Guide to Greatness

I feel like I'm missing something. I am not satisfied with what I am doing, and that there are better ways to do what I do and better things to hope and achieve. 

I ask you God for guidance. Lead me to the greatness that You have ordained for me. Do not allow me to be discouraged especially when I don't understand what I am doing and where I am. 

Inspiration

Life can never be boring. It's a bold statement, I know, but every once in a while, life lets you in on a shared secret with everyone who never stops hustling. It is difficult and crazy and discouraging and fun and loving and sweet and inspiring but it is never boring. We all get caught up in a moment, or get stuck in the past, or day-dream about the future (done all three more than what is healthily allowable) and we forget that life is eager to lived and that a huge part of that requires our participation. I guess what we all need is the right amount of fighting chances to live through the moments of difficulties and a great memory for all the good things we enjoyed. There's so much to be thankful for and right now, I'm grateful for the inspiration and my dose of fighting chance. 

Not so 30 days challenge

When there is no other way but forward, you hold on to that flickering light of hope that tells you there is healing when you come closer to the light. 

I have every reason to believe otherwise. I can make up a lot excuses why this is not for me but today I will shut my ears to all my reason and do what my gut feeling tells me to do.  

Let’s do this. #Bikram30

Sure as the sun rises

As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, i know you will come and i will meet you.

Day 9 to 34

I’m writing this while in hibernation. Who would have thought that there’s so much happening while you let the rest of the world live and you watch with half-intent and half-wonder as to what good will come out of this break?

When all the world is trying to figure out how to think on its feet, in split second speed, I have decided to step on the breaks and get out of the race. In the process, I figuratively screeched conscious not to be trampled by the speeding crowd. There has to be another way to live life: I was overwhelmed by the responsibility that 13 or more so years I have taken on because there was just no one to take it. I thought I was doing it out of love, but somehow, somewhere along my journey, it just became heavier and heavier for me, until my body started manifesting how heavy it was. Backaches not going away, my head beating on all sides, my feet refusing to take longer steps, my lower back tight as a glued bottle cap. 

Now, I am slowing down. I am in the process of thinking one thought at a time, taking one task at a time. I am learning how to appreciate that doing nothing is actually doing something for the most important person in my life. Me. 

I am so engrossed with knowing how to do things; preparing for the worst case scenario; being the person with the plan. I thought it would make things better, it would make me feel better when I always have a plan in place, when I know what to do all the time. But it just became an addiction, to try and be ahead of life, of what is supposed to happen, or what will happen. I have been trying to outsmart life but it just became all too overwhelming for me. 

What if something happens there while I am here? They need to know how to take care of things and be organised. What if they make the wrong decisions and it costs us more? What if someone in our family gets sick? What if I don’t do well here? What if they don’t learn? What if we get deeper in debt? And for every what if, I thought I should have a plan. I didn’t expect I’d get off the driver seat and sit on the passenger side. 

Today, I am realising that all my fears will come true because although i have tried to steer away from them, it is exactly where I was focused. 

I was so afraid not to know what to do because when I took on the role, i didn’t know what I was doing and I thought I was doing a bad job. Looking back, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore because I am here now and we got to where we are with bruises and cuts, sore and some times battered, but we still arrived.

Maybe it is okay not to know and start planning when life actually happens. Maybe that’s a skill in itself, to keep calm and not panic even when life deals the worst card you can possibly have. 

Maybe I was thinking wrong all this time and I was keeping them from realising their full capacity by being always there for them. 

Maybe my going away is what exactly what they needed in order to become the very persons I want them to be. 

Maybe my plans are not really the best there is. And finally, after a very long time, I feel like it’s okay. 

It’s going to be okay because they will figure it out sooner or later. 

During one of my bikram yoga class, I heard the instructor say after a pose, to let it all go, it’s done now. I thought about it and I felt that my mom whispered to me, you are done now. You can let them go. 

So this is the start of letting go. 

Beaten

Sometimes I just hope that someone, in some way would just tell me what is wrong with me. And then I can get it fixed, and then I can move on. But there’s no one, and there is nothing but myself. I’m overwhelmed and I want to just let go. 

I'm going to cry

I'm not going to rant.
I'm not going to be bitter about what I've lost.
I'm not going to go on a massive Facebook confession.
There will be no emo quotes.

There will be no downcast posts.

But there will be tears. Lots and lots of it.
I am not holding back until it runs dry.
Until I get tired and cry no more.

I will sob until I can't breathe.
And I will write.
I will write about the agony, and the anguish of a beautiful love
that has gone astray and has vanished.

I'm going to cry. 

His name is Jay

And i lost him. I walked away from him but he never followed. 

He was my first boyfriend after a very long time. 

It happened because I wanted us to go to my family but he didn't want to. His reason was their place was far, it's going to be late when we get home. This I find to be unacceptable and so I told him I'm leaving. Spur of the moment decision - out of disbelief that he would dare give me very shallow reasons. 

I really thought there was something going on there; for a time there was. And then it slowly dwindled. I agreed for him not to drive me home because my place is very far and petrol was expensive and he doesn't like driving around in traffic. To be fair, I did think that it was very far and quite unfair for him. SO I accepted that. 

And then he let me commute because he wants to drink with his dad, which to be fair was okay (he doesn't live with his dad and he rarely see him). And then he wouldn't pick me up from the station because he wants to watch a footy game. And then he doesn't want to spend a lot with me because he spent a lot on his own already. 

Maybe we are just to jaded to love. I've been protective of myself and has been holding back, and I know and feel, so does he. We are both afraid of commitment because we have been hurt before. But I don't want it to be like this. They say that there are lots of mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them. I don't want a mediocre love and relationship. 

I walked out on him when he was really sick, the one time he was sick during our time together. I walked out on him and I felt bad. I'm feel sorry but it has been done. I am scared to know what and how it made him feel because I didn't want to hurt him.

Maybe this is not yet it; maybe we both have our own lessons to learn, own stories to write, separate lives to live; maybe I can still hold on to the idea of us in the next few days. 

I know the days will pass by and it will be soon be over. I just hope that the tears dry up as quickly as they should so that I can talk freely of how beautiful that love was. 

His name was Jay and he's no longer mine.