I watched Kung Fu Panda 2 last Friday with my cousin. We really did not plan for anything, I got a text from her if I feel like having dinner and while we were having dinner I asked if she wants to check out the movies, and so we went. We both agreed that we needed to hold out our hands and scream, TIME OUT! We needed a breather - she from all her physical activities and me from just about anything except physical. By now, I have partly accepted that this is how its going to be, moments of greatness and moments of humanity setting in at unusually unexpected intervals.
Last March, I believe I received one of the greatest news at work. They wanted me down-under and the thought is no-less than exhilirating! I'm excited to go there and work. I had a mental list of the things I needed to do and bring with me and the preparations I have to make in order to make the trip successful. The manager from Sydney said he'd get back to me. And that was all that I had. I don't want to be sad about what has happened (and probably what is yet to happen), I know I did say to myself that even if it doesn't push through, I would be grateful that they considered me. But I guess, its hard to be grateful for the opportunity when at the back of your mind something's telling you that it's not going to happen anymore and they are not even considering on breaking the news to me. Being left out, hanging on, holding on to the hope of ever going there is not the best way of capping off this chapter in my life.
But I am letting go now. I am accepting the fact that they will never be prepared to speak to me about it again and that they have chosen not to bring it up, and pretend that it never happened and they never spoke to me about it. I am moving on.
I have been, in the past few days, a bit worried about my dad, my family. Too early, I guess, my dad is already slowly relinquishing, probably unknowingly or knowingly, his post as the head of the family and is experiencing his second childhood. He doesn't seem to be in the best position to make decisions; he refuses to go to a doctor, throws tantrums erratically, and most of time, melancholic with just about anything. I don't know, probably I refuse to know, if my fear is because he is moving on without letting go of the painful things or that I will have to step in and take his place. I know sooner or later, I will have to confront it.
I'm at that point in my life again when I doubt whether I would ever get to study in school of my dreams in Switzerland. Now, I find myself asking again, if I will be able to do that leap of faith to find myself living the life I have always dreamed of. For some reason, the events at work, the stress at home, the uncertainties of my own will have taken over me.
When I was watching Kung Fu Panda 2, there was this part in the movie where Master Shifu talked about inner peace. I was trying hard not to let a teardrop slide, for my cousin might see, and I don't want to do a lot of explaining. He said that inner peace can only be achieved if you have come to accept the most difficult parts of your life. I understood exactly what he meant by it and how it feels like but I remembered my dad. I wanted him to experience the same kind of peace I feel now that I can better see, probably not understand, why things had to happen when they do.
I know and have come to accept that at this point in my life, there is nothing that I can do that would hurt me more than seeing my family suffer. And right now, I am hurting. I am hurting because I am running out of things to do and to offer to my family. I feel like hope is escaping me and is ever becoming more elusive. It might be funny to think that all of these were born because of those lines from a cartoon movie, but yes, in a way, I was struck because there was so much truth to it.
I have to accept the fact that as good as I can be, being a daughter, a sister, a family member, I am just but human and I cannot offer anymore than what has been given to me. I have to accept the fact that good as the news was when it was given to me, I have to accept that it might not really happen at all, not in the way I was envisioning it to be.
I have a lot of accepting to do; a lot of things to let go; more to resolve in my own or another's life. But I know that one thing is for sure, no matter how faint, no matter how tiny, I will always hold on to my dreams.
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