Today is one of those days when I feel I have been practically unproductive but mentally productive. I have been having quite a hard time trying to wake up earlier than 9am and really start a day before 11am. Its as if i have become lazier by the day and I can't believe I could not resist the call of the bed every time i wake up earlier. My goal has been to wake up at 6am and start my day at 7am. I would feel more useful that way.
I got my admission letter to the master's degree program in international studies today. I picked it up from the office. Slowly, it is beginning to dawn on me what path I should take in the next couple of days and months. If I have been confused before its because i have set myself out to do so many things at once. I have been unknowingly impatient, but I know it now, obviously from my confessions here. I thought that taking that other course (not nursing and not caregiver) would get me easier to the land of the free and the land where the most bizarre dreams come true. But then I realized that the more I put in additional options, it would be harder for me to decide which way to go. Plus, i think that some of the thinking i've done actually helped me realize a couple things that have been useful in my current situation.
I want to work in the UN. I really want to. Not simply because it would afford me the opportunity to work on something I really am interested in but also because I know i can support my family by working there. Just now, I realized, when I do get there, when I get to work for the institution I have dreaming of, what next?
i guess, it makes better sense to change my goal to something more lofty. Maybe aiming to live my life pleasing to the eyes of God is more challenging. its a constant pursuit for perfection - God's eyes. i don't have to ask myself in the near future, "what next?" Its something that I always have to work on. Because I believe that its in my nature to be sinful and its a constant challenge for me to strive to avoid sin. Its a never ending battle but a battle worth fighting for.
I have been through so many and most of the times I have failed to live up to the promise I made to God when I said I will stand up with my faith and live a life pleasing to His eyes no matter what. I am making that commitment again. I will not let go of God's hands no matter where He plans on dragging or taking me. And I need God's spirit to help me fulfill this promise.
Ngaun pa ba ako aatras? The going is getting tougher.......and so must I.
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