My sister is about to give birth on the first week on November. MY dad has been complaining of on and off pains in his chest area. I haven't seen my brother Mark for like 3 weeks now and haven't even had a decent conversation with him for quite sometime now. It's enrolment time again and I'm not sure how much I need to give to my brother for his last enrolment. These are the things that pre-occupy my mind today, among other things. I'd like to think that I am a very balanced person and that I can take care of others' needs in as much as I take care of mine. But this time, there has just been too many things going on in someone else's life apart from mine.
I worry over these things and I guess its but natural because these things concern people I care about. I hope that I can do more.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I want to write
I want to write about life so that when I do not have the time to go and rummage through the memories in boxes or even cabinets, I can just simply click on the internet and reconnect to my past with the words I've written down sometime in my life. In my capacity now, words do not justify the life I have. I cannot just as yet find the right words to express the things and events in my life and just how wonderfully amazing and sometimes depressing it has been.
There's a part in me that is determined to document all of these because somehow deep within me there are things that I may not be able to share with someone. Its true now for me than at any other time in my life when they say that there are a lot of things going on in a woman's mind that no one will ever find out, whether its her choice or because no one dared to ask or search it. Perhaps its part of the enigma of life, why certain things are left unknown even when its within someone's reach, how something confronting us is still left unseen. Somehow there is hope in me that tells me, someday, someone out there in this great, big world, will see through me and understand my yearnings, my thoughts, and why I have them. He may not share it, but knows it and because of it, he is never the same again. It's probably too much to ask, but its a dream. It's a dream that I do not know how to fulfill because whereas I can probably find a way to climb mountains and do the impossible, I cannot beg, and will not beg for someone to love me.
Moving on, I've written down somewhere, in a couple of pages and spaces, the things I want to write about and I still have a few left in my mind. I've never come to write anything complete. It takes quite a while for me to express myself in the most appropriate ways. It's a good thing that only very few knows this space. I have the liberty to write just about anything, even things that I am ashamed to admit to myself out loud. This page has sort of become my refuge, especially when I am in denial. I look back and read again the things I've written down and the stories, the thoughts, the words, take me back to memory lane. Surprise to say when I read some of the entries, I can feel how I felt a long time ago, even the emptiness, even the sadness. I am definitely not a good writer, but only for the reason that I can relive the feelings and memories, I'd say its a pretty good thing.
The inspiration to write again came from a newfound friend when I found his columns. He doesn't know that I did, but I found his writings, and I was impressed. Well, I was already impressed at him to begin with but more so, when I found out about his religious affiliation. I wish I could write like that. His random and yet very meaningful use of words takes me to what he sees and what he understands. I wish I could let people see the way I see the world.
I want to write. And I will.
There's a part in me that is determined to document all of these because somehow deep within me there are things that I may not be able to share with someone. Its true now for me than at any other time in my life when they say that there are a lot of things going on in a woman's mind that no one will ever find out, whether its her choice or because no one dared to ask or search it. Perhaps its part of the enigma of life, why certain things are left unknown even when its within someone's reach, how something confronting us is still left unseen. Somehow there is hope in me that tells me, someday, someone out there in this great, big world, will see through me and understand my yearnings, my thoughts, and why I have them. He may not share it, but knows it and because of it, he is never the same again. It's probably too much to ask, but its a dream. It's a dream that I do not know how to fulfill because whereas I can probably find a way to climb mountains and do the impossible, I cannot beg, and will not beg for someone to love me.
Moving on, I've written down somewhere, in a couple of pages and spaces, the things I want to write about and I still have a few left in my mind. I've never come to write anything complete. It takes quite a while for me to express myself in the most appropriate ways. It's a good thing that only very few knows this space. I have the liberty to write just about anything, even things that I am ashamed to admit to myself out loud. This page has sort of become my refuge, especially when I am in denial. I look back and read again the things I've written down and the stories, the thoughts, the words, take me back to memory lane. Surprise to say when I read some of the entries, I can feel how I felt a long time ago, even the emptiness, even the sadness. I am definitely not a good writer, but only for the reason that I can relive the feelings and memories, I'd say its a pretty good thing.
The inspiration to write again came from a newfound friend when I found his columns. He doesn't know that I did, but I found his writings, and I was impressed. Well, I was already impressed at him to begin with but more so, when I found out about his religious affiliation. I wish I could write like that. His random and yet very meaningful use of words takes me to what he sees and what he understands. I wish I could let people see the way I see the world.
I want to write. And I will.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
When this too shall pass is not enough
This too shall pass
I've liked that line since I was in college, round about the time when my Mom was hospitalized for appendicitis. Every time, something happens to my mom back then, I would run this line over and over again just to assure myself that I, we will not have to deal with whatever for long. And then it became a habit. I would summon the courage it gives whenever something difficult comes by - I try to live less when I'm in that situation and then hope that by the time I wake up, the worst is over. It has been like that for quite sometime and I coped because of that. I must say though that when the toughest times came, I was forced to abandon the momentary courage it gives and faced the monsters I was confronted with. It did me good. I am tougher now. It is still a puzzle for me though, how and where I got the strength to face the challenges in my life. I just remember that when they came, I would wake up one day with more courage to say, "Bring it on!", and then when it hits harder I'd tease it with, "Is this all that you can do?". No guessing is needed to say that life brings out the best and worst in us in very unusual ways. I'd say that, the toughest times brought out the best in me.
It is different for others though. My friend Rizza, with a sudden twist of fate, is now carrying a burden for her family. Her sister is still in the hospital, only God knows when she will wake up and her father needs to be operated on because of a heart condition and if that is not enough, she is the one running their business in place of her sister. For quite sometime now, I have not spoken with Cheng and I am not sure how she is holding up. The last news I have of her was that her sister is still unconscious and her father has been sent home from the hospital. I would sometimes think of how it feels to be in her place and I can't even go past the part where I would say to myself, this too shall pass because I know for a fact, based on experience that it's not appropriate. I tried to say to Cheng to pick herself up to stand and fight. Fight for her sanity, fight for her family, fight for her sister, and fight for their lives. No one would say, "ok lang yan", coz its not OKAI. It never will be. Having to suffer that kind of threat, even if you get past it, is not OKAI.
The thing is, it is not okay to simply say, this too shall pass because it is almost as if one is turning his or her back from what he or she is confronted with. While it is understandable that the ordeal or any ordeal of this scale for that matter is difficult, it is not an excuse to be passive about it. I've learned that experiences of this magnitude does not happen randomly or for no reason at all - unlike what I would fondly recall from one of my classes, when my professor would regard things that happen in international politics as a random act of randomness, or to put it simply, shit happens. There is a grand design in all of these - and this is me talking in a very conservative manner. No one knows what until the worst part is over. It has occurred to me at some point whether the things we get out of the experience could not be had through other means and I found the answer just now. Even if it there were other ways of learning what needs to be learned, the problem to be confronted next is if those were easier than the one that just happened.
Humans are equipped with an amazing capacity to survive, having done so for centuries. And to say this is not just to talk about physical survival but also emotional, pychological, mental, and even spiritual survival. I've always believed that there is a lesson to be learned with every experience, the more striking the experience, the more potent the lesson. To brush off life and what comes with it, with a simple "this too shall pass" is to forego of that gem that comes along with accomplishing the task. It's like SuperMario game (I'm this old and I'm this ignorant with computer and even online games that I don't have anything recent to use), every block you destroy is equivalent to some points the harder you knock off the block the higher the points. It takes a few, yes, a few of these bigger blocks to understand that this is life's game. This is how it unfolds. There is no and there shouldn't be any turning away or letting past of this opportunity. To let go of these moments would be to live life less.
Sometimes, I would close my eyes to relive the memory of the tough times. Now, I would count the moments when I would say I would never have it any other way. And for me, those times were the times when I stared at each challenge straight-faced in pain and boldly saying, bring it on.
You would know when a person got the most out of life when this is his or her outlook. But it takes so much to get to this point. I am fortunate to have gone through a lot to even be able to say this. I know that there is much more out there. And I am scared but I will have to face it anyway because no amount of preparation can equip me with the a solution for anything that might happen. I just know I have to face it first before I get to the part of solving it.
We need to experience saying this too shall pass but we will have to let it go at some point in time because life is more meaningful when lived to the fullest.
I've liked that line since I was in college, round about the time when my Mom was hospitalized for appendicitis. Every time, something happens to my mom back then, I would run this line over and over again just to assure myself that I, we will not have to deal with whatever for long. And then it became a habit. I would summon the courage it gives whenever something difficult comes by - I try to live less when I'm in that situation and then hope that by the time I wake up, the worst is over. It has been like that for quite sometime and I coped because of that. I must say though that when the toughest times came, I was forced to abandon the momentary courage it gives and faced the monsters I was confronted with. It did me good. I am tougher now. It is still a puzzle for me though, how and where I got the strength to face the challenges in my life. I just remember that when they came, I would wake up one day with more courage to say, "Bring it on!", and then when it hits harder I'd tease it with, "Is this all that you can do?". No guessing is needed to say that life brings out the best and worst in us in very unusual ways. I'd say that, the toughest times brought out the best in me.
It is different for others though. My friend Rizza, with a sudden twist of fate, is now carrying a burden for her family. Her sister is still in the hospital, only God knows when she will wake up and her father needs to be operated on because of a heart condition and if that is not enough, she is the one running their business in place of her sister. For quite sometime now, I have not spoken with Cheng and I am not sure how she is holding up. The last news I have of her was that her sister is still unconscious and her father has been sent home from the hospital. I would sometimes think of how it feels to be in her place and I can't even go past the part where I would say to myself, this too shall pass because I know for a fact, based on experience that it's not appropriate. I tried to say to Cheng to pick herself up to stand and fight. Fight for her sanity, fight for her family, fight for her sister, and fight for their lives. No one would say, "ok lang yan", coz its not OKAI. It never will be. Having to suffer that kind of threat, even if you get past it, is not OKAI.
The thing is, it is not okay to simply say, this too shall pass because it is almost as if one is turning his or her back from what he or she is confronted with. While it is understandable that the ordeal or any ordeal of this scale for that matter is difficult, it is not an excuse to be passive about it. I've learned that experiences of this magnitude does not happen randomly or for no reason at all - unlike what I would fondly recall from one of my classes, when my professor would regard things that happen in international politics as a random act of randomness, or to put it simply, shit happens. There is a grand design in all of these - and this is me talking in a very conservative manner. No one knows what until the worst part is over. It has occurred to me at some point whether the things we get out of the experience could not be had through other means and I found the answer just now. Even if it there were other ways of learning what needs to be learned, the problem to be confronted next is if those were easier than the one that just happened.
Humans are equipped with an amazing capacity to survive, having done so for centuries. And to say this is not just to talk about physical survival but also emotional, pychological, mental, and even spiritual survival. I've always believed that there is a lesson to be learned with every experience, the more striking the experience, the more potent the lesson. To brush off life and what comes with it, with a simple "this too shall pass" is to forego of that gem that comes along with accomplishing the task. It's like SuperMario game (I'm this old and I'm this ignorant with computer and even online games that I don't have anything recent to use), every block you destroy is equivalent to some points the harder you knock off the block the higher the points. It takes a few, yes, a few of these bigger blocks to understand that this is life's game. This is how it unfolds. There is no and there shouldn't be any turning away or letting past of this opportunity. To let go of these moments would be to live life less.
Sometimes, I would close my eyes to relive the memory of the tough times. Now, I would count the moments when I would say I would never have it any other way. And for me, those times were the times when I stared at each challenge straight-faced in pain and boldly saying, bring it on.
You would know when a person got the most out of life when this is his or her outlook. But it takes so much to get to this point. I am fortunate to have gone through a lot to even be able to say this. I know that there is much more out there. And I am scared but I will have to face it anyway because no amount of preparation can equip me with the a solution for anything that might happen. I just know I have to face it first before I get to the part of solving it.
We need to experience saying this too shall pass but we will have to let it go at some point in time because life is more meaningful when lived to the fullest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)