Terminal

I have finished submitting my application for a second degree and I was just notified earlier of the qualifying exam and panel interview for a prospective master’s degree. There will be a three-day “employment expo” or what is commonly known as a job fair in a distant mall. I have been seriously thinking lately of applying as an immigrant to another country. The turn of events here have not gone for the better but it also has not swerved on the worse case scenario I’ve been dreading.

I feel like I am waiting for a sign, a signal, and an assurance before I could get on that train and get on with my life, before I could confidently execute something for my life, for our lives. But hey, who am I kidding, nowadays, only those who found their direction have that confidence to lean on but even they fall in the trap of uncertainty most of the times. The thing about this waiting is that I don’t know what or who am I am waiting for. It’s not like I have not been in this kind of situation before, its just that I feel that so much time is spent of idly waiting for something or someone whose face I have not yet imagine or whose probability I have not yet conceived. It’s as if, I am waiting for me.

Waiting for me to finally take courage to face what I have been offered. I believe that this is one of those, I-have-a-second-life-moment because I feel that after resigning from work, I found back, I gained back my life. Yes, I lost a job, but there were so many things offered to me. The only problem is I don’t know which one to take.

I have this crazy idea of taking on several offers, all at the same time. I figured, maybe there would be enough time to take up my second degree in the morning, then my masters degree in the afternoon and then my part time job in the evening. I thought to myself, yeah, I could probably handle that. It looks doable from where I am standing right now. But I know that it could be a death wish or a death sentence for me.

I cannot afford now to be envious of what my friends have. I used to be. I always thought that they always tend to get the good deals, they always end up with the best bargain and even if they don’t they somehow manage to make it an advantage to them. I always thought that I don’t have the powers to be that good. I learned my lesson. After all, to each his own. It’s just that I think its taking me too long to put the things I learned into practice.

There is a sense in all of these. I can feel it. I am not one who will give up now. I just want myself to know how I feel now so that when I look back in the future, it’ll feel good to know I have been right all along.

Dear God,

Hi there. I am most certainly unsure of my position now. I have been in this situation for so many times only You can keep track. I have been unfaithful before when these kinds of moment comes up but I would like to make it clear now that it will not happen this time. I may be uncertain of where I am, what is out there for me to do, what You really want me to accomplish, what is my purpose in life and so on and so forth but I am determined to stick it out with YOU this time.

Do to me as YOU wish and I will just follow. If ever YOU haven’t decided yet where to put me in the greater scheme of things, I guess I will just have to hang around here for the moment and wait till YOU have finally figured out my rightful place. I will not budge. But knowing YOU, I am sure there is already that spot for me. Probably I’m not just ready or maybe YOU are still preparing me, maybe even this sort-of waiting time is all part of Your wonderful plan, I probably am on my way to that place you have set for me.

Whatever it is you have decided for me, I’ll just be here. I will just wait till YOU call me next.

Ciao!

Gail

P.S. Does the spot you prepared for me come with it a companion for the rest of my life? Will he be waiting there? And will I ever get to experience everything I have dreamed of with him? I sure hope so. If not, well, I have YOU anyways, and the angels and the saints and my friends.

Holding on

Holding on to something is really an inevitable part in our lives. We may or may not know it. Sometimes it makes no difference at all. When we recognize that we are holding on to something it either just makes us rationalize about it or we deny that we do. We hold on to our hopes and dreams, we hold on to family, to friends, to faith, to love, to the good in this world, to the courage in ourselves.

We hold on because the things that we hold on to give meaning to our lives. ANd when we see the end of that which we hold on to, it seems as if our world stops and we cease to live...for a time.

I think my dad is in that stage now. I think that there is no day since the death of my mom - his wife - when he wished that he too would be taken away from this earth. My mom was his life and now that she had gone, he too wants to follow. I don't exactly know their love story, but it was a pretty dramatic one from what I've heard. My dad has been holding on too much to my mom. She is the only person he listens to. She is the only one who can tame him. And now that she's gone. There's no one that can sustain him.

NOw my dad is holding on to each one of us. To the point of keeping us as close as possible to him. He probably feels that if he is close enough to see us, nothing close to what happened to my mom would happen to us.

Sometimes holding on to something can make a difference between moving on and staying put. Its a thin line that separates living life and simply existing. My dad has started to exist when my mom left us. How I wish my dad would live again. Not for us. But for himself. How I wish and pray that my dad would realize that it is not in holding on to us that we live longer, but in moving on and letting life go the way it should go, without holding back, without the fear of losing someone. How I wish that my dad would learn to live HIS life, discovering things that he had overlooked before and learning that my mom's time was up and she had to go.

I still cry buckets of tears when I remember my mom. ANd everytime I remember the first and only movie premier we watched together - her first and last - I can't help but cry and ask her why she had to go so early when I was just about to show her the world that she gave me. But its in holding on to her memories that I find the courage to live my life because I know that she would be happier to see me grow and be that person that she enabled me to be than to wallow in grief over her loss.

Ma, I love you ma, I may not have served you in your time and I may not have shown it when you were still here with us. But I do. I just wish that you could give papa the same courage you taught me when you were still with us so that he too would realize that this time, its in letting you go and holding on to your memories that we honor you more.

Resting

I am now 15 days unemployed and it felt like a month or so. I have been occupied with so many things. And thankfully some of those have been good events. I have been accepted in an externship program. Its a part time internship, and we are to handle projects and have it accomplished by the end of May. I feel excited and I am already looking forward to our meetings and to the project I am going to handle. Also I learned from an ex-officemate who is fortunately or unfortunately (but of the latter) that she is thinking about hiring me as a temporary marketing assistant. I don't think its bad at all. I think its perfect especially when I am in the process of discerning my calling.

There have been so many thoughts running through my mind now. Just last April 2, I felt a wave of ideas come to me and I sensed the need to write it down. I just scribbled on my little note pad thoughts such as, "freedom in a glass casing", remind me again why i am here and some other phrases that I cannot remember right now. The bad thing is, I was not able to write it down completely. Another case of my laziness.

Just early this morning, while hearing mass - it's the birthday of my mom - I realized that I am in a fairly difficult situation, as always. I feel like I always need to submit to the wishes of my father even if there seems to be nothing logical nor reasonable in his demands. My hands are tied because I can't seem to do anything good. There is always the worry that something I have done or something I am about to do will not pass the approval of my dad. And its just frustrating.

Here I am, a college graduate and I have every right in the world to claim my independence and the one person that prevents me from doing it is the same person who made it possible for me to earn this right. I feel so restricted and I feel that my growth as a person has been stifled, all because of the insecurities of my dad triggered by the death of my mom.

It's a complicated life when it should not be in the first place.

A cloud of thoughts

Since I resigned last week, I have been visited by quite a few thoughts. Most of them about my career, some regarding my current situation, others still are abstract yet not far from reality. I have been mostly haunted by the thought that what I am enjoying right now is "freedom in a glass casing". You see, I have been successfully able to finish my studies without any major difficulty. I think i deserve to enjoy that so called independence. But I've been hindered by quite a few issues and things. Some of which you would be able to read in this blog. Others will be kept in the safety of my mind.

I feel as if I have suffered quite a considerable ordeal and so the question asking for a reminder of why I am in this very situation arises. Then again, I have to carefully remind myself that I am not in anyway asking reprieve from what I am going through, only that I be enlightened as to why I have to suffer. Probably by understanding how things turn out the way i dont expect them to be, it would be easier to accept the fate I have to carry.