I know how it feels

Everyday you go out. You look for an event, you want to talk to people, you pretend to be busy, you cling on to people who can make you laugh, people who are funny, people who make sense, people who can help you forget, even just for a while. You never have a single moment when you would sit down and contemplate on what exactly is going on. If you don't get what you want then you turn to some other things. You never give yourself the time to breathe, to talk, to stop, to reflect, because just a second of doing so would bring you exactly where you don't want to be: face to face with agony.

You may be in the denial stage. You declare that you have gotten over and that you have forgiven but the truth is, you haven't. What happened to you maybe one of the most painful things that could happen to anybody: to be betrayed by somebody you love. You want to know why but even if the answer is already there, the whys just wouldn't stop coming. No answer is going to be sufficient to keep the pain from hurting. And when the time comes when all the answers in the world has been laid out, it's still there, still hurts like hell.

The pain from being hurt by a loved one is like benzene. Benzene is a highly-flammable substance that when lit, cannot be extinguished by water, it just burns. The only way to stop it is to let the fire consume the chemical. It cannot be stopped, only contained. And when the chemical has been consumed only then will the fire stop.

And so it is with you. You pretend to live your life back the way it was. You immerse yourself in the fleeting joys of the world and chase after life because inside you feel like dying. You just want to go back to the old you, before the pain, before the break up, before the tragedy. You have been betrayed but even after knowing who the culprit is, still it did not give you justice; it did not give you peace. And you still cannot escape the inevitable, the pain. You douse yourself in the waters of the world but that is not how you can put off the fire inside.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still - Exodus 14:14

I don't know when I can say this to you or if I can ever do so. But you need to understand that you need to sit this out until it lasts, until it consumes itself. You keep moving, you keep forgetting what needs to be accepted, you keep on denying yourself to be hurt just prolongs the pain. And you cannot just sit this out once. You probably have to give yourself more time than you think you can afford. The life that you had before is not something you can gain back. Whether you like it or not, your life is changed forever because you have loved. Trying to forget and trying to recoup what you think you have lost is to lose out on the opportunity to become a better man.

There is a gem, a wisdom hidden beneath the pain. Be courageous to stretch out your arm to go through the chaos and look for it. And looking for it requires solitude, requires a quiet time. And this quiet time requires patience. You have a lot of things at your disposal but they will never give you the peace such as the one that you will gain by seeking the wisdom behind your pain. As Steve Jobs has mentioned, you can only connect the dots looking back; there is no way of knowing looking forward. So have faith, believe in the goodness that this experience will bring you; believe that you are exactly where you are meant to be at the exact time and place and with the right people; trust that this is not just a random act of life and that you were played upon because you have been too good.

As I would always tell myself when its becoming tougher and tougher, suck it up. Take it in. Immerse yourself in the pain and let it flow through every vein in your body until you fully understand even beyond words that this has to happen one way or another, if not today, then some other time.

This is not just a consolation for you. But this is one of the ways to help you man-up. I would always tell my trainees, you can never learn to swim unless you jump in the water. So it is with life and love. Life happens when you least expect it; and you'll never know love until you get hurt.

I am excited to see the man, the great man you are meant to be.

This is for my friend who is struggling from swimming in the sea of love, trying to keep his head above water, instead of floating.

Heart broken

Why do hearts break? And why does it hurt so much?

I guess you can never really escape the fact that hearts break and when they do, you beat the hell out of you just to survive. I've seen people crawl their way out of this predicament by crying (lots and lots of it, and I've done this, way more than you think I am capable of), others waste their life away doing just about anything to keep the memory of loving and losing in the same frame. I, myself, have been heart-broken and I thought back then that I would not be able to get out of it. The thing is, when you love someone you just can't explain why and even though you want to let go, the certainty of agony is as sure as the sun rising the following day.

I don't like the feeling of being needy. I don't like the feeling of emptiness. Why does it feel like after having loved someone, there's nothing much left in you. No matter what you do it just aches and aches and aches. This is me, dealing with heartbreak the human way.

One of the things that got me through my heartbreaks was the thought that God has something so big, it cannot pass through our heart unless, our hearts are broken. I still believe that until now. But I still cannot escape that fact that it hurts so bad.

Lord, I offer my heart to you. To tell you honestly, I don't think I can survive another heartbreak after this. So, I'm giving it back to you and do not give it to me until such time when You know that I can handle it again. For now, let me give up. Just let me let go.

For now, please help me use my pain for the sake of others. I'm not really sure how that works I'm sure you do so I just leave it up to you.

At 30

I wrote this on my birthday, 17 August. I only got the chance to post it now.

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I am an insecure writer. Writing is one of my biggest frustrations. There are so many things I would have written about me, about life, about men, boys, friends, joys, tears, sufferings, work, career, family, faith, and God, but I never got the chance to do so because I always think that my writing never does justice to the wealth I have accumulated in my head and my life. This is an attempt to start overcoming my insecurities. I was never really brave enough to let other people read my thoughts. Well for one, they don’t have to, I talk incessantly so they don’t even have to second guess. But there are some things that I would be more inclined to write about only because when I write, I can say more. Intentionally and unintentionally, I know I can be funny and sometimes not taken seriously, so in the hopes that despite my ‘hopefully’ funny quips you will still understand the things I want to share, I will attempt to write it down.

It is my 30th birthday. Hurray! Turning 30 is probably one of the most common and normal things we can encounter in life, and so is turning 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 31, 32, 33, or even 40. We are surrounded by people from this wonderful age bracket and I will have to say already, this is the coolest age bracket to belong to.

But then I am reminded of the people who never get to reach this age - the children who suffer from the most cruel of diseases; the young people who squander their youth with vices or those who do so in exchange for some lofty or not so lofty ideals; children who were never given a chance to be born; people who never wanted to leave but sadly had their time up; and those who never found the inspiration to go on living so took it upon themselves to retire early from life.

And then I start to be thankful. Turning 30 is a gift and a gift I am really most happy to embrace and receive.

What a revelation God has brought to me by bringing me into this workplace. I did a 360 degrees turn from loathing to loving this job. I realized that He allows us to go through the most difficult of times not because we deserve it but because we are able to appreciate better the great things He has in store for us.

AT 30, just like most of you probably, I have laughed, cried my heart out, been depressed, loved, been heartbroken (a couple of times), been inspired, suffered loss of loved ones, failed, questioned, succeeded, believed, but most important of all lived. I may not have been the best in some areas of my life but here’s to hoping I have 30 or more years to strive doing so (and actually get there!).

At 30, I have come to fully understand that to love is never a consequence of feelings but always of decision and commitment (Yes I have, but spare me the questions. =D ). And sometimes even if you fail to get what you really want, it is about who you become out of the experience.

At 30, I realized that your strength and resolve can fail you, but faith never will. The greatest strength you can summon to yourself is to accept that you cannot do things alone, you cannot do things on your own, and that it is not all about you.

At 30, I have come to discover the real fountain of youth. Laughter. Laugh at just about anything, find the beauty in people and be thankful even for the most cruel of things. You will realize that nothing can harm you and make you age at lightning speed when you always find a reason or something to laugh about.

It’s fun to be 30. I love being 30. I think it’s cool being 30. So many things I can do and more things to look forward to.

I think I can be young forever. =)

Thanks everyone for being part of my 30 years.

P. S. Correct my lapses tomorrow. For now, let me think that I have written well.

Thanks,

Lady Gail Pelayo
Training Officer
Training, Resourcing, and Instructional Design - Citiphone - O&T
Citigroup Business Process Solutions Pte. Ltd.
25/F PBCom Tower, 6795 Ayala Ave., cor. V.A. Rufino St.,
Makati City 1226, Philippines

The weekend I got my life back

I didn't have any expectations. I almost backed out but I manage to compose myself, thinking, what have I got to lose? On Thursday night, I texted Tiny* that I'm thankful for what she has done to make this possible and for having high hopes for me. I didn't quite see what the point was of attending the getaway especially because I am Catholic and there are a lot of other Catholic retreats available out there. Maybe it was her enthusiasm; maybe it was the sense of adventure, or what was left of it in me; maybe because I didn't have the time to look for other retreats and my mandatory leave is just about to start; maybe it was because a lot of people kept asking me what I will do on my leave that I was obliged to say that I was going on a retreat just so I wouldn't look too much of a loser since a lot of them spent their leaves with so much to do and I had nothing, at least apart from the weekend getaway.

Or maybe it was divinely ordained.

I didn't have any expectations because I was already tired of expecting, of hoping that there is something better out there for me. Believe it or not, I, myself, am surprised to be thinking of this. Here I am, with a thriving career, lots of friends, and a family who supports me, and yet I feel like there is nothing much for me. I try to recall how it feels to be content and fulfilled but I can't seem to make my imagination work for me. So I did not hope for anything magical. I did not want to be disappointed because that's the last thing I need in this hope-deprived situation.

Good thing I'm not the captain of my ship. I'm very grateful I came. Because the weekend I got away was the weekend I got my life back.

I was willing to participate in anything (thank goodness I still have this in me!) because I was there and I am a great proponent of one-time-big-time. I always say to my trainees, not liking your current situation is not an excuse for performing poorly - a consolation you can get for having been led to an undesirable state is getting the most out of it. I try to live by this. And so not having anyone to speak with did not intimidate me, I just wanted to see if I can get the most out of the event. But again, it's a good thing I didn't steer my own wheel. I have allowed myself to go with the tide this time because I am to tired to do the paddling.

It started in the bus. My busmates were nice and really very warm. For talking to me and encouraging me that this is something that was designed by a divine wisdom, thank you. And then there was the grouping. It is indeed a blessing to have a lot of them under the "I" for I would not have easily warmed up to them. I have to admit that I was feeding from their energy first because I was the odd one out. Whereas they could all answer the question, "which service do you attend?", I can only say, I'm Catholic and was invited by a friend. God knew I was not easily going to give in, that I was not as open as I should be; but He knew exactly which nerve He needed to pinch to make me let go of my hesitations.

The first thing He said was that if I keep on chasing what this world has to offer, I'll never be content. Ouch! I keep on asking myself, what else is there for me? Though with a good career, I still can't say that there is nothing to look forward to but for some reason I lost all the zest to continue and to chase my dreams. I kept asking myself what's next if I get this? And so He finally said, 'chase the things of God and you will never know where it will lead you'.

Next He said, 'the desire for a relationship is a God-given desire'. That's probably the reason why even though I think I loved, its not the fulfilling kind of love that I feel. One of my roomies mentioned that though we suffer, God does not just simply intentionally wants us to suffer. He wants us to be happy and delighted. I thought for a while then that God only wants me to be hurt, for whatever reason, He designed things with a necessary pain attached to it. That's probably because I wasn't emotionally involved with God. I had my ideas of love but they're not actually what you can call godly discernments of love. They were more based on the standards of the world - love at first sight, ladies being swept off their feet and the likes.

I guess the best part of it all is when He finally spoke to me and said, give me everything, for I deserve no less than everything. He asked from me everything I was carrying within me. And He did it not once, not twice, but many times during the event. I was ready to give it all up to just run according to what the world demands, and for some reason, God saw this and did not allow for this to happen that's why He brought me to the getaway.

I found new friends, fun friends, people who I know also carry crosses but are too-full of God that they can't even bother with the crosses they bear. And through them God spoke to me still. Each one has a burden to bear but though that might be the case, they are not alone, I am not alone, because I have a Father, not in heaven, but here with me, right now.

I went to the Singles Weekend Getaway carrying nothing but a bruised heart and a tired spirit. I came back with a life refreshed by the love of God and comforted by His presence.

I came with nothing and yet returned with everything.

The weekend I went away was the weekend I got my life back.