3 days before the curtain closes

I can’t believe me. Three days before I walk out of the office as an official employee and I am still cramming to finish the load assigned to me. Of course I don’t want to blame the perpetually late government bureaucracy for releasing the data I need way beyond the date they promised me. I was supposed to get this damn research report published by the 15th of March. And now, its already the 29th and I am still processing the data. So much for the timetable and planning I prepared after I handed that resignation.
There are still times when I would ask God why He gave me this job. I am sure I made it clear to Him that I will never engaged in anything that would require me to write beyond hi’s and hello’s or Dear Sir or Madam. But lo and behold! I am a research associate, and my main task is to write and read and….write again. I still believe that this is one of the biggest ironies in my life. Another one is hearing comments from my friends that the guy I liked for quite sometime just hooked up with a girld who looks like me! That’s another story, of course.
Going back, this cramming disease, I have been planning on getting rid of this since high school. But the forces of nature always seem to get the best of me. Lucky me, I was able to survive college. For some weird reasons, I always have to beg for divine intervention to help me finish stuff, which I miraculously always receive. Lucky me again.

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What an amazing way to end the day! Great thanks to ia. Thank you for making my day! I thought I am going to drag myself again trying to finish..yes, cram the last two remaining load before I finally close this chapter in my life..(Naks! Ang drama!) Really, music is the food for our souls. I must say, my friend IA is an expert in finding these kinds of music. I think she can earn extra just by doing this. She really has a knack in saying which ones are hit. It just makes wanna dance the night away!

Singing…….
Let’s hear for the boys!
Feels like…I’m on the top of the world looking, down on creations and the only explanation I can find is the love that I found ever since you’ve been around….. your love put me at the top of the world Don’t sway don’t go go away…. Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you…..
Somebody to love…
I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody….
How will I know, how will I know…how will I know,, How will I know if he really loves me?
Why do you lock yourself up in these chains? Someday somebody’s gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye, till then baby are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry..don’t you know things will change if you hold on for one more day..things will go your way…Hold on for one more day…

Random Thoughts

I am so tired. But this is more physical and mental than anything else. I guess its because I am not taking any vitamins or supplements. Argghhh…I don’t like being in this situation because its so tempting to be hopeless and depressed. It’s so hard to pick up my "energetic" pace and do what I want to do.

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Of course, its human nature to respond to how our environment is moving along. The stimulus is almost automatic that sometimes, uncontrolled and impulsive behaviors have been understood with much regret. But then again, I know there are those who believe that consistent and disciplined training of one’s self can reduce reactionary behavior. That is something I need to master. From my experience in my first job, I realized that I have been too affected and reactionary to how the management has run the company. I felt that they were too arbitrary so it almost came to a point that my behavior, more of the negative and not-so-commendable-ones have been borne-out of disappointment and sort-of retaliation to them. Of course, in all humility, I must admit that some of them are wrong. That is why I stressed earlier that it requires consistent and disciplined reminder of one’s self to avoid reactionary attitude and behavior. I believe that effective people are those that are able to control themselves and do not allow external force to alter their personalities, at least to a certain extent.
I am gunning to be that person. Because I have high goals, I know that it needs a lot of personality development and character building to be able to get to where I want to go. I need to focus and really think about my actions and my perspective, how I see the things going on around me. All in all, I believe that it’s not simply because of my goals but because I really want to be a better person. And this is only one way of achieving that goal.

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I admit..
As a tribute to my first job, I am going to reminisce the good and the not-so-good experiences and memories I’ve had while learning life-enriching lessons at work. I never thought that it would come true. I once asked God to give a job that would allow me to still read Time, The Economist and other magazines. And He did.

Another chapter of student life

Its not yet final but I already made some arrangements and the requirements are on their way. I did not plan for this to happen but a good friend of mine invited me to take Masters in International Studies in UP. I must admit, I was very open to the idea because I have planned on this right after I graduated before things turned for the worse. But that is another story. It's only a 6-unit semester that is just enough to keep me updated on the things happening around the globe while I am figuring out a way to make our business prosper..more like becoming a woman-Lucio Tan or Henry Sy or Manny Villar.

The truth is, the one thing holding me back from pursuing this is our financial standing. I don't know where to get the money to enroll, I am not even sure if my siblings and two nieces can enroll because we are currently cash-strapped. I thought, well, I might as well apply, if I get accepted I'll just worry about where to get the money in the future. So help me God.

And the regrets started knocking..

I never thought I'd regret my decision to resign from this job. I always felt that it was the best decision to make especially when my family is not really in the best position and I'm not happy with my kind of work. But that is until earlier after lunch. Give me the chance first to state that one of the things i will really miss in my work is to be in the same room with the big bosses. I dreamed of that even when I was studying only that I never thought i'd be on the side lines. But never the less it was still a dream come true. My friends have this notion that if we want something from God, we better be good enough to specify it because God, in His good-natured and funny way, has this tendency to be vague in answering prayers. SO there I was, In the same room with the people some people we look up to in the business world, only that they barely know I was there, with them. I was thinking of something else.

Anyways, going back, we hosted a lunch for a foreign minister and some of the guests were businessmen from that country. Now the foreign club here also invited their members and that's were everything began. I thought that I'd never see the light of this day..when regret would dawn and sadden me to well, regret.. Doing my usual stuff walking around the venue looking at how everything is going on..Suddenly, my eyes darted towards this almost full table. Automatically, I caught the face of this cute looking guy ( well, at least for me, and for yenny! thanks yen!) At first I thought he's Filipino, but as the meeting went on, I noticed he's very fluent in French (hay!) and has an American(?) twang. I keep on looking at him but he keeps on seeing me looking at him too. I don't really want to think that he's also watching me out but it seems to be the case because we keep on locking our gazes for about a second (well, call it short, still send some kilig factor in my stomach).

When the meeting ended, I was quite shy and so I was trying hard not to cross paths with him, but i eventually, accidentally followed him outside. He hanged around and asked some questions while i was so nervous and I keep on flipping the pages of this directory that I know, if he was watching me, he'd notice that I'm just acting my part, for lack of anything else to do. So there, he ask for something I wasn't brave enough to stand up and meet him so the person he was talking to called my officemate instead. Then that was the time that Yenny exclaimed how cute he is. I felt vindicated. I know he has this charm that I can't seem to get my eyes off him so i keep on coming back to the place where there is a good view of him.

I was also invited by my boss to join him and Yenny to a store-tour hoping that he would be there. Hay, i don't know if it would make any difference if I stay here but I was pretty sure, and even with the thoughts of him, I am still convinced, that the resignation was the best decision. Its just that even though I would be free of the stress I dread from this place, there is still the recognition, that well, I could never be as close to them as this. I don't know and I'm not closing my reality to the probability that maybe someday, while I am taking a leisurely tour in the mall or having lunch, dinner or meryenda with friend, I would chance upon his face again. But from experience, I never had something I really wanted, especially a guy, to come and talk to me and really get to know me.

All that I really had was hopes and dreams, for now, I need to force them out of my system. Bcause tomorrow, reality will take its place again and my countdown will continue and I still have a research report, two articles and lots of stuff to fix before I turn my back on this opportunity. I said to a friend I wanted to see him and meet him again even for the last time, just so I could look at his face, and he said, it can happen, serendipity can make it possible. I said its not true, it has not happened to me yet. And I don't think it'll ever will. That's just to impossible for me. So I said to a friend my current reality would not allow a lovelife to fit in. Sad but that's just how it is.

Waiting

It’s only 27 days before I finally leave this office as an employee. I feel excited and relieved that I don’t have to witness, starting next month, the sadistic meetings and petty fights that nonsensical people here busy themselves with. I still feel anxious though, it seems as if, as the last day nears, the longer each day becomes. The 24-hour day seems to stretch longer and time moving even slower. There’s nothing new though, I still feel that I am dragging myself each day and I come home almost crawling. The only consolation I get is the thought that I don’t have to put up with my lazy and overbearing boss who has this uncanny ability to blow up little things into big issues. And then there’s the second in command, who thinks he’s way above everyone else, who doesn’t seem to have anything to do but to walk around and pretend that by reading newspapers and facilitating work systems that are nonetheless inefficient, he’s already worthy of a six-digit salary.

hope that day comes when i wake up tomorrow.