I want to write

I want to write about life so that when I do not have the time to go and rummage through the memories in boxes or even cabinets, I can just simply click on the internet and reconnect to my past with the words I've written down sometime in my life. In my capacity now, words do not justify the life I have. I cannot just as yet find the right words to express the things and events in my life and just how wonderfully amazing and sometimes depressing it has been.

There's a part in me that is determined to document all of these because somehow deep within me there are things that I may not be able to share with someone. Its true now for me than at any other time in my life when they say that there are a lot of things going on in a woman's mind that no one will ever find out, whether its her choice or because no one dared to ask or search it. Perhaps its part of the enigma of life, why certain things are left unknown even when its within someone's reach, how something confronting us is still left unseen. Somehow there is hope in me that tells me, someday, someone out there in this great, big world, will see through me and understand my yearnings, my thoughts, and why I have them. He may not share it, but knows it and because of it, he is never the same again. It's probably too much to ask, but its a dream. It's a dream that I do not know how to fulfill because whereas I can probably find a way to climb mountains and do the impossible, I cannot beg, and will not beg for someone to love me.

Moving on, I've written down somewhere, in a couple of pages and spaces, the things I want to write about and I still have a few left in my mind. I've never come to write anything complete. It takes quite a while for me to express myself in the most appropriate ways. It's a good thing that only very few knows this space. I have the liberty to write just about anything, even things that I am ashamed to admit to myself out loud. This page has sort of become my refuge, especially when I am in denial. I look back and read again the things I've written down and the stories, the thoughts, the words, take me back to memory lane. Surprise to say when I read some of the entries, I can feel how I felt a long time ago, even the emptiness, even the sadness. I am definitely not a good writer, but only for the reason that I can relive the feelings and memories, I'd say its a pretty good thing.

The inspiration to write again came from a newfound friend when I found his columns. He doesn't know that I did, but I found his writings, and I was impressed. Well, I was already impressed at him to begin with but more so, when I found out about his religious affiliation. I wish I could write like that. His random and yet very meaningful use of words takes me to what he sees and what he understands. I wish I could let people see the way I see the world.

I want to write. And I will.