Its their eyes, their hair, their smile, their voice, their height that sends me off to dreaming in the land of love. Every time the boob tube reveals their gentle faces, I transcend the real world and fly away with cupid to where my heart longs to be. Beside Josh Groban, Christian Bautista, Jerry Yan, Vanness Wu, Ken Zhu... just a few of my princes. Though I knew I am way out of their league, I cannot deny myself of the luxury of day dreaming, its all i can ever have from them.
Deny me not the pleasure..
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Monday, July 05, 2004
Build yourself
Put your heart and mind and soul into what you are doing. Concentrate on what you think is best for you to succeed. If you are doing what you really like to do, no matter what criticisms are thrown at you, your detractors will never be half as good as you are.
If you don’t like what you are doing, reflect. Think hard and ask for divine guidance. I assure you, a message will come from the heavens and will instruct you to both proceed and endure and be patient or get out and seek better opportunities and environment. We are where we are right now because God has a great plan. Most of it is not known to men or will ever be understood by men, by us but what He has, believe in the greatest faith you could gather – even if it only measures the size of a mustard – is the best we all ever need. Some times they are not exactly how we like our gifts to be, they are raw, basic things that still needs to be put together with some other raw materials. They need to be harnessed, wisely utilized and shared with others. You see, God allows us to learn and what better way to do so than to experience life in its full totality. Living and breathing and screaming and laughing and thinking and crying and dancing and proscratining.
When you haven’t produced much enthusiasm and positive energy for the day, relax and don’t let the change of mood bother you, neither allow it to alter everything that you believe in and hope for. It is but natural for us humans, men and women to feel a bit down and scared of the uncertain future ahead of us. We know, we should be glad that we have those moments to look back to when the time comes and we’re overflowing with positive energy because it makes us appreciate what we have and it helps us to remember how human we are.
Recently, i realized, though i believe that the message is more of a reminder from God, that every thing is a gift. Even my yearning to earn so that I could give to my family is a blessing that He has yet to fully give me. I do am able to share in the minor expenses at home, but being given the responsibility is not something that you ask for, it is given. When God sees that you are capable enough of carrying the responsibility/gift of sharing, He will gladly provide you the means to do so. I thought that it was noble of me to carry the burden on my shoulders of thinking how to make ends meet. But God in His greatness answered me and calmed my fears. Only when He sees that we could do it will He give it to us. And in His goodness, we still are not left on our own to be who God wants us to be. He still provides us with the means so that we can become that person that He wants us to be.
There is so much to be thankful for, I realized. Every waking and breathing and living moment in our lives, there is something great that God has in store for us. When I open my eyes in the morning, I thank God for another day in my life, because I am given the opportunity to correct my mistakes and do better for that day. When I go our store, I marvel at how God had thought of putting things together that made processes such as buying and selling work out. I imagine how great the minds that designed all the beautiful slippers and the-not-so-beautiful-ones and the ingenuity and craftsmanship of shoemakers and slipper-makers.
I delight at the little things that tickle my funny bones, I contemplate on the events, ideas and memories that releases tears from my eyes. I think hard why some things are bound to scratch my ever so sensitive patience and throw me into fits of anger and I thank God for just allowing me to be who I can be.
If you don’t like what you are doing, reflect. Think hard and ask for divine guidance. I assure you, a message will come from the heavens and will instruct you to both proceed and endure and be patient or get out and seek better opportunities and environment. We are where we are right now because God has a great plan. Most of it is not known to men or will ever be understood by men, by us but what He has, believe in the greatest faith you could gather – even if it only measures the size of a mustard – is the best we all ever need. Some times they are not exactly how we like our gifts to be, they are raw, basic things that still needs to be put together with some other raw materials. They need to be harnessed, wisely utilized and shared with others. You see, God allows us to learn and what better way to do so than to experience life in its full totality. Living and breathing and screaming and laughing and thinking and crying and dancing and proscratining.
When you haven’t produced much enthusiasm and positive energy for the day, relax and don’t let the change of mood bother you, neither allow it to alter everything that you believe in and hope for. It is but natural for us humans, men and women to feel a bit down and scared of the uncertain future ahead of us. We know, we should be glad that we have those moments to look back to when the time comes and we’re overflowing with positive energy because it makes us appreciate what we have and it helps us to remember how human we are.
Recently, i realized, though i believe that the message is more of a reminder from God, that every thing is a gift. Even my yearning to earn so that I could give to my family is a blessing that He has yet to fully give me. I do am able to share in the minor expenses at home, but being given the responsibility is not something that you ask for, it is given. When God sees that you are capable enough of carrying the responsibility/gift of sharing, He will gladly provide you the means to do so. I thought that it was noble of me to carry the burden on my shoulders of thinking how to make ends meet. But God in His greatness answered me and calmed my fears. Only when He sees that we could do it will He give it to us. And in His goodness, we still are not left on our own to be who God wants us to be. He still provides us with the means so that we can become that person that He wants us to be.
There is so much to be thankful for, I realized. Every waking and breathing and living moment in our lives, there is something great that God has in store for us. When I open my eyes in the morning, I thank God for another day in my life, because I am given the opportunity to correct my mistakes and do better for that day. When I go our store, I marvel at how God had thought of putting things together that made processes such as buying and selling work out. I imagine how great the minds that designed all the beautiful slippers and the-not-so-beautiful-ones and the ingenuity and craftsmanship of shoemakers and slipper-makers.
I delight at the little things that tickle my funny bones, I contemplate on the events, ideas and memories that releases tears from my eyes. I think hard why some things are bound to scratch my ever so sensitive patience and throw me into fits of anger and I thank God for just allowing me to be who I can be.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Restless
I am a restless spirit. I am held firmly by invisible hands at my arms and feet, unable to dance and live openly to breathe the vitality of life. Cloaked as suction tubes, they sip the very life out of me and make me stay in one corner without moving an inch. I long to live life without boundaries. Without anyone holding me from doing the things I want. Like a butterfly gracefully hip-hopping on every beautiful flower. Like a hawk, mightily occupying the vastness of sky. Like a cheetah or a tiger or lion fiercely running in the open wild.
I want to seize what comes in front of me. I want to snatch the power of time, its cunning yet subtle way of making every other living thing under its command. I want to defy space and teleport in a place to another. I want to challenge all the strength there is in this world, until I have become tired of running, exploring, thinking, dancing but not living.
But something keeps hold of me. And it would not let me go.
My spirit is restless. I want to know the world. I want to live and breath and laugh and die with the world. I want to ask the trees how it feels to be one, or maybe ask the president of the United States of America his thoughts the moment I approach him. I want to emphatize with the others wrongly accused of crimes they did not commit or feel the lives of brilliant powerful people whose mere batting of eyelash commands thousand at his disposal.
My soul is restless, I know. And I acknowledge that nothing in this lifetime not even the reality of these thoughts would lay it to rest. I know only of one thing. And to that one Being I commend my restless spirit. ADMG
I want to seize what comes in front of me. I want to snatch the power of time, its cunning yet subtle way of making every other living thing under its command. I want to defy space and teleport in a place to another. I want to challenge all the strength there is in this world, until I have become tired of running, exploring, thinking, dancing but not living.
But something keeps hold of me. And it would not let me go.
My spirit is restless. I want to know the world. I want to live and breath and laugh and die with the world. I want to ask the trees how it feels to be one, or maybe ask the president of the United States of America his thoughts the moment I approach him. I want to emphatize with the others wrongly accused of crimes they did not commit or feel the lives of brilliant powerful people whose mere batting of eyelash commands thousand at his disposal.
My soul is restless, I know. And I acknowledge that nothing in this lifetime not even the reality of these thoughts would lay it to rest. I know only of one thing. And to that one Being I commend my restless spirit. ADMG
Sunday, June 27, 2004
Irony
I am an irony. A big walking contradiction. People would probably laugh at me when they know what’s going on in my life. Even I take a crack at myself sometimes..most of the time..only that its not anything of the funny stuff..its more of regret, of shame, of pity and self-doubt, of being my own best enemy. SO this is how it feels, the tumultuous period in one’s life. I don’t know how others get through it or even experience it. Soul-searching..I’ve got my life to find.
I feel useless. I get mad at everybody. My patience begins to snap at the first instance of friction. Selflessness is nowhere to be found. Its all about me. What will I do? Where will I be? Who will I become? What will I achieve? Even I tire hearing myself for these things. I used to be so irritated with my sister because I thought she was doing no good to our family, before. I was so sure that she’ll get nowhere with the way she’s acting. Doing the things she wishes to do without thinking of others, not minding how they might feel. I thought of myself as a savior for our family. I delighted at all the luxuries they have provided because I knew I was going to be THE ONE who will provide for them. I did not only delight, I demanded the very pleasures I wanted, because I believed these were wise investments on the future, on our future.
No need to go to the details of where I am. Can’t elaborate on the depressing state where I am. All the heavens and earth conspired to humble me. Something I needed, really. I know most of you will say..Youre not in such a bad situation..Yes, I am not..i must admit..I am not. Im just too fatalistic about the future.
I put my essence into what I can give to my family. I put value into the things I can provide and stop at that. When I say to others that its not the case, funny me, its how it is to me.. My value as a person, as a member of this family has all boiled down to giving back what they have given to me. Material insecurity.
Somebody tell me loud and clear, this is not the way things are…somebody please..
I feel useless. I get mad at everybody. My patience begins to snap at the first instance of friction. Selflessness is nowhere to be found. Its all about me. What will I do? Where will I be? Who will I become? What will I achieve? Even I tire hearing myself for these things. I used to be so irritated with my sister because I thought she was doing no good to our family, before. I was so sure that she’ll get nowhere with the way she’s acting. Doing the things she wishes to do without thinking of others, not minding how they might feel. I thought of myself as a savior for our family. I delighted at all the luxuries they have provided because I knew I was going to be THE ONE who will provide for them. I did not only delight, I demanded the very pleasures I wanted, because I believed these were wise investments on the future, on our future.
No need to go to the details of where I am. Can’t elaborate on the depressing state where I am. All the heavens and earth conspired to humble me. Something I needed, really. I know most of you will say..Youre not in such a bad situation..Yes, I am not..i must admit..I am not. Im just too fatalistic about the future.
I put my essence into what I can give to my family. I put value into the things I can provide and stop at that. When I say to others that its not the case, funny me, its how it is to me.. My value as a person, as a member of this family has all boiled down to giving back what they have given to me. Material insecurity.
Somebody tell me loud and clear, this is not the way things are…somebody please..
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
On my 1st year anniversary
On my 1st year anniversary
Today I celebrate my 1st year anniversary as a working and earning citizen of this country. All praises be God, giver of all good things. A year full of wonderful blessings, of paying taxes, of commuting in the combative route of mrt, of enjoying the luxuries of an all-day air-conditioned office, of ripping myself from bed and parting with my ever so lazy slumber. I believe that this is a reason for me to celebrate. It was one of the most memorable year of my life....yes, I could even consider it the most memorable.
I got this job after a painful experience of letting pass a golden opportunity for an internship in the government. Since then, I vowed never to let anything pass again. When this offer came, there were hesitations in my mind, especially because the job requires writing. Writing reports, articles, updates and letters, something I promised myself I would not do for a living. Really, life has a funny and ironic way of greeting us with blessings. But because I was so pained by the missed opportunity, I passed my resume anyway, I thought that if this was never meant for me, I wouldn’t even be shortlisted for it. Funny, I was hired for the job.
When I was 1 month old in the company, I was sent to Bacolod to do a story on San Miguel’s Community development program. The next day I was in Manila Peninsula, attending a high-profile business conference, more on the assessing the business climate in the Philippines for the year. It was my first time to attend such an event and much to my amazement, it was an enjoyable experience because I get to see the ‘bosses’ of the business community. Now names that appeared in news dailies have faces I could associate to.
So many things have happened in the whole first year of working, living outside the comforts of the academe. I was treated to all sorts of luxuries that I didn’t really thought was available for a rank and file employee like me, but I enjoyed them nonetheless. And then there were the depressing, sad and boring days at work. While I was enjoying the comforts of working, I am also at the brink of breaking down because of what my family is going through. My mom had cancer and we were just waiting for the time when God can take it no more to hear her cries of pain and desperation. Last October, God claimed her life and she was laid in peace.
Life moved on after that, no choice but to do so. Christmas and New Year were probably the saddest holidays we celebrated that year. No doubt, no Christmas and New Year will ever be the same again. Year 2004 opened with much expectations and hope. No way of turning back because doing so would mean death to life that has so much potential to give to the world. This I would want to with all conviction I could gather.
There are times when I literally have to convince myself why I need to go to the office when I cannot find much happiness aside from the comfort that the magazines littered in our office provide. Then my reluctance to go to work is compounded by my annoying department head, whose own demands he cannot even give himself. And the big boss who only knows how to belittle his people and push them around as if we haven’t done anything good. Not to mention the demotivating and meager pay.
My kind work motivates those who love intellectual masturbation (from the words of a respectable colleague in the debate society), not so much on the ideas but now, faced with real and true-to-life facts. Now comes the challenge of juggling reason and reality together so as to make them fit in a beautiful collage, which most of the time proves to be a feat for me.
What have I learned in my first year of work? Its really tough out here but bearable, otherwise, half of us would be dead by now... to be continued....
Today I celebrate my 1st year anniversary as a working and earning citizen of this country. All praises be God, giver of all good things. A year full of wonderful blessings, of paying taxes, of commuting in the combative route of mrt, of enjoying the luxuries of an all-day air-conditioned office, of ripping myself from bed and parting with my ever so lazy slumber. I believe that this is a reason for me to celebrate. It was one of the most memorable year of my life....yes, I could even consider it the most memorable.
I got this job after a painful experience of letting pass a golden opportunity for an internship in the government. Since then, I vowed never to let anything pass again. When this offer came, there were hesitations in my mind, especially because the job requires writing. Writing reports, articles, updates and letters, something I promised myself I would not do for a living. Really, life has a funny and ironic way of greeting us with blessings. But because I was so pained by the missed opportunity, I passed my resume anyway, I thought that if this was never meant for me, I wouldn’t even be shortlisted for it. Funny, I was hired for the job.
When I was 1 month old in the company, I was sent to Bacolod to do a story on San Miguel’s Community development program. The next day I was in Manila Peninsula, attending a high-profile business conference, more on the assessing the business climate in the Philippines for the year. It was my first time to attend such an event and much to my amazement, it was an enjoyable experience because I get to see the ‘bosses’ of the business community. Now names that appeared in news dailies have faces I could associate to.
So many things have happened in the whole first year of working, living outside the comforts of the academe. I was treated to all sorts of luxuries that I didn’t really thought was available for a rank and file employee like me, but I enjoyed them nonetheless. And then there were the depressing, sad and boring days at work. While I was enjoying the comforts of working, I am also at the brink of breaking down because of what my family is going through. My mom had cancer and we were just waiting for the time when God can take it no more to hear her cries of pain and desperation. Last October, God claimed her life and she was laid in peace.
Life moved on after that, no choice but to do so. Christmas and New Year were probably the saddest holidays we celebrated that year. No doubt, no Christmas and New Year will ever be the same again. Year 2004 opened with much expectations and hope. No way of turning back because doing so would mean death to life that has so much potential to give to the world. This I would want to with all conviction I could gather.
There are times when I literally have to convince myself why I need to go to the office when I cannot find much happiness aside from the comfort that the magazines littered in our office provide. Then my reluctance to go to work is compounded by my annoying department head, whose own demands he cannot even give himself. And the big boss who only knows how to belittle his people and push them around as if we haven’t done anything good. Not to mention the demotivating and meager pay.
My kind work motivates those who love intellectual masturbation (from the words of a respectable colleague in the debate society), not so much on the ideas but now, faced with real and true-to-life facts. Now comes the challenge of juggling reason and reality together so as to make them fit in a beautiful collage, which most of the time proves to be a feat for me.
What have I learned in my first year of work? Its really tough out here but bearable, otherwise, half of us would be dead by now... to be continued....
Saturday, June 12, 2004
I love writing but it doesn't love me back
I love writing but it doesn’t love me back
I love writing but it doesn’t love me back. Now that’s an irony considering that I get my “allowance” – I cannot exactly call it a pay or salary, but yes it is in so far as they see it, because I cannot even sustain myself with it (although I know that there are so many families in our country right now subsisting on amount lesser than what I get) – from working as researcher and writer for a business organization and business magazine. That’s also ironic because I graduated from a course that has got everything to do with writing complicated and nitty-gritty reports about man’s supposed perpetual curiosity about life, wisdom and what takes place in between the nerves in our unstable and imaginary minds. I always have grammatical lapses (ashamed as I may be to admit it, but yes even in Tagalog, I commit some grave grammatical errors, now that’s another story altogether). Not that I am proud of it but I have come to accept that it would take me quite some time before I can master the language. This being the case despite having graduated from a course that has been instructed in English and despite debating or adjudicating for several years during my college years.
Anyway, I have acknowledged my difficulty in expressing what’s on mind using the English language even when I was just high school. I realized that for a time before writing, I could still take hold of word, ideas in my head and yet when I am about to raise my pen and write in a blank sheet of paper, I realize the words quickly escape my mind. I love writing, I really do. Yet I find not enough strength to overcome my insecurities about how my words will form themselves to be able to make sense and about how I would be able to get the message across. They say that when writing, the first thing is to simply write without thinking what’s on my mind and allow the thoughts to flow from my head to my fingers. Letting no arrangements take place whatsoever, not minding the tenses, grammar, the point. I saw this movie, I forgot the title about a writer who suddenly disappeared from the circle and who became a friend of a boy. Finding Forrester, yep the title of the movie. I was so touched by the movie because it hit me right where my really aching. Not that I’m like the boy, Jamal, in the story, whose greatness and skill is undermined by the insecurities and envy of the people around him. Whose lives have been mitigated from discriminations both by people of other color and even those within their own racial shade.
I also want to give shape and form to the ideas in my head. To give life to them as if they are an intrinsic part of the world. But every time I try to do so, my skills are dwarfed by the numerous great articles and essays that have been printed and I am more afraid to be compared to them. I know that one of my weaknesses is to cave in to the criticisms of critics.
Im working on my writing though. Im working to make it better, if not at par with great essayists or journalists or writers or what-do-you-call those who write good works of literature..hahaha.. I will I know and I claim it. AMDG.
I love writing but it doesn’t love me back. Now that’s an irony considering that I get my “allowance” – I cannot exactly call it a pay or salary, but yes it is in so far as they see it, because I cannot even sustain myself with it (although I know that there are so many families in our country right now subsisting on amount lesser than what I get) – from working as researcher and writer for a business organization and business magazine. That’s also ironic because I graduated from a course that has got everything to do with writing complicated and nitty-gritty reports about man’s supposed perpetual curiosity about life, wisdom and what takes place in between the nerves in our unstable and imaginary minds. I always have grammatical lapses (ashamed as I may be to admit it, but yes even in Tagalog, I commit some grave grammatical errors, now that’s another story altogether). Not that I am proud of it but I have come to accept that it would take me quite some time before I can master the language. This being the case despite having graduated from a course that has been instructed in English and despite debating or adjudicating for several years during my college years.
Anyway, I have acknowledged my difficulty in expressing what’s on mind using the English language even when I was just high school. I realized that for a time before writing, I could still take hold of word, ideas in my head and yet when I am about to raise my pen and write in a blank sheet of paper, I realize the words quickly escape my mind. I love writing, I really do. Yet I find not enough strength to overcome my insecurities about how my words will form themselves to be able to make sense and about how I would be able to get the message across. They say that when writing, the first thing is to simply write without thinking what’s on my mind and allow the thoughts to flow from my head to my fingers. Letting no arrangements take place whatsoever, not minding the tenses, grammar, the point. I saw this movie, I forgot the title about a writer who suddenly disappeared from the circle and who became a friend of a boy. Finding Forrester, yep the title of the movie. I was so touched by the movie because it hit me right where my really aching. Not that I’m like the boy, Jamal, in the story, whose greatness and skill is undermined by the insecurities and envy of the people around him. Whose lives have been mitigated from discriminations both by people of other color and even those within their own racial shade.
I also want to give shape and form to the ideas in my head. To give life to them as if they are an intrinsic part of the world. But every time I try to do so, my skills are dwarfed by the numerous great articles and essays that have been printed and I am more afraid to be compared to them. I know that one of my weaknesses is to cave in to the criticisms of critics.
Im working on my writing though. Im working to make it better, if not at par with great essayists or journalists or writers or what-do-you-call those who write good works of literature..hahaha.. I will I know and I claim it. AMDG.
Friday, June 11, 2004
I resolve
I resolve
I don’t even want to start with how I feel today ‘coz I know I just suck. I haven’t been much of a help around here. My systems are down and I’m probably in the third to the last level of being totally depressed. Not yet totally, but I don’t want to wait for me to reach the abyss of life. There’s just so many damn things that get the nerves in my mind to overload and honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna figure all things out or how I’m gonna survive this situation.
I’ve got lots of friends and I know that theirs are ears willing to listen to the sufferings of a comrade. But even I get sooooooo tired of listening to my own rumblings. I feel that at the back of their minds are the comments, “here we go again” or “we’ve been through this before” or maybe even, “don’t you ever learn” and worst, “this gal really has a thing for self-pity”. And I know I would just simply be devastated to hear or even know even the slightest comment similar to the phrases above said about me.
What happened to me? I don’t want and I am trying to keep the reason that my mom just died because even if the heaven’s fall and God reprimand me personally, she would never be here, anymore, not in this lifetime. I don’t also want to allude to how our family is being rained on by so many tribulations that I get depressed and bogged down when I see that I couldn’t do a thing about it. I hate the feeling of helplessness. And I just can’t get it out of my mind that I’ve been given so many things hoping that I would be their savior in the future, which is today, but now, I’m really messed up.
Now I’m in front of our computer, trying to resolve everything going on in my life. If there’s one thing that keeps me hanging on to the promises of what they say, “it’s good to be alive”, its my faith. I’m not at all proud that I’ve come to reached this point in my life but I sure am very much thankful that I’ve got my faith to take care of the much more complicated stuff. There is one thing going in my mind right now that im sure of. I know that I just want to drop this in front of my God and say, “Hey, I can’t do this anymore. I can no longer carry even an ounce of burden, vividly picture my dreams, and fulfill responsibilities that are on my shoulders right now. I don’t want to think that I’m in control and that I’ll be able to get things straight anymore or if I’m ever gonna get things right in my life. Right now, there is only one thing in my life I know is in the right track. And that’s You, Father God. I’m willing to let go of everything and every one right at this very moment. I don’t have the power and the strength to face life carrying all of these things. It’s you I depend on. I’m ready to throw everything away at your command. Make me yours and yours only.”
It is the only thing that keeps me fighting and hoping that someday or maybe tomorrow I’m gonna be out of this thing. That I’ll truly be happy because I’ve let go of all the things that hinder me from being with my God. And I must say, this only Thing, my FAITH, that keeps me hanging on, is really something…Ad majorem Dei Gloriam.
I don’t even want to start with how I feel today ‘coz I know I just suck. I haven’t been much of a help around here. My systems are down and I’m probably in the third to the last level of being totally depressed. Not yet totally, but I don’t want to wait for me to reach the abyss of life. There’s just so many damn things that get the nerves in my mind to overload and honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna figure all things out or how I’m gonna survive this situation.
I’ve got lots of friends and I know that theirs are ears willing to listen to the sufferings of a comrade. But even I get sooooooo tired of listening to my own rumblings. I feel that at the back of their minds are the comments, “here we go again” or “we’ve been through this before” or maybe even, “don’t you ever learn” and worst, “this gal really has a thing for self-pity”. And I know I would just simply be devastated to hear or even know even the slightest comment similar to the phrases above said about me.
What happened to me? I don’t want and I am trying to keep the reason that my mom just died because even if the heaven’s fall and God reprimand me personally, she would never be here, anymore, not in this lifetime. I don’t also want to allude to how our family is being rained on by so many tribulations that I get depressed and bogged down when I see that I couldn’t do a thing about it. I hate the feeling of helplessness. And I just can’t get it out of my mind that I’ve been given so many things hoping that I would be their savior in the future, which is today, but now, I’m really messed up.
Now I’m in front of our computer, trying to resolve everything going on in my life. If there’s one thing that keeps me hanging on to the promises of what they say, “it’s good to be alive”, its my faith. I’m not at all proud that I’ve come to reached this point in my life but I sure am very much thankful that I’ve got my faith to take care of the much more complicated stuff. There is one thing going in my mind right now that im sure of. I know that I just want to drop this in front of my God and say, “Hey, I can’t do this anymore. I can no longer carry even an ounce of burden, vividly picture my dreams, and fulfill responsibilities that are on my shoulders right now. I don’t want to think that I’m in control and that I’ll be able to get things straight anymore or if I’m ever gonna get things right in my life. Right now, there is only one thing in my life I know is in the right track. And that’s You, Father God. I’m willing to let go of everything and every one right at this very moment. I don’t have the power and the strength to face life carrying all of these things. It’s you I depend on. I’m ready to throw everything away at your command. Make me yours and yours only.”
It is the only thing that keeps me fighting and hoping that someday or maybe tomorrow I’m gonna be out of this thing. That I’ll truly be happy because I’ve let go of all the things that hinder me from being with my God. And I must say, this only Thing, my FAITH, that keeps me hanging on, is really something…Ad majorem Dei Gloriam.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Superwoman
Superwoman
It is but normal, I guess, for a person of my age to be ideal and to dream big. The youth and vitality in me gives me the liberty to look wide-eyed at the opportunities presented to me by the world and to embrace them fully. Just like a typical spoiled-brat, figuratively speaking, I indulge myself with the thought of achieving all that I dream of in my life. And not the least of these things is my plan to be a powerful figure in the field of developmental politics. What I mean by that is to be a respected and sought after analyst and maybe consultant in matters that concern poverty alleviation, maybe even foreign policies and its implication and maybe even policy development in various fields such as health, environment, education or population.
In spite of my drive and enthusiasm to be who I want to be, its funny that I get nauseous whenever I think of the choices of my career path. There’s no question that in those choices lie who and what I will be in the future, what I cannot accept but I do know I eventually have to, is that I have to choose between all the these choices. And thinking that I cannot be all of these persons at the same time depresses me a bit. Haha, I know most of you would say. Girl, you are not a superwoman. I know that. But I have this nagging feeling that if think vividly and think hard, I would be someday. We’ll so far I haven’t been able to achieve much because my current disposition only succeeds in adding to my stress.
I am not a super woman. But I try to be. I look at other people, especially my colleagues, and I see them successful in their endeavors. It’s not that I have been mostly failure, but I guess I’ve mediocre for most of the time. My three years stay in a debate organization boosted my confidence yes, but I’m sad not to have been able to give back to the society. Every time I hear a colleague of mine has succeeded, I cannot help but compare myself and ask what can I not do that he or she can? Motivation sourced from envy? Clearly so.
Moral of the story: envy is not a good source of motivation only if it is the only source. It has to be sustained by a higher cause, a purpose that cannot be jaded by time or place and even displaced by another envy. With an even greater conviction, I know I have to accept that I cannot be all that I want to be. That there is a limit to what I can do but I still have to be thankful for what I have. Maybe its not as much as what others have but I put my faith completely in God that what He has given me are the best things for me.
If He has given His son because of His love for men, what more are our earthly needs?
It is but normal, I guess, for a person of my age to be ideal and to dream big. The youth and vitality in me gives me the liberty to look wide-eyed at the opportunities presented to me by the world and to embrace them fully. Just like a typical spoiled-brat, figuratively speaking, I indulge myself with the thought of achieving all that I dream of in my life. And not the least of these things is my plan to be a powerful figure in the field of developmental politics. What I mean by that is to be a respected and sought after analyst and maybe consultant in matters that concern poverty alleviation, maybe even foreign policies and its implication and maybe even policy development in various fields such as health, environment, education or population.
In spite of my drive and enthusiasm to be who I want to be, its funny that I get nauseous whenever I think of the choices of my career path. There’s no question that in those choices lie who and what I will be in the future, what I cannot accept but I do know I eventually have to, is that I have to choose between all the these choices. And thinking that I cannot be all of these persons at the same time depresses me a bit. Haha, I know most of you would say. Girl, you are not a superwoman. I know that. But I have this nagging feeling that if think vividly and think hard, I would be someday. We’ll so far I haven’t been able to achieve much because my current disposition only succeeds in adding to my stress.
I am not a super woman. But I try to be. I look at other people, especially my colleagues, and I see them successful in their endeavors. It’s not that I have been mostly failure, but I guess I’ve mediocre for most of the time. My three years stay in a debate organization boosted my confidence yes, but I’m sad not to have been able to give back to the society. Every time I hear a colleague of mine has succeeded, I cannot help but compare myself and ask what can I not do that he or she can? Motivation sourced from envy? Clearly so.
Moral of the story: envy is not a good source of motivation only if it is the only source. It has to be sustained by a higher cause, a purpose that cannot be jaded by time or place and even displaced by another envy. With an even greater conviction, I know I have to accept that I cannot be all that I want to be. That there is a limit to what I can do but I still have to be thankful for what I have. Maybe its not as much as what others have but I put my faith completely in God that what He has given me are the best things for me.
If He has given His son because of His love for men, what more are our earthly needs?
Preposterous behaviour
I have been dismayed at the behavior of some of our legislators during the free-for-all debate in Congress for the canvassing of votes by both the upper and lower chamber of the house. I was speechless, to say the least, over the raucous behavior of a single representative - although annoyed with the others who tried to defend him in his request to incarcerate a guest in the gallery - who threw fits because of some disdainful note. What unfolded in my eyes as I watch silently in front of the television was a scene that I know most, if not all, of you would agree to be an act which disgraces a most esteemed position in the land.
Let’s suppose that the action of the lady guest in giving the letter was really uncalled for and that she manifested downright disregard and disrespect towards the representative and the whole parliamentary process. This being the case despite the fact that what she did was an expression of exasperation over the unending litany of the representative over matters that are not yet supposed to be discussed on the floor. It may be the case that the lady was clearly out of order and has been gravely rude to the representative, but to start a commotion that would lead to the suspension and adjournment of a proceeding that is of national importance over something that is, in my opinion, a matter of personal interest, is to act in the most selfish and insolent way. Moreover, to get back to the lady in the gallery in a situation where in the representative has an upper hand because he has the power to command for her incarceration, which is by the way, too harsh for a punishment for such an action, is to take advantage of his position as an official of the government. To call for such a punishment is to commit travesty to the people whom he serves (even if the lady is not within his jurisdiction) in the very halls of the country where in democracy and the people’s will and welfare should be heard and deliberated.
By far, the representative’s reaction to the defense of other congressmen on the exercise of the “freedom of expression” of the guest was the DUMBEST interpretation of the term I have ever encountered so far. I expect so much from a person who has earned the trust of his people enough to put him to office. And its not much to expect from somebody to understand the term in its varied meaning especially from somebody who finished law from an esteemed institution. And what the representative did was to grandstand for something that is clearly out of order. To shout at the speaker of the house and to everybody else to keep them from making a parliamentary manifestation whatsoever is the gravest abuse of freedom of expression.
With all due respect to the representative, the supposed contempt of the lady in the gallery is not without any reason and thus such tiff can be settled in other and more appropriate venue where in justice can be served to whom it is due. The ire of the lady was directed to the representative because of hugging the floor and insisting on proceeding with the process his way. In as much as the representative insists on upholding the rules regarding proper decorum, he should have thought that it was him who has committed the first act of transgressing the rules.
Well yes, there are media men ready to air the lady’s dismay but what better way to get the message across than to direct it to the party concerned. I am one with Mrs. Pido for standing for what she believed is her right and exercising that. Its about time that these congressmen realize that their stature is something they owe to the people and thus they should be mindful of using it for the welfare of the people and not to elevate their overbearing egos.
Let’s suppose that the action of the lady guest in giving the letter was really uncalled for and that she manifested downright disregard and disrespect towards the representative and the whole parliamentary process. This being the case despite the fact that what she did was an expression of exasperation over the unending litany of the representative over matters that are not yet supposed to be discussed on the floor. It may be the case that the lady was clearly out of order and has been gravely rude to the representative, but to start a commotion that would lead to the suspension and adjournment of a proceeding that is of national importance over something that is, in my opinion, a matter of personal interest, is to act in the most selfish and insolent way. Moreover, to get back to the lady in the gallery in a situation where in the representative has an upper hand because he has the power to command for her incarceration, which is by the way, too harsh for a punishment for such an action, is to take advantage of his position as an official of the government. To call for such a punishment is to commit travesty to the people whom he serves (even if the lady is not within his jurisdiction) in the very halls of the country where in democracy and the people’s will and welfare should be heard and deliberated.
By far, the representative’s reaction to the defense of other congressmen on the exercise of the “freedom of expression” of the guest was the DUMBEST interpretation of the term I have ever encountered so far. I expect so much from a person who has earned the trust of his people enough to put him to office. And its not much to expect from somebody to understand the term in its varied meaning especially from somebody who finished law from an esteemed institution. And what the representative did was to grandstand for something that is clearly out of order. To shout at the speaker of the house and to everybody else to keep them from making a parliamentary manifestation whatsoever is the gravest abuse of freedom of expression.
With all due respect to the representative, the supposed contempt of the lady in the gallery is not without any reason and thus such tiff can be settled in other and more appropriate venue where in justice can be served to whom it is due. The ire of the lady was directed to the representative because of hugging the floor and insisting on proceeding with the process his way. In as much as the representative insists on upholding the rules regarding proper decorum, he should have thought that it was him who has committed the first act of transgressing the rules.
Well yes, there are media men ready to air the lady’s dismay but what better way to get the message across than to direct it to the party concerned. I am one with Mrs. Pido for standing for what she believed is her right and exercising that. Its about time that these congressmen realize that their stature is something they owe to the people and thus they should be mindful of using it for the welfare of the people and not to elevate their overbearing egos.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Thoughts of a hopeful and a pessimist
Thoughts of a hopeful and a pessimist
The debate we are now witnessing in the House of Representatives over the procedures on canvassing the votes would give us a clear idea of how our legislative department have degenerated to levels that cannot be considered as healthy manifestation of a working democracy. Here in our office, we have been diligently listening to the row of opposition and administration legislators over a single section in the rules of canvassing the votes. Pardon me for my haughtiness, but even a rookie debater in any debate circle would understand that the supposed objection of the opposition legislators are nothing but mere ploy to delay the process of canvassing or the proclamation of winning candidates. I may not know much about the law or even the rules in the House of Representative and the Senate but any straight minded person would observe that the debates conducted by the legislators are nothing but hot air and that the discussion are going round in circles.
The contention that the rules or procedures for canvassing are not really mandated by the law and is therefore flexible for any revisions is not good enough an excuse not to adopt it anyway. The reason that the rules have merely become a tradition and a practice and hence can be modified to suit the needs of the current circumstances does not pass as an acceptable justification because even practices and tradition have reasons for their existence. To be able to change tradition, the justification would have to weigh greater than what has held that tradition for a long time otherwise seeing tradition as merely founded on illogical beliefs would be an irreverence to the intelligence of the makers of the tradition or whatever it is they are opposing.
There are so many questions why the first ever democracy in the South East Asian region have become a farce. It would add insult to the injury by saying that farce are better than our situation because at least there is something to laugh about in farce but the situation we are in does not deserve funny remark. If at all, it’s a scene that most of us would usually despise because of the moronic portrayal of Philippine politics. Even protagonists earn the disdain of the audience when he or she refuses to fight back to the cruelties of his or her antagonists, as if too dumb to think that his or her dignity has been crushed to the ground. Our politicians have made fun of themselves in as much as they have played with the system of government with their petty politicking and penchant to organize factions that aggravate disunity in the government. It is infuriating to see how the elected politicians, hoping that they would somehow work for the benefit of their constituents who sent them to their post, are the main perpetrators of fraud and deceit that impoverishes the majority of the people.
All the more reason for disillusion is the thought that the government they are playing with today is what we will inherit in the future. So some of you may ask, what it is that you might do to be able to contribute to the betterment of the situation? I say a little. Why is that? Because to be able to play good, one has to play by the rules. But these very rules are subject to the discretion, whims and moods of the ones in position. And these same rules can be modified according to their convenience and depending on the discomfort of others. Before the time I can be able to contribute, I must fight the might of the charlatan, overcome the legal obstacles they’ve set-up, survive the bureaucratic booby traps of their own system and still stand clean and dignified for the final match.
One may say that this is another one of those pessimistic observer who have reached her limit of absorbing the “bads” of this country, another one of those youth who never came to accept the harsh realities of life, who become too attached to her ideals. Maybe I am in part, there is no denying that especially with the tone I have written my essay. But unlike those who have resigned to accept that this is the way it will be for our country, I believe that I still have a flicker of hope within me, if not an ounce.
I am a witness to the small yet recognizable glory that my fellow countrymen give to this country. I thank God for every little advances and developments in the economy no matter how trivial. My hopes are lifted whenever every fellow student or graduate achieves great distinction outside the country. For much of the rantings and cynicism, Filipinos have become renowned not only because of their funny government and not-so-exemplary politicians but also because despite the entire catastrophe that has befallen on them, be it man-made or nature caused, they still managed to make a dent in the greater world and make their presence felt in every way other than being the fastest developing country or the most progressive one.
I don’t know if I’ll see the day when our country will once again stand tall and proud because we Filipinos have surpassed difficult and seemingly hopeless moments in our country’s history, but until we do, I’ll just be here, hoping and praying for better times.
The debate we are now witnessing in the House of Representatives over the procedures on canvassing the votes would give us a clear idea of how our legislative department have degenerated to levels that cannot be considered as healthy manifestation of a working democracy. Here in our office, we have been diligently listening to the row of opposition and administration legislators over a single section in the rules of canvassing the votes. Pardon me for my haughtiness, but even a rookie debater in any debate circle would understand that the supposed objection of the opposition legislators are nothing but mere ploy to delay the process of canvassing or the proclamation of winning candidates. I may not know much about the law or even the rules in the House of Representative and the Senate but any straight minded person would observe that the debates conducted by the legislators are nothing but hot air and that the discussion are going round in circles.
The contention that the rules or procedures for canvassing are not really mandated by the law and is therefore flexible for any revisions is not good enough an excuse not to adopt it anyway. The reason that the rules have merely become a tradition and a practice and hence can be modified to suit the needs of the current circumstances does not pass as an acceptable justification because even practices and tradition have reasons for their existence. To be able to change tradition, the justification would have to weigh greater than what has held that tradition for a long time otherwise seeing tradition as merely founded on illogical beliefs would be an irreverence to the intelligence of the makers of the tradition or whatever it is they are opposing.
There are so many questions why the first ever democracy in the South East Asian region have become a farce. It would add insult to the injury by saying that farce are better than our situation because at least there is something to laugh about in farce but the situation we are in does not deserve funny remark. If at all, it’s a scene that most of us would usually despise because of the moronic portrayal of Philippine politics. Even protagonists earn the disdain of the audience when he or she refuses to fight back to the cruelties of his or her antagonists, as if too dumb to think that his or her dignity has been crushed to the ground. Our politicians have made fun of themselves in as much as they have played with the system of government with their petty politicking and penchant to organize factions that aggravate disunity in the government. It is infuriating to see how the elected politicians, hoping that they would somehow work for the benefit of their constituents who sent them to their post, are the main perpetrators of fraud and deceit that impoverishes the majority of the people.
All the more reason for disillusion is the thought that the government they are playing with today is what we will inherit in the future. So some of you may ask, what it is that you might do to be able to contribute to the betterment of the situation? I say a little. Why is that? Because to be able to play good, one has to play by the rules. But these very rules are subject to the discretion, whims and moods of the ones in position. And these same rules can be modified according to their convenience and depending on the discomfort of others. Before the time I can be able to contribute, I must fight the might of the charlatan, overcome the legal obstacles they’ve set-up, survive the bureaucratic booby traps of their own system and still stand clean and dignified for the final match.
One may say that this is another one of those pessimistic observer who have reached her limit of absorbing the “bads” of this country, another one of those youth who never came to accept the harsh realities of life, who become too attached to her ideals. Maybe I am in part, there is no denying that especially with the tone I have written my essay. But unlike those who have resigned to accept that this is the way it will be for our country, I believe that I still have a flicker of hope within me, if not an ounce.
I am a witness to the small yet recognizable glory that my fellow countrymen give to this country. I thank God for every little advances and developments in the economy no matter how trivial. My hopes are lifted whenever every fellow student or graduate achieves great distinction outside the country. For much of the rantings and cynicism, Filipinos have become renowned not only because of their funny government and not-so-exemplary politicians but also because despite the entire catastrophe that has befallen on them, be it man-made or nature caused, they still managed to make a dent in the greater world and make their presence felt in every way other than being the fastest developing country or the most progressive one.
I don’t know if I’ll see the day when our country will once again stand tall and proud because we Filipinos have surpassed difficult and seemingly hopeless moments in our country’s history, but until we do, I’ll just be here, hoping and praying for better times.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Depressions
I have lived another day of my life with another grueling bout of depression. As always, i have to contend with everything that’s lacking in my family and me: the necessities i cannot provide for them, the luxuries they thought they would be able to enjoy when i start working, and the stuff I almost sinfully lavished myself with, even until now, that i cannot give them. I have been plagued and battered by my fears: fears of not being able to provide them the means to get their ticket to freedom (graduation); fears of sickness, of death, of harm, of misfortune, of pains, of suffering. Every little thing there is to fear has feasted on my spiritual and emotional weakness. That tiny hole that allowed streams of panic take over me, has been opened to create a chasm that leaves a great space in my heart for wandering. I know I had to save myself from being taken over by all of this, lest I accept the consequences of paranoia.
Even I have grown tired of listening to my old rantings and frustrations. I am slowly starting to think that nobody is now willing to listen because i myself refuse to hear the heavy rumblings of my soul. I need a rescuer..God help me. I beg thee.
Even I have grown tired of listening to my old rantings and frustrations. I am slowly starting to think that nobody is now willing to listen because i myself refuse to hear the heavy rumblings of my soul. I need a rescuer..God help me. I beg thee.
Friday, May 07, 2004
The path of my career
the path of my career..
its been a not-so-productive day today. Its not because i spent most of my time in office chatting (on the net) with a close friend, not because i surf the net for prospective internship and full-time job applications abroad concerned more with international developments and events, but sadly because i did not really focus on what i wanted to do, and that is to read up on my next article. i've been down lately and depressed lately, first because i miss my mom; second because i have been discontented with my present job, third; because of anxieties caused by my uncertain future; fourth because disappointments with the way im performing with my job..And the list goes on. it seems as if they wont let me be..or maybe i just dont want them to leave me..ITs weird that the comfort or discomfort of their company has already been familiar to me..i feel almost lost without them bugging me..but then again, i want to keep them away from me..but i keep on attracting them back for some habitual reasons..
I have always wanted to write something profound and telling. Something that would make me ask, "did i write this one? am i not good or what?", when i get to read it again. I must admit im just looking for something to lift me from pitying myself. I have always dreamed that i would wake up one day and look back at today seeing ive been successful in overcoming this phase in my life. ive read from one story that problems are like dirt being thrown at you by life, seems as if you're being buried alive. To keep being buried alive, one must shake the dirt off and step -up. its been taking me an awfully hard time to shake it and step up. But i know im getting there.You know what they always say, when you're down, rock bottom, there's no other way for you but up.hahhaha.
Im sure that so many others are going through the same ordeal as I am going through right now, and im sure that most of them are also about to give up. But the good thing, as ive already stated here, help comes at the later part of the story. We often complain how cops or police always arrive at the end of crime or accident or anything big in a movie, no wonder it never changes, its got the real life as its basis. Im one of those willing and i know, able to hang-on until help comes...as sophia once wrote, i might not be where i am right now, maybe even far from where i want to be but i might as well party till i get there..coz most of the time, its not the destination that matters, its the journey (yep, as they always say!bow!).
And so tomorrow is another day for me...challenges, there will be many..especially now that my dad is about to come home..ill be having hard time trying to go out on parties and social events in my circle of friends, but i just pray, really i do..i may be able to handle it well especially with the glas-sensitiveness of my dad right now..
its been a not-so-productive day today. Its not because i spent most of my time in office chatting (on the net) with a close friend, not because i surf the net for prospective internship and full-time job applications abroad concerned more with international developments and events, but sadly because i did not really focus on what i wanted to do, and that is to read up on my next article. i've been down lately and depressed lately, first because i miss my mom; second because i have been discontented with my present job, third; because of anxieties caused by my uncertain future; fourth because disappointments with the way im performing with my job..And the list goes on. it seems as if they wont let me be..or maybe i just dont want them to leave me..ITs weird that the comfort or discomfort of their company has already been familiar to me..i feel almost lost without them bugging me..but then again, i want to keep them away from me..but i keep on attracting them back for some habitual reasons..
I have always wanted to write something profound and telling. Something that would make me ask, "did i write this one? am i not good or what?", when i get to read it again. I must admit im just looking for something to lift me from pitying myself. I have always dreamed that i would wake up one day and look back at today seeing ive been successful in overcoming this phase in my life. ive read from one story that problems are like dirt being thrown at you by life, seems as if you're being buried alive. To keep being buried alive, one must shake the dirt off and step -up. its been taking me an awfully hard time to shake it and step up. But i know im getting there.You know what they always say, when you're down, rock bottom, there's no other way for you but up.hahhaha.
Im sure that so many others are going through the same ordeal as I am going through right now, and im sure that most of them are also about to give up. But the good thing, as ive already stated here, help comes at the later part of the story. We often complain how cops or police always arrive at the end of crime or accident or anything big in a movie, no wonder it never changes, its got the real life as its basis. Im one of those willing and i know, able to hang-on until help comes...as sophia once wrote, i might not be where i am right now, maybe even far from where i want to be but i might as well party till i get there..coz most of the time, its not the destination that matters, its the journey (yep, as they always say!bow!).
And so tomorrow is another day for me...challenges, there will be many..especially now that my dad is about to come home..ill be having hard time trying to go out on parties and social events in my circle of friends, but i just pray, really i do..i may be able to handle it well especially with the glas-sensitiveness of my dad right now..
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Brotherly love
more than the wonderful feeling of loving, the tremendous pain that comes with it, the fleeting moments with just a glimpse of him or her, the blushes and gushes, the sleepless nights, the anxieties..its the unpredictable, unimaginable, crazy, peculiar and yes, the ironic things we do for love - even without us knowing it - that simple makes it an amazing idea. Love can get away with doing almost anything even the things that we think are not characteristic of it....
i really thought differently of how i treat my brother next to me..i thought ive lost all the love i have for him..i thought ive become apathetic to him..but thank you God for letting me realize that i havent and that i love him still and that i should love him more..
i really thought differently of how i treat my brother next to me..i thought ive lost all the love i have for him..i thought ive become apathetic to him..but thank you God for letting me realize that i havent and that i love him still and that i should love him more..
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Standing by...
And so we come to a point in our lives when we get stuck in a situation and we feel as if there is nothing that could get us out of there. When we feel our faith is running out because there just seems to be nothing to hold on to. And when all the preaching cannot silence the questions running in our minds because we simply got nowhere to turn to, the tendency is to take pity on ourselves or simply loose hope that something good will ever come our way.
The good thing is we never totally succumb to that feeling of defeat and hopelessness. More often than not, help and providence comes when we are just about to let go, when our strength cannot support the weight on our shoulders. At least that’s how I see it. Because even if the assistance I need usually comes at the latter part of my difficulty, sparing me not from the travails, and yes, adventures of somebody in need, help still does come my way. And that is why, I’m thankful that I have my faith. Because it has sustained me all the time I was distressed and depressed and disillusioned by the harsh and revolting realities of life, my life. I don’t really know how to effectively tell others why they should trust, have faith and believe in an entity called the Divine Power. But i must say, for something almost unfathomable by human reason and intellect, it really can deliver what we sincerely ask from Him. Despite hundreds of testimonies as to the “truth” of such an entity, and even swearing under oath for the veracity of my own account, it is still sad to know that these are not enough to convince others to start practicing their faith and believe that GOD has something good in store for them. But if these are not enough, what would it take so that others might experience that joy of loving God and knowing simply that He has loved us without reasons, conditions and second thoughts?
There are still many things i need to know about my faith but its mysteries continue to lure me into believing that there is something more than what this world can offer if i continue on believing. The doctrines that back my faith are surely not enough to explain everything i believe in. The question of why the son of God has to die in order to save humankind would not let me be, although it does not bother me to think that way. What I console myself with, and how I understand His death and sacrifice, I take in simple discernment: If God was able to give up his only begotten Son for my salvation, what more my trivial necessities in this world?
The good thing is we never totally succumb to that feeling of defeat and hopelessness. More often than not, help and providence comes when we are just about to let go, when our strength cannot support the weight on our shoulders. At least that’s how I see it. Because even if the assistance I need usually comes at the latter part of my difficulty, sparing me not from the travails, and yes, adventures of somebody in need, help still does come my way. And that is why, I’m thankful that I have my faith. Because it has sustained me all the time I was distressed and depressed and disillusioned by the harsh and revolting realities of life, my life. I don’t really know how to effectively tell others why they should trust, have faith and believe in an entity called the Divine Power. But i must say, for something almost unfathomable by human reason and intellect, it really can deliver what we sincerely ask from Him. Despite hundreds of testimonies as to the “truth” of such an entity, and even swearing under oath for the veracity of my own account, it is still sad to know that these are not enough to convince others to start practicing their faith and believe that GOD has something good in store for them. But if these are not enough, what would it take so that others might experience that joy of loving God and knowing simply that He has loved us without reasons, conditions and second thoughts?
There are still many things i need to know about my faith but its mysteries continue to lure me into believing that there is something more than what this world can offer if i continue on believing. The doctrines that back my faith are surely not enough to explain everything i believe in. The question of why the son of God has to die in order to save humankind would not let me be, although it does not bother me to think that way. What I console myself with, and how I understand His death and sacrifice, I take in simple discernment: If God was able to give up his only begotten Son for my salvation, what more my trivial necessities in this world?
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
here we go
here i go for my first entry for the month of march..its the middle of the month and incidentally its the wedding anniversary of my mom and dad. its good that some of our relatives are here to keep my dad company coz i honestly don't feel well about myself, physically and mentally, and emotionally. I've been tired coming from the office...who wouldn't? Its a long way from the office and i have to take commuters' ride before i could get home, not to mention the stress the rush hour gives.
i was off early today..haven't done much and i feel that i i wasn't motivated add to that the fact that the big boss ranted about things that has gone awry partly because he was so busy with his other commitments..I want to cry..really cry my heart out. I miss my mom. I can't understand why its only now that im going through these emotions. Im working hard not to plunge into depression because the last thing i can afford to do. Im afraid to confide to somebody coz they might just dismiss me and talk me out of it. Of course as friends and confidant, its one of the things they should do in order to help the person..give advices and stuff but in my case, i want somebody who'll listen , just listen. Somebody who could be strong for me when its my time to be weak. Havent cried for so long and i dont know if its an achievement or its an indirect way of committing suicide. coz i just figured that crying is my outlet, my exhaust, my way of coping.
now im confused and i dont really have an idea of what to do. what i want, where to go. Ive got lots of friends but in times like these, i dont know if they are willing to listen to me.having been seen as the strong one, i dont know if they will accept me in this state..
another working day tomorrow..have to sleep and rest..havent been able to sleep well because of the stress..
i need to have a hot oil and trim..
i was off early today..haven't done much and i feel that i i wasn't motivated add to that the fact that the big boss ranted about things that has gone awry partly because he was so busy with his other commitments..I want to cry..really cry my heart out. I miss my mom. I can't understand why its only now that im going through these emotions. Im working hard not to plunge into depression because the last thing i can afford to do. Im afraid to confide to somebody coz they might just dismiss me and talk me out of it. Of course as friends and confidant, its one of the things they should do in order to help the person..give advices and stuff but in my case, i want somebody who'll listen , just listen. Somebody who could be strong for me when its my time to be weak. Havent cried for so long and i dont know if its an achievement or its an indirect way of committing suicide. coz i just figured that crying is my outlet, my exhaust, my way of coping.
now im confused and i dont really have an idea of what to do. what i want, where to go. Ive got lots of friends but in times like these, i dont know if they are willing to listen to me.having been seen as the strong one, i dont know if they will accept me in this state..
another working day tomorrow..have to sleep and rest..havent been able to sleep well because of the stress..
i need to have a hot oil and trim..
Friday, February 20, 2004
GAiLALU
Another week is about to be over..Another week of work, of random thoughts, mood swings and dreaming. Its amazing how, when i look back, it seems as if christmas just happened yesterday...people were sooo generous, embracing wholeheartedly the spirit of Christmas..and then the next thing i knew, valentines has passed. I've been trying to juggle and balance so many thoughts in mind. I've been reminiscing my college days and the times when i feel i could have done something better or when i should have exerted more effort so that i could gain a little more.
I remember when my mom was still alive, when i would share the things that happened to me at school. I would share to her even the littlest and insignificant detail that happened to me that day, trying to make it sound as if it was a big thing just to make her laugh, just to see her smile despite the pain. I remember when i would tell her how tired I am, how far i want to go with my life, my dreams and what i want to achieve. I used to tell her before that i would take her to the other side of the world, that she would have her breakfast in HOngkong, Lunch in the US and dinner in Paris. Those were my grand dreams for her when she still was feeling ok.
When I knew she would be confined in bed for some time, my dreams for diminished to being able to walk with her in the mall or in the park, taking her to her favorite food place...watch movies with her...
When she started screaming because the pain has already grown strong beyond her control, all i dreamed and prayed for was for her to have a good night's sleep. I miss my mom...I miss her soooo much..Whenever i would see a mother and her daughter/s in the mall, whether shopping for school stuff, for dress, for home furnishings and simply taking a stroll, i would feel envious because those moments were very rare even when my mom was healthy because she had to work soo hard for us. I just wish that she was given more time to enjoy the fruits of her sacrifice. I wish i had been able to give her what i enjoyed when i was still dependent on her. I wish...
I remember when my mom was still alive, when i would share the things that happened to me at school. I would share to her even the littlest and insignificant detail that happened to me that day, trying to make it sound as if it was a big thing just to make her laugh, just to see her smile despite the pain. I remember when i would tell her how tired I am, how far i want to go with my life, my dreams and what i want to achieve. I used to tell her before that i would take her to the other side of the world, that she would have her breakfast in HOngkong, Lunch in the US and dinner in Paris. Those were my grand dreams for her when she still was feeling ok.
When I knew she would be confined in bed for some time, my dreams for diminished to being able to walk with her in the mall or in the park, taking her to her favorite food place...watch movies with her...
When she started screaming because the pain has already grown strong beyond her control, all i dreamed and prayed for was for her to have a good night's sleep. I miss my mom...I miss her soooo much..Whenever i would see a mother and her daughter/s in the mall, whether shopping for school stuff, for dress, for home furnishings and simply taking a stroll, i would feel envious because those moments were very rare even when my mom was healthy because she had to work soo hard for us. I just wish that she was given more time to enjoy the fruits of her sacrifice. I wish i had been able to give her what i enjoyed when i was still dependent on her. I wish...
Friday, February 06, 2004
basket of thoughts
Its friday again and here I am filling the blog which i earlier promised to faithfully fill everyday, having skipped 3 straights days of unloading the baggages i got after 3 tiring days. I have been thinking of so many things and there are a lot of questions going in my mind, as well as realizations from the events that happened especially during the championship of the debate tournament. I could just pick one tonight and discuss more about it so that i could at least unload one, the only problem being, i dont know which one to pick.
i have this bugging question within me, one that ive had since we watched michael buble. this sort of intensifies my quest to live up to my dreams and keep them on track but somehow also gets me back into thinking whether i can be what i wanted to be. im kinda short on thoughts right now, my ideas have sinked into the back of my mind..i still have to unearth and process them..
i have this bugging question within me, one that ive had since we watched michael buble. this sort of intensifies my quest to live up to my dreams and keep them on track but somehow also gets me back into thinking whether i can be what i wanted to be. im kinda short on thoughts right now, my ideas have sinked into the back of my mind..i still have to unearth and process them..
Monday, February 02, 2004
A little short of the goal
I was quite frustrated with how my day started. I set my alarm clock at 6am. But lo and behold! I should have known that my body wouldn’t cooperate with me. As usual, I woke up when I heard the my cellphone alarm but I just turned it off and set it again to alarm at 6:30 but I was never able to wake up again until 7:30. IM frustrated..really..I cant seem to lift myself from bed when I wake up. And from there follows the not-so-good-things. I was late by 15 mins..and I hate that. Coz I already negotiated with myself that I would be late for the month of February. But so as not to piss myself off and ruin my entire day and week, I decided to give myself a break and accept that I am a human being that needs time before I can perfect a habit.
IN the course of the day, I started to feel lethargic and what I really hated about it is that I can’t seem to focus on what im reading and doing coz im soooooooo sleepy. Darn…add to that the fact that im unmotivated. I know, I know that motivation should first and foremost come from within but since I cant find it within me, I cant help but look for it externally but sad to say, it cannot be found outside either. So, it started…At the end of my working day. Im already a grouch.
What ruined my day more, was that I cant believe I wasn’t able to get a copy of a bill that has been in the conference committee for almost 3 mos now. I cant believe that I totally forgot to get a copy…I am now confused as to how im going to arrange and update all the bills we have here. Coz it’s the first week of the month and I need to update our files…ahhhhh…the work is getting on me….
So I am now thinking of something good that actually happened….think..think…think….darn.. my head is not working..maybe ill just put it tomorrow, but I better write it down so I wont forget..
Lesson for the day: I need to get up early to start my day right..i cant be late again and repeat this day… I cant.. I need to work tomorrow..
Actually this is not just a little short of my perfect day..it’s a far cry..
IN the course of the day, I started to feel lethargic and what I really hated about it is that I can’t seem to focus on what im reading and doing coz im soooooooo sleepy. Darn…add to that the fact that im unmotivated. I know, I know that motivation should first and foremost come from within but since I cant find it within me, I cant help but look for it externally but sad to say, it cannot be found outside either. So, it started…At the end of my working day. Im already a grouch.
What ruined my day more, was that I cant believe I wasn’t able to get a copy of a bill that has been in the conference committee for almost 3 mos now. I cant believe that I totally forgot to get a copy…I am now confused as to how im going to arrange and update all the bills we have here. Coz it’s the first week of the month and I need to update our files…ahhhhh…the work is getting on me….
So I am now thinking of something good that actually happened….think..think…think….darn.. my head is not working..maybe ill just put it tomorrow, but I better write it down so I wont forget..
Lesson for the day: I need to get up early to start my day right..i cant be late again and repeat this day… I cant.. I need to work tomorrow..
Actually this is not just a little short of my perfect day..it’s a far cry..
Sunday, February 01, 2004
a new blog for a new start
finally, im able to create a new blog! ive been wanting to do this for some time now because i want to form a habit of filling my blog as often as i can, and i plan to do it daily. good luck to me.
anyways, i was able to watch for the first time, the series "young americans" (i cant remember if it comes with an 's'). i must say, i was moved by the story and how the actors fit the roles they play. I personnaly like Hamilton, the son of the dean and teacher, whom i cannot remember the names. He's soooo cute and even the story between him and the supposed "jake". what i cant quite understand is why 'jake' has to pretend he's a guy. im sure there's a story behind it...maybe she/he wants to be close to Hamilton or maybe she/he wants to study in a private school...i hope there's a deeper reason behind coz the reasons i stated are really shallow ones and there kinda common.
i like how will tells his story. how he speaks from his mind. i like the thoughts that he contemplates on because most are the same thoughts i have. i like the setting and place of the series. i like how the characters act and take on their roles. it feels so close to my heart watching them and understanding every story that unfolds as i sit there waiting for our laundry woman to finish her set of dirty clothes to wash. the series, the stories and the people made me think of how i really wanted to live my life. I know that part of me is saying that the lives they live is the kind of life i want for me..its not perfect but there's freedom there. there's the opportunity to discover one's self and grow and be who you want to be.
i know that a factor why i like the story and the series is because it has brought to life my desires, which i cannot tell at least completely, boldly and vividly to others, even to my closest friends. but i know that there's a way for me to achieve what i have long desired and dreamed.
so much for a good start...im off to my bed now coz i dont want to be late for tomorrow's work. one thing in starting new and fresh is that it gives me hope to really be diligent and faithful in what i want to do. so ill be working for a no-late week..and then month and then two months and then three months.....
ive got so many things going in my head..mind..and im determined to write them all down here..
anyways, i was able to watch for the first time, the series "young americans" (i cant remember if it comes with an 's'). i must say, i was moved by the story and how the actors fit the roles they play. I personnaly like Hamilton, the son of the dean and teacher, whom i cannot remember the names. He's soooo cute and even the story between him and the supposed "jake". what i cant quite understand is why 'jake' has to pretend he's a guy. im sure there's a story behind it...maybe she/he wants to be close to Hamilton or maybe she/he wants to study in a private school...i hope there's a deeper reason behind coz the reasons i stated are really shallow ones and there kinda common.
i like how will tells his story. how he speaks from his mind. i like the thoughts that he contemplates on because most are the same thoughts i have. i like the setting and place of the series. i like how the characters act and take on their roles. it feels so close to my heart watching them and understanding every story that unfolds as i sit there waiting for our laundry woman to finish her set of dirty clothes to wash. the series, the stories and the people made me think of how i really wanted to live my life. I know that part of me is saying that the lives they live is the kind of life i want for me..its not perfect but there's freedom there. there's the opportunity to discover one's self and grow and be who you want to be.
i know that a factor why i like the story and the series is because it has brought to life my desires, which i cannot tell at least completely, boldly and vividly to others, even to my closest friends. but i know that there's a way for me to achieve what i have long desired and dreamed.
so much for a good start...im off to my bed now coz i dont want to be late for tomorrow's work. one thing in starting new and fresh is that it gives me hope to really be diligent and faithful in what i want to do. so ill be working for a no-late week..and then month and then two months and then three months.....
ive got so many things going in my head..mind..and im determined to write them all down here..
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