friday with my cousin. We really did not plan for anything, I got a text from her if I feel like having dinner and while we were having dinner I asked if she wants to check out the movies, and so we went. We both agreed that we needed to hold out our hands and scream, TIME OUT! We needed a breather - she from all her physical activities and me from just about anything except physical. By now, I have partly accepted that this is how its going to be, moments of greatness and moments of humanity setting in at unusually unexpected intervals.

Last March, I believe I received one of the greatest news at work. They wanted me down-under and the thought is no-less than exhilirating! I'm excited to go there and work. I had a mental list of the things I needed to do and bring with me and the preparations I have to make in order to make the trip successful. The manager from Sydney said he'd get back to me. And that was all that I had. I don't want to be sad about what has happened (and probably what is yet to happen), I know I did say to myself that even if it doesn't push through, I would be grateful that they considered me. But I guess, its hard to be grateful for the opportunity when at the back of your mind something's telling you that it's not going to happen anymore and they are not even considering on breaking the news to me. Being left out, hanging on, holding on to the hope of ever going there is not the best way of capping off this chapter in my life.

But I am letting go now. I am accepting the fact that they will never be prepared to speak to me about it again and that they have chosen not to bring it up, and pretend that it never happened and they never spoke to me about it. I am moving on.

I have been, in the past few days, a bit worried about my dad, my family. Too early, I guess, my dad is already slowly relinquishing, probably unknowingly or knowingly, his post as the head of the family and is experiencing his second childhood. He doesn't seem to be in the best position to make decisions; he refuses to go to a doctor, throws tantrums erratically, and most of time, melancholic with just about anything. I don't know, probably I refuse to know, if my fear is because he is moving on without letting go of the painful things or that I will have to step in and take his place. I know sooner or later, I will have to confront it.

I'm at that point in my life again when I doubt whether I would ever get to study in school of my dreams in Switzerland. Now, I find myself asking again, if I will be able to do that leap of faith to find myself living the life I have always dreamed of. For some reason, the events at work, the stress at home, the uncertainties of my own will have taken over me.

When I was watching Kung Fu Panda 2, there was this part in the movie where Master Shifu talked about inner peace. I was trying hard not to let a teardrop slide, for my cousin might see, and I don't want to do a lot of explaining. He said that inner peace can only be achieved if you have come to accept the most difficult parts of your life. I understood exactly what he meant by it and how it feels like but I remembered my dad. I wanted him to experience the same kind of peace I feel now that I can better see, probably not understand, why things had to happen when they do.

I know and have come to accept that at this point in my life, there is nothing that I can do that would hurt me more than seeing my family suffer. And right now, I am hurting. I am hurting because I am running out of things to do and to offer to my family. I feel like hope is escaping me and is ever becoming more elusive. It might be funny to think that all of these were born because of those lines from a cartoon movie, but yes, in a way, I was struck because there was so much truth to it.

I have to accept the fact that as good as I can be, being a daughter, a sister, a family member, I am just but human and I cannot offer anymore than what has been given to me. I have to accept the fact that good as the news was when it was given to me, I have to accept that it might not really happen at all, not in the way I was envisioning it to be.

I have a lot of accepting to do; a lot of things to let go; more to resolve in my own or another's life. But I know that one thing is for sure, no matter how faint, no matter how tiny, I will always hold on to my dreams.

And so it happens..

I have been waiting for this for the longest time and yes, surprisingly, I didn't quite expect it from someone I barely uttered a word with. But it is happening. I am still at that stage where in I am confused, overwhelmed, enjoying the attention, and a bit flushed about what is happening. One time he was joking around with me, just like how everyone does it, and then he asked for my number, which rarely happens and then he's asking all these questions. It's really flattering for someone like me to be liked because I think this is the first time that somebody had the courage to come up to me and say that he likes me.

The only glitch in this scene is that he is not quite the person I want to be with. Although, I am definitely intrigued with his courage, probably because a lot of people have commented on how strong my personality is that it is intimidating for someone to approach me, I can recite quite a few things that I don't like about him and that's really not a good thing.

I don't want to think, although I am thinking it, that I am still entertaining him because it gives me much pleasure that someone is trying to win my attention but a big part of it is true. I have been praying for the right time to say it but a part of me also wants to give it a try; to get to know the person and give him a bit of credit.

I asked a friend how to decline these kinds of 'offer' without doing much emotional damage to the person and he exclaimed, that it might be too soon to do it. I have long wanted to be wooed and loved and 'chased' and now I realized that its a situation which I might not be able to handle well. I realized that breaking my suitors' hearts is not something I can deal with easily. Now I understand better why I didn't have much of what I wanted in the first place.
I just exclaimed, "Buti na lang di ako dyosa sa tunay na buhay! Ang hirap pala!" Hahahaha! I wish.

But if there is one great thing I have realized because of this, it is this: I am on my way, I am getting there, I am getting noticed, and one by one, people are not content just staring at me and keeping their awe to themselves, they are making it known. I'd give myself a pat on the back and say, Good job Gail! Now I know that I can really make it, that I can reach for the stars.

Lessons until learned

I see myself going through cycles over and over again. Being in situations repeatedly and surprisingly doing the same things again. Stating the obvious, life is being very patient with me. I once said that opportunities will keep on coming back until I grab them, well, its the same with lessons: they will keep on repeating itself until I learn them. I'm amazed at how I find myself in the same situation, thinking that things will change because its a different time only to find out that I missed the point again.

Talking about it concretely, I have this attitude of feeling that somebody I like would also like me back. I try as much to keep it to myself but I still end up spilling it albeit, its to my closest friends. Eventually, I would find out that there is really nothing for me and so I end up with my frustrations and heartbroken imagination. Somehow I still can convince myself to think and hope otherwise. I'm not being pessimistic, I guess there is another way of hoping and keeping the faith without being assuming. And so for the nth time, I find myself slightly bruised for my eye-candy happens to be eye-ing a different lady.

It does take a lot of courage and practice to learn something. For somebody who graduated with honors and who is not really slow, learning the real lessons of life seems to be a difficult subject for me.

Promise, I'll be better the next time.

Centering - Stress Management from MindTools.com

Centering - Stress Management from MindTools.com

Filing - How to Manage Your Documents and Your Time - Time Management Training from MindTools.com

Filing - How to Manage Your Documents and Your Time - Time Management Training from MindTools.com

Prayer

May I truly learn how to love more than to help because I believe in my heart that I can do a lot more helping when I choose to love than to simply help out. May God direct me in my actions and decisions because He has revealed to me that I know nothing save that He loves me and that He wants me to follow Him. May God direct me in my actions and decisions so that I choose to follow Him even if it doesn't make sense at the time.

May I be just like Jesus who lived to show God's love. May I be able to live my life according to how God wants to reveal Himself to others and that may He be able to do it through me because He finds me worthy to be His servant.

May I be able to listen keenly to His messages even in the most chaotic of times, in moments of happiness or extreme difficulties. It is when I hear Him telling me what to do when I become stronger.

May I live my life in a way that pleases Him and may I be able to show others how great my God is and how much their lives can change if they accept God in theirs.

Curiosity

Fear of the unknown should be replaced with curiosity, according to one tumbler entry I found. That's exactly what is taking over me now. I want to go out and party but I'm afraid that going solo might be disastrous for me. That fear is slowly becoming more of a bugging curiosity. I can't find people who would go out with me on a clean but party-filled kind of way. I see pictures of people in clubs and I feel this certain envy, I want to be there.

I hope I'm not bringing myself closer to danger but I just want to enjoy and relax and let loose because I know that there is that part of me who wants to experience that kind of fun.

I hope to meet the kind of people to bring me there.

Speed Dating

It was a challenge that I never had plans of taking. In as much as I want people to see me as someone who never backs down from a challenge, I do, especially when I'm not very sure of myself. And the challenge that speed dating offers is not something that I see myself ever taking.

But they were paying for it. Charge it to experience. Do it for fun. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. If I were a lot younger, I'd do it, says Nikki. It's not as if you will get married after. All you need to do is to ask questions. What could go wrong? What's the worst thing that could happen? Who can refuse their offer? They were very persistent and wouldn't take my excuses at all. So I went to this Speed Dating event on Vday, as mentioned in the email forwarded to me. And then it happened. Period.

It was nothing great. It was my first time but I know that it's not how an ideal speed dating event should go. There were rounds when I was not talking to some one because of the lack of men, rounds when men weren't moving to another table, and yes despite the lack of men, times when some men do not know where to go to or were waiting for the next round to commence.

It was not the chaos and confusion that transpired during the event that made it memorable. It was the feeling and realization that I had that moved me to write it here. For one to find a match, both participants, should like each other and this is expressed by putting a check mark on the number representing the person on the pieces of paper that each participant has. I like JoPo, he is number 11. I already saw him even before the actual event started and I thought I'd never get the chance to speak with him because he started so far from me. The disorganized flow of men moving from one table to another made it seem impossible that he'd reach my table. But he did. And I got to talk to him.

Now call me shallow, which sometimes may be the case, but I like him because he is cute. I mean, what can you get out of a person in a span of 3 minutes? Apart from the fact that I know he just moved here from Cali and that JoPo stands for Jose Paolo and that he works in an advertising firm, in an office located just at the back of our building, there is nothing more that I can get hold of.

Maybe that's all that I have to know to feel again how 'unlikable' or 'undesirable' I am. This was I how felt way back in high school all through out college and in the early years of my working life. Every guy I like has somebody else as the apple of his eyes or worse, sometimes, is just not into me. I cried a little and I was sad for two days because of this. I never thought I still had this feeling towards me. I thought I was doing quite well particularly because would normally receive nowadays compliments which I never thought was possible before. And then this happened.

I have always been an advocate of believing in one's self, of one's inner beauty, of the uniqueness of each person but then this happened. Not that it completely destroyed everything, but it made a dent. Not even this experience would discredit the things I mentioned but for some reason, not having been liked back affected me that much. SO bad that I was telling people that I don't believe them when they throw a compliment at me. It was like being in the shoes of an old 'Gail' who never stopped comparing herself with every single person who walked past her.

I did get over it. Thank God! My cure, not surprisingly, was prayer. Lots and lots of it. I was saying to myself and asking at the same time why it had to happen. Why now? And then I realized that this is God's way to keep me consistent. I mean, things were getting better but even in the most ordinary and normal moments, I can falter, in my faith and in how I live my life. Liking someone is one of the most normal things that can happen, what could be wrong about it? But even in this case, God wants me to surrender and give it to Him. He doesn't want just my prayer life and my spiritual life, He wants everything from me and He wants me to trust Him. To trust and to put my focus back to Him.

A lot of my close friends and not-so-close friends, in reference to my civil status, always tell me that somewhere out there, the right person is just waiting. Some people say I simply have to wait for him; some people say I have to do something to make it happen. I guess for me, its about waiting for the right time when God would see me ready to enter into the kind of relationship I have been dreaming of.

I know that I will never regret taking on this challenge.