The Year Of The Rooster
1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
People born in the Year of the Rooster are deep thinkers, capable, and talented. They like to be busy and are devoted beyond their capabilities and are deeply disappointed if they fail. People born in the Rooster Year are often a bit eccentric, and often have rather difficult relationship with others. They always think they are right and usually are! They frequently are loners and though they give the outward impression of being adventurous, they are timid. Rooster people¡¦s emotions like their fortunes, swing very high to very low. They can be selfish and too outspoken, but are always interesting and can be extremely brave. They are most compatible with Ox, Snake, and Dragon
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2009 Chinese Horoscope for Rooster Animal Sign
Year Ahead for People Born in the Year of the Rooster
The Year of the Ox begins on 26th January 2009.
For the Rooster, the year of the Ox offers a pleasing and restful period.
You will be able to build on the foundations already laid in recent years and progress will continue to be positive if a little slow. There will be times when you might feel more competitive and ambitious than normal and you will eventually reach the aims you set for yourself for this year.
There may, however, be one or two small challenges, perhaps as other people oppose your ideas. These challenges you should be able to overcome with determination. So persevere. Don’t give up at the first hurdle otherwise you will not be giving yourself a true chance to make something of yourself. Success will come through having faith in your abilities.
The slow start of the year will be deceptive as the months will get better as time wears on and good fortune is suggested. However, the very start of the year finds you revising old procedures and clearing up matters of the past.
Finance and Investment for the Rooster in 2009
Further still, there is a suggestion that it will be money and possessions that lie at the root of your problems. Cheques that were supposed to arrive are likely to be delayed and you may have to return recent purchases because they are faulty or not the quality you paid for.
The good news is that there is plenty to suggest that this is a time of new beginnings. By March, you might start looking at new investment ideas and start thinking about your long-term security. You could be a wee bit secretive, hiding your intentions from your partner or someone who has a right to know what is going on. Instead, talk your ideas over and they could offer some valuable and profitable suggestions. Generally, joint concerns may move at a slower pace than you would prefer but be patient as they are moving in the right direction.
General Trends for Roosters in 2009
Because you are so determined to reach certain ambitions, other areas in your life could possibly suffer. If your loved-ones complain that you are not giving them the time or attention they deserve, be sure to take them seriously. The more you ignore them, the more chance there is that you will drive them away.
They will look to other areas for the comfort, company and understanding they need. This is the area where you should be careful in this, the year of the Ox, relationships need careful handling if you want to keep them running smoothly.
Mid-Year Trends 2009 for Rooster Borns
Around July, you might wonder: who do you trust at a time when advice is coming at you from all directions. Conflicting information makes you wonder who to believe and what to do for the best. During the middle few months of the year, you have two options whenever you feel too confused to think straight: you can either put your faith in someone who came through for you in the past. (They are unlikely to let you down now.) Or you could delay important decisions until the end of August when everything will look much clearer.
End of the Year Trends 2009 for Roosters
October is the month to watch what you say. If you don’t pay attention and your mind starts to wander, you might let something slip in front of someone who you were trying to keep a secret from.
And then, correspondence during the last few months of the year will hold a degree of urgency and should not be swept aside even when other concerns threaten to get in the way. Make some time to reply to letters, answer e-mails and follow up messages left on your answer-phone.
Deal with anything important yourself as it is a time when you can’t always rely on others to do what they promise. The more self-sufficient you are, the less likely it is that you will be disappointed.
The year ends with you seeing a number of positive improvements and you will have overcome a number of challengers to get this far. You will have a lot to be proud of and if you managed to use your charm to its advantage, relationships will also show strong signs of improving.
from: http://astrology.suite101.com/article.cfm/2009_chinese_horoscope_for_rooster_animal_sign
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Christmas Reflections
By far, this has been one of the nicest christmas I've celebrated. I didn't really get the best of what I want but I did receive some which made me happy; the new cd of APO Hiking society - not released in the market, thanks Fonz; a Parker pen with my name on it; a pair of dumbells (?); the book of Jeffrey Sachs, The end of Poverty from my dearest brother; and a new ring from my father - this is something which I have never expected, I just happen to see the ring and I can't get over it so he bought it for me.
More importantly though, its the special feeling of gratitude, of joy, of love that I feel which made this Christmas very warm and one of the nicest. Suddenly, I realized just how many people loves me and how much I have been given. I cannot help but be overwhelmed with the thought that there's so much to be thankful for.
Well compared to last year's tragedy, this is definitely way better. My family did not notice the difference last year and how broken I've been but the closest to me, especially my workmates have noticed how much I have changed. Whatever lesson I needed to learn, I think I have been made aware of it; learning and living it however will really have to take quite sometime.
This Christmas, I have a renewed vigor to believe in the good things that this life can bring and has to offer. This year, I have been faced with the same challenge of falling in love, getting my heart broken and then trying to recover from it. The last part is a bit difficult to accomplish but I know I'll get there. This is a year of experiments, of forging new friendships, of epiphany, of decisions, of discovering the good there is in people, of craziness, of hope, of love and more importantly, of faith.
I have met a lot of people who witnessed my weaknesses but who never gave up on me. I was given the chance to get to know better some of my old acquiantances and turn them into good friends. I realized this year that its time for me to move on and do what I have been born to do and that if I don't decide now, I will probably be regretting this for the rest of my life.
This year is a year of spending more time with family; of getting to know them a bit better. A year of slowly mending our relationship with our father; of understanding where he might be coming from; of making compromises so that we can meet halfway; of trying to make things work for our family.
This is a year of renewing faith. I found out that its our own insecurities, incapabilites that hinder our ability to ask for what we specifically need or want, for that matter. From the littlest things to the most impossible ones, I find that the power to make our prayers come true is in the humility of asking and in holding on to the faith that it will be granted in due time, and in the way that is best for us. God's love is simply just too much for us humans to understand. We simply have to be steadfast for everything that makes no sense will be revealed to us in due time.
This Christmas has been a meaningful one, not because of the gifts but because I believe I have felt God everywhere and in everyone. Truly, God is with us.
Merry Christmas!
More importantly though, its the special feeling of gratitude, of joy, of love that I feel which made this Christmas very warm and one of the nicest. Suddenly, I realized just how many people loves me and how much I have been given. I cannot help but be overwhelmed with the thought that there's so much to be thankful for.
Well compared to last year's tragedy, this is definitely way better. My family did not notice the difference last year and how broken I've been but the closest to me, especially my workmates have noticed how much I have changed. Whatever lesson I needed to learn, I think I have been made aware of it; learning and living it however will really have to take quite sometime.
This Christmas, I have a renewed vigor to believe in the good things that this life can bring and has to offer. This year, I have been faced with the same challenge of falling in love, getting my heart broken and then trying to recover from it. The last part is a bit difficult to accomplish but I know I'll get there. This is a year of experiments, of forging new friendships, of epiphany, of decisions, of discovering the good there is in people, of craziness, of hope, of love and more importantly, of faith.
I have met a lot of people who witnessed my weaknesses but who never gave up on me. I was given the chance to get to know better some of my old acquiantances and turn them into good friends. I realized this year that its time for me to move on and do what I have been born to do and that if I don't decide now, I will probably be regretting this for the rest of my life.
This year is a year of spending more time with family; of getting to know them a bit better. A year of slowly mending our relationship with our father; of understanding where he might be coming from; of making compromises so that we can meet halfway; of trying to make things work for our family.
This is a year of renewing faith. I found out that its our own insecurities, incapabilites that hinder our ability to ask for what we specifically need or want, for that matter. From the littlest things to the most impossible ones, I find that the power to make our prayers come true is in the humility of asking and in holding on to the faith that it will be granted in due time, and in the way that is best for us. God's love is simply just too much for us humans to understand. We simply have to be steadfast for everything that makes no sense will be revealed to us in due time.
This Christmas has been a meaningful one, not because of the gifts but because I believe I have felt God everywhere and in everyone. Truly, God is with us.
Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Thinking Too Much
I'm going crazy now. Or maybe it's just the impending headache waiting to reveal itself. I've run the scenes in my mind over and over again until I got tired. Events in my future; situations that might just happen if I think about them hard enough. I'm tired. Really tired. And still I'm not sure whether its because of thinking too much or because my resolve to stay is diminishing.
It is getting more and more ardous everyday to keep a brave front. But its becoming easier to write about the experience. There is a free-flow of thoughts on my mind whenever I feel something intense - but it has been more effective if I am in a state of despair or grief or panic or depression.
On another note, but not entirely deviating from the point I have raised, I feel like I'm scarred. Seriously scarred no matter how I try to not think about it. I know I am over it. But the thought of going through the same experience, or probably a different one but with the same kind of grief, is something I am scared to even think about. Of course, I have not ruled out the fact that I was the one who brought it upon myself. It is scary because if I am able to cause such pain to myself how much more can others do to me. And I was even thinking then.
Right now, I wish I have never loved. I don't want to feel this anymore. If only to ease a bit the stabbing pain in my heart. I'm going crazy now.
Its a thief in the night
To come and grab
It can creep up inside you
And consume
A disease of the mind
It can control
Its too close for comfort
Disturbia
Looks like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
...Release me from this curse Im in
I'm trying to remain tame
But i'm struggling
It is getting more and more ardous everyday to keep a brave front. But its becoming easier to write about the experience. There is a free-flow of thoughts on my mind whenever I feel something intense - but it has been more effective if I am in a state of despair or grief or panic or depression.
On another note, but not entirely deviating from the point I have raised, I feel like I'm scarred. Seriously scarred no matter how I try to not think about it. I know I am over it. But the thought of going through the same experience, or probably a different one but with the same kind of grief, is something I am scared to even think about. Of course, I have not ruled out the fact that I was the one who brought it upon myself. It is scary because if I am able to cause such pain to myself how much more can others do to me. And I was even thinking then.
Right now, I wish I have never loved. I don't want to feel this anymore. If only to ease a bit the stabbing pain in my heart. I'm going crazy now.
Its a thief in the night
To come and grab
It can creep up inside you
And consume
A disease of the mind
It can control
Its too close for comfort
Disturbia
Looks like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight
...Release me from this curse Im in
I'm trying to remain tame
But i'm struggling
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Are you prepared?
I guess I have been forewarned. They told me that they will pop the question and I have bravely, almost smug, agreed to answer their questions as honestly as I can, even in the presence of others. And this honesty, entails spilling the truth about the experience even to others who might not have to even know.
Are you prepared?, they asked. I don't know, I answered. Thinking about it now, I should have said that nobody will ever be. No matter how experienced you are in any field, we can never be fully prepared for what might come, especially when there is no knowing for certain what to expect. I am reminded of this short excerpt from a newspaper I read:
For we are all like swimmers in the sea
Poised on the top of a huge wave of fate
Which hangs uncertain to which side to fall
And whether it will heave us up to land
Or whether it will roll us out to sea
Far out to see in the deep waves of fate
We know not, and no search will make us know
Only the event will teach us in its hour
-Matthew Arnold in Sohrab and Rustum
I have been anticipating, probably way too much. And there are times when I just simply want to forget that I feel, just like how I wanted to get rid of that excruciating feeling. But how can I if it heightens the feeling of living? I feel good about life. I feel positive today.
If I can only forget about it even just for a day. To go living in a day without any thought of it.
Are you prepared?, they asked. I don't know, I answered. Thinking about it now, I should have said that nobody will ever be. No matter how experienced you are in any field, we can never be fully prepared for what might come, especially when there is no knowing for certain what to expect. I am reminded of this short excerpt from a newspaper I read:
For we are all like swimmers in the sea
Poised on the top of a huge wave of fate
Which hangs uncertain to which side to fall
And whether it will heave us up to land
Or whether it will roll us out to sea
Far out to see in the deep waves of fate
We know not, and no search will make us know
Only the event will teach us in its hour
-Matthew Arnold in Sohrab and Rustum
I have been anticipating, probably way too much. And there are times when I just simply want to forget that I feel, just like how I wanted to get rid of that excruciating feeling. But how can I if it heightens the feeling of living? I feel good about life. I feel positive today.
If I can only forget about it even just for a day. To go living in a day without any thought of it.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
My thing or two about love
The difference between being in love and wanting to be in love - some may not find so much of a difference.Too easily, people get swayed because of the very charm it has on almost all. I mean, love, in all its different forms is very powerful, be it subtle or pronounced. Those who have been through the painful part may find themselves a bit immune to its spell but not for long - only because it never ceases, it never retreats, it always finds its way to the most vulnerable part of one's heart. No matter how formidable one's defenses are, it never runs out of cunning ways to make one bow down to its charm.
Its not hard to understand why we are so vulnerable to the summons of love. Love is intoxicatingly powerful; it can alter emotions, overturn decisions, and make seriously absurd ones, too. Once unrequited, it also leaves excruciatingly painful marks; memories that will linger and follow us, no matter how far we run or hide. The worst part is, suffering is an inevitable part of it: its as if pain is the significant other half, only that we get to see it a bit later, after the sweetness has faded, as soon as the first sign of conflict emerges and as soon as one starts to fall out of love.
And yet, it still retains that irresistable charm. We, humans, heed its call, although some may not immediately answer; some put up with a bit of resistance. Choosing to take love's side or choosing to go against it, requires the same amount of courage, much like life and/or death. To know that even in the arms of love, we can suffer, and yet we still choose that decision is like going to battle knowing full well of an impending death. To run away from it, to suppress and deny it's place in our life, requires enormous self-restraint to the point of masochism. So really there is no escaping it. Either way, we show a taint of bravery and either way we suffer.
But then again, what keeps us from resisting? Simple. The mere experience, the blush of love keeps us undeniably alive. Heart beating faster, tongues getting tied not knowing what to say, uncontrollable blushes, clumsiness, perkiness, and other peculiar behaviours which is more or less a sign of a deviation from the normalcy of our existence. We delight, consciously or unconsciously, because it makes our existence not simply that - we begin to live. Every little thing matters: the colors of flowers, the dust hovering in the atmosphere, the crispness in the laughter of children or friends, the revelation of beauty in the most unexpected places - the lightness of being.
If we think about it, weighing the consequences and "benefits", standing from a risk perspective or simply a logical point of view, how much do we gain if we allow ourselves to love and be in love (and by this I mean, a romantic kind of love)? Is it really worth going through the hell of heartaches, if for a moment in time, we will have our share of heaven in the arms of the someone who we love?
Being in love, means that we have a definite receiver of that love that we hold inside. We may not know him or her yet but we are not letting ourselves get any less of what we have in mind or who we have in mind. Although of course, there are exceptions - those who have found love in the most unexpected situations. A testament of the fact that really nothing is so certain in this lifetime.
They say that we don't really get to realize that we are in love until it finally hits us. And then just like how the chaos is after a bomb has hit its target, we stand and stare in space without any idea of what befell on us and where to go to. I doubt if the first reaction would be joy - I would bet it is more of confusion, of questioning and fear. We are in love if we find the least time to plan for what will come until it really comes. There face to face with love, leaves us with less chance to imagine but probably makes it more real than a dream.
Wanting to be in love is more like day dreaming to the next level. We feel the emotions of people who are inlove yet we don't have our someone to give it to. We delight at the thought of someone liking us, of someone falling for us and we feel as if we are in love. The danger of this is that there is a tendency to throw ourselves to the next available stranger who would show the slightest appreciation of us. When this happens, there is a big possibility that who we have settled for is not the right one for us. We have allowed our own fantasies to get the better judgement and hence, the better of us.
Why am I saying this? I am guilty. I want to be in love. I ache when the protagonist got her heartbroken and delight when she found her way back to the one she loves. I watch feel good movies and feel in love. And yes, I am guilty of somehow flirting with the next person who shows interest in me. Its a good thing I know the difference now. Sometimes though, its just good to be caught unaware.
Its not hard to understand why we are so vulnerable to the summons of love. Love is intoxicatingly powerful; it can alter emotions, overturn decisions, and make seriously absurd ones, too. Once unrequited, it also leaves excruciatingly painful marks; memories that will linger and follow us, no matter how far we run or hide. The worst part is, suffering is an inevitable part of it: its as if pain is the significant other half, only that we get to see it a bit later, after the sweetness has faded, as soon as the first sign of conflict emerges and as soon as one starts to fall out of love.
And yet, it still retains that irresistable charm. We, humans, heed its call, although some may not immediately answer; some put up with a bit of resistance. Choosing to take love's side or choosing to go against it, requires the same amount of courage, much like life and/or death. To know that even in the arms of love, we can suffer, and yet we still choose that decision is like going to battle knowing full well of an impending death. To run away from it, to suppress and deny it's place in our life, requires enormous self-restraint to the point of masochism. So really there is no escaping it. Either way, we show a taint of bravery and either way we suffer.
But then again, what keeps us from resisting? Simple. The mere experience, the blush of love keeps us undeniably alive. Heart beating faster, tongues getting tied not knowing what to say, uncontrollable blushes, clumsiness, perkiness, and other peculiar behaviours which is more or less a sign of a deviation from the normalcy of our existence. We delight, consciously or unconsciously, because it makes our existence not simply that - we begin to live. Every little thing matters: the colors of flowers, the dust hovering in the atmosphere, the crispness in the laughter of children or friends, the revelation of beauty in the most unexpected places - the lightness of being.
If we think about it, weighing the consequences and "benefits", standing from a risk perspective or simply a logical point of view, how much do we gain if we allow ourselves to love and be in love (and by this I mean, a romantic kind of love)? Is it really worth going through the hell of heartaches, if for a moment in time, we will have our share of heaven in the arms of the someone who we love?
Being in love, means that we have a definite receiver of that love that we hold inside. We may not know him or her yet but we are not letting ourselves get any less of what we have in mind or who we have in mind. Although of course, there are exceptions - those who have found love in the most unexpected situations. A testament of the fact that really nothing is so certain in this lifetime.
They say that we don't really get to realize that we are in love until it finally hits us. And then just like how the chaos is after a bomb has hit its target, we stand and stare in space without any idea of what befell on us and where to go to. I doubt if the first reaction would be joy - I would bet it is more of confusion, of questioning and fear. We are in love if we find the least time to plan for what will come until it really comes. There face to face with love, leaves us with less chance to imagine but probably makes it more real than a dream.
Wanting to be in love is more like day dreaming to the next level. We feel the emotions of people who are inlove yet we don't have our someone to give it to. We delight at the thought of someone liking us, of someone falling for us and we feel as if we are in love. The danger of this is that there is a tendency to throw ourselves to the next available stranger who would show the slightest appreciation of us. When this happens, there is a big possibility that who we have settled for is not the right one for us. We have allowed our own fantasies to get the better judgement and hence, the better of us.
Why am I saying this? I am guilty. I want to be in love. I ache when the protagonist got her heartbroken and delight when she found her way back to the one she loves. I watch feel good movies and feel in love. And yes, I am guilty of somehow flirting with the next person who shows interest in me. Its a good thing I know the difference now. Sometimes though, its just good to be caught unaware.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Random ripples, or not?
I did not go to work today. Not that I have willingly decided to but because the heavens might have answered my prayers for a true ailment to befall on me; my migraine finally hit the bell on top and made me rush to a neurologist, who marvelously diagnosed that I have...a migraine. And not only that, my rhinopharyngitis decided to bug me in the middle of the night enough to take away precious sleep hours and keep me from swallowing and yes, talking; another reason for me to rush to the doctor.
So you see, I can't really say that I'm sick when Im not so I have to wait for something to really happen to me before I call in sick so I would not have to feel guilty.
I can't help but feel a pang of envy towards friends who are on the path towards who they want to be, doing what we have been dreaming way back in college. Most of them have already traveled the world while I am still here dreaming the dream we had ages ago. I thought that I was at peace with the fact that I cannot yet choose me until my brothers have finished; until I am sure that they can take care of themselves. Now I find myself typing the keys away, looking for a job closer to that which I really want to do.
I felt as if there is something or someone who intended to disrupt my placid existence to remind me that I should not get too comfortable where I am right now because this is not what life has set aside for me. I was excited with the prospect of working for the same company but in a different country but that has now become a perpetual possibility; something to always think about, an opportunity that would be forever followed by, what if?
Honestly, I am still undecided whether the awakening was as random as others might thought it would be or whether it is what I hoped it is. I have been constantly nagged by my conscience, never allowing me to let go of that dream. Again I'm not sure whether its just me or there is really something out there looking after me.
They say that we decide how we want our lives to turn out. But we all know that it has always been easier said than done. When you are confronted by two equally propitious options to make and it is fairly difficult to choose both, how do you choose?
So you see, I can't really say that I'm sick when Im not so I have to wait for something to really happen to me before I call in sick so I would not have to feel guilty.
I can't help but feel a pang of envy towards friends who are on the path towards who they want to be, doing what we have been dreaming way back in college. Most of them have already traveled the world while I am still here dreaming the dream we had ages ago. I thought that I was at peace with the fact that I cannot yet choose me until my brothers have finished; until I am sure that they can take care of themselves. Now I find myself typing the keys away, looking for a job closer to that which I really want to do.
I felt as if there is something or someone who intended to disrupt my placid existence to remind me that I should not get too comfortable where I am right now because this is not what life has set aside for me. I was excited with the prospect of working for the same company but in a different country but that has now become a perpetual possibility; something to always think about, an opportunity that would be forever followed by, what if?
Honestly, I am still undecided whether the awakening was as random as others might thought it would be or whether it is what I hoped it is. I have been constantly nagged by my conscience, never allowing me to let go of that dream. Again I'm not sure whether its just me or there is really something out there looking after me.
They say that we decide how we want our lives to turn out. But we all know that it has always been easier said than done. When you are confronted by two equally propitious options to make and it is fairly difficult to choose both, how do you choose?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Overcome
I have been overcome by my desire to be relocated overseas. Short of becoming of becoming obssessed with the idea of working abroad, I have not had a single moment since I came back from Australia that i have not dreamed of being there and doing the stuff that I would do if i was really there. I'd like to believe that by now, I have been able to master the wisdom of surrender but apparently, this case proves me wrong.
Its so difficult to let go of that which I want so much. This is probably the second time this year when I wanted something so badly that I feel a sickening stir in my stomach whenever I think about it. I welcome this as a challenge to my character and faith, one which has an elevated level of difficulty. Im sure I'll get through this, unscathed or otherwise is another issue. There is no doubt that I'll learn from this.
Its so difficult to let go of that which I want so much. This is probably the second time this year when I wanted something so badly that I feel a sickening stir in my stomach whenever I think about it. I welcome this as a challenge to my character and faith, one which has an elevated level of difficulty. Im sure I'll get through this, unscathed or otherwise is another issue. There is no doubt that I'll learn from this.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Any Better?
A few months back I was crawling and struggling because of a heartache. I can still vividly remember how painful the ordeal was. Fast forward to today, I asked myself, if God gives me a chance to go through it again, will I be better in handling it? I've lost two good friends through my own fault, and I never saw the intensity of the hurt until I was almost drowning in it. I have repeatedly asked myself could i have handled it any better?
Happy Birthday!
I woke up feeling excited for the day that is yet to unfold. I remember, albeit hazily, how it was when I turned 8 and 13yrs. old. And then of course reality knocked, it reminded me I just turned 27. It felt like there's still so much to discover, so many places to go to, a lot of great people to meet. I guess the only difference now is that I am more empowered to go after what I really want to do.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Looking back
For 26 Years in my life, I have experienced some good and bad; I've tasted successes and defeats; I was given my share of joys and sufferings and been through the fleeting moment of love and the excruciating pain of being broken-hearted. While these were mostly good moments to enjoy and look back at, some are undeniably greater than what I have expected for myself.
I'd like to think that in all of these, I have learned to become a better person. I would say that - taken off the lines from one of the movies I've just recently watched - I've become a better person not just because I have experience a lot but also more importantly because I am willing to learn more.
I have been blessed and still am being blessed with so much, even as I write this. Looking back at the moments in the 26 years of my life is overwhelmingly nostalgic and I can't help but feel happy and sad at the same time. Something inside of me, influenced by a culture of apathy, tells me that it's no big deal to turn another year older, because who doesn't grow old year after year? It's one of the most normal thing on Earth. But no, it's not just normal; it's a gift and therefore it's something special to be given another year.
The 26 years of my life was an advanced birthday present for my 27th. There's just no end to the gratitude that is in my heart for everything I have been given.
Here's to the marvelous 26 years of my life!
I'd like to think that in all of these, I have learned to become a better person. I would say that - taken off the lines from one of the movies I've just recently watched - I've become a better person not just because I have experience a lot but also more importantly because I am willing to learn more.
I have been blessed and still am being blessed with so much, even as I write this. Looking back at the moments in the 26 years of my life is overwhelmingly nostalgic and I can't help but feel happy and sad at the same time. Something inside of me, influenced by a culture of apathy, tells me that it's no big deal to turn another year older, because who doesn't grow old year after year? It's one of the most normal thing on Earth. But no, it's not just normal; it's a gift and therefore it's something special to be given another year.
The 26 years of my life was an advanced birthday present for my 27th. There's just no end to the gratitude that is in my heart for everything I have been given.
Here's to the marvelous 26 years of my life!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Birthday Wishes
We only get to have one chance a year to have what we call birthday wishes. I had this notion before that we are limited to ask for one, but as I add more years to my age, I've come to realize that I can wish and ask for as much as I would fancy; anyway, I believe that we are not limited in our choices; we limit ourselves.
We only get to have one chance a year to have what we call birthday wishes. I had this notion before that we are limited to ask for one, but as I add more years to my age, I've come to realize that I can wish and ask for as much as I would fancy; anyway, I believe that we are not limited in our choices; we limit ourselves.
1. I have long wanted a beautiful and clear world map. If ever I get to have a room of my own, I would have this map mounted on the widest wall in it. I first realized that I wanted to acquire one way back in college when we went to one of my friend's house and I saw in his room the map that I have envied to have. It has pins stuck on it probably to signify some sort of arrangement. I have not yet decided whether I want to have pins on it to signify the places where I have been or to indicate a more politically significant organization. If my resources would allow me, I would have more than one map.
2. The second material thing I would love to have for my birthday is a leather pen case. My fixation for this item dates back to the time when I received a leather pen case from a friend which I have painstakingly filled with some pretty expensive sign pens (at that time), different colored dermatographs and a pencil and an eraser. Stupid me, I left this priced possession in our tambayan and haven't found it since. I have not been able to get over the loss and I'm sure that only a replacement, either of the same or a better kind would help me move on.
3. I want to have not just different coloured post its but post its of different sizes, shapes, and uses. Its an acquired taste influenced by obssessive-complusive or sometimes simply just organize-freak friends. When you are surrounded by people who worry about the chaos in their own little and big work spaces, whether its at home or at work, you can't help but be like them as well.
4. I want to have cd cases. The ones which I can carry with me, one for files and one for music.
The following would be a list of what I want in my life, wishes which concerns not only me but basically the people who are important to me.
5. I wish I would get the job in CAU. Its a pretty big thing to ask for, as it entails relocation and being away with my family and friends; my comfort for the longest time. I feel that I am ready for this.
6. I wish my dad would finally be able to overcome his depression and grief over the death of my mom. We, my siblings and I, have not had a smooth sailing relationship with our dad. We have had to deal with his tantrums, his insecurities, demands, and expectations. Its like he chose not to move on. He has rejected advises and has kept on insisting that the world has turned its back on him, particularly, he despises the people who he had helped before because they are not helping now. Its been a difficult journey for him and consequently for us because he refuses to let go of his expectations of the world.
7. This is probably the most serious wish I have for my birthday. I not only wish but pray for discernment that I may find the vocation I am supposed to live my life with. If I should be married, I pray for the man who I would be able to complement and more importantly share my valued faith. A person who loves my God more than he loves me. Should I be destined to live a religious or single-blessed life, I pray that I find the best occupation and contribution so that I not only serve the people around me but more importantly give back to God what is rightfully His, which is the best of me.
We only get to have one chance a year to have what we call birthday wishes. I had this notion before that we are limited to ask for one, but as I add more years to my age, I've come to realize that I can wish and ask for as much as I would fancy; anyway, I believe that we are not limited in our choices; we limit ourselves.
1. I have long wanted a beautiful and clear world map. If ever I get to have a room of my own, I would have this map mounted on the widest wall in it. I first realized that I wanted to acquire one way back in college when we went to one of my friend's house and I saw in his room the map that I have envied to have. It has pins stuck on it probably to signify some sort of arrangement. I have not yet decided whether I want to have pins on it to signify the places where I have been or to indicate a more politically significant organization. If my resources would allow me, I would have more than one map.
2. The second material thing I would love to have for my birthday is a leather pen case. My fixation for this item dates back to the time when I received a leather pen case from a friend which I have painstakingly filled with some pretty expensive sign pens (at that time), different colored dermatographs and a pencil and an eraser. Stupid me, I left this priced possession in our tambayan and haven't found it since. I have not been able to get over the loss and I'm sure that only a replacement, either of the same or a better kind would help me move on.
3. I want to have not just different coloured post its but post its of different sizes, shapes, and uses. Its an acquired taste influenced by obssessive-complusive or sometimes simply just organize-freak friends. When you are surrounded by people who worry about the chaos in their own little and big work spaces, whether its at home or at work, you can't help but be like them as well.
4. I want to have cd cases. The ones which I can carry with me, one for files and one for music.
The following would be a list of what I want in my life, wishes which concerns not only me but basically the people who are important to me.
5. I wish I would get the job in CAU. Its a pretty big thing to ask for, as it entails relocation and being away with my family and friends; my comfort for the longest time. I feel that I am ready for this.
6. I wish my dad would finally be able to overcome his depression and grief over the death of my mom. We, my siblings and I, have not had a smooth sailing relationship with our dad. We have had to deal with his tantrums, his insecurities, demands, and expectations. Its like he chose not to move on. He has rejected advises and has kept on insisting that the world has turned its back on him, particularly, he despises the people who he had helped before because they are not helping now. Its been a difficult journey for him and consequently for us because he refuses to let go of his expectations of the world.
7. This is probably the most serious wish I have for my birthday. I not only wish but pray for discernment that I may find the vocation I am supposed to live my life with. If I should be married, I pray for the man who I would be able to complement and more importantly share my valued faith. A person who loves my God more than he loves me. Should I be destined to live a religious or single-blessed life, I pray that I find the best occupation and contribution so that I not only serve the people around me but more importantly give back to God what is rightfully His, which is the best of me.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Overcome
I am overcome by fear of the uncertain. I feel the pain of the difficulties suffered by those close to me. I know somehow I have mastered the ability to control my reactions to events taking place, but as they say, even the strong has their weak moments. And this is exactly where I am right now.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Alive
It's been quite a while. The tide has passed. Im ready to move on. No more hurt. There is less pain.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Almost
Not so long ago, I was at it. I thought that I was bound to be loved in return the way I expected it. I assumed too much and that's why I got hurt. The storm has gone past and I am almost done picking up the pieces that scattered when it ravaged my relatively peaceful existence.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Not knowing any better
I carry mixed emotions when it comes to issues on love and relationship. I really do not have much to say except that in this field, I am undoubtedly inexperienced. I sometimes feel a pang of envy on those who are currently with someone and those who do not seem to have any difficulty finding a new affair after the end of the previous one. And yet I am also hopeful that despite the wait, the right person will find its way to my doorstep.
It is almost impossible to evade the question of why I have had no significant other for quite sometime given my age. Its true that come family reunions, the night will not end without multiple questions on my lack of partner or even the fact that I never had one for 10 years. Well at least for me, there was once a time when I was with someone, but that's to be discussed some other time. While the youth squander their opportunities by giving in to the heat of the moment, I never haven't been given the chance to even enjoy the comforts of a relationship with the opposite sex - in a level more than just being friends. Nobody would argue that I am in a hurry. For not having a partner for close to ten years can be considered taking too much time on my own.
When I'm with my fellow single friends, we laugh about how the world and our lives seemed to have progressed; we graduated with honors, have gone to places, achieved quite remarkable distinctions, moved up the corporate ladder and some other kind of ladders, cried hard, partied harder - all but have a true relationship with a true partner. Our tendency is to rationalize our situation and believe that the right moment has not yet arrived for our perfect partners to reveal themselves. When one of our friends retired from our state of single-blessedness, it became a reason to celebrate with cheesecake. I don't really know why cheesecake; I was not part of the original tandems who thought of it; I can only think that at that time my friends are craving for cheesecakes. At present, of the four who usually joke about the lack of a significant other, two have moved one and is getting ready to tie the knot by next year. The other two, A.LO and I, are still conquering other worlds, and climbing our chosen ladders, albeit without the partners that we all have dreamed of.
Smacks of bitterness? I would like to think that I am way past that stage. I think I am now on the what-if-stage - trying to imagine scenarios I would have liked to happen with me and my partner, as well as the part when I would have to confront the reality of being single for the rest of my days. I think that I don't have any reasons for being bitter because looking back, I can't remember anytime when I would have let an opportunity pass. There was none in so far as I am concerned. That's even when I assumed most of the time about hidden desires of friends and acquaintances.
So after reprimanding some of my friends with how they have managed and run their relationships; after one, young, failed love; and endless advises to friends besieged with the dilemma of confronting boyfriends or would-be boyfriends, I must confess - for the purpose of setting the record straight and keeping expectations at bay - that I do not know much about relationship with the opposite sex. Learning more about it might be one of the most daunting tasks especially if you don't have someone to learn it with.
learning is one..
finding the one is another..
It is almost impossible to evade the question of why I have had no significant other for quite sometime given my age. Its true that come family reunions, the night will not end without multiple questions on my lack of partner or even the fact that I never had one for 10 years. Well at least for me, there was once a time when I was with someone, but that's to be discussed some other time. While the youth squander their opportunities by giving in to the heat of the moment, I never haven't been given the chance to even enjoy the comforts of a relationship with the opposite sex - in a level more than just being friends. Nobody would argue that I am in a hurry. For not having a partner for close to ten years can be considered taking too much time on my own.
When I'm with my fellow single friends, we laugh about how the world and our lives seemed to have progressed; we graduated with honors, have gone to places, achieved quite remarkable distinctions, moved up the corporate ladder and some other kind of ladders, cried hard, partied harder - all but have a true relationship with a true partner. Our tendency is to rationalize our situation and believe that the right moment has not yet arrived for our perfect partners to reveal themselves. When one of our friends retired from our state of single-blessedness, it became a reason to celebrate with cheesecake. I don't really know why cheesecake; I was not part of the original tandems who thought of it; I can only think that at that time my friends are craving for cheesecakes. At present, of the four who usually joke about the lack of a significant other, two have moved one and is getting ready to tie the knot by next year. The other two, A.LO and I, are still conquering other worlds, and climbing our chosen ladders, albeit without the partners that we all have dreamed of.
Smacks of bitterness? I would like to think that I am way past that stage. I think I am now on the what-if-stage - trying to imagine scenarios I would have liked to happen with me and my partner, as well as the part when I would have to confront the reality of being single for the rest of my days. I think that I don't have any reasons for being bitter because looking back, I can't remember anytime when I would have let an opportunity pass. There was none in so far as I am concerned. That's even when I assumed most of the time about hidden desires of friends and acquaintances.
So after reprimanding some of my friends with how they have managed and run their relationships; after one, young, failed love; and endless advises to friends besieged with the dilemma of confronting boyfriends or would-be boyfriends, I must confess - for the purpose of setting the record straight and keeping expectations at bay - that I do not know much about relationship with the opposite sex. Learning more about it might be one of the most daunting tasks especially if you don't have someone to learn it with.
learning is one..
finding the one is another..
Friday, April 18, 2008
Standing on my own
I am usually swayed with my decisions especially if the people around me carries a different opinion compared to what I have. No matter how rigorous my defense is for my own decisions, for some reason, how others present their thoughts sounds more logical than my own. After quite some time, I have found myself unperturbed with the decision I have made. My friends would say that I might have been too harsh to demand the honesty I expect when come to think of it, it was fairly difficult to be in her shoes as well. Even if I have given her my word that I will not mind seeing them together, it still does not make it any easier on her part to simply tell me that she has fallen for him.
Fair. True. But still does not justify that I do not have the right to feel betrayed.
If we are to place ourselves in the position of another everytime we make decisions, everytime we pass on judgments - it may make us more compassionate but still does not take away the fact that we might suffer - and suffer harshly at that.
I will be firm on this until my resolve runs out; until I have completely erased from memory the friendship I once had.
Fair. True. But still does not justify that I do not have the right to feel betrayed.
If we are to place ourselves in the position of another everytime we make decisions, everytime we pass on judgments - it may make us more compassionate but still does not take away the fact that we might suffer - and suffer harshly at that.
I will be firm on this until my resolve runs out; until I have completely erased from memory the friendship I once had.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Disappear
I want to forget and never to remember ever that you have touched my life that you were once part of me. I want to turn my back on the memories that we shared to forget the pain you have caused me. I want you to disappear and never to return again. If I speak of bitterness, its something that not only you have to take, but realize that it is with me every single waking day. And no amount of recompense nor amends can lessen the hurt you have caused me -whether intended or not.
I don't want you to feel pity. I dont want you to feel anything. There is no reason why you should for you are no longer related to me except in the most civil way possible. We are no more than persons who happen to work in the same company, same building, same room. I will never look at the two of you in the same way again. Actually, I will try not to look at you ever, until I completely and totally forget everything that we shared together. If its any consolation, think that you didnt lose much, it is I who have decided and its a bitter pill that I need to swallow no matter how hard.
I pray that the day will come when no trace of your memory lives in me. I look forward to the day when I no longer have to look away when I see you. I dream of that day when I would not have anything against you or in favor of you; when I regard you no more than the average stranger on the street.
Lastly, I dream of that day when no pain will haunt me, no memory will surface, enough to make me realize that I can be friends with you again.
I don't want you to feel pity. I dont want you to feel anything. There is no reason why you should for you are no longer related to me except in the most civil way possible. We are no more than persons who happen to work in the same company, same building, same room. I will never look at the two of you in the same way again. Actually, I will try not to look at you ever, until I completely and totally forget everything that we shared together. If its any consolation, think that you didnt lose much, it is I who have decided and its a bitter pill that I need to swallow no matter how hard.
I pray that the day will come when no trace of your memory lives in me. I look forward to the day when I no longer have to look away when I see you. I dream of that day when I would not have anything against you or in favor of you; when I regard you no more than the average stranger on the street.
Lastly, I dream of that day when no pain will haunt me, no memory will surface, enough to make me realize that I can be friends with you again.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I belong with the stars
One time I had belly dancing with the once famous Viva Hot Babes - some of them might still be famous individually; I came across Jon Avila while I was at the gym - this happened twice; I have two officemates who play in a band who I think will become the next big thing in the pinoy band scene; I am friends with the son of a famous member of a phenomenal singing trio in the country; I happen to be orgmates with one of the correspondent of a youth-oriented talk show; and the list could go on.
I have always felt in my heart that the stars and the gods have ordained me since birth to be one with them and these are the signs that strengthens my conviction. Probably my time has not yet come, but I'm sure the moment will come when its my time to take the centerstage and grace the limelight.
This not day dreaming. This is my destiny. Think of me as crazy, but I know I'm not just a norm (I don't believe in the first place that anybody should accept they are a norm, except when they believe they are and that's all they can be), I am gonna be IT one time in my life. And when that time comes, it will never end. I will live among the stars - I will be one of them.
I have always felt in my heart that the stars and the gods have ordained me since birth to be one with them and these are the signs that strengthens my conviction. Probably my time has not yet come, but I'm sure the moment will come when its my time to take the centerstage and grace the limelight.
This not day dreaming. This is my destiny. Think of me as crazy, but I know I'm not just a norm (I don't believe in the first place that anybody should accept they are a norm, except when they believe they are and that's all they can be), I am gonna be IT one time in my life. And when that time comes, it will never end. I will live among the stars - I will be one of them.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Cool Conviction
After mass, I was walking home with my youngest brother and I wanted to take advantage of the moment to build some rapport with him, and so I popped the question, "Musta na kayo ng girlfriend mo?"
To this he replied non-chalantly, "Ayun, nakahanap ng mass pangit sa akin.."
Ahlavet. Simple, short, convicted.
To this he replied non-chalantly, "Ayun, nakahanap ng mass pangit sa akin.."
Ahlavet. Simple, short, convicted.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Goodbye deb8er2000
After eight full years, deb8er2000 succumb to the menace of an unknown virus.
The event caught me by surprise. One moment, I was opening a page, then too many windows opened up with undecipherable characters, and then people started popping out messages saying deb8er2000 contracted a virus.
I can't believe I became a victim. I had to send out messages to all of my online friends about the untimely demise of my ym and the birth, rather the re-birth of a new one - albeit it has long existed, I am now forced to use the long dormant ladygailey. I have a few friends who know of that identity, but I guess I have no other option but to introduce it to the world.
Well come to think of it, this came in time with the current mood I am in. Change is good, as Tam would put it. I must admit, there's something awkward with deb8er2000. Its like I'm hiding behind something, trying to be who I am not. This calls for further reflection.
I have come to love and enjoy ladygailey. I feel like I'm one with myself. I feel at home.
Welcome back ladygailey!
The event caught me by surprise. One moment, I was opening a page, then too many windows opened up with undecipherable characters, and then people started popping out messages saying deb8er2000 contracted a virus.
I can't believe I became a victim. I had to send out messages to all of my online friends about the untimely demise of my ym and the birth, rather the re-birth of a new one - albeit it has long existed, I am now forced to use the long dormant ladygailey. I have a few friends who know of that identity, but I guess I have no other option but to introduce it to the world.
Well come to think of it, this came in time with the current mood I am in. Change is good, as Tam would put it. I must admit, there's something awkward with deb8er2000. Its like I'm hiding behind something, trying to be who I am not. This calls for further reflection.
I have come to love and enjoy ladygailey. I feel like I'm one with myself. I feel at home.
Welcome back ladygailey!
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Tunog Kalye
That has got to be best month-ender experience I've been to by far! It just tops the chart.
Despite the chaos brought by the interfaith rally in Ayala, the fickle-mindedness of our companions in our agreed rendezvous, and a lethargic state of mind, Phil and I went on to fulfill our plan of attending the gig of Goodbye Tracy, armed with only one goal in mind - to have fun. Have fun we did. This is the first time that I went out with Phil and the first time I watched a gig of random bands in a second-time venue I've been to - one that holds quite a memorable first time as well. Both of us didn't know what to expect, except that we will be watching Goodbye Tracy play and probably go home around 10 or 11pm at the latest.
What was supposed to be a ho-hum night out turn out to be one of the most exciting and enjoyable evening. Phil and I order 6 beers expecting that we will not be able to finish all of them but lo and behold, they were all consumed even before the band we were expecting took their turn on the stage. I must say that I've been becoming quite tolerant of beer and I never got to a point of having to hold the rails while walking. I got a cd from tunog kalye, 103.5 Max FM, something which earned me a hug and kiss from one of the most beautiful creature in the planet, DJ Drey. YEah, I did not deserve the cd but hey, I summed up the courage to go upstage and make a fool out of myself for not being able to remember one of the bands in the cd. I did not pretend I know but good thing, Sgt. Pepper and DJ Drey were quite good sports.
The performance of the band was way far better than most of the bands who took the stage. I enjoyed Itchy worms and Silent Sanctuary next to Goodbye Tracy, of course. Most importantly, I enjoyed DJ Drey. Hahaha.
Thanks Phil for the camera and the company.
I am now a convert. From now on, my frequency will be set from the extreme end of 88.3 and the not so distant 103.5. I'm going to have to say goodbye to mellow.
I'm going to be singing Neyo's "..so sick of love songs, so tired of tears, so done with wishing you were still here. Sad Im so sick with love songs...". HAHAHA. I am being released from the bondage of love.
A new day beckons the closure of a chapter in my life. I press towards the goal. Without asking for it, he has just earned himself a prayer warrior.
Please let us be friends.
Goodbye Tracy -
Sa 'yong mga palad
Silip
Despite the chaos brought by the interfaith rally in Ayala, the fickle-mindedness of our companions in our agreed rendezvous, and a lethargic state of mind, Phil and I went on to fulfill our plan of attending the gig of Goodbye Tracy, armed with only one goal in mind - to have fun. Have fun we did. This is the first time that I went out with Phil and the first time I watched a gig of random bands in a second-time venue I've been to - one that holds quite a memorable first time as well. Both of us didn't know what to expect, except that we will be watching Goodbye Tracy play and probably go home around 10 or 11pm at the latest.
What was supposed to be a ho-hum night out turn out to be one of the most exciting and enjoyable evening. Phil and I order 6 beers expecting that we will not be able to finish all of them but lo and behold, they were all consumed even before the band we were expecting took their turn on the stage. I must say that I've been becoming quite tolerant of beer and I never got to a point of having to hold the rails while walking. I got a cd from tunog kalye, 103.5 Max FM, something which earned me a hug and kiss from one of the most beautiful creature in the planet, DJ Drey. YEah, I did not deserve the cd but hey, I summed up the courage to go upstage and make a fool out of myself for not being able to remember one of the bands in the cd. I did not pretend I know but good thing, Sgt. Pepper and DJ Drey were quite good sports.
The performance of the band was way far better than most of the bands who took the stage. I enjoyed Itchy worms and Silent Sanctuary next to Goodbye Tracy, of course. Most importantly, I enjoyed DJ Drey. Hahaha.
Thanks Phil for the camera and the company.
I am now a convert. From now on, my frequency will be set from the extreme end of 88.3 and the not so distant 103.5. I'm going to have to say goodbye to mellow.
I'm going to be singing Neyo's "..so sick of love songs, so tired of tears, so done with wishing you were still here. Sad Im so sick with love songs...". HAHAHA. I am being released from the bondage of love.
A new day beckons the closure of a chapter in my life. I press towards the goal. Without asking for it, he has just earned himself a prayer warrior.
Please let us be friends.
Goodbye Tracy -
Sa 'yong mga palad
Silip
Thursday, February 28, 2008
In summary
This basically sums up the current state I am in...
....there comes a point in our lives when the heart grows tired - It grows numb from hate, it stops beating for love, it runs out of compassion, it doesn't soften from pain but not because of insensitivity but because it simply wants to move on and live an uncomplicated life...
I'm freakin' tired and I don't know if anyone will ever be able to understand.
I don't feel hopeless though.
...and yet again I digress.
....there comes a point in our lives when the heart grows tired - It grows numb from hate, it stops beating for love, it runs out of compassion, it doesn't soften from pain but not because of insensitivity but because it simply wants to move on and live an uncomplicated life...
I'm freakin' tired and I don't know if anyone will ever be able to understand.
I don't feel hopeless though.
...and yet again I digress.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Convenient Excuses
Let me be grateful for a life outside of work.
Because I've been busy with cleaning up my online life - something which has seriously caught my attention this past week - I have found a convenient excuse to run away from that which I want to run away from.
The gym, apart from being just a workout place, has also now become one of best places where I can find comfort and solace. Still is part of the greater scheme called running away.
The best place though, the one that tops the chart is the church. The Greenbelt Chapel to be specific. I'd say this is quite self-explanatory.
And yes, connected to the first point, the internet shop. Whether the one that comes before the hardware store or the one after the flower shop is really not much of an issue. As long as it allows me to update my blog, check my mails, read new matter, or simply just gloss over the photos of friends whose lives might be breezing smoothly through. I'm sure I'm wrong on this one. Maybe not.
I thought I'd never find acceptable justification for excuses. aahlavet.
Because I've been busy with cleaning up my online life - something which has seriously caught my attention this past week - I have found a convenient excuse to run away from that which I want to run away from.
The gym, apart from being just a workout place, has also now become one of best places where I can find comfort and solace. Still is part of the greater scheme called running away.
The best place though, the one that tops the chart is the church. The Greenbelt Chapel to be specific. I'd say this is quite self-explanatory.
And yes, connected to the first point, the internet shop. Whether the one that comes before the hardware store or the one after the flower shop is really not much of an issue. As long as it allows me to update my blog, check my mails, read new matter, or simply just gloss over the photos of friends whose lives might be breezing smoothly through. I'm sure I'm wrong on this one. Maybe not.
I thought I'd never find acceptable justification for excuses. aahlavet.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Numb
I prayed
And a black cloak was given
It consumed everything
the cold, the heat, the rain
even the pain
It resisted the sunlight
but it afforded me to breath
I was warned
Just like the glass shoes of Cinderella
it is here temporarily
"So master what you need
to master, it said
For when I go
everything will come running
towards you
They will try to consume you
I am here
because you cannot be lost
But you are neither found
Even you will seek the answers
they will throw
and nothing will be known, yet"
"I will absorb the tears
And they will see only
what you want them to see
They will never know
what is underneath me
Only those whose power
you have given
will understand
And will know
For their understanding
might be used against you
Ignorance is bliss
For you
For them
I heard him said one day,
You will not be hurt anymore
without your collaboration.
I say,
you will not give them
the power over you
The black cloak is steady
it numbs me.
There is nothing more to ask..
And a black cloak was given
It consumed everything
the cold, the heat, the rain
even the pain
It resisted the sunlight
but it afforded me to breath
I was warned
Just like the glass shoes of Cinderella
it is here temporarily
"So master what you need
to master, it said
For when I go
everything will come running
towards you
They will try to consume you
I am here
because you cannot be lost
But you are neither found
Even you will seek the answers
they will throw
and nothing will be known, yet"
"I will absorb the tears
And they will see only
what you want them to see
They will never know
what is underneath me
Only those whose power
you have given
will understand
And will know
For their understanding
might be used against you
Ignorance is bliss
For you
For them
I heard him said one day,
You will not be hurt anymore
without your collaboration.
I say,
you will not give them
the power over you
The black cloak is steady
it numbs me.
There is nothing more to ask..
Saturday, February 23, 2008
....
The world keeps on spinning
flowers and trees rejoice,
swaying at the greeting of spring
Even the color of autumn
speaks so much of bright hues
The seed doesn't seem to mind
It remains unmoved
While the roots cut deeper
it remains unmoved, oblivious
White is dominant
Seem is what they see
And seem is how the seed
wants it to be
for the world will dance
and will not stop to watch
the see grow
They will see
they will rejoice
but they will not know
they will never comprehend
what pains the seed
will have to suffer
to become a tree...
flowers and trees rejoice,
swaying at the greeting of spring
Even the color of autumn
speaks so much of bright hues
The seed doesn't seem to mind
It remains unmoved
While the roots cut deeper
it remains unmoved, oblivious
White is dominant
Seem is what they see
And seem is how the seed
wants it to be
for the world will dance
and will not stop to watch
the see grow
They will see
they will rejoice
but they will not know
they will never comprehend
what pains the seed
will have to suffer
to become a tree...
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Changing tunes..changing lines
I'd say I've had enough.
Though I can't keep the tide from rushing in every once in a while; though keeping a straight face is definitely not my piece of cake; though zipping my lips and keeping the words from coming out is not my forte - I'm gonna have to learn to master it.
Lesson learned: less talk. less mistake. Learned that the hard way.
But oh yes, there's more. But since I'm changing my tune, I'm gonna have to find a way to make them fit the new arrangement*.
Here's to less talk. More like rock..
Though I can't keep the tide from rushing in every once in a while; though keeping a straight face is definitely not my piece of cake; though zipping my lips and keeping the words from coming out is not my forte - I'm gonna have to learn to master it.
Lesson learned: less talk. less mistake. Learned that the hard way.
But oh yes, there's more. But since I'm changing my tune, I'm gonna have to find a way to make them fit the new arrangement*.
Here's to less talk. More like rock..
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
My lips will be sealed
..for they should never know.
The root cause of all my disasters - it's me and my big mouth. The drama queen..too much melancholy..too much emotion. Makes me look uncool. AT least let me attempt to do what I have been trying to achieve for the longest time - just cannot find the right mix. There seems to be a lot of concoction for being one.
I like what Julius said. "WE live in a linear world; whether we like it or not, moving forward is inevitable."
I'd say we put more control in that thought. For those who will be runover by decisions I need to make, my sincerest apologies.
For now, I'd say, nothing personal. I'd quote another friend who I just recently had the chance to talk to. Distance is the quintessential key to survival.
Thanks to the guy who rarely speaks. Did i get it right?
The root cause of all my disasters - it's me and my big mouth. The drama queen..too much melancholy..too much emotion. Makes me look uncool. AT least let me attempt to do what I have been trying to achieve for the longest time - just cannot find the right mix. There seems to be a lot of concoction for being one.
I like what Julius said. "WE live in a linear world; whether we like it or not, moving forward is inevitable."
I'd say we put more control in that thought. For those who will be runover by decisions I need to make, my sincerest apologies.
For now, I'd say, nothing personal. I'd quote another friend who I just recently had the chance to talk to. Distance is the quintessential key to survival.
Thanks to the guy who rarely speaks. Did i get it right?
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Dazed
I have written some thoughts which I had hoped I could post online. Thinking about it though, i feel that most of them are too personal to be read by the world. Albeit this is my personal space in this wide wide web, the audacity, not to mention the drama in it, does not deserve online attention. They are for the most part my most honest and unadulterated thoughts for quite some time.
I just came from Starbucks wih my officemates and earlier, some sort of dinner get-together for a friend who just arrived from Australia. Felt awkward in the transition of crowds. While I was delightfully jubilant reconnecting with old friends from my college years, I felt awkward with what I have I witnessed in Starbucks. Gentleness, mutual understanding (?) - I hear bitterness?
AS I have promised to myself, I shall not speak of this until I have resolved my issues.
Ambivalence is the prevailing emotion. I am at lost for words. A good friend advised me just recently to carefully choose those whom I will trust. Painful as it may seem, I may really have start practicing it.
I have run out of confidants, except for one who I would like to think is patiently hanging on. Guess I am really on my own now. Not that bad, I must say. Its a change from the old life. AS Tam once said, "Change is good".
THen so be it....
...felt funny that the song running in my mind is Neyo's "Sexy Love".
I just came from Starbucks wih my officemates and earlier, some sort of dinner get-together for a friend who just arrived from Australia. Felt awkward in the transition of crowds. While I was delightfully jubilant reconnecting with old friends from my college years, I felt awkward with what I have I witnessed in Starbucks. Gentleness, mutual understanding (?) - I hear bitterness?
AS I have promised to myself, I shall not speak of this until I have resolved my issues.
Ambivalence is the prevailing emotion. I am at lost for words. A good friend advised me just recently to carefully choose those whom I will trust. Painful as it may seem, I may really have start practicing it.
I have run out of confidants, except for one who I would like to think is patiently hanging on. Guess I am really on my own now. Not that bad, I must say. Its a change from the old life. AS Tam once said, "Change is good".
THen so be it....
...felt funny that the song running in my mind is Neyo's "Sexy Love".
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
I choose to love in silence
I have always been outspoken and vocal about my thoughts and emotions. I am not the type of person who will sit around and wait for someone to read me and ask me what's wrong. I proactively offer my thoughts to other people and tell them what's wrong. In the first place I am not that hard to read. One would know something is bugging me because I cannot hide it. Its written all over me: in my eyes, in my face, in the lack of smile and the silence you'll hear from me.
But now I feel the need to keep silent. I feel the need to be alone with thoughts. I feel the need to refuse to talk about this. Because I feel the need to run away. I think I have said so much in the past few days - in the last month. There are quite a few who knows what I am going through and I feel that its time for me to keep still.
I choose to love in silence and decided not to let him know because as one of my friend says, I don't want to be an option. I don't want to be an event - just another event in his life. I don't want him to know that he has me because I never chose him. I never wanted him before. I didn't know this was coming.
He was the only choice I have. I had nothing else apart from him. It was as if he was force-fed into me. So for me to give him the benefit of having an option is unfair. Because I know I deserve to be more than an option. I have to be the choice. The only choice.
He did not intend for me to fall because he never wanted to catch me in the first place. But I did, and I am trying to pick myself up. I may be doing this for the first time and I don't know to what extent I will be able to hold this up. But I want to be still and I want to be silent.
For now.
But now I feel the need to keep silent. I feel the need to be alone with thoughts. I feel the need to refuse to talk about this. Because I feel the need to run away. I think I have said so much in the past few days - in the last month. There are quite a few who knows what I am going through and I feel that its time for me to keep still.
I choose to love in silence and decided not to let him know because as one of my friend says, I don't want to be an option. I don't want to be an event - just another event in his life. I don't want him to know that he has me because I never chose him. I never wanted him before. I didn't know this was coming.
He was the only choice I have. I had nothing else apart from him. It was as if he was force-fed into me. So for me to give him the benefit of having an option is unfair. Because I know I deserve to be more than an option. I have to be the choice. The only choice.
He did not intend for me to fall because he never wanted to catch me in the first place. But I did, and I am trying to pick myself up. I may be doing this for the first time and I don't know to what extent I will be able to hold this up. But I want to be still and I want to be silent.
For now.
Monday, January 14, 2008
When Shit Happens I dont want to hear...
1. OK lng yan, Kaya mo yan or ok ka lang ba?
2. Ganyan talaga ang buhay
3. Maybe you are not destined to be for each other or You will find someone better or he's not your match
4. Lalake lang yan maraming lalake dyan.
2. Ganyan talaga ang buhay
3. Maybe you are not destined to be for each other or You will find someone better or he's not your match
4. Lalake lang yan maraming lalake dyan.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Happy
I realized that when I am praying, I am happiest the most when I get to the part when I start praying for him. I have been praying to God to allow my heart to let him go and let him love according to HIs will. I have asked that I be allowed to just love him unselfishly. And that means being at peace with the fact that he will never be able to like me the way that I like him.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Would you rather.....
Pain makes us give bad decisions; fear of pain makes us equally incapable of making sound ones. - Dr. House
..the question is, would you rather be in pain or always fear it?
Friday, January 04, 2008
Moving on
I want to move on..
My heart wants me to believe in what I want to happen But my mind wants to protect my heart so it tries to deny what the heart is saying.
I want to make my Mind stronger. I have to.
==============================================================================
Thoughts for the day
1. We must never analyze the actions of men. They mean nothing.
2. The best way of getting over someone is getting under a new one --> Not my thought, heard this in the pantry.
3. Make your personal sufferings redemptive. They are intended for something greater.
My heart wants me to believe in what I want to happen But my mind wants to protect my heart so it tries to deny what the heart is saying.
I want to make my Mind stronger. I have to.
==============================================================================
Thoughts for the day
1. We must never analyze the actions of men. They mean nothing.
2. The best way of getting over someone is getting under a new one --> Not my thought, heard this in the pantry.
3. Make your personal sufferings redemptive. They are intended for something greater.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Worth It
I was suppose to write something about my migraine attack. I just thought I'd write this down first.
===========================================================
People complain about dwindling funds, time spent on some leisurely or not-so-leisurely activity, and even effort exerted for a cause. They whine about having spent so much on a particular item or just how time consuming their affairs were. But when I asked them, "did you enjoy what you have just done?", they answer affirmatively. Its not a secret; People has this tendency to count the stuff they lose instead of looking at what was left and what was gained. I sometimes fail to understand as well, why even after having enjoyed what they have done, people tend to be sad about becoming poor again - having less funds to disburse, I guess; having less time to spend doing more - when in fact they never really lost anything; they have gained more.
My point is, when you can genuinely say that you've enjoyed what you have used your funds for and when you think it has helped you become a better person in the process, what was lost to you is worth it.
Although of course it still doesn't erase the fact that you no more have funds to spend again.
=====================================================================
Thank Erika for Excedrin. She gave me a bottle which contains around 20 tablets more or less to fight off migraine when it attacks. It's miracle takes effect in less than two hours from the time I gulp it in.
Thank God for medicines. bow.
===========================================================
People complain about dwindling funds, time spent on some leisurely or not-so-leisurely activity, and even effort exerted for a cause. They whine about having spent so much on a particular item or just how time consuming their affairs were. But when I asked them, "did you enjoy what you have just done?", they answer affirmatively. Its not a secret; People has this tendency to count the stuff they lose instead of looking at what was left and what was gained. I sometimes fail to understand as well, why even after having enjoyed what they have done, people tend to be sad about becoming poor again - having less funds to disburse, I guess; having less time to spend doing more - when in fact they never really lost anything; they have gained more.
My point is, when you can genuinely say that you've enjoyed what you have used your funds for and when you think it has helped you become a better person in the process, what was lost to you is worth it.
Although of course it still doesn't erase the fact that you no more have funds to spend again.
=====================================================================
Thank Erika for Excedrin. She gave me a bottle which contains around 20 tablets more or less to fight off migraine when it attacks. It's miracle takes effect in less than two hours from the time I gulp it in.
Thank God for medicines. bow.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
New Year's entry
Inspired by: Catch me I'm fallin' - Toni Gonzaga
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
I don’t know why
but when i look in your eyes
I feel something that seems so right
You’ve got yours i’ve got mine
I think i’m losing my mind
'Cause i shouldn’t feel this way
Catch me i’m falling for you
And i don’t know what to do
How can something so wrong
Feel so right all along?
Catch me i’m falling for you
How can time be so wrong
For love to come along?
Catch me i’m falling for you
How can love let it go
When it has no place to go
And i can’t go along pretending
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me i’m falling for you ooh ooh
I am opening the year with welcome heartache (I can say that openly!). I have every intention to move on but I will take my time and will talk myself out of this. My boss said that I should stop analyzing and just accept there is nothing going on in his side of the coin. Fine. That is what I have been trying to make myself believe, until this very moment. I'm happy I'm not as depressed as before. There are a lot of realizations and a lot of things to look forward to.
You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart.....
And I am getting it back.
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
I don’t know why
but when i look in your eyes
I feel something that seems so right
You’ve got yours i’ve got mine
I think i’m losing my mind
'Cause i shouldn’t feel this way
Catch me i’m falling for you
And i don’t know what to do
How can something so wrong
Feel so right all along?
Catch me i’m falling for you
How can time be so wrong
For love to come along?
Catch me i’m falling for you
How can love let it go
When it has no place to go
And i can’t go along pretending
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me i’m falling for you ooh ooh
I am opening the year with welcome heartache (I can say that openly!). I have every intention to move on but I will take my time and will talk myself out of this. My boss said that I should stop analyzing and just accept there is nothing going on in his side of the coin. Fine. That is what I have been trying to make myself believe, until this very moment. I'm happy I'm not as depressed as before. There are a lot of realizations and a lot of things to look forward to.
You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart.....
And I am getting it back.
No need to lose Christmas weight
I did not gain any. I was listening to a radio station and their main topic for conversation was how to lose the weight gained during the holidays. I smiled at the thought that that's the least of my worries. If anything, I shed some pounds. Not that there were no food to enjoy (come to think of it, we had a little less than a feast last Christmas), I was just not ready for the holidays; I was preoccupied with another thing - to say the least. Most of my jeans got a bit loose and now I have to keep on pulling them up to keep them where they should hang.
Going to through a heartbreak during the holidays is not the most convenient and might be a masochistic way of loosing the pounds but I guess it still has a positive effect on the body. Don't get me wrong, I am not elated that I haven't gained weight during the holidays. If I am to choose, I'd rather have this dilemma of shrinking back to my old body size than going through a heartbreak.
It was a funny and teary holiday though.
Going to through a heartbreak during the holidays is not the most convenient and might be a masochistic way of loosing the pounds but I guess it still has a positive effect on the body. Don't get me wrong, I am not elated that I haven't gained weight during the holidays. If I am to choose, I'd rather have this dilemma of shrinking back to my old body size than going through a heartbreak.
It was a funny and teary holiday though.
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