I'm going to cry

I'm not going to rant.
I'm not going to be bitter about what I've lost.
I'm not going to go on a massive Facebook confession.
There will be no emo quotes.

There will be no downcast posts.

But there will be tears. Lots and lots of it.
I am not holding back until it runs dry.
Until I get tired and cry no more.

I will sob until I can't breathe.
And I will write.
I will write about the agony, and the anguish of a beautiful love
that has gone astray and has vanished.

I'm going to cry. 

His name is Jay

And i lost him. I walked away from him but he never followed. 

He was my first boyfriend after a very long time. 

It happened because I wanted us to go to my family but he didn't want to. His reason was their place was far, it's going to be late when we get home. This I find to be unacceptable and so I told him I'm leaving. Spur of the moment decision - out of disbelief that he would dare give me very shallow reasons. 

I really thought there was something going on there; for a time there was. And then it slowly dwindled. I agreed for him not to drive me home because my place is very far and petrol was expensive and he doesn't like driving around in traffic. To be fair, I did think that it was very far and quite unfair for him. SO I accepted that. 

And then he let me commute because he wants to drink with his dad, which to be fair was okay (he doesn't live with his dad and he rarely see him). And then he wouldn't pick me up from the station because he wants to watch a footy game. And then he doesn't want to spend a lot with me because he spent a lot on his own already. 

Maybe we are just to jaded to love. I've been protective of myself and has been holding back, and I know and feel, so does he. We are both afraid of commitment because we have been hurt before. But I don't want it to be like this. They say that there are lots of mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them. I don't want a mediocre love and relationship. 

I walked out on him when he was really sick, the one time he was sick during our time together. I walked out on him and I felt bad. I'm feel sorry but it has been done. I am scared to know what and how it made him feel because I didn't want to hurt him.

Maybe this is not yet it; maybe we both have our own lessons to learn, own stories to write, separate lives to live; maybe I can still hold on to the idea of us in the next few days. 

I know the days will pass by and it will be soon be over. I just hope that the tears dry up as quickly as they should so that I can talk freely of how beautiful that love was. 

His name was Jay and he's no longer mine.