Somewhere over the rainbow

Struggle is less and less but there are still moments, particular times in a day when I want him. I will never understand now why things are happening but I believe there’s always a silver lining in every cloud. The truth is I shouldn’t have fallen for him. All he wanted was sex and he got it. I am so wrapped up in my fantasy that I couldn’t even accept that all that there was, was sex. 

I am not the only woman who fell for this and with a bruised ego, I am picking myself up. I am taking responsibility for my own stupidity and I am not going to say, I should have known better because I don’t. I really don’t know a lot about this; I now know a bit. I hope the worst is over. 

I am worthy

I think I am boring. I don't really do much lately except work; but so do others. Semi-consistently, I go to bikram yoga which has given me absolute refuge and afforded me the peace and good health I would otherwise be struggling to get. 

I like to be active. I really want to run if only I don't fear experiencing headaches and injuring my knee. I like to do something adventurous if only my fear of something happening that would cause me grief or pain doesn't surface before I get to do it. 

I like to try different things and be able to share something when people ask if I have done it. I like to have a bucket list that I create as I do them because the truth is, I don't exactly have definite things I want to do. I have written a few, and I don't know if I will be able to do them. Maybe that's the reason why it is called a bucket list.

People see me as a face of happiness, something which I am genuinely happy about. 

I fall hard. I love deep. I forget about me and that makes me too much for others. I am always too much for others. 

I like romcoms and I like crying although I haven't admitted this to myself. I get so much relief when I cry and it pisses me off and loves it at the same time. Pisses me off because I look awful when I cry with my bulgy eyes and red nose, and loves it because I get to release what shouldn't be cramped in my tiny cage. 

I like good looking men. I swoon over metrosexuals; I adore smart and intelligent men. I fall immediately for the ones with superb sense of humour. And before I forget, I also absolutely die for gentlemen. So unless I am the luckiest woman in the world, and get to find someone who has all of these, it kinda say that I am not very sure what I want in a man. We are not even talking about non-negotiables. 

There are a lot things I don't know about myself. I am a walking tentative. I borrow from others what they think is admirable and make it mine. 

I am not modelesque although I have always wanted to be. I am not the kind of woman who will turn heads although sometimes I wish am. 

I think I am good with what I do, although, I am always never satisfied. I am always hard on myself. I want to be the best. I want to be the standard. 

I think I am beautiful. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress. 
I'd like to think I am smart. I am attracted to intelligent discussions, especially if I can participate in it. 

I cannot be a beauty queen or model and I cannot be another person for anyone so I have stopped thinking I need to compete. I cannot be a hot chick; I can only be the cute, sometimes funny, energetic, happy, animated, emotional, scared, insecure woman I am. I am trying to work on what needs to be worked on but I am starting to understand who I am. I am a late bloomer. 

I am worthy. I am worthy of respect and love. I am worthy to be pursued. I am worthy to be the choice. I am my Father's daughter. 

I am hurt because I love. I choose to love, and whether he is worthy or not is a different discussion altogether. Being hurt because I was not chosen is not equals to inferiority. It is not tantamount to not being worthy. Not being chosen, unrequited love and affection doesn't negate my worthiness. 

I am worthy.