And I quote

I envy the people who can easily remember the lines from a particular reading or book, be it a literary masterpiece or simply a notable commentary and who can use it in the proper context. There are only a few people I know who can do that and they never fail to impress me. I have always had that desire to be able to mouth off borrowed lines from someone else's work because of my lack of imagination and probably creativity to express how I feel in the most appropriate way. I wish I’d be able to achieve this in my lifetime.

Youth

I have the gift of eternal youth. I look younger than my age and a lot of people marvel at this. In an attempt to be humble, I would say its also the advantage of being small. Truth be told, I do not feel like I aged because I still want to do some of the things I wanted to do when I was younger. Not that I'm too old for those things, but while my contemporaries prefer chats and catch-up sessions over coffee, I would not mind going to pubs and bar to enjoy some blasting party. So if you ever drop by this site, feel free to invite me to a nice club or pub and I will not let you down.

100 words

I was very fortunate to have been able to spend some time with a friend who I idolize to some extent because of the work that he does and his brilliance in thought. We talked about writing and how though I like writing, I fail to be good at it and it keeps me from writing even more. He said that if there is one thing he is absolutely sure of its that he likes to write and that his pursuit to become a better writer makes him even more determined to write as much for its the only way to become better, regardless if the writing is not the best that he can come up with at the time.

He shared with me an advice given by a "poet lord" he spoke with before and that is to write 100 words daily and to do this diligently. He said that if this is done consistently, one would have already written 36,000 words, comparable to that of a short novel and what's more, the ability to easily write would have been harnessed at the end of the 365 days.

SO here I am, introducing the journey I am about to take. Good luck to me!

Crush

I've got a crush on you, I hope you feel the way that I do, I get a rush when I am with you, ooohhhh, I've got a crush on you

It's fun liking someone again. Not that I haven't known that before its just that every time it happens, it's a different experience. Haha. I feel alive. Really alive. I feel like smiling all day and it gives me good vibes!

I hope he invites me out. Haha.

I entrust my life..and worries to You

My sister is about to give birth on the first week on November. MY dad has been complaining of on and off pains in his chest area. I haven't seen my brother Mark for like 3 weeks now and haven't even had a decent conversation with him for quite sometime now. It's enrolment time again and I'm not sure how much I need to give to my brother for his last enrolment. These are the things that pre-occupy my mind today, among other things. I'd like to think that I am a very balanced person and that I can take care of others' needs in as much as I take care of mine. But this time, there has just been too many things going on in someone else's life apart from mine.

I worry over these things and I guess its but natural because these things concern people I care about. I hope that I can do more.

I want to write

I want to write about life so that when I do not have the time to go and rummage through the memories in boxes or even cabinets, I can just simply click on the internet and reconnect to my past with the words I've written down sometime in my life. In my capacity now, words do not justify the life I have. I cannot just as yet find the right words to express the things and events in my life and just how wonderfully amazing and sometimes depressing it has been.

There's a part in me that is determined to document all of these because somehow deep within me there are things that I may not be able to share with someone. Its true now for me than at any other time in my life when they say that there are a lot of things going on in a woman's mind that no one will ever find out, whether its her choice or because no one dared to ask or search it. Perhaps its part of the enigma of life, why certain things are left unknown even when its within someone's reach, how something confronting us is still left unseen. Somehow there is hope in me that tells me, someday, someone out there in this great, big world, will see through me and understand my yearnings, my thoughts, and why I have them. He may not share it, but knows it and because of it, he is never the same again. It's probably too much to ask, but its a dream. It's a dream that I do not know how to fulfill because whereas I can probably find a way to climb mountains and do the impossible, I cannot beg, and will not beg for someone to love me.

Moving on, I've written down somewhere, in a couple of pages and spaces, the things I want to write about and I still have a few left in my mind. I've never come to write anything complete. It takes quite a while for me to express myself in the most appropriate ways. It's a good thing that only very few knows this space. I have the liberty to write just about anything, even things that I am ashamed to admit to myself out loud. This page has sort of become my refuge, especially when I am in denial. I look back and read again the things I've written down and the stories, the thoughts, the words, take me back to memory lane. Surprise to say when I read some of the entries, I can feel how I felt a long time ago, even the emptiness, even the sadness. I am definitely not a good writer, but only for the reason that I can relive the feelings and memories, I'd say its a pretty good thing.

The inspiration to write again came from a newfound friend when I found his columns. He doesn't know that I did, but I found his writings, and I was impressed. Well, I was already impressed at him to begin with but more so, when I found out about his religious affiliation. I wish I could write like that. His random and yet very meaningful use of words takes me to what he sees and what he understands. I wish I could let people see the way I see the world.

I want to write. And I will.

When this too shall pass is not enough

This too shall pass

I've liked that line since I was in college, round about the time when my Mom was hospitalized for appendicitis. Every time, something happens to my mom back then, I would run this line over and over again just to assure myself that I, we will not have to deal with whatever for long. And then it became a habit. I would summon the courage it gives whenever something difficult comes by - I try to live less when I'm in that situation and then hope that by the time I wake up, the worst is over. It has been like that for quite sometime and I coped because of that. I must say though that when the toughest times came, I was forced to abandon the momentary courage it gives and faced the monsters I was confronted with. It did me good. I am tougher now. It is still a puzzle for me though, how and where I got the strength to face the challenges in my life. I just remember that when they came, I would wake up one day with more courage to say, "Bring it on!", and then when it hits harder I'd tease it with, "Is this all that you can do?". No guessing is needed to say that life brings out the best and worst in us in very unusual ways. I'd say that, the toughest times brought out the best in me.

It is different for others though. My friend Rizza, with a sudden twist of fate, is now carrying a burden for her family. Her sister is still in the hospital, only God knows when she will wake up and her father needs to be operated on because of a heart condition and if that is not enough, she is the one running their business in place of her sister. For quite sometime now, I have not spoken with Cheng and I am not sure how she is holding up. The last news I have of her was that her sister is still unconscious and her father has been sent home from the hospital. I would sometimes think of how it feels to be in her place and I can't even go past the part where I would say to myself, this too shall pass because I know for a fact, based on experience that it's not appropriate. I tried to say to Cheng to pick herself up to stand and fight. Fight for her sanity, fight for her family, fight for her sister, and fight for their lives. No one would say, "ok lang yan", coz its not OKAI. It never will be. Having to suffer that kind of threat, even if you get past it, is not OKAI.

The thing is, it is not okay to simply say, this too shall pass because it is almost as if one is turning his or her back from what he or she is confronted with. While it is understandable that the ordeal or any ordeal of this scale for that matter is difficult, it is not an excuse to be passive about it. I've learned that experiences of this magnitude does not happen randomly or for no reason at all - unlike what I would fondly recall from one of my classes, when my professor would regard things that happen in international politics as a random act of randomness, or to put it simply, shit happens. There is a grand design in all of these - and this is me talking in a very conservative manner. No one knows what until the worst part is over. It has occurred to me at some point whether the things we get out of the experience could not be had through other means and I found the answer just now. Even if it there were other ways of learning what needs to be learned, the problem to be confronted next is if those were easier than the one that just happened.

Humans are equipped with an amazing capacity to survive, having done so for centuries. And to say this is not just to talk about physical survival but also emotional, pychological, mental, and even spiritual survival. I've always believed that there is a lesson to be learned with every experience, the more striking the experience, the more potent the lesson. To brush off life and what comes with it, with a simple "this too shall pass" is to forego of that gem that comes along with accomplishing the task. It's like SuperMario game (I'm this old and I'm this ignorant with computer and even online games that I don't have anything recent to use), every block you destroy is equivalent to some points the harder you knock off the block the higher the points. It takes a few, yes, a few of these bigger blocks to understand that this is life's game. This is how it unfolds. There is no and there shouldn't be any turning away or letting past of this opportunity. To let go of these moments would be to live life less.

Sometimes, I would close my eyes to relive the memory of the tough times. Now, I would count the moments when I would say I would never have it any other way. And for me, those times were the times when I stared at each challenge straight-faced in pain and boldly saying, bring it on.

You would know when a person got the most out of life when this is his or her outlook. But it takes so much to get to this point. I am fortunate to have gone through a lot to even be able to say this. I know that there is much more out there. And I am scared but I will have to face it anyway because no amount of preparation can equip me with the a solution for anything that might happen. I just know I have to face it first before I get to the part of solving it.

We need to experience saying this too shall pass but we will have to let it go at some point in time because life is more meaningful when lived to the fullest.

Leos

Funny how you can associate with what the stars say about you. But it still is about you deciding who you are.

From www.astrology-online.com

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The Leo type is the most dominant, spontaneously creative and extrovert of all the zodiacal characters. In grandeur of manner, splendor of bearing and magnanimity of personality, they are the monarch's among humans as the lion is king of beasts. They are ambitious, courageous, dominant, strong willed, positive, independent, self-confident there is no such a word as doubt in their vocabularies, and they are self-controlled. Born leaders, either in support of, or in revolt against, the status quo. They are at their most effective when in a position of command, their personal magnetism and innate courtesy of mind bringing out the best of loyalty from subordinates. They are uncomplicated, knowing exactly what they want and using all their energies, creativeness and resolution to get it, as well as being certain that they will get whatever they are after. Their followers know where they are with Leonians. Leonians think and act bigger than others would normally dare; the ambitiousness of their schemes and idealism sometimes daunt their followers, their practical hardheadedness and ability to go straight to the heart of any problem reassures those who depend on them. If Leonians meet with setbacks they thrive on the adversity.

On the whole they are powers for good, for they are strongly idealistic, humane, and beneficent. They have powerful intelligence and are of a broad philosophical, sometimes religious, turn of mind. Those who are devout may become very obstinate in upholding traditional beliefs and will cling tenaciously, but with complete sincerity, to practices and doctrines which liberal thinkers regard as absurdly out-of-date. These will be found as the 'lions' of industries, and in the forefront of the cutting edge of technologies.

Their faults can be as large in scale as their virtues, and an excessively negative Leonian can be one of the most unpleasant human beings imaginable, displaying extreme arrogance, autocratic pride, haughtiness, and excessive hastiness of temper. If jealously suspicious of rivals, they will not hesitate to use cunning, lies and trickery to discredit them. Self-centeredness, greed for flattery, boastfulness, and bombast, pomposity, snobbish superiority, and overbearing, and intolerant disdain of underlings; to whom they will nevertheless delegate the carrying out of minor details in their grandiose schemes, and from whom they are not above borrowing immoderately if an occasion necessitates it. Any of these can be characteristic of Leo. Add to them a passion for luxury, a lust for power, unlimited sexual lust, and emotional indulgence, and a character emerges that no one would want to know either in public life or private. But their pride may go before a fall, as uncontrolled impetuosity is likely to bring them low. Fortunately it is rare that a Leo is so undisciplined as to give way thoroughly to this list of vices, and their tendencies to them are usually balanced by an innate wisdom. Those who are afflicted with them also have the intelligence it takes to consciously and actively overcome them.

In professional life they do well at any vocation at which there is room at the top. As politicians they are content with nothing less than a powerful position in government. In business they may be the chairman of their company's board, or at least directors or managers. They are excellent organizers and overseers, often laying the groundwork for new projects. If from the artisan ranks of society they will aspire to become the boss, partly because they are ambitious by nature, partly because they dislike manual labor, preferring to take charge of others doing it. If artistic, Leos can become stars of stage or screen (their bent is serious rather than light drama), maestros as musicians where they will gravitate toward the grand instruments or activities, such as the organ or conducting of orchestras and as painters; anything grand in conception and scale appeals to them. Leo women make exceptionally good welfare workers.

In his or her relations with others the Leo type is open, sincere, genuine and trusting. Outgoing, spontaneously warm hearted and plain spoken, though never lacking in kindliness, Leos are more disillusioned than the average if let down by those they trust. They are not good judges of character and are inclined to favoritism and an exaggerated faith in their followers which too often ends in disappointment. They have a strong sex drive and are so attracted to the opposite sex that they find it hard to be constant; they can be so intensely sexual as to become dissolute. They may have numerous love affairs for their love of pleasure and beauty is liable to drive them from one attractive partner to another. They are very much inclined to deceive. Their marriages may fail for the same reason, yet they are sincere and generous to their lovers while love lasts, and will remain attached to their homes so long as it is run for their benefit. They demand service but are incapable of giving it.

Randomness

I just came from two trips, one abroad, one out-of-town: both exhilirating and worth cherishing. The circumstances surrounding those trips though are not. No doubt, its challenging, considering that I was close to abandoning the trips which were planned months before. Its like what my professor and a friend of mine said, "Shit happens." Honestly, its been happening quite often. I'm just trying to put up a brave and cheerful face because I believe in dignified sufferings.

My aunt told me that I should be offering my sufferings for something in exchange; and I am doing so now. But I also want to ask God if He could also in His grand plan include the realization of this dream:

http://graduateinstitute.ch/


"Please God, I know this is impossible without me doing anything but I really don't know where to start. I am begging to you, to help me do something about this to so that at the very least I would have a fighting chance at this; a shot; a window of opportunity. Right now, that's all I ask. I know you know the desire in the deepest depths of my heart. I believe that there is no stronger belief in my heart than this. But I am willing to let it go if you tell me so. I will let this go the moment I discern that this is not part of Your plan. But I also know that YOU here ardent prayers. I beg you most humbly, help me to get to HEI."

I hope that this sounds really more of a prayer than a desperate plea 'coz I'm bound to repeat this over and over again until my time is up.

At peace

I'm broke. If you want to talk about liquidity, I'm as solid as you can get; probably even gas in state 'coz there is just nothing you can squeeze out of me. I did come from a trip I had to pay for all by myself, which is one of the reasons why I'm broke but I got richer in experience.

My dad and I, or my dad and his children (including me, of course) are not in speaking terms. Now this has bothered me a lot lately. I find myself holding back the tears, sometimes unsuccessfully, because its not right, not to mention does not feel right to be in a 'cold war' with our only parent. He would not talk to us and there is too much holding back within him. And honestly, I don't even know how to help him.

Again, I'm at a crossroad in my life; but this time, the road is more defined. It's not as rough as it was when I used to be in this position. It's been lately about my role as a daughter and a member of our family and my dreams and what I want to do and pursue. At the back of my mind I can hear me saying, life is a zero-sum game. The struggling part though is telling me that it doesn't have to be that way.

I want to be rich.

And I am at peace.

Where do dreams go?

If they don't come true, where do they end up?

Myriad of ideas but few words

I came home from work last Friday earlier than expected, considering that it was a Friday night. I was not able to go to mass because there are no evening masses last week as priests have some sort of conference and most of them will be attending it. I had the chance to clean up my email which is by the way an overdue task in my invisible checklist. Tons and tons of workload fell on my lap when I started with Batch 98 even if I haven't finished with Batch 94. Its a good thing though that I have a very fun batch with me although I am foreseeing some difficulties for me in the future; not that I am not prepared for it or I cannot handle it. But its another entry altogether.

So anyway, I came home and did some tidying up and then I'm done. I sat on our sofa and stared at the space of our small unit. As I contemplate on something I wanted to do next, it came to me that I am slowly losing a part of my life, social life, that is. When I became a training officer, I wanted to become really good (my goal is to be the best). So I spend most of my time in the office practicing my OC-ness over admin work, over the training material, and what have yous. I spent most of day yesterday, in front of the TV and tried finishing The unbearable lightness of being. Eventhough I am just a few flips aways from the last page, I still felt useless and unproductive.

This is not how it should happen I said to myself. I know I can do better. Going back from the time I sat in our sofa, ideas and thoughts came descending on me. Giving me brilliant flashes inspiration to write about. Until this moment, that's all they ever are because I cannot even recall most of them. I just know that I have it in me, and that it will soon happen.