Terminal

I have finished submitting my application for a second degree and I was just notified earlier of the qualifying exam and panel interview for a prospective master’s degree. There will be a three-day “employment expo” or what is commonly known as a job fair in a distant mall. I have been seriously thinking lately of applying as an immigrant to another country. The turn of events here have not gone for the better but it also has not swerved on the worse case scenario I’ve been dreading.

I feel like I am waiting for a sign, a signal, and an assurance before I could get on that train and get on with my life, before I could confidently execute something for my life, for our lives. But hey, who am I kidding, nowadays, only those who found their direction have that confidence to lean on but even they fall in the trap of uncertainty most of the times. The thing about this waiting is that I don’t know what or who am I am waiting for. It’s not like I have not been in this kind of situation before, its just that I feel that so much time is spent of idly waiting for something or someone whose face I have not yet imagine or whose probability I have not yet conceived. It’s as if, I am waiting for me.

Waiting for me to finally take courage to face what I have been offered. I believe that this is one of those, I-have-a-second-life-moment because I feel that after resigning from work, I found back, I gained back my life. Yes, I lost a job, but there were so many things offered to me. The only problem is I don’t know which one to take.

I have this crazy idea of taking on several offers, all at the same time. I figured, maybe there would be enough time to take up my second degree in the morning, then my masters degree in the afternoon and then my part time job in the evening. I thought to myself, yeah, I could probably handle that. It looks doable from where I am standing right now. But I know that it could be a death wish or a death sentence for me.

I cannot afford now to be envious of what my friends have. I used to be. I always thought that they always tend to get the good deals, they always end up with the best bargain and even if they don’t they somehow manage to make it an advantage to them. I always thought that I don’t have the powers to be that good. I learned my lesson. After all, to each his own. It’s just that I think its taking me too long to put the things I learned into practice.

There is a sense in all of these. I can feel it. I am not one who will give up now. I just want myself to know how I feel now so that when I look back in the future, it’ll feel good to know I have been right all along.

Dear God,

Hi there. I am most certainly unsure of my position now. I have been in this situation for so many times only You can keep track. I have been unfaithful before when these kinds of moment comes up but I would like to make it clear now that it will not happen this time. I may be uncertain of where I am, what is out there for me to do, what You really want me to accomplish, what is my purpose in life and so on and so forth but I am determined to stick it out with YOU this time.

Do to me as YOU wish and I will just follow. If ever YOU haven’t decided yet where to put me in the greater scheme of things, I guess I will just have to hang around here for the moment and wait till YOU have finally figured out my rightful place. I will not budge. But knowing YOU, I am sure there is already that spot for me. Probably I’m not just ready or maybe YOU are still preparing me, maybe even this sort-of waiting time is all part of Your wonderful plan, I probably am on my way to that place you have set for me.

Whatever it is you have decided for me, I’ll just be here. I will just wait till YOU call me next.

Ciao!

Gail

P.S. Does the spot you prepared for me come with it a companion for the rest of my life? Will he be waiting there? And will I ever get to experience everything I have dreamed of with him? I sure hope so. If not, well, I have YOU anyways, and the angels and the saints and my friends.