Embrace

On my fifth day of novena, I was a bit sleepy during the homily so I had to exert extra effort to hear what the priest has to say. Surprisingly, he did catch my attention with his sermon. It was, according to the church, the Holy Innocence day. In a gist, he said that the suffering brought about by the slaying of the innocent to kill the would-be king was an inevitable event. The relevance of the commeration however, is not that the young had to be killed or sacrificed but that we should look at how the people who has witnessed, suffered and survived the ordeal, has carried on with faith. He mentioned that when we go through extreme sacrifices we are called to embrace the totality of the experience and realize that it draws us closer to the love of God. We are invited to offer our pains to Him as we share His sufferings when He sacrificed His own son for our salvation.

Earlier, I had coffee and snacks with my colleague and two bosses at Starbucks. Again, they are trying to psych me out of the whole lovestruck episode in my life. They can't seem to understand why I am in so much pain when the experience should have been more inspiring, to say the least. My colleague has been asking me why I keep on suppressing the feeling when its very much apparent. My bosses are puzzled why I have to cry over the fact that I like him. Only during the mass was I able to understand what all of them are driving at.

Since the time I realized that I like him, I did not like the idea. I thought at first he is way out of my league (and then later on I realized, it was me who was out of his league!). Apart from the fact that we throw funny, sometimes even nasty jokes on each other, he is not very much into what I like nor am I keen on doing the stuff he does. I am very uptight and he is cool, laidback about so many things. Though we both are OCs in some ways - we want things to be functionally organized - we don't have much in common except for the sense of humor. I've known him for quite sometime but only when I really got to talk to him often did I realize that I want to get to know more about him - and that I like him.

I have given him some of harshest (delivered in a funny way!) comments I have ever given to anybody alive and I have belittled him in so many ways that I want to shrink whenever I remember those moments. I have made it undoubtedly clear to him that I can never, ever like him the way some girls do. Surprisingly, there are quite a few women who fell for him because of his charms. Yes, he has charms, though it's not very apparent when you first encounter him. I have been in denial, though I my emotions betray me, because I do not want to admit that of all people he is the one I've fallen for. The more painful part is he doesn't know I have fallen for him.

Part of my difficulty is due to the struggle within me to be at peace with my will and emotions. My will has declared he cannot be the one I like; my emotion is telling me he has found the part where it hurts the most. During the mass, I felt warm and comforted by the realization that all along, I have been making it difficult for me to move on by refusing to accept the fact that I really do like him. There is no other way to put it. I have been resisting my feelings even though I recognize it and consequently, I have been at odds with myself.

I am now embracing my situation wholeheartedly. I can shout out to the world I like him (except to him!). I really really do. His presence sends shivers to spine. His smile makes me smile. And so I am ready to move on.