Over pessimism

I have been taught that we Christians have no right to ask why a tragedy or adversities befall us. We have been indoctrinated to believe that God in His infinite wisdom, mercy and power has put in place every thing to make possible the best in our lives. We only have to trust. I am neither questioning His plans for me nor am I doubting that in all of this something good will come out. My human side however, cannot but help to ask the proverbial question whenever adversities arise. I keep on thinking why this has to happen to us, why we have to feel this way and be hurt and pained so much.

I definitely am a true blue crybaby. I cry for the most insignificant reasons. I understand it to be my biological exhaust to keep my body from absorbing the stress. But it’s funny now that I can’t seem to make the tears fall. Its been difficult for me to shed tears now, even though I am in probably one of the most difficult situation in my life.

When I look at the people around me, I wonder if they have been in this same situation or if they are currently in it. I look at my colleagues, I hear news about them, their successes – venturing in other fields, being one of the best, winning victories, getting promoted, accomplishing a feat, moving on – and I can’t help but ask, why am I stuck here? Obviously, I did not plan for this to happen. Yes, I did think that I would encounter many big rocks, but I didn’t know it would be this "interesting", to say the least. I’ve got nothing with me. I hate to think it but there are times when fear would hound me and tell me that I am not capable of doing anything. What’s more, that I’d get stuck in this job because I have successfully made it an ironic comfort zone.

Now all I could think of is the future of my brothers. I can’t help but be sorry that I am not able, for now, to give them what my mom had given me. In this, I feel I failed her. Sometimes, I start to doubt myself. Am I really capable of all the things I think I can do? Sometimes, I think I am not really as good as I think I am. I think of all the possible jobs that I can do but it seems as if I always fall short either in knowledge or experience.

I hate to admit but I am now one of those who purposely search for a living in near abandonment of their dreams. They say a person without dreams is close to becoming dead. They say we must not let our dreams conform to what we have in life now. But instead let it be our invisible ticket to the life we want to live. They say it’s not right to reduce our dreams to what we can see now. But instead let it be grand and ambitious in every way possible. Our minds have this incredible capability to create worlds beyond what reality permits. They say we should take advantage of this. But in a situation as difficult as I have, it requires excessive amount of hoping and dreaming to keep me from falling in the abyss of desperation and depression.

But then again, I might just be too pessimistic.