Everyday you go out. You look for an event, you want to talk to people, you pretend to be busy, you cling on to people who can make you laugh, people who are funny, people who make sense, people who can help you forget, even just for a while. You never have a single moment when you would sit down and contemplate on what exactly is going on. If you don't get what you want then you turn to some other things. You never give yourself the time to breathe, to talk, to stop, to reflect, because just a second of doing so would bring you exactly where you don't want to be: face to face with agony.
You may be in the denial stage. You declare that you have gotten over and that you have forgiven but the truth is, you haven't. What happened to you maybe one of the most painful things that could happen to anybody: to be betrayed by somebody you love. You want to know why but even if the answer is already there, the whys just wouldn't stop coming. No answer is going to be sufficient to keep the pain from hurting. And when the time comes when all the answers in the world has been laid out, it's still there, still hurts like hell.
The pain from being hurt by a loved one is like benzene. Benzene is a highly-flammable substance that when lit, cannot be extinguished by water, it just burns. The only way to stop it is to let the fire consume the chemical. It cannot be stopped, only contained. And when the chemical has been consumed only then will the fire stop.
And so it is with you. You pretend to live your life back the way it was. You immerse yourself in the fleeting joys of the world and chase after life because inside you feel like dying. You just want to go back to the old you, before the pain, before the break up, before the tragedy. You have been betrayed but even after knowing who the culprit is, still it did not give you justice; it did not give you peace. And you still cannot escape the inevitable, the pain. You douse yourself in the waters of the world but that is not how you can put off the fire inside.
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still - Exodus 14:14
I don't know when I can say this to you or if I can ever do so. But you need to understand that you need to sit this out until it lasts, until it consumes itself. You keep moving, you keep forgetting what needs to be accepted, you keep on denying yourself to be hurt just prolongs the pain. And you cannot just sit this out once. You probably have to give yourself more time than you think you can afford. The life that you had before is not something you can gain back. Whether you like it or not, your life is changed forever because you have loved. Trying to forget and trying to recoup what you think you have lost is to lose out on the opportunity to become a better man.
There is a gem, a wisdom hidden beneath the pain. Be courageous to stretch out your arm to go through the chaos and look for it. And looking for it requires solitude, requires a quiet time. And this quiet time requires patience. You have a lot of things at your disposal but they will never give you the peace such as the one that you will gain by seeking the wisdom behind your pain. As Steve Jobs has mentioned, you can only connect the dots looking back; there is no way of knowing looking forward. So have faith, believe in the goodness that this experience will bring you; believe that you are exactly where you are meant to be at the exact time and place and with the right people; trust that this is not just a random act of life and that you were played upon because you have been too good.
As I would always tell myself when its becoming tougher and tougher, suck it up. Take it in. Immerse yourself in the pain and let it flow through every vein in your body until you fully understand even beyond words that this has to happen one way or another, if not today, then some other time.
This is not just a consolation for you. But this is one of the ways to help you man-up. I would always tell my trainees, you can never learn to swim unless you jump in the water. So it is with life and love. Life happens when you least expect it; and you'll never know love until you get hurt.
I am excited to see the man, the great man you are meant to be.
This is for my friend who is struggling from swimming in the sea of love, trying to keep his head above water, instead of floating.
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