I am a restless spirit. I am held firmly by invisible hands at my arms and feet, unable to dance and live openly to breathe the vitality of life. Cloaked as suction tubes, they sip the very life out of me and make me stay in one corner without moving an inch. I long to live life without boundaries. Without anyone holding me from doing the things I want. Like a butterfly gracefully hip-hopping on every beautiful flower. Like a hawk, mightily occupying the vastness of sky. Like a cheetah or a tiger or lion fiercely running in the open wild.
I want to seize what comes in front of me. I want to snatch the power of time, its cunning yet subtle way of making every other living thing under its command. I want to defy space and teleport in a place to another. I want to challenge all the strength there is in this world, until I have become tired of running, exploring, thinking, dancing but not living.
But something keeps hold of me. And it would not let me go.
My spirit is restless. I want to know the world. I want to live and breath and laugh and die with the world. I want to ask the trees how it feels to be one, or maybe ask the president of the United States of America his thoughts the moment I approach him. I want to emphatize with the others wrongly accused of crimes they did not commit or feel the lives of brilliant powerful people whose mere batting of eyelash commands thousand at his disposal.
My soul is restless, I know. And I acknowledge that nothing in this lifetime not even the reality of these thoughts would lay it to rest. I know only of one thing. And to that one Being I commend my restless spirit. ADMG
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Irony
I am an irony. A big walking contradiction. People would probably laugh at me when they know what’s going on in my life. Even I take a crack at myself sometimes..most of the time..only that its not anything of the funny stuff..its more of regret, of shame, of pity and self-doubt, of being my own best enemy. SO this is how it feels, the tumultuous period in one’s life. I don’t know how others get through it or even experience it. Soul-searching..I’ve got my life to find.
I feel useless. I get mad at everybody. My patience begins to snap at the first instance of friction. Selflessness is nowhere to be found. Its all about me. What will I do? Where will I be? Who will I become? What will I achieve? Even I tire hearing myself for these things. I used to be so irritated with my sister because I thought she was doing no good to our family, before. I was so sure that she’ll get nowhere with the way she’s acting. Doing the things she wishes to do without thinking of others, not minding how they might feel. I thought of myself as a savior for our family. I delighted at all the luxuries they have provided because I knew I was going to be THE ONE who will provide for them. I did not only delight, I demanded the very pleasures I wanted, because I believed these were wise investments on the future, on our future.
No need to go to the details of where I am. Can’t elaborate on the depressing state where I am. All the heavens and earth conspired to humble me. Something I needed, really. I know most of you will say..Youre not in such a bad situation..Yes, I am not..i must admit..I am not. Im just too fatalistic about the future.
I put my essence into what I can give to my family. I put value into the things I can provide and stop at that. When I say to others that its not the case, funny me, its how it is to me.. My value as a person, as a member of this family has all boiled down to giving back what they have given to me. Material insecurity.
Somebody tell me loud and clear, this is not the way things are…somebody please..
I feel useless. I get mad at everybody. My patience begins to snap at the first instance of friction. Selflessness is nowhere to be found. Its all about me. What will I do? Where will I be? Who will I become? What will I achieve? Even I tire hearing myself for these things. I used to be so irritated with my sister because I thought she was doing no good to our family, before. I was so sure that she’ll get nowhere with the way she’s acting. Doing the things she wishes to do without thinking of others, not minding how they might feel. I thought of myself as a savior for our family. I delighted at all the luxuries they have provided because I knew I was going to be THE ONE who will provide for them. I did not only delight, I demanded the very pleasures I wanted, because I believed these were wise investments on the future, on our future.
No need to go to the details of where I am. Can’t elaborate on the depressing state where I am. All the heavens and earth conspired to humble me. Something I needed, really. I know most of you will say..Youre not in such a bad situation..Yes, I am not..i must admit..I am not. Im just too fatalistic about the future.
I put my essence into what I can give to my family. I put value into the things I can provide and stop at that. When I say to others that its not the case, funny me, its how it is to me.. My value as a person, as a member of this family has all boiled down to giving back what they have given to me. Material insecurity.
Somebody tell me loud and clear, this is not the way things are…somebody please..
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
On my 1st year anniversary
On my 1st year anniversary
Today I celebrate my 1st year anniversary as a working and earning citizen of this country. All praises be God, giver of all good things. A year full of wonderful blessings, of paying taxes, of commuting in the combative route of mrt, of enjoying the luxuries of an all-day air-conditioned office, of ripping myself from bed and parting with my ever so lazy slumber. I believe that this is a reason for me to celebrate. It was one of the most memorable year of my life....yes, I could even consider it the most memorable.
I got this job after a painful experience of letting pass a golden opportunity for an internship in the government. Since then, I vowed never to let anything pass again. When this offer came, there were hesitations in my mind, especially because the job requires writing. Writing reports, articles, updates and letters, something I promised myself I would not do for a living. Really, life has a funny and ironic way of greeting us with blessings. But because I was so pained by the missed opportunity, I passed my resume anyway, I thought that if this was never meant for me, I wouldn’t even be shortlisted for it. Funny, I was hired for the job.
When I was 1 month old in the company, I was sent to Bacolod to do a story on San Miguel’s Community development program. The next day I was in Manila Peninsula, attending a high-profile business conference, more on the assessing the business climate in the Philippines for the year. It was my first time to attend such an event and much to my amazement, it was an enjoyable experience because I get to see the ‘bosses’ of the business community. Now names that appeared in news dailies have faces I could associate to.
So many things have happened in the whole first year of working, living outside the comforts of the academe. I was treated to all sorts of luxuries that I didn’t really thought was available for a rank and file employee like me, but I enjoyed them nonetheless. And then there were the depressing, sad and boring days at work. While I was enjoying the comforts of working, I am also at the brink of breaking down because of what my family is going through. My mom had cancer and we were just waiting for the time when God can take it no more to hear her cries of pain and desperation. Last October, God claimed her life and she was laid in peace.
Life moved on after that, no choice but to do so. Christmas and New Year were probably the saddest holidays we celebrated that year. No doubt, no Christmas and New Year will ever be the same again. Year 2004 opened with much expectations and hope. No way of turning back because doing so would mean death to life that has so much potential to give to the world. This I would want to with all conviction I could gather.
There are times when I literally have to convince myself why I need to go to the office when I cannot find much happiness aside from the comfort that the magazines littered in our office provide. Then my reluctance to go to work is compounded by my annoying department head, whose own demands he cannot even give himself. And the big boss who only knows how to belittle his people and push them around as if we haven’t done anything good. Not to mention the demotivating and meager pay.
My kind work motivates those who love intellectual masturbation (from the words of a respectable colleague in the debate society), not so much on the ideas but now, faced with real and true-to-life facts. Now comes the challenge of juggling reason and reality together so as to make them fit in a beautiful collage, which most of the time proves to be a feat for me.
What have I learned in my first year of work? Its really tough out here but bearable, otherwise, half of us would be dead by now... to be continued....
Today I celebrate my 1st year anniversary as a working and earning citizen of this country. All praises be God, giver of all good things. A year full of wonderful blessings, of paying taxes, of commuting in the combative route of mrt, of enjoying the luxuries of an all-day air-conditioned office, of ripping myself from bed and parting with my ever so lazy slumber. I believe that this is a reason for me to celebrate. It was one of the most memorable year of my life....yes, I could even consider it the most memorable.
I got this job after a painful experience of letting pass a golden opportunity for an internship in the government. Since then, I vowed never to let anything pass again. When this offer came, there were hesitations in my mind, especially because the job requires writing. Writing reports, articles, updates and letters, something I promised myself I would not do for a living. Really, life has a funny and ironic way of greeting us with blessings. But because I was so pained by the missed opportunity, I passed my resume anyway, I thought that if this was never meant for me, I wouldn’t even be shortlisted for it. Funny, I was hired for the job.
When I was 1 month old in the company, I was sent to Bacolod to do a story on San Miguel’s Community development program. The next day I was in Manila Peninsula, attending a high-profile business conference, more on the assessing the business climate in the Philippines for the year. It was my first time to attend such an event and much to my amazement, it was an enjoyable experience because I get to see the ‘bosses’ of the business community. Now names that appeared in news dailies have faces I could associate to.
So many things have happened in the whole first year of working, living outside the comforts of the academe. I was treated to all sorts of luxuries that I didn’t really thought was available for a rank and file employee like me, but I enjoyed them nonetheless. And then there were the depressing, sad and boring days at work. While I was enjoying the comforts of working, I am also at the brink of breaking down because of what my family is going through. My mom had cancer and we were just waiting for the time when God can take it no more to hear her cries of pain and desperation. Last October, God claimed her life and she was laid in peace.
Life moved on after that, no choice but to do so. Christmas and New Year were probably the saddest holidays we celebrated that year. No doubt, no Christmas and New Year will ever be the same again. Year 2004 opened with much expectations and hope. No way of turning back because doing so would mean death to life that has so much potential to give to the world. This I would want to with all conviction I could gather.
There are times when I literally have to convince myself why I need to go to the office when I cannot find much happiness aside from the comfort that the magazines littered in our office provide. Then my reluctance to go to work is compounded by my annoying department head, whose own demands he cannot even give himself. And the big boss who only knows how to belittle his people and push them around as if we haven’t done anything good. Not to mention the demotivating and meager pay.
My kind work motivates those who love intellectual masturbation (from the words of a respectable colleague in the debate society), not so much on the ideas but now, faced with real and true-to-life facts. Now comes the challenge of juggling reason and reality together so as to make them fit in a beautiful collage, which most of the time proves to be a feat for me.
What have I learned in my first year of work? Its really tough out here but bearable, otherwise, half of us would be dead by now... to be continued....
Saturday, June 12, 2004
I love writing but it doesn't love me back
I love writing but it doesn’t love me back
I love writing but it doesn’t love me back. Now that’s an irony considering that I get my “allowance” – I cannot exactly call it a pay or salary, but yes it is in so far as they see it, because I cannot even sustain myself with it (although I know that there are so many families in our country right now subsisting on amount lesser than what I get) – from working as researcher and writer for a business organization and business magazine. That’s also ironic because I graduated from a course that has got everything to do with writing complicated and nitty-gritty reports about man’s supposed perpetual curiosity about life, wisdom and what takes place in between the nerves in our unstable and imaginary minds. I always have grammatical lapses (ashamed as I may be to admit it, but yes even in Tagalog, I commit some grave grammatical errors, now that’s another story altogether). Not that I am proud of it but I have come to accept that it would take me quite some time before I can master the language. This being the case despite having graduated from a course that has been instructed in English and despite debating or adjudicating for several years during my college years.
Anyway, I have acknowledged my difficulty in expressing what’s on mind using the English language even when I was just high school. I realized that for a time before writing, I could still take hold of word, ideas in my head and yet when I am about to raise my pen and write in a blank sheet of paper, I realize the words quickly escape my mind. I love writing, I really do. Yet I find not enough strength to overcome my insecurities about how my words will form themselves to be able to make sense and about how I would be able to get the message across. They say that when writing, the first thing is to simply write without thinking what’s on my mind and allow the thoughts to flow from my head to my fingers. Letting no arrangements take place whatsoever, not minding the tenses, grammar, the point. I saw this movie, I forgot the title about a writer who suddenly disappeared from the circle and who became a friend of a boy. Finding Forrester, yep the title of the movie. I was so touched by the movie because it hit me right where my really aching. Not that I’m like the boy, Jamal, in the story, whose greatness and skill is undermined by the insecurities and envy of the people around him. Whose lives have been mitigated from discriminations both by people of other color and even those within their own racial shade.
I also want to give shape and form to the ideas in my head. To give life to them as if they are an intrinsic part of the world. But every time I try to do so, my skills are dwarfed by the numerous great articles and essays that have been printed and I am more afraid to be compared to them. I know that one of my weaknesses is to cave in to the criticisms of critics.
Im working on my writing though. Im working to make it better, if not at par with great essayists or journalists or writers or what-do-you-call those who write good works of literature..hahaha.. I will I know and I claim it. AMDG.
I love writing but it doesn’t love me back. Now that’s an irony considering that I get my “allowance” – I cannot exactly call it a pay or salary, but yes it is in so far as they see it, because I cannot even sustain myself with it (although I know that there are so many families in our country right now subsisting on amount lesser than what I get) – from working as researcher and writer for a business organization and business magazine. That’s also ironic because I graduated from a course that has got everything to do with writing complicated and nitty-gritty reports about man’s supposed perpetual curiosity about life, wisdom and what takes place in between the nerves in our unstable and imaginary minds. I always have grammatical lapses (ashamed as I may be to admit it, but yes even in Tagalog, I commit some grave grammatical errors, now that’s another story altogether). Not that I am proud of it but I have come to accept that it would take me quite some time before I can master the language. This being the case despite having graduated from a course that has been instructed in English and despite debating or adjudicating for several years during my college years.
Anyway, I have acknowledged my difficulty in expressing what’s on mind using the English language even when I was just high school. I realized that for a time before writing, I could still take hold of word, ideas in my head and yet when I am about to raise my pen and write in a blank sheet of paper, I realize the words quickly escape my mind. I love writing, I really do. Yet I find not enough strength to overcome my insecurities about how my words will form themselves to be able to make sense and about how I would be able to get the message across. They say that when writing, the first thing is to simply write without thinking what’s on my mind and allow the thoughts to flow from my head to my fingers. Letting no arrangements take place whatsoever, not minding the tenses, grammar, the point. I saw this movie, I forgot the title about a writer who suddenly disappeared from the circle and who became a friend of a boy. Finding Forrester, yep the title of the movie. I was so touched by the movie because it hit me right where my really aching. Not that I’m like the boy, Jamal, in the story, whose greatness and skill is undermined by the insecurities and envy of the people around him. Whose lives have been mitigated from discriminations both by people of other color and even those within their own racial shade.
I also want to give shape and form to the ideas in my head. To give life to them as if they are an intrinsic part of the world. But every time I try to do so, my skills are dwarfed by the numerous great articles and essays that have been printed and I am more afraid to be compared to them. I know that one of my weaknesses is to cave in to the criticisms of critics.
Im working on my writing though. Im working to make it better, if not at par with great essayists or journalists or writers or what-do-you-call those who write good works of literature..hahaha.. I will I know and I claim it. AMDG.
Friday, June 11, 2004
I resolve
I resolve
I don’t even want to start with how I feel today ‘coz I know I just suck. I haven’t been much of a help around here. My systems are down and I’m probably in the third to the last level of being totally depressed. Not yet totally, but I don’t want to wait for me to reach the abyss of life. There’s just so many damn things that get the nerves in my mind to overload and honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna figure all things out or how I’m gonna survive this situation.
I’ve got lots of friends and I know that theirs are ears willing to listen to the sufferings of a comrade. But even I get sooooooo tired of listening to my own rumblings. I feel that at the back of their minds are the comments, “here we go again” or “we’ve been through this before” or maybe even, “don’t you ever learn” and worst, “this gal really has a thing for self-pity”. And I know I would just simply be devastated to hear or even know even the slightest comment similar to the phrases above said about me.
What happened to me? I don’t want and I am trying to keep the reason that my mom just died because even if the heaven’s fall and God reprimand me personally, she would never be here, anymore, not in this lifetime. I don’t also want to allude to how our family is being rained on by so many tribulations that I get depressed and bogged down when I see that I couldn’t do a thing about it. I hate the feeling of helplessness. And I just can’t get it out of my mind that I’ve been given so many things hoping that I would be their savior in the future, which is today, but now, I’m really messed up.
Now I’m in front of our computer, trying to resolve everything going on in my life. If there’s one thing that keeps me hanging on to the promises of what they say, “it’s good to be alive”, its my faith. I’m not at all proud that I’ve come to reached this point in my life but I sure am very much thankful that I’ve got my faith to take care of the much more complicated stuff. There is one thing going in my mind right now that im sure of. I know that I just want to drop this in front of my God and say, “Hey, I can’t do this anymore. I can no longer carry even an ounce of burden, vividly picture my dreams, and fulfill responsibilities that are on my shoulders right now. I don’t want to think that I’m in control and that I’ll be able to get things straight anymore or if I’m ever gonna get things right in my life. Right now, there is only one thing in my life I know is in the right track. And that’s You, Father God. I’m willing to let go of everything and every one right at this very moment. I don’t have the power and the strength to face life carrying all of these things. It’s you I depend on. I’m ready to throw everything away at your command. Make me yours and yours only.”
It is the only thing that keeps me fighting and hoping that someday or maybe tomorrow I’m gonna be out of this thing. That I’ll truly be happy because I’ve let go of all the things that hinder me from being with my God. And I must say, this only Thing, my FAITH, that keeps me hanging on, is really something…Ad majorem Dei Gloriam.
I don’t even want to start with how I feel today ‘coz I know I just suck. I haven’t been much of a help around here. My systems are down and I’m probably in the third to the last level of being totally depressed. Not yet totally, but I don’t want to wait for me to reach the abyss of life. There’s just so many damn things that get the nerves in my mind to overload and honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna figure all things out or how I’m gonna survive this situation.
I’ve got lots of friends and I know that theirs are ears willing to listen to the sufferings of a comrade. But even I get sooooooo tired of listening to my own rumblings. I feel that at the back of their minds are the comments, “here we go again” or “we’ve been through this before” or maybe even, “don’t you ever learn” and worst, “this gal really has a thing for self-pity”. And I know I would just simply be devastated to hear or even know even the slightest comment similar to the phrases above said about me.
What happened to me? I don’t want and I am trying to keep the reason that my mom just died because even if the heaven’s fall and God reprimand me personally, she would never be here, anymore, not in this lifetime. I don’t also want to allude to how our family is being rained on by so many tribulations that I get depressed and bogged down when I see that I couldn’t do a thing about it. I hate the feeling of helplessness. And I just can’t get it out of my mind that I’ve been given so many things hoping that I would be their savior in the future, which is today, but now, I’m really messed up.
Now I’m in front of our computer, trying to resolve everything going on in my life. If there’s one thing that keeps me hanging on to the promises of what they say, “it’s good to be alive”, its my faith. I’m not at all proud that I’ve come to reached this point in my life but I sure am very much thankful that I’ve got my faith to take care of the much more complicated stuff. There is one thing going in my mind right now that im sure of. I know that I just want to drop this in front of my God and say, “Hey, I can’t do this anymore. I can no longer carry even an ounce of burden, vividly picture my dreams, and fulfill responsibilities that are on my shoulders right now. I don’t want to think that I’m in control and that I’ll be able to get things straight anymore or if I’m ever gonna get things right in my life. Right now, there is only one thing in my life I know is in the right track. And that’s You, Father God. I’m willing to let go of everything and every one right at this very moment. I don’t have the power and the strength to face life carrying all of these things. It’s you I depend on. I’m ready to throw everything away at your command. Make me yours and yours only.”
It is the only thing that keeps me fighting and hoping that someday or maybe tomorrow I’m gonna be out of this thing. That I’ll truly be happy because I’ve let go of all the things that hinder me from being with my God. And I must say, this only Thing, my FAITH, that keeps me hanging on, is really something…Ad majorem Dei Gloriam.
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