I have lived another day of my life with another grueling bout of depression. As always, i have to contend with everything that’s lacking in my family and me: the necessities i cannot provide for them, the luxuries they thought they would be able to enjoy when i start working, and the stuff I almost sinfully lavished myself with, even until now, that i cannot give them. I have been plagued and battered by my fears: fears of not being able to provide them the means to get their ticket to freedom (graduation); fears of sickness, of death, of harm, of misfortune, of pains, of suffering. Every little thing there is to fear has feasted on my spiritual and emotional weakness. That tiny hole that allowed streams of panic take over me, has been opened to create a chasm that leaves a great space in my heart for wandering. I know I had to save myself from being taken over by all of this, lest I accept the consequences of paranoia.
Even I have grown tired of listening to my old rantings and frustrations. I am slowly starting to think that nobody is now willing to listen because i myself refuse to hear the heavy rumblings of my soul. I need a rescuer..God help me. I beg thee.
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