Taking the step

There is still doubt in me, but I think I already heard what I needed to make final my decision. I am still afraid and hesitant to take the step though. There were no chorus of angels singing alleluia because of the revelation only a humble acceptance of my "Jerusalem". Deep down in my heart, I am not truly troubled. I have been preparing for things like this since the moment I felt I am not happy and growing where I am right now. I am afraid though that after all of this, there is no way for me to go back to my career and pursue my dreams. I have placed my faith in God’s goodness and providence. And just like how I sure I felt I would get my cum laude price, I also feel that somehow, in the future, God will reveal that path to me. No need for the treasure hunter’s map, in one wave of His hand, I know God will enable me.

I cannot blame myself for feeling envious of my colleagues. Their problems – I am not bellittling whatever is occupying them now, I know that life and death can be the equivalent of even the most trivial pursuit and dilemma – seems to be simpler and more mundane than what I have. But whose problem isn’t? I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I cried buckets of tears last night until I can breath no more but after it, I was able to sleep well. I thought to myself, crying really helps me clear my mind. After that, I see things as a natural consequence of events that are bound to happen no matter in what form, shape and size they come. I feel stronger, ever ready to take on another blow. There is this running sarcasm in my mind, one that I have seen in thousands of movies, when the protagonist is beaten. He keeps on shouting at his attacker, "Is that all you can do?" My paraphrased version goes like, "wala na ba?", "Sige pa! Yan lang ba?". Tapang no.

I guess, it does makes one stronger. I never tire of hearing the phrase, "What doesn’t break you, makes you stronger". It is making me now. I look up to the metal cabinet just above my desk and saw the bible verse that I printed and posted to remind me of His promise, one that has sustained me especially during the unfortunate suffering and passing of my mom. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says, " For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me, Yes when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…"