I thought i wouldn't enjoy the 930 to 630 shift. Ever since i got on the floor, my shift has never endedd later than 4pm. Surprisingly, i started the day unhurried. I went about my usual routine, which is not much - taking a bath and dressing up, plus a new addition - eating breakfast. As expected, the lrt has not been friendlier, though i had the chance to take a seat three stations where I was about to get off. It was still cloudy when I left home. I just had this intuition that things will not be as hurried today or will not be as bad and stressful.
True enough, the day went by with a breeze, no hard calls nor too irate callers. Even my team mates noticed my good mood. The positive energy was even complemented by the heartwarming news of my team mate when her boyfriend from canada came here just to celebrate her birthday with her. Pag-ibig nga naman....nakakakilig...parang teleserye pero ito ng totoong buhay..wehehehe..
Cor treated us with pizza with the prize money she received from winning second place as best in costume during the center's halloween celebration. our team had a good time, at least those who were left until early evening. WE shared good laugh and conversation. It was one of the best times i've had so far with my team mates. There are more to come.
Thank you God for the wonderful day. I felt so blessed and thank you for making me realize the good in my schedule today.. thank you for making this day light and thank you for enriching my life with the presence of my friends. I dont think i've had this feeling since I started with this work and I simply grateful for allowing me to feel this way. To you I give back all the glory. May Your name be praised!
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005
100 years
Its a common phenomenon for people about to celebrate their birthdays to be melancholic as they contemplate on the thought of another year about to end and another about to begin. Some may not be as dramatic as i am and some may not even care about the big deal in that one special day in their lives but I'm sure that at one point or another before or after that special day - doesn't really matter - they paused from their routine and thought of how time seemed to move quicker than they have imagined.
Its my turn. I have been down for the past several days and i have been thinking of a couple of things. I am trying to recall how i celebrated my birthday last year and I remembered I had to go to a boring meeting and spend the rest of the day strolling in a mall, alone. This year, it will be quite different. I am still going to be at work but its also going to be my first day to receive live calls from aussies. i dont know what to expect yet.
I have been sad for quite some time because I miss my mom. Tears never fail to run down my cheeks as i think of how life would have been much more bearable had she been here. i keep on imagining what would my mom prepare for me on my birthday. By now, we could have been on our 8th day of novena for my birthday. She could have invited her friends to celebrate with us. When i get home from work , I would have someone who will eagerly listen to my funny stories and booboos on the floor while taking in calls. But she is not here. And she never will be. For the rest of my life, i will always wonder how each and everyday would begin and end with my mom by my side.
My birthday would have been a lot nicer and warmer if my mom was alive. Especially now that I have so many things that I want to ask her. Especially now that things are not going good between me and my dad. Especially now that I am very much uncertain of my future. A mom's hug would really make a big difference.
Ma, happy birthday ko na.
Its my turn. I have been down for the past several days and i have been thinking of a couple of things. I am trying to recall how i celebrated my birthday last year and I remembered I had to go to a boring meeting and spend the rest of the day strolling in a mall, alone. This year, it will be quite different. I am still going to be at work but its also going to be my first day to receive live calls from aussies. i dont know what to expect yet.
I have been sad for quite some time because I miss my mom. Tears never fail to run down my cheeks as i think of how life would have been much more bearable had she been here. i keep on imagining what would my mom prepare for me on my birthday. By now, we could have been on our 8th day of novena for my birthday. She could have invited her friends to celebrate with us. When i get home from work , I would have someone who will eagerly listen to my funny stories and booboos on the floor while taking in calls. But she is not here. And she never will be. For the rest of my life, i will always wonder how each and everyday would begin and end with my mom by my side.
My birthday would have been a lot nicer and warmer if my mom was alive. Especially now that I have so many things that I want to ask her. Especially now that things are not going good between me and my dad. Especially now that I am very much uncertain of my future. A mom's hug would really make a big difference.
Ma, happy birthday ko na.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
When, how and why
Brilliant ideas are often wasted because of the wrong timing in execution. Some problems become as such when they occur at a specific moment in our lives. Two or more tolerable state of affairs happening at the same time may spell the difference between a crisis and an accomplishment. An experience may be bearable if it is the only concern for the moment and it is ideal that only after it has been resolved, will another one take place. It would have been nice and less daunting if events happen one after another, not both at the same time. But they don’t.
Crisis are called crisis because they are never simple. They are greatly defined by the timely, or in most cases, untimely piling of one dilemma over another – which in any other case, had they occur separately would not escalate into crisis proportions. And so looking at my situation now, I sometimes resort to this method of analysis just so I could psych myself to believing that my experiences are really simple and manageable dilemmas that just had to occur all at the wrong time, which under another circumstance, would negligibly be controllable. The thing is, they did not transpire at different points. They conveniently chose to take place at a point when life would shift its gear and command a tumultuous and messy transition to a higher state of consciousness, or so we think. We end up catching our breath to make sense of the swing and find that things we used to conveniently rely on have lost its firm footing and has abandoned their responsibility to carry us through our journey. We are left to rely on our own unrealized potentials, leaving us only with academic wealth that is yet to be immersed in reality.
My voice is caught in the turbulent cycle of thoughts in my head. I could not make sense of where I am and how I have reached this point. Neither is the future comforting. There is only smoke, haze and uncertainty. A friend said that its better this way than to go on and live life without asking and wondering where one is going. This state indicates one’s effort to put his/her life on track. Its better this way than not care at all.
The next question is, for how long will this last? When will this end? It is not comforting to know that there is an end to this because the end might come at the twilight of one’s life. Is the end of this borne out of one’s own effort to break-free from the state of uncertainty or will it be destiny’s last word? I am not losing hope and faith. Optimism may not be my greatest virtue, but I intend to make one my virtues nonetheless. My future might be hazy but it is lying against the light.
Crisis are called crisis because they are never simple. They are greatly defined by the timely, or in most cases, untimely piling of one dilemma over another – which in any other case, had they occur separately would not escalate into crisis proportions. And so looking at my situation now, I sometimes resort to this method of analysis just so I could psych myself to believing that my experiences are really simple and manageable dilemmas that just had to occur all at the wrong time, which under another circumstance, would negligibly be controllable. The thing is, they did not transpire at different points. They conveniently chose to take place at a point when life would shift its gear and command a tumultuous and messy transition to a higher state of consciousness, or so we think. We end up catching our breath to make sense of the swing and find that things we used to conveniently rely on have lost its firm footing and has abandoned their responsibility to carry us through our journey. We are left to rely on our own unrealized potentials, leaving us only with academic wealth that is yet to be immersed in reality.
My voice is caught in the turbulent cycle of thoughts in my head. I could not make sense of where I am and how I have reached this point. Neither is the future comforting. There is only smoke, haze and uncertainty. A friend said that its better this way than to go on and live life without asking and wondering where one is going. This state indicates one’s effort to put his/her life on track. Its better this way than not care at all.
The next question is, for how long will this last? When will this end? It is not comforting to know that there is an end to this because the end might come at the twilight of one’s life. Is the end of this borne out of one’s own effort to break-free from the state of uncertainty or will it be destiny’s last word? I am not losing hope and faith. Optimism may not be my greatest virtue, but I intend to make one my virtues nonetheless. My future might be hazy but it is lying against the light.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
No pretentions
I am not going to pretend anymore. I tried to deny it before and acted as if it were the case. I never really thought that the effort I was giving was double the efforts of others. My friends, some of them are practical, some are a treasureful of sense and some have really guided thoughts. And for them everything is simple, though they may seem complicated, they can effortlessly make it appear as if its a no-brainer.
I am COMPLICATED. I am incredibly good at making things doubly hard for me and for the people around me. It takes so hard for me to decide which is which and end up with countless rationalizations and justifications for something so simple and sometimes so mundane. I'm starting to think, where has my common sense gone? You know for someone who graduated with a degree in philosophy, i'm somebody who has lost all sense in me.
And the crazier part is, I always start my decision making with a thought of the future - not bad, makes sense - only that this future is a grimmer version. It has none of the optimistic and blissful tone one would wish to really have in their future. And it doesn't stop at that. It multiplies itself and creates a horror movie out of a simple thought. A neutral, non-negative thought. Amazing isn't? How the mind can make a tree out of a seed.
So there, i am not going to pretend anymore. I am not a simple person. i am complicated. So for those who can't catch up, good for you.
I am COMPLICATED. I am incredibly good at making things doubly hard for me and for the people around me. It takes so hard for me to decide which is which and end up with countless rationalizations and justifications for something so simple and sometimes so mundane. I'm starting to think, where has my common sense gone? You know for someone who graduated with a degree in philosophy, i'm somebody who has lost all sense in me.
And the crazier part is, I always start my decision making with a thought of the future - not bad, makes sense - only that this future is a grimmer version. It has none of the optimistic and blissful tone one would wish to really have in their future. And it doesn't stop at that. It multiplies itself and creates a horror movie out of a simple thought. A neutral, non-negative thought. Amazing isn't? How the mind can make a tree out of a seed.
So there, i am not going to pretend anymore. I am not a simple person. i am complicated. So for those who can't catch up, good for you.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Ang mga maraming bagay sa buhay ko
hay naku, ang dami nanamang mga bagay ang gumugulo sa utak ko ngaun. Kanina maraming tao sa tindahan.Buti na lang. Kahit papano, its like years (exaj, of course, months lang!) since we had that crowd in our store. Pasukan kasi eh. sa ayaw at gusto man ng mga magulang na gumastos eh, gagastos at gagastos din sila.
Nag-enlist na ko kanina. Mabuti na lang at natapos din, although ung mga gusto kong subject eh hindi ko nakuha. Kakainis kasing admission slip yan eh. At kakainis na sistema yan hindi maayos ayos. Para sa isang kapirasong papel eh nadelay pa ko kaya ayan hindi ko tuloy nakuha ung mga subjects na gusto ko. Pero ok na rin, nagdasal naman ako na sana eh ayusin na Niya ang schedule ko kasi hindi ko nman alam kung anong time ang trabaho ko.
Sana magkatrabaho na ko. Wala akong pambayad ng insurance ko, pati ng mga utang ko at ng tuition ko. Naka-enlist nga ako pero wala naman akong pambayad. Pero sabi nga nila, God will provide in His own time. Sana po ang time niyo ay hindi lumampas ng June 14 kasi last day of payment na yun eh.
Sana magkatraabaho na ko. Gusto ko na kasing tumulong sa ate at tatay ko. Sana ako na lang ang makapagpapabaon sa mga kapatid ko. at makasagot ng ilang gastusin dito sa bahay.
Sayang, kala ko kasi makakapasa ako sa New York. kala ko pa naman eh makakatikim na ko ng three seasons of happiness, hindi pala. Kaya eto, balik sa tunay na buhay. Naririnig ko na lang na sinasabi ni God sa akin na, "Wag kang mag-alala, dadalhin kita sa mga lugar na pinapangarap mo, pero hindi sa shortcut ang daan natin..mejo mahabang lakbay pero sigurado kong mag-eenjoy ka",.
Ang dami ko pang tatapusin. Ewan ko rin ba dito sa sarili ko, bat hindi man lang ako makapagconcentrate these days.... pero natuwa ako kahapon, meron akong mga nalaman na mga bagay...pero sa akin na lang yun..alam ko namang hindi ko siya makakalimutan eh.
"Sana po tulungan niyo akong magconcentrate. Ang dami ko po talga kasing dapat tapusin. Meron akong Falun Gong research work, meron pa akong planning para sa cloning project. Sana po ay magpasa na ung mga volunteers, kahit na 3 or 4 lang silang magrespond. Kelangan ko po kasi talaga ng katulong. Lord , pag magpplanning na kami, tulungan mo po kami ha? Kasi hindi ko po alam ung mga ganitong bagay. Mejo bago ako sa ganitong projects. "
"Hindi ko po alam kung makakarating ako sa gusto kong patunguhan. Ang alam ko Kayo po ang sinusundan ko. Sainyo po ako nananalig. Alam ko hindi niyo ko pinababayaan. Hindi man ako makarating dun, alam ko meron kayong ibang lugar na hinanda para sa akin. Parang katulad nung mga panahon na gusto ko talgang mag-shift pero un nga hindi pala para sa akin yun. Naisip ko pa nung time na yun na gusto ko talga ung course. Buti na lang po mas marunong kayo sa akin."
"Salamat po sa lahat ng binibigay Niyo sa akin at sa pamilya ko. Sana po tulungan niyo ako kung pano ko po Kau mapapasalamatan."
gail
Nag-enlist na ko kanina. Mabuti na lang at natapos din, although ung mga gusto kong subject eh hindi ko nakuha. Kakainis kasing admission slip yan eh. At kakainis na sistema yan hindi maayos ayos. Para sa isang kapirasong papel eh nadelay pa ko kaya ayan hindi ko tuloy nakuha ung mga subjects na gusto ko. Pero ok na rin, nagdasal naman ako na sana eh ayusin na Niya ang schedule ko kasi hindi ko nman alam kung anong time ang trabaho ko.
Sana magkatrabaho na ko. Wala akong pambayad ng insurance ko, pati ng mga utang ko at ng tuition ko. Naka-enlist nga ako pero wala naman akong pambayad. Pero sabi nga nila, God will provide in His own time. Sana po ang time niyo ay hindi lumampas ng June 14 kasi last day of payment na yun eh.
Sana magkatraabaho na ko. Gusto ko na kasing tumulong sa ate at tatay ko. Sana ako na lang ang makapagpapabaon sa mga kapatid ko. at makasagot ng ilang gastusin dito sa bahay.
Sayang, kala ko kasi makakapasa ako sa New York. kala ko pa naman eh makakatikim na ko ng three seasons of happiness, hindi pala. Kaya eto, balik sa tunay na buhay. Naririnig ko na lang na sinasabi ni God sa akin na, "Wag kang mag-alala, dadalhin kita sa mga lugar na pinapangarap mo, pero hindi sa shortcut ang daan natin..mejo mahabang lakbay pero sigurado kong mag-eenjoy ka",.
Ang dami ko pang tatapusin. Ewan ko rin ba dito sa sarili ko, bat hindi man lang ako makapagconcentrate these days.... pero natuwa ako kahapon, meron akong mga nalaman na mga bagay...pero sa akin na lang yun..alam ko namang hindi ko siya makakalimutan eh.
"Sana po tulungan niyo akong magconcentrate. Ang dami ko po talga kasing dapat tapusin. Meron akong Falun Gong research work, meron pa akong planning para sa cloning project. Sana po ay magpasa na ung mga volunteers, kahit na 3 or 4 lang silang magrespond. Kelangan ko po kasi talaga ng katulong. Lord , pag magpplanning na kami, tulungan mo po kami ha? Kasi hindi ko po alam ung mga ganitong bagay. Mejo bago ako sa ganitong projects. "
"Hindi ko po alam kung makakarating ako sa gusto kong patunguhan. Ang alam ko Kayo po ang sinusundan ko. Sainyo po ako nananalig. Alam ko hindi niyo ko pinababayaan. Hindi man ako makarating dun, alam ko meron kayong ibang lugar na hinanda para sa akin. Parang katulad nung mga panahon na gusto ko talgang mag-shift pero un nga hindi pala para sa akin yun. Naisip ko pa nung time na yun na gusto ko talga ung course. Buti na lang po mas marunong kayo sa akin."
"Salamat po sa lahat ng binibigay Niyo sa akin at sa pamilya ko. Sana po tulungan niyo ako kung pano ko po Kau mapapasalamatan."
gail
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Thoughts on the run
Today is one of those days when I feel I have been practically unproductive but mentally productive. I have been having quite a hard time trying to wake up earlier than 9am and really start a day before 11am. Its as if i have become lazier by the day and I can't believe I could not resist the call of the bed every time i wake up earlier. My goal has been to wake up at 6am and start my day at 7am. I would feel more useful that way.
I got my admission letter to the master's degree program in international studies today. I picked it up from the office. Slowly, it is beginning to dawn on me what path I should take in the next couple of days and months. If I have been confused before its because i have set myself out to do so many things at once. I have been unknowingly impatient, but I know it now, obviously from my confessions here. I thought that taking that other course (not nursing and not caregiver) would get me easier to the land of the free and the land where the most bizarre dreams come true. But then I realized that the more I put in additional options, it would be harder for me to decide which way to go. Plus, i think that some of the thinking i've done actually helped me realize a couple things that have been useful in my current situation.
I want to work in the UN. I really want to. Not simply because it would afford me the opportunity to work on something I really am interested in but also because I know i can support my family by working there. Just now, I realized, when I do get there, when I get to work for the institution I have dreaming of, what next?
i guess, it makes better sense to change my goal to something more lofty. Maybe aiming to live my life pleasing to the eyes of God is more challenging. its a constant pursuit for perfection - God's eyes. i don't have to ask myself in the near future, "what next?" Its something that I always have to work on. Because I believe that its in my nature to be sinful and its a constant challenge for me to strive to avoid sin. Its a never ending battle but a battle worth fighting for.
I have been through so many and most of the times I have failed to live up to the promise I made to God when I said I will stand up with my faith and live a life pleasing to His eyes no matter what. I am making that commitment again. I will not let go of God's hands no matter where He plans on dragging or taking me. And I need God's spirit to help me fulfill this promise.
Ngaun pa ba ako aatras? The going is getting tougher.......and so must I.
I got my admission letter to the master's degree program in international studies today. I picked it up from the office. Slowly, it is beginning to dawn on me what path I should take in the next couple of days and months. If I have been confused before its because i have set myself out to do so many things at once. I have been unknowingly impatient, but I know it now, obviously from my confessions here. I thought that taking that other course (not nursing and not caregiver) would get me easier to the land of the free and the land where the most bizarre dreams come true. But then I realized that the more I put in additional options, it would be harder for me to decide which way to go. Plus, i think that some of the thinking i've done actually helped me realize a couple things that have been useful in my current situation.
I want to work in the UN. I really want to. Not simply because it would afford me the opportunity to work on something I really am interested in but also because I know i can support my family by working there. Just now, I realized, when I do get there, when I get to work for the institution I have dreaming of, what next?
i guess, it makes better sense to change my goal to something more lofty. Maybe aiming to live my life pleasing to the eyes of God is more challenging. its a constant pursuit for perfection - God's eyes. i don't have to ask myself in the near future, "what next?" Its something that I always have to work on. Because I believe that its in my nature to be sinful and its a constant challenge for me to strive to avoid sin. Its a never ending battle but a battle worth fighting for.
I have been through so many and most of the times I have failed to live up to the promise I made to God when I said I will stand up with my faith and live a life pleasing to His eyes no matter what. I am making that commitment again. I will not let go of God's hands no matter where He plans on dragging or taking me. And I need God's spirit to help me fulfill this promise.
Ngaun pa ba ako aatras? The going is getting tougher.......and so must I.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Crossroads
“Lord, help me not to fear to suffer”
I am at a crossroads of my life. I do not know which way to go. NO one standing in the same position has lesser difficulty than what I am dealing with right now. Each has its own complicated situations and no one is spared from it. I think things would have been a little easier if my mom is still here. But she is not. So I am left here to handle things that I have no idea of solving on my own.
I am afraid to make decisions at this point in my life. I keep on thinking what if I make a decision and it turns out that it was not such a wise decision and what if instead of bringing good, it brought more damage to me and most importantly to my family. I am always thinking of their welfare nowadays. Ever since my mom died, I cannot help but think if we would end up in the same kind of fate or I would live to see another one of my loved ones suffer that dreadful sickness.
I have a fear of suffering. I have seen my mother suffer from cancer. During those painful days, we have been awakened by the hopeless wail of my mom because of the pain. She used to wake up in the middle of the night shaking from we-don’t-know-what. When she still had her health, she used to recount the days when as teenagers they would have to work for their daily food, how they have to sleep through the discomfort of hunger and allow only those who have exams the next day to eat dinner when they do not have enough, how they are bereft of the material things we enjoy now and how they celebrate when they have extra money to spare for movies or a plate of pansit and a bottle of cola.
I promised myself then that I would let my mom enjoy what they have been deprived of when she was our age. I saw how my mom and dad sacrificed so that they could provide for us the things that they themselves were never fortunate to have. Even when we were in better position, they still choose to deprive themselves just to make sure that we have enough….more than enough. Now that she is gone, all I can do is to wonder and ask, what if she is alive? How different could have things turn out? Of course, there is still my dad. But I guess, I was closer to my mom because for the first 20 years of life, my formative life, she was the one with me, guiding me and teaching me the ways of life and how to live it courageously.
I used to worry over our situation, about my siblings and my father. I always think that if they go home late in the evening something bad must have happened to them. I always worry about my dad and how he is taking everything and if he is still depressed with the death of my mom. I think about my sister and if she is overwhelmed by her insecurities. I think about the future of my twin nieces and how I could help them grow up to be better persons.
God talked to me and answered my prayers. He told me that what I am going through right now is not a punishment but a gift, a special kind of gift. He told me that there is no other way for me to learn about life and its beauty without going through this stage, this road. I asked Him so many times before if He could spare me and if He could give me another road to travel on. I was hoping he’d change his answer.
I attended a retreat with that question on my mind. I went home with the same reply from God. But this time, I brought home with me acceptance and understanding that there is just no other way for me to go. I went to a retreat hoping there are other things I need to learn. Probably I was not listening enough. Probably, there are still things that God wanted to tell me. And He actually had a couple.
He told me, I would have to suffer but I need not suffer ungracefully. I understand that it is like He has opened a sixth sense in me in that I am now more capable of enjoying even the littlest things around me. I do get to enjoy the sight of flowers. I appreciate children’s presence. I am more thankful now of what I have no matter how little or big. I thank God for the six pesos I have in my pocket, an extra from the previous day when I went on a job interview because that would only mean that I have an extra six pesos for my tricycle fare to another interview. And even in the face of inevitable suffering, I cannot stop wondering how great God is for allowing me to live and survive all the other challenges I’ve been through and how I know He will get me out of that same situation again.
It is true that when one is confronted by so much suffering and is in great desperation, the wisest thing to do is to say, “Thank you Lord God”. Right now, I still don’t know which way to go or what to do next, but I don’t worry as much. I have put my faith in God and I am 100% sure I am in good hands. I realized that it is not so important to know what is in the future or where I am headed. The thought of understanding why things happen does not really appeal to me anymore and knowing the logic and reason becomes more and more insignificant. I just know that I need to concentrate on the now and face life as it is.
I told God, “Okay, I think I understand better and I think I’m ready for what You have for me.” And then He replied,”Very well then, fasten your seatbelt and get ready coz, we will have a bumpy ride.” I need not fear. God is my driver.
I am at a crossroads of my life. I do not know which way to go. NO one standing in the same position has lesser difficulty than what I am dealing with right now. Each has its own complicated situations and no one is spared from it. I think things would have been a little easier if my mom is still here. But she is not. So I am left here to handle things that I have no idea of solving on my own.
I am afraid to make decisions at this point in my life. I keep on thinking what if I make a decision and it turns out that it was not such a wise decision and what if instead of bringing good, it brought more damage to me and most importantly to my family. I am always thinking of their welfare nowadays. Ever since my mom died, I cannot help but think if we would end up in the same kind of fate or I would live to see another one of my loved ones suffer that dreadful sickness.
I have a fear of suffering. I have seen my mother suffer from cancer. During those painful days, we have been awakened by the hopeless wail of my mom because of the pain. She used to wake up in the middle of the night shaking from we-don’t-know-what. When she still had her health, she used to recount the days when as teenagers they would have to work for their daily food, how they have to sleep through the discomfort of hunger and allow only those who have exams the next day to eat dinner when they do not have enough, how they are bereft of the material things we enjoy now and how they celebrate when they have extra money to spare for movies or a plate of pansit and a bottle of cola.
I promised myself then that I would let my mom enjoy what they have been deprived of when she was our age. I saw how my mom and dad sacrificed so that they could provide for us the things that they themselves were never fortunate to have. Even when we were in better position, they still choose to deprive themselves just to make sure that we have enough….more than enough. Now that she is gone, all I can do is to wonder and ask, what if she is alive? How different could have things turn out? Of course, there is still my dad. But I guess, I was closer to my mom because for the first 20 years of life, my formative life, she was the one with me, guiding me and teaching me the ways of life and how to live it courageously.
I used to worry over our situation, about my siblings and my father. I always think that if they go home late in the evening something bad must have happened to them. I always worry about my dad and how he is taking everything and if he is still depressed with the death of my mom. I think about my sister and if she is overwhelmed by her insecurities. I think about the future of my twin nieces and how I could help them grow up to be better persons.
God talked to me and answered my prayers. He told me that what I am going through right now is not a punishment but a gift, a special kind of gift. He told me that there is no other way for me to learn about life and its beauty without going through this stage, this road. I asked Him so many times before if He could spare me and if He could give me another road to travel on. I was hoping he’d change his answer.
I attended a retreat with that question on my mind. I went home with the same reply from God. But this time, I brought home with me acceptance and understanding that there is just no other way for me to go. I went to a retreat hoping there are other things I need to learn. Probably I was not listening enough. Probably, there are still things that God wanted to tell me. And He actually had a couple.
He told me, I would have to suffer but I need not suffer ungracefully. I understand that it is like He has opened a sixth sense in me in that I am now more capable of enjoying even the littlest things around me. I do get to enjoy the sight of flowers. I appreciate children’s presence. I am more thankful now of what I have no matter how little or big. I thank God for the six pesos I have in my pocket, an extra from the previous day when I went on a job interview because that would only mean that I have an extra six pesos for my tricycle fare to another interview. And even in the face of inevitable suffering, I cannot stop wondering how great God is for allowing me to live and survive all the other challenges I’ve been through and how I know He will get me out of that same situation again.
It is true that when one is confronted by so much suffering and is in great desperation, the wisest thing to do is to say, “Thank you Lord God”. Right now, I still don’t know which way to go or what to do next, but I don’t worry as much. I have put my faith in God and I am 100% sure I am in good hands. I realized that it is not so important to know what is in the future or where I am headed. The thought of understanding why things happen does not really appeal to me anymore and knowing the logic and reason becomes more and more insignificant. I just know that I need to concentrate on the now and face life as it is.
I told God, “Okay, I think I understand better and I think I’m ready for what You have for me.” And then He replied,”Very well then, fasten your seatbelt and get ready coz, we will have a bumpy ride.” I need not fear. God is my driver.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Terminal
I have finished submitting my application for a second degree and I was just notified earlier of the qualifying exam and panel interview for a prospective master’s degree. There will be a three-day “employment expo” or what is commonly known as a job fair in a distant mall. I have been seriously thinking lately of applying as an immigrant to another country. The turn of events here have not gone for the better but it also has not swerved on the worse case scenario I’ve been dreading.
I feel like I am waiting for a sign, a signal, and an assurance before I could get on that train and get on with my life, before I could confidently execute something for my life, for our lives. But hey, who am I kidding, nowadays, only those who found their direction have that confidence to lean on but even they fall in the trap of uncertainty most of the times. The thing about this waiting is that I don’t know what or who am I am waiting for. It’s not like I have not been in this kind of situation before, its just that I feel that so much time is spent of idly waiting for something or someone whose face I have not yet imagine or whose probability I have not yet conceived. It’s as if, I am waiting for me.
Waiting for me to finally take courage to face what I have been offered. I believe that this is one of those, I-have-a-second-life-moment because I feel that after resigning from work, I found back, I gained back my life. Yes, I lost a job, but there were so many things offered to me. The only problem is I don’t know which one to take.
I have this crazy idea of taking on several offers, all at the same time. I figured, maybe there would be enough time to take up my second degree in the morning, then my masters degree in the afternoon and then my part time job in the evening. I thought to myself, yeah, I could probably handle that. It looks doable from where I am standing right now. But I know that it could be a death wish or a death sentence for me.
I cannot afford now to be envious of what my friends have. I used to be. I always thought that they always tend to get the good deals, they always end up with the best bargain and even if they don’t they somehow manage to make it an advantage to them. I always thought that I don’t have the powers to be that good. I learned my lesson. After all, to each his own. It’s just that I think its taking me too long to put the things I learned into practice.
There is a sense in all of these. I can feel it. I am not one who will give up now. I just want myself to know how I feel now so that when I look back in the future, it’ll feel good to know I have been right all along.
Dear God,
Hi there. I am most certainly unsure of my position now. I have been in this situation for so many times only You can keep track. I have been unfaithful before when these kinds of moment comes up but I would like to make it clear now that it will not happen this time. I may be uncertain of where I am, what is out there for me to do, what You really want me to accomplish, what is my purpose in life and so on and so forth but I am determined to stick it out with YOU this time.
Do to me as YOU wish and I will just follow. If ever YOU haven’t decided yet where to put me in the greater scheme of things, I guess I will just have to hang around here for the moment and wait till YOU have finally figured out my rightful place. I will not budge. But knowing YOU, I am sure there is already that spot for me. Probably I’m not just ready or maybe YOU are still preparing me, maybe even this sort-of waiting time is all part of Your wonderful plan, I probably am on my way to that place you have set for me.
Whatever it is you have decided for me, I’ll just be here. I will just wait till YOU call me next.
Ciao!
Gail
P.S. Does the spot you prepared for me come with it a companion for the rest of my life? Will he be waiting there? And will I ever get to experience everything I have dreamed of with him? I sure hope so. If not, well, I have YOU anyways, and the angels and the saints and my friends.
I feel like I am waiting for a sign, a signal, and an assurance before I could get on that train and get on with my life, before I could confidently execute something for my life, for our lives. But hey, who am I kidding, nowadays, only those who found their direction have that confidence to lean on but even they fall in the trap of uncertainty most of the times. The thing about this waiting is that I don’t know what or who am I am waiting for. It’s not like I have not been in this kind of situation before, its just that I feel that so much time is spent of idly waiting for something or someone whose face I have not yet imagine or whose probability I have not yet conceived. It’s as if, I am waiting for me.
Waiting for me to finally take courage to face what I have been offered. I believe that this is one of those, I-have-a-second-life-moment because I feel that after resigning from work, I found back, I gained back my life. Yes, I lost a job, but there were so many things offered to me. The only problem is I don’t know which one to take.
I have this crazy idea of taking on several offers, all at the same time. I figured, maybe there would be enough time to take up my second degree in the morning, then my masters degree in the afternoon and then my part time job in the evening. I thought to myself, yeah, I could probably handle that. It looks doable from where I am standing right now. But I know that it could be a death wish or a death sentence for me.
I cannot afford now to be envious of what my friends have. I used to be. I always thought that they always tend to get the good deals, they always end up with the best bargain and even if they don’t they somehow manage to make it an advantage to them. I always thought that I don’t have the powers to be that good. I learned my lesson. After all, to each his own. It’s just that I think its taking me too long to put the things I learned into practice.
There is a sense in all of these. I can feel it. I am not one who will give up now. I just want myself to know how I feel now so that when I look back in the future, it’ll feel good to know I have been right all along.
Dear God,
Hi there. I am most certainly unsure of my position now. I have been in this situation for so many times only You can keep track. I have been unfaithful before when these kinds of moment comes up but I would like to make it clear now that it will not happen this time. I may be uncertain of where I am, what is out there for me to do, what You really want me to accomplish, what is my purpose in life and so on and so forth but I am determined to stick it out with YOU this time.
Do to me as YOU wish and I will just follow. If ever YOU haven’t decided yet where to put me in the greater scheme of things, I guess I will just have to hang around here for the moment and wait till YOU have finally figured out my rightful place. I will not budge. But knowing YOU, I am sure there is already that spot for me. Probably I’m not just ready or maybe YOU are still preparing me, maybe even this sort-of waiting time is all part of Your wonderful plan, I probably am on my way to that place you have set for me.
Whatever it is you have decided for me, I’ll just be here. I will just wait till YOU call me next.
Ciao!
Gail
P.S. Does the spot you prepared for me come with it a companion for the rest of my life? Will he be waiting there? And will I ever get to experience everything I have dreamed of with him? I sure hope so. If not, well, I have YOU anyways, and the angels and the saints and my friends.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Holding on
Holding on to something is really an inevitable part in our lives. We may or may not know it. Sometimes it makes no difference at all. When we recognize that we are holding on to something it either just makes us rationalize about it or we deny that we do. We hold on to our hopes and dreams, we hold on to family, to friends, to faith, to love, to the good in this world, to the courage in ourselves.
We hold on because the things that we hold on to give meaning to our lives. ANd when we see the end of that which we hold on to, it seems as if our world stops and we cease to live...for a time.
I think my dad is in that stage now. I think that there is no day since the death of my mom - his wife - when he wished that he too would be taken away from this earth. My mom was his life and now that she had gone, he too wants to follow. I don't exactly know their love story, but it was a pretty dramatic one from what I've heard. My dad has been holding on too much to my mom. She is the only person he listens to. She is the only one who can tame him. And now that she's gone. There's no one that can sustain him.
NOw my dad is holding on to each one of us. To the point of keeping us as close as possible to him. He probably feels that if he is close enough to see us, nothing close to what happened to my mom would happen to us.
Sometimes holding on to something can make a difference between moving on and staying put. Its a thin line that separates living life and simply existing. My dad has started to exist when my mom left us. How I wish my dad would live again. Not for us. But for himself. How I wish and pray that my dad would realize that it is not in holding on to us that we live longer, but in moving on and letting life go the way it should go, without holding back, without the fear of losing someone. How I wish that my dad would learn to live HIS life, discovering things that he had overlooked before and learning that my mom's time was up and she had to go.
I still cry buckets of tears when I remember my mom. ANd everytime I remember the first and only movie premier we watched together - her first and last - I can't help but cry and ask her why she had to go so early when I was just about to show her the world that she gave me. But its in holding on to her memories that I find the courage to live my life because I know that she would be happier to see me grow and be that person that she enabled me to be than to wallow in grief over her loss.
Ma, I love you ma, I may not have served you in your time and I may not have shown it when you were still here with us. But I do. I just wish that you could give papa the same courage you taught me when you were still with us so that he too would realize that this time, its in letting you go and holding on to your memories that we honor you more.
We hold on because the things that we hold on to give meaning to our lives. ANd when we see the end of that which we hold on to, it seems as if our world stops and we cease to live...for a time.
I think my dad is in that stage now. I think that there is no day since the death of my mom - his wife - when he wished that he too would be taken away from this earth. My mom was his life and now that she had gone, he too wants to follow. I don't exactly know their love story, but it was a pretty dramatic one from what I've heard. My dad has been holding on too much to my mom. She is the only person he listens to. She is the only one who can tame him. And now that she's gone. There's no one that can sustain him.
NOw my dad is holding on to each one of us. To the point of keeping us as close as possible to him. He probably feels that if he is close enough to see us, nothing close to what happened to my mom would happen to us.
Sometimes holding on to something can make a difference between moving on and staying put. Its a thin line that separates living life and simply existing. My dad has started to exist when my mom left us. How I wish my dad would live again. Not for us. But for himself. How I wish and pray that my dad would realize that it is not in holding on to us that we live longer, but in moving on and letting life go the way it should go, without holding back, without the fear of losing someone. How I wish that my dad would learn to live HIS life, discovering things that he had overlooked before and learning that my mom's time was up and she had to go.
I still cry buckets of tears when I remember my mom. ANd everytime I remember the first and only movie premier we watched together - her first and last - I can't help but cry and ask her why she had to go so early when I was just about to show her the world that she gave me. But its in holding on to her memories that I find the courage to live my life because I know that she would be happier to see me grow and be that person that she enabled me to be than to wallow in grief over her loss.
Ma, I love you ma, I may not have served you in your time and I may not have shown it when you were still here with us. But I do. I just wish that you could give papa the same courage you taught me when you were still with us so that he too would realize that this time, its in letting you go and holding on to your memories that we honor you more.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Resting
I am now 15 days unemployed and it felt like a month or so. I have been occupied with so many things. And thankfully some of those have been good events. I have been accepted in an externship program. Its a part time internship, and we are to handle projects and have it accomplished by the end of May. I feel excited and I am already looking forward to our meetings and to the project I am going to handle. Also I learned from an ex-officemate who is fortunately or unfortunately (but of the latter) that she is thinking about hiring me as a temporary marketing assistant. I don't think its bad at all. I think its perfect especially when I am in the process of discerning my calling.
There have been so many thoughts running through my mind now. Just last April 2, I felt a wave of ideas come to me and I sensed the need to write it down. I just scribbled on my little note pad thoughts such as, "freedom in a glass casing", remind me again why i am here and some other phrases that I cannot remember right now. The bad thing is, I was not able to write it down completely. Another case of my laziness.
Just early this morning, while hearing mass - it's the birthday of my mom - I realized that I am in a fairly difficult situation, as always. I feel like I always need to submit to the wishes of my father even if there seems to be nothing logical nor reasonable in his demands. My hands are tied because I can't seem to do anything good. There is always the worry that something I have done or something I am about to do will not pass the approval of my dad. And its just frustrating.
Here I am, a college graduate and I have every right in the world to claim my independence and the one person that prevents me from doing it is the same person who made it possible for me to earn this right. I feel so restricted and I feel that my growth as a person has been stifled, all because of the insecurities of my dad triggered by the death of my mom.
It's a complicated life when it should not be in the first place.
There have been so many thoughts running through my mind now. Just last April 2, I felt a wave of ideas come to me and I sensed the need to write it down. I just scribbled on my little note pad thoughts such as, "freedom in a glass casing", remind me again why i am here and some other phrases that I cannot remember right now. The bad thing is, I was not able to write it down completely. Another case of my laziness.
Just early this morning, while hearing mass - it's the birthday of my mom - I realized that I am in a fairly difficult situation, as always. I feel like I always need to submit to the wishes of my father even if there seems to be nothing logical nor reasonable in his demands. My hands are tied because I can't seem to do anything good. There is always the worry that something I have done or something I am about to do will not pass the approval of my dad. And its just frustrating.
Here I am, a college graduate and I have every right in the world to claim my independence and the one person that prevents me from doing it is the same person who made it possible for me to earn this right. I feel so restricted and I feel that my growth as a person has been stifled, all because of the insecurities of my dad triggered by the death of my mom.
It's a complicated life when it should not be in the first place.
Friday, April 08, 2005
A cloud of thoughts
Since I resigned last week, I have been visited by quite a few thoughts. Most of them about my career, some regarding my current situation, others still are abstract yet not far from reality. I have been mostly haunted by the thought that what I am enjoying right now is "freedom in a glass casing". You see, I have been successfully able to finish my studies without any major difficulty. I think i deserve to enjoy that so called independence. But I've been hindered by quite a few issues and things. Some of which you would be able to read in this blog. Others will be kept in the safety of my mind.
I feel as if I have suffered quite a considerable ordeal and so the question asking for a reminder of why I am in this very situation arises. Then again, I have to carefully remind myself that I am not in anyway asking reprieve from what I am going through, only that I be enlightened as to why I have to suffer. Probably by understanding how things turn out the way i dont expect them to be, it would be easier to accept the fate I have to carry.
I feel as if I have suffered quite a considerable ordeal and so the question asking for a reminder of why I am in this very situation arises. Then again, I have to carefully remind myself that I am not in anyway asking reprieve from what I am going through, only that I be enlightened as to why I have to suffer. Probably by understanding how things turn out the way i dont expect them to be, it would be easier to accept the fate I have to carry.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
3 days before the curtain closes
I can’t believe me. Three days before I walk out of the office as an official employee and I am still cramming to finish the load assigned to me. Of course I don’t want to blame the perpetually late government bureaucracy for releasing the data I need way beyond the date they promised me. I was supposed to get this damn research report published by the 15th of March. And now, its already the 29th and I am still processing the data. So much for the timetable and planning I prepared after I handed that resignation.
There are still times when I would ask God why He gave me this job. I am sure I made it clear to Him that I will never engaged in anything that would require me to write beyond hi’s and hello’s or Dear Sir or Madam. But lo and behold! I am a research associate, and my main task is to write and read and….write again. I still believe that this is one of the biggest ironies in my life. Another one is hearing comments from my friends that the guy I liked for quite sometime just hooked up with a girld who looks like me! That’s another story, of course.
Going back, this cramming disease, I have been planning on getting rid of this since high school. But the forces of nature always seem to get the best of me. Lucky me, I was able to survive college. For some weird reasons, I always have to beg for divine intervention to help me finish stuff, which I miraculously always receive. Lucky me again.
\\\\\\\\\
What an amazing way to end the day! Great thanks to ia. Thank you for making my day! I thought I am going to drag myself again trying to finish..yes, cram the last two remaining load before I finally close this chapter in my life..(Naks! Ang drama!) Really, music is the food for our souls. I must say, my friend IA is an expert in finding these kinds of music. I think she can earn extra just by doing this. She really has a knack in saying which ones are hit. It just makes wanna dance the night away!
Singing…….
Let’s hear for the boys!
Feels like…I’m on the top of the world looking, down on creations and the only explanation I can find is the love that I found ever since you’ve been around….. your love put me at the top of the world Don’t sway don’t go go away…. Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you…..
Somebody to love…
I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody….
How will I know, how will I know…how will I know,, How will I know if he really loves me?
Why do you lock yourself up in these chains? Someday somebody’s gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye, till then baby are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry..don’t you know things will change if you hold on for one more day..things will go your way…Hold on for one more day…
There are still times when I would ask God why He gave me this job. I am sure I made it clear to Him that I will never engaged in anything that would require me to write beyond hi’s and hello’s or Dear Sir or Madam. But lo and behold! I am a research associate, and my main task is to write and read and….write again. I still believe that this is one of the biggest ironies in my life. Another one is hearing comments from my friends that the guy I liked for quite sometime just hooked up with a girld who looks like me! That’s another story, of course.
Going back, this cramming disease, I have been planning on getting rid of this since high school. But the forces of nature always seem to get the best of me. Lucky me, I was able to survive college. For some weird reasons, I always have to beg for divine intervention to help me finish stuff, which I miraculously always receive. Lucky me again.
\\\\\\\\\
What an amazing way to end the day! Great thanks to ia. Thank you for making my day! I thought I am going to drag myself again trying to finish..yes, cram the last two remaining load before I finally close this chapter in my life..(Naks! Ang drama!) Really, music is the food for our souls. I must say, my friend IA is an expert in finding these kinds of music. I think she can earn extra just by doing this. She really has a knack in saying which ones are hit. It just makes wanna dance the night away!
Singing…….
Let’s hear for the boys!
Feels like…I’m on the top of the world looking, down on creations and the only explanation I can find is the love that I found ever since you’ve been around….. your love put me at the top of the world Don’t sway don’t go go away…. Sway my way, yeah I need to know all about you…..
Somebody to love…
I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody….
How will I know, how will I know…how will I know,, How will I know if he really loves me?
Why do you lock yourself up in these chains? Someday somebody’s gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye, till then baby are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry..don’t you know things will change if you hold on for one more day..things will go your way…Hold on for one more day…
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Random Thoughts
I am so tired. But this is more physical and mental than anything else. I guess its because I am not taking any vitamins or supplements. Argghhh…I don’t like being in this situation because its so tempting to be hopeless and depressed. It’s so hard to pick up my "energetic" pace and do what I want to do.
**********
Of course, its human nature to respond to how our environment is moving along. The stimulus is almost automatic that sometimes, uncontrolled and impulsive behaviors have been understood with much regret. But then again, I know there are those who believe that consistent and disciplined training of one’s self can reduce reactionary behavior. That is something I need to master. From my experience in my first job, I realized that I have been too affected and reactionary to how the management has run the company. I felt that they were too arbitrary so it almost came to a point that my behavior, more of the negative and not-so-commendable-ones have been borne-out of disappointment and sort-of retaliation to them. Of course, in all humility, I must admit that some of them are wrong. That is why I stressed earlier that it requires consistent and disciplined reminder of one’s self to avoid reactionary attitude and behavior. I believe that effective people are those that are able to control themselves and do not allow external force to alter their personalities, at least to a certain extent.
I am gunning to be that person. Because I have high goals, I know that it needs a lot of personality development and character building to be able to get to where I want to go. I need to focus and really think about my actions and my perspective, how I see the things going on around me. All in all, I believe that it’s not simply because of my goals but because I really want to be a better person. And this is only one way of achieving that goal.
*********
I admit..
As a tribute to my first job, I am going to reminisce the good and the not-so-good experiences and memories I’ve had while learning life-enriching lessons at work. I never thought that it would come true. I once asked God to give a job that would allow me to still read Time, The Economist and other magazines. And He did.
**********
Of course, its human nature to respond to how our environment is moving along. The stimulus is almost automatic that sometimes, uncontrolled and impulsive behaviors have been understood with much regret. But then again, I know there are those who believe that consistent and disciplined training of one’s self can reduce reactionary behavior. That is something I need to master. From my experience in my first job, I realized that I have been too affected and reactionary to how the management has run the company. I felt that they were too arbitrary so it almost came to a point that my behavior, more of the negative and not-so-commendable-ones have been borne-out of disappointment and sort-of retaliation to them. Of course, in all humility, I must admit that some of them are wrong. That is why I stressed earlier that it requires consistent and disciplined reminder of one’s self to avoid reactionary attitude and behavior. I believe that effective people are those that are able to control themselves and do not allow external force to alter their personalities, at least to a certain extent.
I am gunning to be that person. Because I have high goals, I know that it needs a lot of personality development and character building to be able to get to where I want to go. I need to focus and really think about my actions and my perspective, how I see the things going on around me. All in all, I believe that it’s not simply because of my goals but because I really want to be a better person. And this is only one way of achieving that goal.
*********
I admit..
As a tribute to my first job, I am going to reminisce the good and the not-so-good experiences and memories I’ve had while learning life-enriching lessons at work. I never thought that it would come true. I once asked God to give a job that would allow me to still read Time, The Economist and other magazines. And He did.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Another chapter of student life
Its not yet final but I already made some arrangements and the requirements are on their way. I did not plan for this to happen but a good friend of mine invited me to take Masters in International Studies in UP. I must admit, I was very open to the idea because I have planned on this right after I graduated before things turned for the worse. But that is another story. It's only a 6-unit semester that is just enough to keep me updated on the things happening around the globe while I am figuring out a way to make our business prosper..more like becoming a woman-Lucio Tan or Henry Sy or Manny Villar.
The truth is, the one thing holding me back from pursuing this is our financial standing. I don't know where to get the money to enroll, I am not even sure if my siblings and two nieces can enroll because we are currently cash-strapped. I thought, well, I might as well apply, if I get accepted I'll just worry about where to get the money in the future. So help me God.
The truth is, the one thing holding me back from pursuing this is our financial standing. I don't know where to get the money to enroll, I am not even sure if my siblings and two nieces can enroll because we are currently cash-strapped. I thought, well, I might as well apply, if I get accepted I'll just worry about where to get the money in the future. So help me God.
And the regrets started knocking..
I never thought I'd regret my decision to resign from this job. I always felt that it was the best decision to make especially when my family is not really in the best position and I'm not happy with my kind of work. But that is until earlier after lunch. Give me the chance first to state that one of the things i will really miss in my work is to be in the same room with the big bosses. I dreamed of that even when I was studying only that I never thought i'd be on the side lines. But never the less it was still a dream come true. My friends have this notion that if we want something from God, we better be good enough to specify it because God, in His good-natured and funny way, has this tendency to be vague in answering prayers. SO there I was, In the same room with the people some people we look up to in the business world, only that they barely know I was there, with them. I was thinking of something else.
Anyways, going back, we hosted a lunch for a foreign minister and some of the guests were businessmen from that country. Now the foreign club here also invited their members and that's were everything began. I thought that I'd never see the light of this day..when regret would dawn and sadden me to well, regret.. Doing my usual stuff walking around the venue looking at how everything is going on..Suddenly, my eyes darted towards this almost full table. Automatically, I caught the face of this cute looking guy ( well, at least for me, and for yenny! thanks yen!) At first I thought he's Filipino, but as the meeting went on, I noticed he's very fluent in French (hay!) and has an American(?) twang. I keep on looking at him but he keeps on seeing me looking at him too. I don't really want to think that he's also watching me out but it seems to be the case because we keep on locking our gazes for about a second (well, call it short, still send some kilig factor in my stomach).
When the meeting ended, I was quite shy and so I was trying hard not to cross paths with him, but i eventually, accidentally followed him outside. He hanged around and asked some questions while i was so nervous and I keep on flipping the pages of this directory that I know, if he was watching me, he'd notice that I'm just acting my part, for lack of anything else to do. So there, he ask for something I wasn't brave enough to stand up and meet him so the person he was talking to called my officemate instead. Then that was the time that Yenny exclaimed how cute he is. I felt vindicated. I know he has this charm that I can't seem to get my eyes off him so i keep on coming back to the place where there is a good view of him.
I was also invited by my boss to join him and Yenny to a store-tour hoping that he would be there. Hay, i don't know if it would make any difference if I stay here but I was pretty sure, and even with the thoughts of him, I am still convinced, that the resignation was the best decision. Its just that even though I would be free of the stress I dread from this place, there is still the recognition, that well, I could never be as close to them as this. I don't know and I'm not closing my reality to the probability that maybe someday, while I am taking a leisurely tour in the mall or having lunch, dinner or meryenda with friend, I would chance upon his face again. But from experience, I never had something I really wanted, especially a guy, to come and talk to me and really get to know me.
All that I really had was hopes and dreams, for now, I need to force them out of my system. Bcause tomorrow, reality will take its place again and my countdown will continue and I still have a research report, two articles and lots of stuff to fix before I turn my back on this opportunity. I said to a friend I wanted to see him and meet him again even for the last time, just so I could look at his face, and he said, it can happen, serendipity can make it possible. I said its not true, it has not happened to me yet. And I don't think it'll ever will. That's just to impossible for me. So I said to a friend my current reality would not allow a lovelife to fit in. Sad but that's just how it is.
Anyways, going back, we hosted a lunch for a foreign minister and some of the guests were businessmen from that country. Now the foreign club here also invited their members and that's were everything began. I thought that I'd never see the light of this day..when regret would dawn and sadden me to well, regret.. Doing my usual stuff walking around the venue looking at how everything is going on..Suddenly, my eyes darted towards this almost full table. Automatically, I caught the face of this cute looking guy ( well, at least for me, and for yenny! thanks yen!) At first I thought he's Filipino, but as the meeting went on, I noticed he's very fluent in French (hay!) and has an American(?) twang. I keep on looking at him but he keeps on seeing me looking at him too. I don't really want to think that he's also watching me out but it seems to be the case because we keep on locking our gazes for about a second (well, call it short, still send some kilig factor in my stomach).
When the meeting ended, I was quite shy and so I was trying hard not to cross paths with him, but i eventually, accidentally followed him outside. He hanged around and asked some questions while i was so nervous and I keep on flipping the pages of this directory that I know, if he was watching me, he'd notice that I'm just acting my part, for lack of anything else to do. So there, he ask for something I wasn't brave enough to stand up and meet him so the person he was talking to called my officemate instead. Then that was the time that Yenny exclaimed how cute he is. I felt vindicated. I know he has this charm that I can't seem to get my eyes off him so i keep on coming back to the place where there is a good view of him.
I was also invited by my boss to join him and Yenny to a store-tour hoping that he would be there. Hay, i don't know if it would make any difference if I stay here but I was pretty sure, and even with the thoughts of him, I am still convinced, that the resignation was the best decision. Its just that even though I would be free of the stress I dread from this place, there is still the recognition, that well, I could never be as close to them as this. I don't know and I'm not closing my reality to the probability that maybe someday, while I am taking a leisurely tour in the mall or having lunch, dinner or meryenda with friend, I would chance upon his face again. But from experience, I never had something I really wanted, especially a guy, to come and talk to me and really get to know me.
All that I really had was hopes and dreams, for now, I need to force them out of my system. Bcause tomorrow, reality will take its place again and my countdown will continue and I still have a research report, two articles and lots of stuff to fix before I turn my back on this opportunity. I said to a friend I wanted to see him and meet him again even for the last time, just so I could look at his face, and he said, it can happen, serendipity can make it possible. I said its not true, it has not happened to me yet. And I don't think it'll ever will. That's just to impossible for me. So I said to a friend my current reality would not allow a lovelife to fit in. Sad but that's just how it is.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Waiting
It’s only 27 days before I finally leave this office as an employee. I feel excited and relieved that I don’t have to witness, starting next month, the sadistic meetings and petty fights that nonsensical people here busy themselves with. I still feel anxious though, it seems as if, as the last day nears, the longer each day becomes. The 24-hour day seems to stretch longer and time moving even slower. There’s nothing new though, I still feel that I am dragging myself each day and I come home almost crawling. The only consolation I get is the thought that I don’t have to put up with my lazy and overbearing boss who has this uncanny ability to blow up little things into big issues. And then there’s the second in command, who thinks he’s way above everyone else, who doesn’t seem to have anything to do but to walk around and pretend that by reading newspapers and facilitating work systems that are nonetheless inefficient, he’s already worthy of a six-digit salary.
hope that day comes when i wake up tomorrow.
hope that day comes when i wake up tomorrow.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Sentimental recalls
Before, there were many debuts to attend to, friends from different side sometimes even celebrate it on the same day, which makes it hard to decide which one to go to, especially if both have listed you in their roster of 18s. Then day by day, the invitations become scarce until the last and youngest (by months) in your batch celebrates her day. Then there are only gimmicks some spontaneous, some planned some as a result of consecutive nights of research and studying, others out of boredom, some of plain coincidence. Then one by one, the group grows thin until only 3 or 4 of your friends regularly hangout. The others have stayed put, you moved on or not, others refused to budge, still others move out of the country, some busy fixing themselves or finding it.
Even the venue of your gimmick shifts from the rampaging disco bars and houses to the quiet and calm coffee shops or the idea of a good night-out means watching a melodramatic, romantic, funny stage play and afterwards, having coffee at a nearby coffee shop. The scarcity of debut invitations is joined by increasing news of friends having their babies, becoming parents – or opting not to – and then the scarier yet wonderful event of tying the knot. And then those of you left would one-day look at each other over coffee, in one of those planned or unplanned meetings, talk about the days past and the funny and not so funny moments. Then the line, "Grabeh, ang bilis ng panahon, parang kelan lang …", would pop out of somebody’s mouth and then another line, "naalala ko nga ung time na…", would follow.
You recall the times when you’ve experienced embarrassment the first time and wished the earth would swallow you right then and there (uhmmm, that’s talking about me and anna). And then realize how you, with the constant reminders from your friends, acted funny then. On the one hand you are thankful that it happened because now you understand that God wanted it to happen because it’s a good memory to have and laugh about.
Your problems ranged from the most trivial to the fascinating, to the interesting, to the easy, average, difficult and clincher. As though not enough, life would jokingly whip you with a bigger-than-the-earth-dilemma (or so you think). You come out of it alive but scratched and bruised and almost traumatized. Then you laugh about it one day and realize it made you stronger. You believed then, sometimes, until now, that you should have been that kind of person, you were made to be somebody among the stars, if not THE star. You reflect now at what’s happening in your life and admit, that yes, there probably are reasons why you are you and not otherwise.
Then life moves on.
Its fascinating how in one wave our hands time seemed to have moved faster than we expect it to be. With all its ups and downs, sometimes more of the downs, other times the ups, as the Murphy’s law states, we look back and enjoy what we see. What I truly wish for all of us is that no matter what we see when we look back, we will always give back to God (or at least acknowledge, that this no mere conspiracy of the universe, that there is somebody up there who makes all of this possible) the glory for He made these things possible and that we realize how blessed we are.
P. S. i would really appreciate it if you would tell me of the grammatical errors in all of my entries. This just came out of my mind while working. I'm really slow in grammar. Its my waterloo. Please help me to improve.thanks!
Even the venue of your gimmick shifts from the rampaging disco bars and houses to the quiet and calm coffee shops or the idea of a good night-out means watching a melodramatic, romantic, funny stage play and afterwards, having coffee at a nearby coffee shop. The scarcity of debut invitations is joined by increasing news of friends having their babies, becoming parents – or opting not to – and then the scarier yet wonderful event of tying the knot. And then those of you left would one-day look at each other over coffee, in one of those planned or unplanned meetings, talk about the days past and the funny and not so funny moments. Then the line, "Grabeh, ang bilis ng panahon, parang kelan lang …", would pop out of somebody’s mouth and then another line, "naalala ko nga ung time na…", would follow.
You recall the times when you’ve experienced embarrassment the first time and wished the earth would swallow you right then and there (uhmmm, that’s talking about me and anna). And then realize how you, with the constant reminders from your friends, acted funny then. On the one hand you are thankful that it happened because now you understand that God wanted it to happen because it’s a good memory to have and laugh about.
Your problems ranged from the most trivial to the fascinating, to the interesting, to the easy, average, difficult and clincher. As though not enough, life would jokingly whip you with a bigger-than-the-earth-dilemma (or so you think). You come out of it alive but scratched and bruised and almost traumatized. Then you laugh about it one day and realize it made you stronger. You believed then, sometimes, until now, that you should have been that kind of person, you were made to be somebody among the stars, if not THE star. You reflect now at what’s happening in your life and admit, that yes, there probably are reasons why you are you and not otherwise.
Then life moves on.
Its fascinating how in one wave our hands time seemed to have moved faster than we expect it to be. With all its ups and downs, sometimes more of the downs, other times the ups, as the Murphy’s law states, we look back and enjoy what we see. What I truly wish for all of us is that no matter what we see when we look back, we will always give back to God (or at least acknowledge, that this no mere conspiracy of the universe, that there is somebody up there who makes all of this possible) the glory for He made these things possible and that we realize how blessed we are.
P. S. i would really appreciate it if you would tell me of the grammatical errors in all of my entries. This just came out of my mind while working. I'm really slow in grammar. Its my waterloo. Please help me to improve.thanks!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Taking the step
There is still doubt in me, but I think I already heard what I needed to make final my decision. I am still afraid and hesitant to take the step though. There were no chorus of angels singing alleluia because of the revelation only a humble acceptance of my "Jerusalem". Deep down in my heart, I am not truly troubled. I have been preparing for things like this since the moment I felt I am not happy and growing where I am right now. I am afraid though that after all of this, there is no way for me to go back to my career and pursue my dreams. I have placed my faith in God’s goodness and providence. And just like how I sure I felt I would get my cum laude price, I also feel that somehow, in the future, God will reveal that path to me. No need for the treasure hunter’s map, in one wave of His hand, I know God will enable me.
I cannot blame myself for feeling envious of my colleagues. Their problems – I am not bellittling whatever is occupying them now, I know that life and death can be the equivalent of even the most trivial pursuit and dilemma – seems to be simpler and more mundane than what I have. But whose problem isn’t? I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I cried buckets of tears last night until I can breath no more but after it, I was able to sleep well. I thought to myself, crying really helps me clear my mind. After that, I see things as a natural consequence of events that are bound to happen no matter in what form, shape and size they come. I feel stronger, ever ready to take on another blow. There is this running sarcasm in my mind, one that I have seen in thousands of movies, when the protagonist is beaten. He keeps on shouting at his attacker, "Is that all you can do?" My paraphrased version goes like, "wala na ba?", "Sige pa! Yan lang ba?". Tapang no.
I guess, it does makes one stronger. I never tire of hearing the phrase, "What doesn’t break you, makes you stronger". It is making me now. I look up to the metal cabinet just above my desk and saw the bible verse that I printed and posted to remind me of His promise, one that has sustained me especially during the unfortunate suffering and passing of my mom. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says, " For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me, Yes when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…"
I cannot blame myself for feeling envious of my colleagues. Their problems – I am not bellittling whatever is occupying them now, I know that life and death can be the equivalent of even the most trivial pursuit and dilemma – seems to be simpler and more mundane than what I have. But whose problem isn’t? I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I cried buckets of tears last night until I can breath no more but after it, I was able to sleep well. I thought to myself, crying really helps me clear my mind. After that, I see things as a natural consequence of events that are bound to happen no matter in what form, shape and size they come. I feel stronger, ever ready to take on another blow. There is this running sarcasm in my mind, one that I have seen in thousands of movies, when the protagonist is beaten. He keeps on shouting at his attacker, "Is that all you can do?" My paraphrased version goes like, "wala na ba?", "Sige pa! Yan lang ba?". Tapang no.
I guess, it does makes one stronger. I never tire of hearing the phrase, "What doesn’t break you, makes you stronger". It is making me now. I look up to the metal cabinet just above my desk and saw the bible verse that I printed and posted to remind me of His promise, one that has sustained me especially during the unfortunate suffering and passing of my mom. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says, " For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me, Yes when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot…"
Saturday, February 19, 2005
After a moment..
I have had several realizations borne out of my present situation. It is true indeed that one’s disposition, no matter how distressing the situation may seem. Really, when the going gets tough, you really must get going. Its only now that I am mustering the courage and finding the humility to face criticism, my shortcomings, my lack of knowledge and other deliberate wrongdoings. I now believe that the more responsibilities, activities, and tasks one is assigned or given to, double the effort and time should be given to contemplative and conversational prayer with God. Life is so mysterious that even if we think we know what it is we ought to do, and even if what should be done is laid in front of us, it take a person of great wisdom and patience to undertake the right and best thing to do.
With so much choices and direction to turn to, it is not so surprising that we take detours, commit mistakes, and choose the wrong option because our judgement has been clouded by all the options we could choose from. I now fully understand what it means to be responsible for one’s action, learning from where one has fallen, and moving forward and doing better. And this is where our dreams are of best utility. Dreams direct us and refresh our memory of what we want to become and what we want to achieve in the midst of tear-jerking, nauseating and frustrating reality. They are our abled guide when we become blind to the harshness of the world and when there seems to be no escaping the endless cruelties this world has to throw at us.
Continue to hold on to my dreams. Its just what I am determined to do. In these moments of momentary strength, I need to always re-affirm myself that everything will be ok. That in due time, I would see where everything ends and what my dear, dear Father has in store for me. Can’t wait for His promise to be fulfilled. Until then, I guess there is still strength, faith and hope left to battle out the next endless, excruciating rounds.
With so much choices and direction to turn to, it is not so surprising that we take detours, commit mistakes, and choose the wrong option because our judgement has been clouded by all the options we could choose from. I now fully understand what it means to be responsible for one’s action, learning from where one has fallen, and moving forward and doing better. And this is where our dreams are of best utility. Dreams direct us and refresh our memory of what we want to become and what we want to achieve in the midst of tear-jerking, nauseating and frustrating reality. They are our abled guide when we become blind to the harshness of the world and when there seems to be no escaping the endless cruelties this world has to throw at us.
Continue to hold on to my dreams. Its just what I am determined to do. In these moments of momentary strength, I need to always re-affirm myself that everything will be ok. That in due time, I would see where everything ends and what my dear, dear Father has in store for me. Can’t wait for His promise to be fulfilled. Until then, I guess there is still strength, faith and hope left to battle out the next endless, excruciating rounds.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Over pessimism
I have been taught that we Christians have no right to ask why a tragedy or adversities befall us. We have been indoctrinated to believe that God in His infinite wisdom, mercy and power has put in place every thing to make possible the best in our lives. We only have to trust. I am neither questioning His plans for me nor am I doubting that in all of this something good will come out. My human side however, cannot but help to ask the proverbial question whenever adversities arise. I keep on thinking why this has to happen to us, why we have to feel this way and be hurt and pained so much.
I definitely am a true blue crybaby. I cry for the most insignificant reasons. I understand it to be my biological exhaust to keep my body from absorbing the stress. But it’s funny now that I can’t seem to make the tears fall. Its been difficult for me to shed tears now, even though I am in probably one of the most difficult situation in my life.
When I look at the people around me, I wonder if they have been in this same situation or if they are currently in it. I look at my colleagues, I hear news about them, their successes – venturing in other fields, being one of the best, winning victories, getting promoted, accomplishing a feat, moving on – and I can’t help but ask, why am I stuck here? Obviously, I did not plan for this to happen. Yes, I did think that I would encounter many big rocks, but I didn’t know it would be this "interesting", to say the least. I’ve got nothing with me. I hate to think it but there are times when fear would hound me and tell me that I am not capable of doing anything. What’s more, that I’d get stuck in this job because I have successfully made it an ironic comfort zone.
Now all I could think of is the future of my brothers. I can’t help but be sorry that I am not able, for now, to give them what my mom had given me. In this, I feel I failed her. Sometimes, I start to doubt myself. Am I really capable of all the things I think I can do? Sometimes, I think I am not really as good as I think I am. I think of all the possible jobs that I can do but it seems as if I always fall short either in knowledge or experience.
I hate to admit but I am now one of those who purposely search for a living in near abandonment of their dreams. They say a person without dreams is close to becoming dead. They say we must not let our dreams conform to what we have in life now. But instead let it be our invisible ticket to the life we want to live. They say it’s not right to reduce our dreams to what we can see now. But instead let it be grand and ambitious in every way possible. Our minds have this incredible capability to create worlds beyond what reality permits. They say we should take advantage of this. But in a situation as difficult as I have, it requires excessive amount of hoping and dreaming to keep me from falling in the abyss of desperation and depression.
But then again, I might just be too pessimistic.
I definitely am a true blue crybaby. I cry for the most insignificant reasons. I understand it to be my biological exhaust to keep my body from absorbing the stress. But it’s funny now that I can’t seem to make the tears fall. Its been difficult for me to shed tears now, even though I am in probably one of the most difficult situation in my life.
When I look at the people around me, I wonder if they have been in this same situation or if they are currently in it. I look at my colleagues, I hear news about them, their successes – venturing in other fields, being one of the best, winning victories, getting promoted, accomplishing a feat, moving on – and I can’t help but ask, why am I stuck here? Obviously, I did not plan for this to happen. Yes, I did think that I would encounter many big rocks, but I didn’t know it would be this "interesting", to say the least. I’ve got nothing with me. I hate to think it but there are times when fear would hound me and tell me that I am not capable of doing anything. What’s more, that I’d get stuck in this job because I have successfully made it an ironic comfort zone.
Now all I could think of is the future of my brothers. I can’t help but be sorry that I am not able, for now, to give them what my mom had given me. In this, I feel I failed her. Sometimes, I start to doubt myself. Am I really capable of all the things I think I can do? Sometimes, I think I am not really as good as I think I am. I think of all the possible jobs that I can do but it seems as if I always fall short either in knowledge or experience.
I hate to admit but I am now one of those who purposely search for a living in near abandonment of their dreams. They say a person without dreams is close to becoming dead. They say we must not let our dreams conform to what we have in life now. But instead let it be our invisible ticket to the life we want to live. They say it’s not right to reduce our dreams to what we can see now. But instead let it be grand and ambitious in every way possible. Our minds have this incredible capability to create worlds beyond what reality permits. They say we should take advantage of this. But in a situation as difficult as I have, it requires excessive amount of hoping and dreaming to keep me from falling in the abyss of desperation and depression.
But then again, I might just be too pessimistic.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Happy Valentines Day
Maybe because I never really had a wonderful valentines experience. Nobody really swept me off my feet with a grand bouquet of roses. Nobody gave me diabetes-inducing chocolates. There were no sight of huggable, gigantic, white bears, dogs, cats, elephants, and all sorts of stuffed animals to greet me in this love-filled day. My valentines so far has been bereft of sweet nothings, spine-tingling quotes and other charming stuff.
I find no joy looking at the number of people who busy themselves with preparations for this highly commercialized event. Just like how some of my pals feel, I see this kind of celebration too cliched and highly lacking in sense especially in the time of adversity.
But I don’t blame Pinoys’ psyche for going gaga over this kind of celebration. We are never called innate romantics for nothing. And Filipino men are never so loved and swooned over for no basis at all.
The thing is , I never lived a life like the "crush ng bayan", the natural charmers, the beauty queen materials or the simply fortunate ones who have somebody who likes them come valentines day. I’d probably say I’ve been used to love-less valentines, except for the love of family and relatives and close friends, that I was inured, apathetic and even averse to the celebration of the day of hearts. And so I confess that if I had been one of those who intensely fall for valentines tricks, I wouldn’t be this "bitter", if you want to call it that. I wouldn’t be critical at the sight of red roses and the fact that restaurants, which were not usually occupied now, have waiting lists for last minute dinner arrangements.
There would have been more room for understanding to people who labor for creative ways of expressing their love to their special significant other. But I haven’t had any of those for quite sometime. Yes, I must admit, I did have my share of the valentine’s fever. But they were unfortunately short of my expectation. The first was when I was in Grade 4 with a Grade 6 classmate of my sister. I was too overwhelmed and red with embarrassment then because my teachers and classmates never stopped their banter. Plus I was so afraid that my parents would find out of the early love strain or should I say, infatuation that befall on me. The second one happened when I was fully conscious of the event. I think there were no classes that day, so he came over at our place and with him were three red roses in a box neatly wrapped by ribbons. Both feel short of what my ideal valentines should be. After which, I resigned that my ideal valentines would never happen in the next few years in my reality.
I am never close to the idea that my ideal valentines would happen in this lifetime. It might come knocking on my door tomorrow. Maybe not just on the 14th of February. For what it’s worth, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! everybody.
I find no joy looking at the number of people who busy themselves with preparations for this highly commercialized event. Just like how some of my pals feel, I see this kind of celebration too cliched and highly lacking in sense especially in the time of adversity.
But I don’t blame Pinoys’ psyche for going gaga over this kind of celebration. We are never called innate romantics for nothing. And Filipino men are never so loved and swooned over for no basis at all.
The thing is , I never lived a life like the "crush ng bayan", the natural charmers, the beauty queen materials or the simply fortunate ones who have somebody who likes them come valentines day. I’d probably say I’ve been used to love-less valentines, except for the love of family and relatives and close friends, that I was inured, apathetic and even averse to the celebration of the day of hearts. And so I confess that if I had been one of those who intensely fall for valentines tricks, I wouldn’t be this "bitter", if you want to call it that. I wouldn’t be critical at the sight of red roses and the fact that restaurants, which were not usually occupied now, have waiting lists for last minute dinner arrangements.
There would have been more room for understanding to people who labor for creative ways of expressing their love to their special significant other. But I haven’t had any of those for quite sometime. Yes, I must admit, I did have my share of the valentine’s fever. But they were unfortunately short of my expectation. The first was when I was in Grade 4 with a Grade 6 classmate of my sister. I was too overwhelmed and red with embarrassment then because my teachers and classmates never stopped their banter. Plus I was so afraid that my parents would find out of the early love strain or should I say, infatuation that befall on me. The second one happened when I was fully conscious of the event. I think there were no classes that day, so he came over at our place and with him were three red roses in a box neatly wrapped by ribbons. Both feel short of what my ideal valentines should be. After which, I resigned that my ideal valentines would never happen in the next few years in my reality.
I am never close to the idea that my ideal valentines would happen in this lifetime. It might come knocking on my door tomorrow. Maybe not just on the 14th of February. For what it’s worth, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! everybody.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
emotional roller coaster
This emotional roller coaster is driving me nuts. It’s a fairly difficult situation to be faced with but it is inevitable. Thoughts of working for the UN, shifting to a corporate career, supporting my family, living independently, and doing something holy, good, and soul-uplifting occupy my wave of consciousness. I don’t know if I am just exaggerating how excruciating it is to be in this situation, probably others can better handle my predicament or that they hide effectively well their agony. It is during these moments that I can finally witness how everything I came to learn takes its full shape. Its like they have revealed themselves full circle. Suddenly, everything has deeper meaning and they all make sense. I am quite ambivalent though if they should be taken positively or negatively. Of course, the Christian in me persuades me to take it optimistically because they all happen to make the divine plan come true.
Friday, February 11, 2005
down and out
i must have created this blog on a bad and unlucky day. i noticed most of my entries here have been rantings, moments of depression, envy, longing - or so, as far as i can remember. here i am for the second entry of the year.Goodness!i have one in janvier and another one in fevrier. So much for an online journal.
Depression and boredom is here again. I feel im dragging myself again to office. And when i'm in the office, i usually stare at my computer thinking of the oh-so-many things that i need to accomplish. There actually are a couple that needs my focus. Most taxing of which is the research report i need to deliver at least by the end of fevrier. it is a long overdue "paper" that has been assigned to me, but because of the "multi-tasking" nature of my job, i have successfully kept it under the piles of paper that keep on accumulating every day because of new additions to my responsibilities.
One good thing that happened to me the past two days: I was assigned to another business council. Not that i welcome it with open arms but because it would be a good venue to practice and force myself to learn francaise. I unfortunately, stopped my french lessons because of some concerns that cannot be set aside. Hopefully i can enrol the next round which is in april. for now i have to converse with philip so that i dont forget the precious french lines i learned in class.
office hours is about to end again. i haven't done much.and i am not proud of it. I feel i have been useless and too depressed to do something productive and worthy to be proud of. Good thing, mike is here to provide capsules of spiritual medicine which i could really use. Dont get me wrong because i know i am not the most destitute in the world but sometimes i think that thinking I am not worse off than most who have nothing with them is not really the right way of getting myself out of this rabbit hole i accidentally, or not, fell into. I probably am concentrating on myself too much.
i just learned that trina was off to norway for two grand weeks!what a life. we'll i believe she really deserves it. She's one of the most brilliant person i know. Thank God I have somebody like her who i can look up to.
I wish i would stop wishing and hoping and really do something about my situation. The thing is i dont even know what is my situation. i am constantly looking for something but i can't seem to find it. And it gets worse because i have become hypochondriac since the year started. i've been so paranoid lately that i'd end up with the same fate as my mother. I don't want to die screaming myself to death because of cancer. I'd have to un-learn this habit because i know sooner or later, i will die of thinking of things that haven't happened yet.
So help me God.
p.s. wow!writing my thoughts here is soooo liberating. i felt good and light..i should do this again.
Depression and boredom is here again. I feel im dragging myself again to office. And when i'm in the office, i usually stare at my computer thinking of the oh-so-many things that i need to accomplish. There actually are a couple that needs my focus. Most taxing of which is the research report i need to deliver at least by the end of fevrier. it is a long overdue "paper" that has been assigned to me, but because of the "multi-tasking" nature of my job, i have successfully kept it under the piles of paper that keep on accumulating every day because of new additions to my responsibilities.
One good thing that happened to me the past two days: I was assigned to another business council. Not that i welcome it with open arms but because it would be a good venue to practice and force myself to learn francaise. I unfortunately, stopped my french lessons because of some concerns that cannot be set aside. Hopefully i can enrol the next round which is in april. for now i have to converse with philip so that i dont forget the precious french lines i learned in class.
office hours is about to end again. i haven't done much.and i am not proud of it. I feel i have been useless and too depressed to do something productive and worthy to be proud of. Good thing, mike is here to provide capsules of spiritual medicine which i could really use. Dont get me wrong because i know i am not the most destitute in the world but sometimes i think that thinking I am not worse off than most who have nothing with them is not really the right way of getting myself out of this rabbit hole i accidentally, or not, fell into. I probably am concentrating on myself too much.
i just learned that trina was off to norway for two grand weeks!what a life. we'll i believe she really deserves it. She's one of the most brilliant person i know. Thank God I have somebody like her who i can look up to.
I wish i would stop wishing and hoping and really do something about my situation. The thing is i dont even know what is my situation. i am constantly looking for something but i can't seem to find it. And it gets worse because i have become hypochondriac since the year started. i've been so paranoid lately that i'd end up with the same fate as my mother. I don't want to die screaming myself to death because of cancer. I'd have to un-learn this habit because i know sooner or later, i will die of thinking of things that haven't happened yet.
So help me God.
p.s. wow!writing my thoughts here is soooo liberating. i felt good and light..i should do this again.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Happy New Year!
Wow! its a new year once again. The last post I have was last October.haha. SO much for resolving to write every day in my blog. Well, i must admit i was quite disappointed that I cannot so easily change my blog to look the way I wanted it to because i have to learn html and stuff...i will though...
And so here I am again...i'm gonna try to do it again..to be diligent and make this a more productive and active online journal. Heck, ive got way to many diaries at home. This is way fun though. HMMM....I've been thinking of getting the blog addresses(?) of my friends so that people can also link to them if ever they wander in my space.
I've got many resolutions, too. Just like my friend ia who came up with quality-tell-the-world new year's resolutions (not the way she phrased it). Im not quite sure how to phrase mine so i might have them kept in private until i can decide that its worth publishing. But i could probably list some that have been floating in my mind.
1. of course, there's the diligent entry to my blog.
2. then, i would also plan to learn html so i could design my blog.
3. probably attend more sfc meetings.
4. FOCUS!
5. READ! its not as if I haven't been reading the past year.
6. be more organized..
7. be more patient..
8. document stuff..and events..and update my scrapbook...
ok. this ain't the best and keenest new year's resolution you will find..but i will try to find time to think over it and really reflect on the things i need to change and do for this year. I used to have this notion that one should have prepared their new year's resolution before the year ends so that when the 1st of january strikes, he or she could really start with a clean slate...only to realize in the middle of the year that the resolutions were not followed and achieved..I've changed now. Of course I need to think things over and meditate on the events in my life (drama!) but hey, I can do it without pressure and do it without thinking that this is just a mere new year's resolution for the occasion. I plan to make a real resolution that would help improve and develop my habits and make me a better person.
Happy New Year everybody!
And so here I am again...i'm gonna try to do it again..to be diligent and make this a more productive and active online journal. Heck, ive got way to many diaries at home. This is way fun though. HMMM....I've been thinking of getting the blog addresses(?) of my friends so that people can also link to them if ever they wander in my space.
I've got many resolutions, too. Just like my friend ia who came up with quality-tell-the-world new year's resolutions (not the way she phrased it). Im not quite sure how to phrase mine so i might have them kept in private until i can decide that its worth publishing. But i could probably list some that have been floating in my mind.
1. of course, there's the diligent entry to my blog.
2. then, i would also plan to learn html so i could design my blog.
3. probably attend more sfc meetings.
4. FOCUS!
5. READ! its not as if I haven't been reading the past year.
6. be more organized..
7. be more patient..
8. document stuff..and events..and update my scrapbook...
ok. this ain't the best and keenest new year's resolution you will find..but i will try to find time to think over it and really reflect on the things i need to change and do for this year. I used to have this notion that one should have prepared their new year's resolution before the year ends so that when the 1st of january strikes, he or she could really start with a clean slate...only to realize in the middle of the year that the resolutions were not followed and achieved..I've changed now. Of course I need to think things over and meditate on the events in my life (drama!) but hey, I can do it without pressure and do it without thinking that this is just a mere new year's resolution for the occasion. I plan to make a real resolution that would help improve and develop my habits and make me a better person.
Happy New Year everybody!
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