Somewhere over the rainbow

Struggle is less and less but there are still moments, particular times in a day when I want him. I will never understand now why things are happening but I believe there’s always a silver lining in every cloud. The truth is I shouldn’t have fallen for him. All he wanted was sex and he got it. I am so wrapped up in my fantasy that I couldn’t even accept that all that there was, was sex. 

I am not the only woman who fell for this and with a bruised ego, I am picking myself up. I am taking responsibility for my own stupidity and I am not going to say, I should have known better because I don’t. I really don’t know a lot about this; I now know a bit. I hope the worst is over. 

I am worthy

I think I am boring. I don't really do much lately except work; but so do others. Semi-consistently, I go to bikram yoga which has given me absolute refuge and afforded me the peace and good health I would otherwise be struggling to get. 

I like to be active. I really want to run if only I don't fear experiencing headaches and injuring my knee. I like to do something adventurous if only my fear of something happening that would cause me grief or pain doesn't surface before I get to do it. 

I like to try different things and be able to share something when people ask if I have done it. I like to have a bucket list that I create as I do them because the truth is, I don't exactly have definite things I want to do. I have written a few, and I don't know if I will be able to do them. Maybe that's the reason why it is called a bucket list.

People see me as a face of happiness, something which I am genuinely happy about. 

I fall hard. I love deep. I forget about me and that makes me too much for others. I am always too much for others. 

I like romcoms and I like crying although I haven't admitted this to myself. I get so much relief when I cry and it pisses me off and loves it at the same time. Pisses me off because I look awful when I cry with my bulgy eyes and red nose, and loves it because I get to release what shouldn't be cramped in my tiny cage. 

I like good looking men. I swoon over metrosexuals; I adore smart and intelligent men. I fall immediately for the ones with superb sense of humour. And before I forget, I also absolutely die for gentlemen. So unless I am the luckiest woman in the world, and get to find someone who has all of these, it kinda say that I am not very sure what I want in a man. We are not even talking about non-negotiables. 

There are a lot things I don't know about myself. I am a walking tentative. I borrow from others what they think is admirable and make it mine. 

I am not modelesque although I have always wanted to be. I am not the kind of woman who will turn heads although sometimes I wish am. 

I think I am good with what I do, although, I am always never satisfied. I am always hard on myself. I want to be the best. I want to be the standard. 

I think I am beautiful. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress. 
I'd like to think I am smart. I am attracted to intelligent discussions, especially if I can participate in it. 

I cannot be a beauty queen or model and I cannot be another person for anyone so I have stopped thinking I need to compete. I cannot be a hot chick; I can only be the cute, sometimes funny, energetic, happy, animated, emotional, scared, insecure woman I am. I am trying to work on what needs to be worked on but I am starting to understand who I am. I am a late bloomer. 

I am worthy. I am worthy of respect and love. I am worthy to be pursued. I am worthy to be the choice. I am my Father's daughter. 

I am hurt because I love. I choose to love, and whether he is worthy or not is a different discussion altogether. Being hurt because I was not chosen is not equals to inferiority. It is not tantamount to not being worthy. Not being chosen, unrequited love and affection doesn't negate my worthiness. 

I am worthy. 

Limbo

I don’t want to understand it. This situation is as trite as the saying, ‘been there, done that’. There is nothing more to say and to explain to myself. 

I have probably heard all the possible rationale from myself, from the people around me, and from wisdom of others who have gone through the same ordeal of unrequited affection. The well of tears that once was full is now dry and tired. No more tears to shed. Just plain dry pain. 

I cannot understand why this has to happen at the time when my father is struggling with his life and I, together with my siblings are trying to pull ourselves together to make ends meet, to be strong for our father, for ourselves. 

I am tired. I am hurt. But I am learning. 

And maybe this is what it takes for the message to be heard. 

Just like any other day that starts with a sunrise and ends with a sunset, it is just what it is. 

There is no redemptive ending to look forward to. 

There is just living and moving on. Sunrise and sunset. 

It feels like forever. 

I don’t know what value this has to you Lord. 

Because it just hurts a lot. I don’t know what You do with pain like this. 

I want to say that I want this to be over but I know that I also don’t want it. 

I want to learn from this. I want to see myself through this; at least feel myself be brave about facing this. 

Never Give Up

Not mine but someone else's. 

"At age 23, Tina Fey was working at a YMCA.

At age 23, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job.

At age 24, Stephen King was working as a janitor and living in a trailer.

At age 27, Vincent Van Gogh failed as a missionary and decided to go to art school.

At age 28, J.K. Rowling was a suicidal single parent living on welfare.

At age 28, Wayne Coyne (from The Flaming Lips) was a fry cook.

At age 30, Harrison Ford was a carpenter.

At age 30, Martha Stewart was a stockbroker.

At age 37, Ang Lee was a stay-at-home-dad working odd jobs.

Julia Child released her first cookbook at age 39, and got her own cooking show at age 51.

Vera Wang failed to make the Olympic figure skating team, didn’t get the Editor-in-Chief position at Vogue, and designed her first dress at age 40.

Stan Lee didn’t release his first big comic book until he was 40.

Alan Rickman gave up his graphic design career to pursue acting at age 42.

Samuel L. Jackson didn’t get his first movie role until he was 46.

Morgan Freeman landed his first MAJOR movie role at age 52.

Kathryn Bigelow only reached international success when she made The Hurt Locker at age 57.

Grandma Moses didn’t begin her painting career until age 76.

Louise Bourgeois didn’t become a famous artist until she was 78.

Whatever your dream is, it is not too late to achieve it. You aren’t a failure because you haven’t found fame and fortune by the age of 21. Hell, it’s okay if you don’t even know what your dream is yet. Even if you’re flipping burgers, waiting tables or answering phones today, you never know where you’ll end up tomorrow.

Never tell yourself you’re too old to make it.
Never tell yourself you missed your chance.
Never tell yourself that you aren’t good enough.
You can do it. Whatever it is."

I Choose Me

I mustered the courage to walk up to you and talk about ‘work’. I know that I had to find an excuse because we haven’t had the chance to talk after quite sometime. I am so thankful you asked if I had the time or if I was I going home already. I managed to get my heart to beat normally as I said I can stay and chat with you. I try not to stare too much in your eyes because they are just so blue and adorable and I don’t want to find myself dreaming too much of something that is over. I want to enjoy your company and the possibility of being close again but not too much for comfort, at least for my own good. 

I like talking to you because you are one of those men who I feel is so in touch with their emotions. It is very easy to like you, but you are a dangerous kind to women like me. You like women very much; so much that you play around, fool around, and juggle one from another; and that I feel is not something that will sit well with me. There obviously were things that we talked about when we were ‘playing’ around that touched me and endeared me to you. I still keep thinking if those were normal things you share with all your women to make them warm up to you. I feel my heart has just uttered a silent prayer hoping that at that moment those were different words and that I was special, but who am i kidding? I am exceptionally and quite sadly familiar with unrequited affection that it is ridiculous that hope still exists in me in this area. 

So we talked, and I try to prolong our conversation because I know that this is all that I can have and all that there is to be. I had hoped that every attempt you had to touch me was an effort to connect to me, to be close because you feel something for me too. Who am I kidding? I have held on so tightly to that saying that men will always let us know if they like someone; there is no room for confusion. And if it comes to that point, he doesn’t really like you at all. I am not even confused. There is nothing beyond our passionate but playful nights and that makes me sad, just a little bit. I wished there were more to it and there is none. 

As I walk home to the train station, I think of how wonderful it would be to have you as a partner. And then I started thinking of what I need to do to keep that attention on me; the work that I have to put in just to feel wanted by you and I feel as if life has just been drained out of me. I don’t want to put myself through that anymore; I don’t want to feel less than my worth; I have been there and I thought I’d never come out alive. 

I know I am worthy of an undivided attention, of a loyal affection, of love and effort. I am not perfect but I do not want to feel less than anyone anymore because I am not liked or loved for who I am and what I can offer. I deserve to be loved and taken cared of. I want to stand up for myself. 

In as much as I like you, I realised that I cannot live my life chasing other people. I don’t want men to chase me anymore. I want them to respect and love me, to choose me because I am enough on my own. 

I like you a lot but this time, I am choosing me. 

A light babble of a broken heart

The heart is cunning. It commands strongly and most of the time insanely. It is relentless. For someone like me who is ruled by emotions, it is a constant struggle to be sane, to live within reason. People don’t see the agony I go through because I act normal, I try to, all the time. Some get a glimpse, and others maybe understand that I love, love, love life; and that love rules me. I feel so much emotion and passion towards my advocacies, my passion, my gifts, my life, the life of others that touch my heart. Love, loving is excruciating but it is fulfilling. It is exhilarating. It makes me feel alive. 

So what happens when my heart gets broken? It feels like dying a little and living a little. It is beautiful and yet painful at the same time. It is almost like grasping for air, as if I am drowning, yet I am breathing above water. I used to want to run away - as fast and as far as I can, until my lungs give out, until I throw up for lack of breath, until my legs give in, until my head pounds and until my sweat meets with my tears. 

Every heartache and heartbreak brings a familiar and new lesson at the same time. I must be learning little from my past experiences because I seem to repeat the same thing over again; or maybe I’m just a slow learner; or maybe it is a beautifully woven story with its unexpected twists and turns, never destined to end with a heartbreak. I am a feel-good movie; I am the funny story in a romantic comedy; I am the heartwarming scene in an amazingly written love story. 

This is my story; story of love unrequited, or love that just isn’t right at the moment. 

My heart is cunning. It is relentlessly in-love. It aches for love and for love it lives for. And with it, I am alive. 

As I ascend the stairs

As I ascend the stairs from the platform to the station, I find myself realising two things: that I no longer want to run and that I choose”oops” than a “what if” in my life. 

My memory is still serving me well and I can remember very clearly how it felt in the past; how a heartache like this felt. For the first time since my very first heartbreak, I no longer want to run. 

I am staying put. I am going to see through the end of this. No more running. For the first time, I don’t wish for this to be over. I want to understand what this is all about and I want to live through it, and not just be done with it. 

It is never a fun feeling. It is always excruciating but it makes me feel so alive. I ask myself, what is this teaching me? 

For the first time, I am actually choosing, the experience, over what if. I am living rather than overthinking. The goal is to have something to reflect on, and not just overthink. 

Keep moving

People say I am admirable; that I am tough, I am a strong woman. These words ring in my ear in times when I reminisce about better days or when I try to reach for something to inspire me. I borrow what other people think who I am and then proceed from there. There are a lot of times that I don’t feel any of those. I feel like I am scared, always have been scared, I feel very timid, lost at times. The times when I pull myself together are the times when I remember faking it. These people, even the ones I am close with don’t seem to know much about me. I don’t know who does. Sometimes I forget who I am as I get lost in my thoughts and conception of who I am and who I am trying to be. 

I want to be strong. I want be brave. I want to be determined. I want to succeed. I want to conquer my fears. I realised that the more important things in life are not the moments we we are basking in the glory of our successes and victories, or wallowing in the depths of our sorrow, misery or depression. I realised that no matter how outstanding, how great, and how momentous an achievement is, it is fleeting. It will soon fade and people and maybe I will forget when my I reach my physical boundaries. I suppose the more important thing to be good at is to move on, to keep moving on; to know how to work back on my feet after a celebrating a success or to keep on pushing and looking for better ways to achieve a goal after experiencing defeat. 

I have always dreamed big. I thought for a time that I was going to be a princess. I don’t know how but I felt it, I felt very sure about it, as sure as I can breathe air. I have always wanted to work in a multicultural environment - this i can say I am living right now, and I am still over the moon thinking about where I am. I have always wanted to travel the world, to be a flag-bearer of the Philippines in something glorious - be a national treasure, just like Patricia. I can feel it still, there is that strong nagging feeling of greatness trapped inside;Of greatness wanting to become;  of adventure wanting to be lived.

I feel like I am at the threshold of something great - for me, for my family, for my loved ones, my love life, my career. I am excited. I am excited to live. 

The direction is not the goal; it is how you live your life while taking that direction that should be. How fulfilled, how happy, how determined we are while traveling in our chosen directions that makes life worth living. 

Second Letter to Myself

Lady Gail Margaret Pelayo:

Dear Gail, 

I'm glad that you realized how powerful you can become when you make yourself your own bestfriend. You have a cheerleader, sounding board, mentor, motivator, friend, and a-shoulder-to-cry-on all rolled into one. Isn't it nice to not have to look for someone to fit the bill? I can sense how you feel that this moment when you realize that you can rely on yourself has the most potential to carry you through the best and worst of times. 

You are overflowing with emotions right. I can see how you understand that this can be attributed to your monthly cycle. Again, good job for being attentive and for not allowing fear to overcome you. It seems like you are doing really well these days. Looking back, you would be panicking right now with everything that is happening, particularly with what has happened to you and Jason. You are a slave of your heart and i'm glad to witness you becoming a little bit more resilient to these kinds of blow your submissive heart. Just a little bit. Your recovery time has significantly gone shorter and you are becoming more adept at understanding how these things work. 

There's a plethora of issues, you think, that you are confronted with but I want to encourage you to keep on moving, to keep on doing what you need to do, and do what you can do best. Sometimes the best that we can do is to let go and let life surprise us, right? You know what, i have a good feeling about all of these. I can sense a breakthrough at your doorstep; that all of this has a great ending. There is a saying that says, it's going to be alright in the end; if things are not alright yet, then it's not yet the end.

I will get back to you and maybe hope even that i can put all my musings in one place so i can go back to how and who i was in the past. 

Love, 

You

11 Feb 2016

+61 423 774 284:

Dear Gail, 

I'm glad that you realized how powerful you can become when you make yourself your own bestfriend. You have a cheerleader, sounding board, mentor, motivator, friend, and a-shoulder-to-cry-on all rolled into one. Isn't it nice to not have to look for someone to fit the bill? I can sense how you feel that this moment when you realize that you can rely on yourself has the most potential to carry you through the best and worst of times. 

You are overflowing with emotions right now. I can see how you understand that this can be attributed to your monthly cycle. Again, good job for being attentive and for not allowing fear to overcome you. It seems like you are doing really well these days. Looking back, you would be panicking right now with everything that is happening, particularly with what has happened to you and Jason. You are a slave of your heart and i'm glad to witness you becoming a little bit more resilient to these kinds of blow your submissive heart. Just a little bit. Your recovery time has significantly gone shorter and you are becoming more adept at understanding how these things work. 

There's a plethora of issues, you think, that you are confronted with but I want to encourage you to keep on moving, to keep on doing what you need to do, and do what you can do best. Sometimes the best that we can do is to let go and let life surprise us, right? You know what, i have a good feeling about all of these. I can sense a breakthrough at your doorstep; that all of this has a great ending. There is a saying that says, it's going to be alright in the end; if things are not alright yet, then it's not yet the end.

I will get back to you and maybe hope even that i can put all my musings in one place so i can go back to how and who i was in the past. 

Love, 

You

A letter to the universe

Dear universe, 

When will this heartache and ambivalence end? This is like a broken record playing over and over again. Am I so stupid to not learn my lesson every single time? I want to move on from Jason! Please let me move on from Jason. 

K. Thanks. Bye. 

Love, Gail 

A letter to myself - A first of many

Dear Gail, 

I am quite happy to be writing to you and not any of your temporary, volatile self. It seems that you have finally found a more stable side to yourself. It could also be that your hormones are at rest right now hence why you are mostly in control of your emotional and mental state. Regardless, it is good to be talking to you. 

I am still proud of what you have been able to accomplish for yourself. You are going through an interesting phase where in you are not as ‘stressed’ or frazzled - as aussies would call it - despite different things happening all at once. You seem to have accepted the temporariness of your living situation, despite the toll it has on your mildly OCD personality. You are still able to operate well and do what needs to be done - not exactly what you want but again, this is acceptable. 

I am surprised with how you are handling your ‘relationship’ - if you want to call it that - with Jason; how you end up in this situation still baffles me but you are here and somehow, there is this feeling of being above it, of not being entirely affected by it. It is mysteriously interesting, for lack of a better way to describe how I perceive it. I am sure that I will be able to describe it better next time. How long you will continue and will want to continue this is something that is still up in the air and might be entirely dependent on your will alone and whether he finds another woman to play with. I trust that you will be able to settle this with yourself, amicably. 

I want to say a lot more about this mature relations you have with him but I also want to write down more of what runs in my mind for my own peace, so I will get back to you on this. I will. There’s a lot more to say particularly about your vulnerability.

Moving on, I notice how you are coming back with mostly positive thoughts particularly on days when confronted by fear and overwhelming uncertainty of the future, mostly the latter. We already know that you play a big role in your family’s life but it is only now that you are realising how you want to move forward, to get to the next level of your life, and how you want your family to do the same but these obligations left by your dad seems to be keeping you and everyone from doing so. 

Not to mention your sister’s own challenges that makes her a burden to the whole family. That’s a bit harsh isn’t it? To call her a burden. It is, and I must apologise - that is not right. If I had been in her situation, I am so sure that I would have been bad as well. She has shown so much resilience in all of these, all these years. Let’s do what we can Gail to help her as much as we can and look forward, hope for the best. We seem to have lots of it now and we will make use of that. 

As for your brothers, let’s continue praying for them. Just like what the medium told you, from your mom, they are fine. You don’t have to worry about them anymore. They are old enough to take care of themselves. 

Can I just say that you have trust issues? Maybe that’s what it is. You have taken the responsibility most of your life that you don’t think people, especially the ones that you care for can take care of themselves. Well, listen to this, because I have just recently realised this as well after that trip to Manila, together with all the revelations you have, that you have been carrying with you - it’s okay to let them be and to let go and importantly its okay to trust people, even if they don’t meet your expectations. Nothing is perfect, let things happen the way they should and stop controlling things for them to be perfect. There is beauty and goodness in imperfections. 

That was quite a handful but I think that needs to be said so that you can think and remember it and eventually live it. 

As for what you want to achieve i.e. permanent residency and promotion, and what your heart desires i.e. a partner in life - I think you should continue being positive and do what you can within your power so that at the end, when you realise whether you get them or not, you will have no regrets. You will understand that it really wasn’t for you if you have done what you can and still didn’t get it. 

Continue talking to me, Gail. Let’s sort out as much as we can so that you can be at peace. I think that is doable, I think that you are in the threshold of a breakthrough, a big one. 

I’ll give you sometime to breakdown your thoughts so that next time, we’ll have more to talk about. 

I must say, I am liking this conversation. Hopefully, you get to write down in the future a good reflection of all of this. Don’t forget that you still owe a 33rd and 34th birthday essay. 

Talk to you soon. 

Gail 

A letter to my frazzled self

Dear frazzled self, 

How good is it to stand by yourself? I would like to give you a big, warm hug and congratulate you for consciously making a decision to hold your ground when impulse pushes you to blame yourself for not having known better. There seems to be a lot changing in you and they all look like good, positive changes, a result of your own struggles at improving yourself. 

The advice of the last person who you thought was a bane to your existence resonated today. Believe in yourself. She may not have shown or said it in ways reflective of her trust in your abilities but that statement speaks a lot about how your insecurity overpowered your performance most of the time. Now is the time to turn things around for your good and for the better. 

Be kind to yourself Gailey. You are your own ally and you always forget that (actually, you may have realised it just now). Be your own best friend. Don't wait for others to cheer you up; cheer yourself up. Help yourself as well as you help others. I can sense that excitement within you for the all great things that could happen and I hope that you cultivate that more than any old habits. 

It's good to hold on to little bits of reminders telling you to dream and speak of your future as if it is the most definite thing in the world; as if it is the most obvious occurrence to take place. We can never be sure of what will happen tomorrow but it doesn't mean we have to live in fear of its uncertainty. 

It's good to see how you can reflect bravely on the events of these past days. I'm proud of you. You have come a long way. There are still bouts of your old, scared, paranoid self that fights its way amidst the chaos of emotions you already have but I am glad to see that you are not scared anymore. You can calmly look at it and it doesn't have as much power over you. 

I hope someday, you are not as frazzled when I talk to you again. 

Love, 
Your calm alter-ego

Letter to my struggling self

Dear struggling self, 

I am amazed at the resilience you are showing despite the turmoil within, or should I say, composure. You are not alien to this situation, in fact, you have been here more times than I think you can handle, which is in itself a feat of impressive count. I would have wished that you are luckier in love though; that would have made your life less imperfect. 

You are here again, nevertheless and we both have to face it. Although you know this already, you are managing really well. You know that you need to hear this, even from yourself; most especially from yourself. You are now outstandingly good at keeping more than a straight face to people, even to the one who is causing you this terrible, terrible heartache. 

My hope is that you find someone who you can cry to who wouldn't ask why you are crying and will be content in asking if you have let out everything you needed to at that time; that would be divine. 

Until then, I hope you find the courage to cry on your own as normally and courageously as you would. 

Love, 
Gail