Before, there were many debuts to attend to, friends from different side sometimes even celebrate it on the same day, which makes it hard to decide which one to go to, especially if both have listed you in their roster of 18s. Then day by day, the invitations become scarce until the last and youngest (by months) in your batch celebrates her day. Then there are only gimmicks some spontaneous, some planned some as a result of consecutive nights of research and studying, others out of boredom, some of plain coincidence. Then one by one, the group grows thin until only 3 or 4 of your friends regularly hangout. The others have stayed put, you moved on or not, others refused to budge, still others move out of the country, some busy fixing themselves or finding it.
Even the venue of your gimmick shifts from the rampaging disco bars and houses to the quiet and calm coffee shops or the idea of a good night-out means watching a melodramatic, romantic, funny stage play and afterwards, having coffee at a nearby coffee shop. The scarcity of debut invitations is joined by increasing news of friends having their babies, becoming parents – or opting not to – and then the scarier yet wonderful event of tying the knot. And then those of you left would one-day look at each other over coffee, in one of those planned or unplanned meetings, talk about the days past and the funny and not so funny moments. Then the line, "Grabeh, ang bilis ng panahon, parang kelan lang …", would pop out of somebody’s mouth and then another line, "naalala ko nga ung time na…", would follow.
You recall the times when you’ve experienced embarrassment the first time and wished the earth would swallow you right then and there (uhmmm, that’s talking about me and anna). And then realize how you, with the constant reminders from your friends, acted funny then. On the one hand you are thankful that it happened because now you understand that God wanted it to happen because it’s a good memory to have and laugh about.
Your problems ranged from the most trivial to the fascinating, to the interesting, to the easy, average, difficult and clincher. As though not enough, life would jokingly whip you with a bigger-than-the-earth-dilemma (or so you think). You come out of it alive but scratched and bruised and almost traumatized. Then you laugh about it one day and realize it made you stronger. You believed then, sometimes, until now, that you should have been that kind of person, you were made to be somebody among the stars, if not THE star. You reflect now at what’s happening in your life and admit, that yes, there probably are reasons why you are you and not otherwise.
Then life moves on.
Its fascinating how in one wave our hands time seemed to have moved faster than we expect it to be. With all its ups and downs, sometimes more of the downs, other times the ups, as the Murphy’s law states, we look back and enjoy what we see. What I truly wish for all of us is that no matter what we see when we look back, we will always give back to God (or at least acknowledge, that this no mere conspiracy of the universe, that there is somebody up there who makes all of this possible) the glory for He made these things possible and that we realize how blessed we are.
P. S. i would really appreciate it if you would tell me of the grammatical errors in all of my entries. This just came out of my mind while working. I'm really slow in grammar. Its my waterloo. Please help me to improve.thanks!
Friday, February 25, 2005
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Taking the step
There is still doubt in me, but I think I already heard what I needed to make final my decision. I am still afraid and hesitant to take the step though. There were no chorus of angels singing alleluia because of the revelation only a humble acceptance of my "Jerusalem". Deep down in my heart, I am not truly troubled. I have been preparing for things like this since the moment I felt I am not happy and growing where I am right now. I am afraid though that after all of this, there is no way for me to go back to my career and pursue my dreams. I have placed my faith in God’s goodness and providence. And just like how I sure I felt I would get my cum laude price, I also feel that somehow, in the future, God will reveal that path to me. No need for the treasure hunter’s map, in one wave of His hand, I know God will enable me.
I cannot blame myself for feeling envious of my colleagues. Their problems – I am not bellittling whatever is occupying them now, I know that life and death can be the equivalent of even the most trivial pursuit and dilemma – seems to be simpler and more mundane than what I have. But whose problem isn’t? I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I cried buckets of tears last night until I can breath no more but after it, I was able to sleep well. I thought to myself, crying really helps me clear my mind. After that, I see things as a natural consequence of events that are bound to happen no matter in what form, shape and size they come. I feel stronger, ever ready to take on another blow. There is this running sarcasm in my mind, one that I have seen in thousands of movies, when the protagonist is beaten. He keeps on shouting at his attacker, "Is that all you can do?" My paraphrased version goes like, "wala na ba?", "Sige pa! Yan lang ba?". Tapang no.
I guess, it does makes one stronger. I never tire of hearing the phrase, "What doesn’t break you, makes you stronger". It is making me now. I look up to the metal cabinet just above my desk and saw the bible verse that I printed and posted to remind me of His promise, one that has sustained me especially during the unfortunate suffering and passing of my mom. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says, " For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me, Yes when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…"
I cannot blame myself for feeling envious of my colleagues. Their problems – I am not bellittling whatever is occupying them now, I know that life and death can be the equivalent of even the most trivial pursuit and dilemma – seems to be simpler and more mundane than what I have. But whose problem isn’t? I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I cried buckets of tears last night until I can breath no more but after it, I was able to sleep well. I thought to myself, crying really helps me clear my mind. After that, I see things as a natural consequence of events that are bound to happen no matter in what form, shape and size they come. I feel stronger, ever ready to take on another blow. There is this running sarcasm in my mind, one that I have seen in thousands of movies, when the protagonist is beaten. He keeps on shouting at his attacker, "Is that all you can do?" My paraphrased version goes like, "wala na ba?", "Sige pa! Yan lang ba?". Tapang no.
I guess, it does makes one stronger. I never tire of hearing the phrase, "What doesn’t break you, makes you stronger". It is making me now. I look up to the metal cabinet just above my desk and saw the bible verse that I printed and posted to remind me of His promise, one that has sustained me especially during the unfortunate suffering and passing of my mom. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says, " For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me, Yes when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…"
Saturday, February 19, 2005
After a moment..
I have had several realizations borne out of my present situation. It is true indeed that one’s disposition, no matter how distressing the situation may seem. Really, when the going gets tough, you really must get going. Its only now that I am mustering the courage and finding the humility to face criticism, my shortcomings, my lack of knowledge and other deliberate wrongdoings. I now believe that the more responsibilities, activities, and tasks one is assigned or given to, double the effort and time should be given to contemplative and conversational prayer with God. Life is so mysterious that even if we think we know what it is we ought to do, and even if what should be done is laid in front of us, it take a person of great wisdom and patience to undertake the right and best thing to do.
With so much choices and direction to turn to, it is not so surprising that we take detours, commit mistakes, and choose the wrong option because our judgement has been clouded by all the options we could choose from. I now fully understand what it means to be responsible for one’s action, learning from where one has fallen, and moving forward and doing better. And this is where our dreams are of best utility. Dreams direct us and refresh our memory of what we want to become and what we want to achieve in the midst of tear-jerking, nauseating and frustrating reality. They are our abled guide when we become blind to the harshness of the world and when there seems to be no escaping the endless cruelties this world has to throw at us.
Continue to hold on to my dreams. Its just what I am determined to do. In these moments of momentary strength, I need to always re-affirm myself that everything will be ok. That in due time, I would see where everything ends and what my dear, dear Father has in store for me. Can’t wait for His promise to be fulfilled. Until then, I guess there is still strength, faith and hope left to battle out the next endless, excruciating rounds.
With so much choices and direction to turn to, it is not so surprising that we take detours, commit mistakes, and choose the wrong option because our judgement has been clouded by all the options we could choose from. I now fully understand what it means to be responsible for one’s action, learning from where one has fallen, and moving forward and doing better. And this is where our dreams are of best utility. Dreams direct us and refresh our memory of what we want to become and what we want to achieve in the midst of tear-jerking, nauseating and frustrating reality. They are our abled guide when we become blind to the harshness of the world and when there seems to be no escaping the endless cruelties this world has to throw at us.
Continue to hold on to my dreams. Its just what I am determined to do. In these moments of momentary strength, I need to always re-affirm myself that everything will be ok. That in due time, I would see where everything ends and what my dear, dear Father has in store for me. Can’t wait for His promise to be fulfilled. Until then, I guess there is still strength, faith and hope left to battle out the next endless, excruciating rounds.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Over pessimism
I have been taught that we Christians have no right to ask why a tragedy or adversities befall us. We have been indoctrinated to believe that God in His infinite wisdom, mercy and power has put in place every thing to make possible the best in our lives. We only have to trust. I am neither questioning His plans for me nor am I doubting that in all of this something good will come out. My human side however, cannot but help to ask the proverbial question whenever adversities arise. I keep on thinking why this has to happen to us, why we have to feel this way and be hurt and pained so much.
I definitely am a true blue crybaby. I cry for the most insignificant reasons. I understand it to be my biological exhaust to keep my body from absorbing the stress. But it’s funny now that I can’t seem to make the tears fall. Its been difficult for me to shed tears now, even though I am in probably one of the most difficult situation in my life.
When I look at the people around me, I wonder if they have been in this same situation or if they are currently in it. I look at my colleagues, I hear news about them, their successes – venturing in other fields, being one of the best, winning victories, getting promoted, accomplishing a feat, moving on – and I can’t help but ask, why am I stuck here? Obviously, I did not plan for this to happen. Yes, I did think that I would encounter many big rocks, but I didn’t know it would be this "interesting", to say the least. I’ve got nothing with me. I hate to think it but there are times when fear would hound me and tell me that I am not capable of doing anything. What’s more, that I’d get stuck in this job because I have successfully made it an ironic comfort zone.
Now all I could think of is the future of my brothers. I can’t help but be sorry that I am not able, for now, to give them what my mom had given me. In this, I feel I failed her. Sometimes, I start to doubt myself. Am I really capable of all the things I think I can do? Sometimes, I think I am not really as good as I think I am. I think of all the possible jobs that I can do but it seems as if I always fall short either in knowledge or experience.
I hate to admit but I am now one of those who purposely search for a living in near abandonment of their dreams. They say a person without dreams is close to becoming dead. They say we must not let our dreams conform to what we have in life now. But instead let it be our invisible ticket to the life we want to live. They say it’s not right to reduce our dreams to what we can see now. But instead let it be grand and ambitious in every way possible. Our minds have this incredible capability to create worlds beyond what reality permits. They say we should take advantage of this. But in a situation as difficult as I have, it requires excessive amount of hoping and dreaming to keep me from falling in the abyss of desperation and depression.
But then again, I might just be too pessimistic.
I definitely am a true blue crybaby. I cry for the most insignificant reasons. I understand it to be my biological exhaust to keep my body from absorbing the stress. But it’s funny now that I can’t seem to make the tears fall. Its been difficult for me to shed tears now, even though I am in probably one of the most difficult situation in my life.
When I look at the people around me, I wonder if they have been in this same situation or if they are currently in it. I look at my colleagues, I hear news about them, their successes – venturing in other fields, being one of the best, winning victories, getting promoted, accomplishing a feat, moving on – and I can’t help but ask, why am I stuck here? Obviously, I did not plan for this to happen. Yes, I did think that I would encounter many big rocks, but I didn’t know it would be this "interesting", to say the least. I’ve got nothing with me. I hate to think it but there are times when fear would hound me and tell me that I am not capable of doing anything. What’s more, that I’d get stuck in this job because I have successfully made it an ironic comfort zone.
Now all I could think of is the future of my brothers. I can’t help but be sorry that I am not able, for now, to give them what my mom had given me. In this, I feel I failed her. Sometimes, I start to doubt myself. Am I really capable of all the things I think I can do? Sometimes, I think I am not really as good as I think I am. I think of all the possible jobs that I can do but it seems as if I always fall short either in knowledge or experience.
I hate to admit but I am now one of those who purposely search for a living in near abandonment of their dreams. They say a person without dreams is close to becoming dead. They say we must not let our dreams conform to what we have in life now. But instead let it be our invisible ticket to the life we want to live. They say it’s not right to reduce our dreams to what we can see now. But instead let it be grand and ambitious in every way possible. Our minds have this incredible capability to create worlds beyond what reality permits. They say we should take advantage of this. But in a situation as difficult as I have, it requires excessive amount of hoping and dreaming to keep me from falling in the abyss of desperation and depression.
But then again, I might just be too pessimistic.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Happy Valentines Day
Maybe because I never really had a wonderful valentines experience. Nobody really swept me off my feet with a grand bouquet of roses. Nobody gave me diabetes-inducing chocolates. There were no sight of huggable, gigantic, white bears, dogs, cats, elephants, and all sorts of stuffed animals to greet me in this love-filled day. My valentines so far has been bereft of sweet nothings, spine-tingling quotes and other charming stuff.
I find no joy looking at the number of people who busy themselves with preparations for this highly commercialized event. Just like how some of my pals feel, I see this kind of celebration too cliched and highly lacking in sense especially in the time of adversity.
But I don’t blame Pinoys’ psyche for going gaga over this kind of celebration. We are never called innate romantics for nothing. And Filipino men are never so loved and swooned over for no basis at all.
The thing is , I never lived a life like the "crush ng bayan", the natural charmers, the beauty queen materials or the simply fortunate ones who have somebody who likes them come valentines day. I’d probably say I’ve been used to love-less valentines, except for the love of family and relatives and close friends, that I was inured, apathetic and even averse to the celebration of the day of hearts. And so I confess that if I had been one of those who intensely fall for valentines tricks, I wouldn’t be this "bitter", if you want to call it that. I wouldn’t be critical at the sight of red roses and the fact that restaurants, which were not usually occupied now, have waiting lists for last minute dinner arrangements.
There would have been more room for understanding to people who labor for creative ways of expressing their love to their special significant other. But I haven’t had any of those for quite sometime. Yes, I must admit, I did have my share of the valentine’s fever. But they were unfortunately short of my expectation. The first was when I was in Grade 4 with a Grade 6 classmate of my sister. I was too overwhelmed and red with embarrassment then because my teachers and classmates never stopped their banter. Plus I was so afraid that my parents would find out of the early love strain or should I say, infatuation that befall on me. The second one happened when I was fully conscious of the event. I think there were no classes that day, so he came over at our place and with him were three red roses in a box neatly wrapped by ribbons. Both feel short of what my ideal valentines should be. After which, I resigned that my ideal valentines would never happen in the next few years in my reality.
I am never close to the idea that my ideal valentines would happen in this lifetime. It might come knocking on my door tomorrow. Maybe not just on the 14th of February. For what it’s worth, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! everybody.
I find no joy looking at the number of people who busy themselves with preparations for this highly commercialized event. Just like how some of my pals feel, I see this kind of celebration too cliched and highly lacking in sense especially in the time of adversity.
But I don’t blame Pinoys’ psyche for going gaga over this kind of celebration. We are never called innate romantics for nothing. And Filipino men are never so loved and swooned over for no basis at all.
The thing is , I never lived a life like the "crush ng bayan", the natural charmers, the beauty queen materials or the simply fortunate ones who have somebody who likes them come valentines day. I’d probably say I’ve been used to love-less valentines, except for the love of family and relatives and close friends, that I was inured, apathetic and even averse to the celebration of the day of hearts. And so I confess that if I had been one of those who intensely fall for valentines tricks, I wouldn’t be this "bitter", if you want to call it that. I wouldn’t be critical at the sight of red roses and the fact that restaurants, which were not usually occupied now, have waiting lists for last minute dinner arrangements.
There would have been more room for understanding to people who labor for creative ways of expressing their love to their special significant other. But I haven’t had any of those for quite sometime. Yes, I must admit, I did have my share of the valentine’s fever. But they were unfortunately short of my expectation. The first was when I was in Grade 4 with a Grade 6 classmate of my sister. I was too overwhelmed and red with embarrassment then because my teachers and classmates never stopped their banter. Plus I was so afraid that my parents would find out of the early love strain or should I say, infatuation that befall on me. The second one happened when I was fully conscious of the event. I think there were no classes that day, so he came over at our place and with him were three red roses in a box neatly wrapped by ribbons. Both feel short of what my ideal valentines should be. After which, I resigned that my ideal valentines would never happen in the next few years in my reality.
I am never close to the idea that my ideal valentines would happen in this lifetime. It might come knocking on my door tomorrow. Maybe not just on the 14th of February. For what it’s worth, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! everybody.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
emotional roller coaster
This emotional roller coaster is driving me nuts. It’s a fairly difficult situation to be faced with but it is inevitable. Thoughts of working for the UN, shifting to a corporate career, supporting my family, living independently, and doing something holy, good, and soul-uplifting occupy my wave of consciousness. I don’t know if I am just exaggerating how excruciating it is to be in this situation, probably others can better handle my predicament or that they hide effectively well their agony. It is during these moments that I can finally witness how everything I came to learn takes its full shape. Its like they have revealed themselves full circle. Suddenly, everything has deeper meaning and they all make sense. I am quite ambivalent though if they should be taken positively or negatively. Of course, the Christian in me persuades me to take it optimistically because they all happen to make the divine plan come true.
Friday, February 11, 2005
down and out
i must have created this blog on a bad and unlucky day. i noticed most of my entries here have been rantings, moments of depression, envy, longing - or so, as far as i can remember. here i am for the second entry of the year.Goodness!i have one in janvier and another one in fevrier. So much for an online journal.
Depression and boredom is here again. I feel im dragging myself again to office. And when i'm in the office, i usually stare at my computer thinking of the oh-so-many things that i need to accomplish. There actually are a couple that needs my focus. Most taxing of which is the research report i need to deliver at least by the end of fevrier. it is a long overdue "paper" that has been assigned to me, but because of the "multi-tasking" nature of my job, i have successfully kept it under the piles of paper that keep on accumulating every day because of new additions to my responsibilities.
One good thing that happened to me the past two days: I was assigned to another business council. Not that i welcome it with open arms but because it would be a good venue to practice and force myself to learn francaise. I unfortunately, stopped my french lessons because of some concerns that cannot be set aside. Hopefully i can enrol the next round which is in april. for now i have to converse with philip so that i dont forget the precious french lines i learned in class.
office hours is about to end again. i haven't done much.and i am not proud of it. I feel i have been useless and too depressed to do something productive and worthy to be proud of. Good thing, mike is here to provide capsules of spiritual medicine which i could really use. Dont get me wrong because i know i am not the most destitute in the world but sometimes i think that thinking I am not worse off than most who have nothing with them is not really the right way of getting myself out of this rabbit hole i accidentally, or not, fell into. I probably am concentrating on myself too much.
i just learned that trina was off to norway for two grand weeks!what a life. we'll i believe she really deserves it. She's one of the most brilliant person i know. Thank God I have somebody like her who i can look up to.
I wish i would stop wishing and hoping and really do something about my situation. The thing is i dont even know what is my situation. i am constantly looking for something but i can't seem to find it. And it gets worse because i have become hypochondriac since the year started. i've been so paranoid lately that i'd end up with the same fate as my mother. I don't want to die screaming myself to death because of cancer. I'd have to un-learn this habit because i know sooner or later, i will die of thinking of things that haven't happened yet.
So help me God.
p.s. wow!writing my thoughts here is soooo liberating. i felt good and light..i should do this again.
Depression and boredom is here again. I feel im dragging myself again to office. And when i'm in the office, i usually stare at my computer thinking of the oh-so-many things that i need to accomplish. There actually are a couple that needs my focus. Most taxing of which is the research report i need to deliver at least by the end of fevrier. it is a long overdue "paper" that has been assigned to me, but because of the "multi-tasking" nature of my job, i have successfully kept it under the piles of paper that keep on accumulating every day because of new additions to my responsibilities.
One good thing that happened to me the past two days: I was assigned to another business council. Not that i welcome it with open arms but because it would be a good venue to practice and force myself to learn francaise. I unfortunately, stopped my french lessons because of some concerns that cannot be set aside. Hopefully i can enrol the next round which is in april. for now i have to converse with philip so that i dont forget the precious french lines i learned in class.
office hours is about to end again. i haven't done much.and i am not proud of it. I feel i have been useless and too depressed to do something productive and worthy to be proud of. Good thing, mike is here to provide capsules of spiritual medicine which i could really use. Dont get me wrong because i know i am not the most destitute in the world but sometimes i think that thinking I am not worse off than most who have nothing with them is not really the right way of getting myself out of this rabbit hole i accidentally, or not, fell into. I probably am concentrating on myself too much.
i just learned that trina was off to norway for two grand weeks!what a life. we'll i believe she really deserves it. She's one of the most brilliant person i know. Thank God I have somebody like her who i can look up to.
I wish i would stop wishing and hoping and really do something about my situation. The thing is i dont even know what is my situation. i am constantly looking for something but i can't seem to find it. And it gets worse because i have become hypochondriac since the year started. i've been so paranoid lately that i'd end up with the same fate as my mother. I don't want to die screaming myself to death because of cancer. I'd have to un-learn this habit because i know sooner or later, i will die of thinking of things that haven't happened yet.
So help me God.
p.s. wow!writing my thoughts here is soooo liberating. i felt good and light..i should do this again.
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