On my fifth day of novena, I was a bit sleepy during the homily so I had to exert extra effort to hear what the priest has to say. Surprisingly, he did catch my attention with his sermon. It was, according to the church, the Holy Innocence day. In a gist, he said that the suffering brought about by the slaying of the innocent to kill the would-be king was an inevitable event. The relevance of the commeration however, is not that the young had to be killed or sacrificed but that we should look at how the people who has witnessed, suffered and survived the ordeal, has carried on with faith. He mentioned that when we go through extreme sacrifices we are called to embrace the totality of the experience and realize that it draws us closer to the love of God. We are invited to offer our pains to Him as we share His sufferings when He sacrificed His own son for our salvation.
Earlier, I had coffee and snacks with my colleague and two bosses at Starbucks. Again, they are trying to psych me out of the whole lovestruck episode in my life. They can't seem to understand why I am in so much pain when the experience should have been more inspiring, to say the least. My colleague has been asking me why I keep on suppressing the feeling when its very much apparent. My bosses are puzzled why I have to cry over the fact that I like him. Only during the mass was I able to understand what all of them are driving at.
Since the time I realized that I like him, I did not like the idea. I thought at first he is way out of my league (and then later on I realized, it was me who was out of his league!). Apart from the fact that we throw funny, sometimes even nasty jokes on each other, he is not very much into what I like nor am I keen on doing the stuff he does. I am very uptight and he is cool, laidback about so many things. Though we both are OCs in some ways - we want things to be functionally organized - we don't have much in common except for the sense of humor. I've known him for quite sometime but only when I really got to talk to him often did I realize that I want to get to know more about him - and that I like him.
I have given him some of harshest (delivered in a funny way!) comments I have ever given to anybody alive and I have belittled him in so many ways that I want to shrink whenever I remember those moments. I have made it undoubtedly clear to him that I can never, ever like him the way some girls do. Surprisingly, there are quite a few women who fell for him because of his charms. Yes, he has charms, though it's not very apparent when you first encounter him. I have been in denial, though I my emotions betray me, because I do not want to admit that of all people he is the one I've fallen for. The more painful part is he doesn't know I have fallen for him.
Part of my difficulty is due to the struggle within me to be at peace with my will and emotions. My will has declared he cannot be the one I like; my emotion is telling me he has found the part where it hurts the most. During the mass, I felt warm and comforted by the realization that all along, I have been making it difficult for me to move on by refusing to accept the fact that I really do like him. There is no other way to put it. I have been resisting my feelings even though I recognize it and consequently, I have been at odds with myself.
I am now embracing my situation wholeheartedly. I can shout out to the world I like him (except to him!). I really really do. His presence sends shivers to spine. His smile makes me smile. And so I am ready to move on.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Why not him?
Im afraid I'm starting to feel
What I said I wouldnt do
The last time really hurt me
Im's scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
But everytime I fall in love
It seems to never last
But everytime your love is near
And everytime Im filled with fear
Coz everytime I see your face
My heart does begin to race everytime
So why not him? They asked. I was mum for like 5 seconds. My mind searched for an answer but I seem to be getting none. Later on, another friend asked me the same question, why not him? I had the time to sufficiently think about this and it occured to me that the question becomes irrelevant when directed to me. It's a question that should be rightfully thrown at him. I would like to think that I am a modern - yet traditional kind of woman. I definitely agree that women should be given certain equal rights, but when it comes to a relationship, I have been raised to believe that courtship must be initiated by men.
Why not him? Was the resounding question of the day. I have had a number of questions these past few days, none of which had any satisfying answer. And if one has an answer, it's something that comes along with so much pain. "Why not him?" amuses me a lot because it was asked with eager curiosity and unconcealable seriousness. It was as if I carry the decision in me to choose him instead of the other.
I just thought of a better answer today. And that is, it's not for me to decide.
What I said I wouldnt do
The last time really hurt me
Im's scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
But everytime I fall in love
It seems to never last
But everytime your love is near
And everytime Im filled with fear
Coz everytime I see your face
My heart does begin to race everytime
So why not him? They asked. I was mum for like 5 seconds. My mind searched for an answer but I seem to be getting none. Later on, another friend asked me the same question, why not him? I had the time to sufficiently think about this and it occured to me that the question becomes irrelevant when directed to me. It's a question that should be rightfully thrown at him. I would like to think that I am a modern - yet traditional kind of woman. I definitely agree that women should be given certain equal rights, but when it comes to a relationship, I have been raised to believe that courtship must be initiated by men.
Why not him? Was the resounding question of the day. I have had a number of questions these past few days, none of which had any satisfying answer. And if one has an answer, it's something that comes along with so much pain. "Why not him?" amuses me a lot because it was asked with eager curiosity and unconcealable seriousness. It was as if I carry the decision in me to choose him instead of the other.
I just thought of a better answer today. And that is, it's not for me to decide.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Be careful with what you wish for
I can still vividly remember the moment when in my prayers I asked God to draw me closer to HIm. I know from experience that every time I get the courage to ask for this, it never fails to be followed by a dilemma - usually concerning my family. IT never fails to bring me down on my knees but not for long. Soon thereafter, I am again drawn to the world and would sooner have to remind myself to ask God for the same providence. And the cycle continues.
This predicament I am in is a breakaway from that cycle, to say the very least. God probably got tired of chasing me around trying to keep me on my knees longer. He probably figured out that this is the best way to go even if it will hurt me the most. And He also found a way to keep me kneeling longer than I would usually do.
I have my heart broken, again. Same intensity just like the first time, almost ten years ago. Right now, I am still in the process of figuring whether I have brought this upon myself or it is something bound to happen regardless of my circumstance. Did I fall in love with the idea of love, and the person who caught my affections is love personified? Was I too eager to fall in love that fate decided to play a joke on me and allowed me to make a fool out of myself by falling for an undetermined-right-or-not-so-right-person? I have made peace with myself and accepted the fact that I am going through this, and that sooner rather than later, despair is inevitable. What is rather peculiar about this is that there were no promises made, no confessions of love, no commitments to keep - there was only the comfort of a friend and the warmth of laughter shared together.
"If I tell you "I Love You" you shouldn't wonder why, or how, or since when or for how long because I wouldn't have a single answer except to tell you again"
I don't have any reasons for feeling this way. I have been trying to go back my tracks to see where I have started falling but I reckon even if I do find the answer that is not enough for me to stop. There simply is no reason for loving him. I find it hard to believe at first, for surely there should be a reason. I cannot find one however.
What I did find in myself was an understanding that somehow, some things has to change. Its not the type of change just to please him or make him swoone over me. I dont think that decision to change whether it becomes apparent or not will make any difference in our relationship. Its a change brought by a realization that I can't go on forever living my life too defensively. I have to cut back on my meanness and be a bit more sensitive to others. This experience is making me want to become a better person. I have shunned hurt and mistaken this as a sign of strength but now I realized, that I have am still as vulnerable as before.
I am a staunch believer that when we love we do not seek to change a person or think that our love can change him or her. We love the person for he or she is and he or she has to offer. I have also determined before that I will fall in love with the person who would be able to help me control my mean streaks. But I realized that I have fallen for a person who doesn't have to tell me I have to stop. He is making me to want to stop even if he doesn't ask me to do so. He hasn't offered me anything but I am making an offer to myself because of how I feel for him.
In an attempt to understand my situation, although I have my doubts whether the answer will be given to me, I have been moved to pray the rosary and to go to mass everyday. I have even offered a novena for him. I have been quite determined to win this - not particularly him - battle for me (although the battle lines seems blurred) because its only now I have seen the extent of my relationship with people. I take pride that I am able to keep good friends and healthy relationships but it never occured to me before that there are things that needs to be changed in terms of how I deal with them. I have always been sarcastic and I usually have a funny comment on most issues. They have been gracious enough to accomodate me and never really minded my sarcasms. I guess its only now that I have seen a bigger picture.
In the end, my prayers were answered, only in a bittersweet way. I have to remind myself to think twice before asking the next time because He never fails to give.
This predicament I am in is a breakaway from that cycle, to say the very least. God probably got tired of chasing me around trying to keep me on my knees longer. He probably figured out that this is the best way to go even if it will hurt me the most. And He also found a way to keep me kneeling longer than I would usually do.
I have my heart broken, again. Same intensity just like the first time, almost ten years ago. Right now, I am still in the process of figuring whether I have brought this upon myself or it is something bound to happen regardless of my circumstance. Did I fall in love with the idea of love, and the person who caught my affections is love personified? Was I too eager to fall in love that fate decided to play a joke on me and allowed me to make a fool out of myself by falling for an undetermined-right-or-not-so-right-person? I have made peace with myself and accepted the fact that I am going through this, and that sooner rather than later, despair is inevitable. What is rather peculiar about this is that there were no promises made, no confessions of love, no commitments to keep - there was only the comfort of a friend and the warmth of laughter shared together.
"If I tell you "I Love You" you shouldn't wonder why, or how, or since when or for how long because I wouldn't have a single answer except to tell you again"
I don't have any reasons for feeling this way. I have been trying to go back my tracks to see where I have started falling but I reckon even if I do find the answer that is not enough for me to stop. There simply is no reason for loving him. I find it hard to believe at first, for surely there should be a reason. I cannot find one however.
What I did find in myself was an understanding that somehow, some things has to change. Its not the type of change just to please him or make him swoone over me. I dont think that decision to change whether it becomes apparent or not will make any difference in our relationship. Its a change brought by a realization that I can't go on forever living my life too defensively. I have to cut back on my meanness and be a bit more sensitive to others. This experience is making me want to become a better person. I have shunned hurt and mistaken this as a sign of strength but now I realized, that I have am still as vulnerable as before.
I am a staunch believer that when we love we do not seek to change a person or think that our love can change him or her. We love the person for he or she is and he or she has to offer. I have also determined before that I will fall in love with the person who would be able to help me control my mean streaks. But I realized that I have fallen for a person who doesn't have to tell me I have to stop. He is making me to want to stop even if he doesn't ask me to do so. He hasn't offered me anything but I am making an offer to myself because of how I feel for him.
In an attempt to understand my situation, although I have my doubts whether the answer will be given to me, I have been moved to pray the rosary and to go to mass everyday. I have even offered a novena for him. I have been quite determined to win this - not particularly him - battle for me (although the battle lines seems blurred) because its only now I have seen the extent of my relationship with people. I take pride that I am able to keep good friends and healthy relationships but it never occured to me before that there are things that needs to be changed in terms of how I deal with them. I have always been sarcastic and I usually have a funny comment on most issues. They have been gracious enough to accomodate me and never really minded my sarcasms. I guess its only now that I have seen a bigger picture.
In the end, my prayers were answered, only in a bittersweet way. I have to remind myself to think twice before asking the next time because He never fails to give.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Beginnings of my realization
Background music: Girl on TV by LFO
I happen to have the opportunity to spend some quiet time with myself tonight. Just me and the radio, a few good songs, and a positive vibe. I felt very much at home. I have been enjoying moments such as this for quite some time and it has done me some good. I am feeling good about myself, it's actually spilling over to the people around me. A day after my attempt to get drunk with some of my friends, I'm feeling better. It's amazing. I never believed others when they say that alcohol can make your worries go away but after last night, I am inclined to believe that alcohol does offer solutions to some of man's woes.
========================================================================================
I texted one of my friends about how I am feeling now and here's what I told her:
"Funny...I never believed alcohol can make things better but after last night, I felt strong enough to make a decision to move on. I must be honest with you, still it hurts so much until now I'm still crying. But I realized that part of moving on is accepting that crying if inevitable. I was not ready to face the fact that I feel this way. For a time, I was in denial. Now I'm just in pain. But I can never really despise love because it's neutral and it doesn't side with anyone. It's there for the perfect couple; it's not there for those who were not meant to be. We tend to always forget that love has a shadow: hurt. They always coexist; they are never to be parted. I can't tell you who he is because the mere mention of his name makes me cry. I hope everything makes more sense now. I shared this because again, I can't escape from my own nature. I can't move on without telling a soul. I'm happy you are there."
=======================================================================================
Background: Fall on me - Rob Thomas
Everytime - Janet Jackson
Writing this made me realize how even the strongest falter because of love. I was not looking for it but just like the others, it found me. Poor unfortunate me. Was I becoming dull and boring, that the forces of the universe decided to unsettle my senses? I was content on waiting but I guess it did not want me to.
Sometimes love happens and there's nothing you can do about it.
I happen to have the opportunity to spend some quiet time with myself tonight. Just me and the radio, a few good songs, and a positive vibe. I felt very much at home. I have been enjoying moments such as this for quite some time and it has done me some good. I am feeling good about myself, it's actually spilling over to the people around me. A day after my attempt to get drunk with some of my friends, I'm feeling better. It's amazing. I never believed others when they say that alcohol can make your worries go away but after last night, I am inclined to believe that alcohol does offer solutions to some of man's woes.
========================================================================================
I texted one of my friends about how I am feeling now and here's what I told her:
"Funny...I never believed alcohol can make things better but after last night, I felt strong enough to make a decision to move on. I must be honest with you, still it hurts so much until now I'm still crying. But I realized that part of moving on is accepting that crying if inevitable. I was not ready to face the fact that I feel this way. For a time, I was in denial. Now I'm just in pain. But I can never really despise love because it's neutral and it doesn't side with anyone. It's there for the perfect couple; it's not there for those who were not meant to be. We tend to always forget that love has a shadow: hurt. They always coexist; they are never to be parted. I can't tell you who he is because the mere mention of his name makes me cry. I hope everything makes more sense now. I shared this because again, I can't escape from my own nature. I can't move on without telling a soul. I'm happy you are there."
=======================================================================================
Background: Fall on me - Rob Thomas
Everytime - Janet Jackson
Writing this made me realize how even the strongest falter because of love. I was not looking for it but just like the others, it found me. Poor unfortunate me. Was I becoming dull and boring, that the forces of the universe decided to unsettle my senses? I was content on waiting but I guess it did not want me to.
Sometimes love happens and there's nothing you can do about it.
Friday, December 07, 2007
After Denial
you are my sweetest downfall, i loved you first, i loved you first beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, i have to go..
So after denial, after facing the truth about me, I now have to face the painful reality that its half heartache and half bliss. I have never written for quite sometime about this and I find it amusing, ridiculous, and one and half stupid. As a defense mechanism, I try to rationalize and deny but then again I have accepted the fact that there is no more denying, no more pretensions only lies.
The age old wonder that haunts humanity now comes knocking at my door. It never fails to get you off-guard. I never asked for this. I am filled with thoughts of how I want to embrace it but not this way. Definitely not this way.
But it did make me realize how unprepared I am. To think that I've been through a lot. I never thought that in this part of my life, I am most unprepared. I don't think I have the skill at all. I have ideals, I have my should-would-could, but then again, as they say, theories are never enough.
Where do I begin? How do I go about this? All challenges are tough, some lasts longer than the other, others leave a mark, this one is intense. It inspires my thoughts yet smears my ideals. I have been for the most part at ease and at peace, now I am bothered. I tried to get rid of it but its just so damn hard. How do you get rid of something which you never invited in the first place?
I have to go, i have to go..
So after denial, after facing the truth about me, I now have to face the painful reality that its half heartache and half bliss. I have never written for quite sometime about this and I find it amusing, ridiculous, and one and half stupid. As a defense mechanism, I try to rationalize and deny but then again I have accepted the fact that there is no more denying, no more pretensions only lies.
The age old wonder that haunts humanity now comes knocking at my door. It never fails to get you off-guard. I never asked for this. I am filled with thoughts of how I want to embrace it but not this way. Definitely not this way.
But it did make me realize how unprepared I am. To think that I've been through a lot. I never thought that in this part of my life, I am most unprepared. I don't think I have the skill at all. I have ideals, I have my should-would-could, but then again, as they say, theories are never enough.
Where do I begin? How do I go about this? All challenges are tough, some lasts longer than the other, others leave a mark, this one is intense. It inspires my thoughts yet smears my ideals. I have been for the most part at ease and at peace, now I am bothered. I tried to get rid of it but its just so damn hard. How do you get rid of something which you never invited in the first place?
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