I choose to love in silence

I have always been outspoken and vocal about my thoughts and emotions. I am not the type of person who will sit around and wait for someone to read me and ask me what's wrong. I proactively offer my thoughts to other people and tell them what's wrong. In the first place I am not that hard to read. One would know something is bugging me because I cannot hide it. Its written all over me: in my eyes, in my face, in the lack of smile and the silence you'll hear from me.

But now I feel the need to keep silent. I feel the need to be alone with thoughts. I feel the need to refuse to talk about this. Because I feel the need to run away. I think I have said so much in the past few days - in the last month. There are quite a few who knows what I am going through and I feel that its time for me to keep still.

I choose to love in silence and decided not to let him know because as one of my friend says, I don't want to be an option. I don't want to be an event - just another event in his life. I don't want him to know that he has me because I never chose him. I never wanted him before. I didn't know this was coming.

He was the only choice I have. I had nothing else apart from him. It was as if he was force-fed into me. So for me to give him the benefit of having an option is unfair. Because I know I deserve to be more than an option. I have to be the choice. The only choice.

He did not intend for me to fall because he never wanted to catch me in the first place. But I did, and I am trying to pick myself up. I may be doing this for the first time and I don't know to what extent I will be able to hold this up. But I want to be still and I want to be silent.

For now.

When Shit Happens I dont want to hear...

1. OK lng yan, Kaya mo yan or ok ka lang ba?

2. Ganyan talaga ang buhay

3. Maybe you are not destined to be for each other or You will find someone better or he's not your match

4. Lalake lang yan maraming lalake dyan.

Happy

I realized that when I am praying, I am happiest the most when I get to the part when I start praying for him. I have been praying to God to allow my heart to let him go and let him love according to HIs will. I have asked that I be allowed to just love him unselfishly. And that means being at peace with the fact that he will never be able to like me the way that I like him.

Would you rather.....

Pain makes us give bad decisions; fear of pain makes us equally incapable of making sound ones. - Dr. House

..the question is, would you rather be in pain or always fear it?

Moving on

I want to move on..

My heart wants me to believe in what I want to happen But my mind wants to protect my heart so it tries to deny what the heart is saying.

I want to make my Mind stronger. I have to.

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Thoughts for the day

1. We must never analyze the actions of men. They mean nothing.

2. The best way of getting over someone is getting under a new one --> Not my thought, heard this in the pantry.

3. Make your personal sufferings redemptive. They are intended for something greater.

Worth It

I was suppose to write something about my migraine attack. I just thought I'd write this down first.
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People complain about dwindling funds, time spent on some leisurely or not-so-leisurely activity, and even effort exerted for a cause. They whine about having spent so much on a particular item or just how time consuming their affairs were. But when I asked them, "did you enjoy what you have just done?", they answer affirmatively. Its not a secret; People has this tendency to count the stuff they lose instead of looking at what was left and what was gained. I sometimes fail to understand as well, why even after having enjoyed what they have done, people tend to be sad about becoming poor again - having less funds to disburse, I guess; having less time to spend doing more - when in fact they never really lost anything; they have gained more.

My point is, when you can genuinely say that you've enjoyed what you have used your funds for and when you think it has helped you become a better person in the process, what was lost to you is worth it.

Although of course it still doesn't erase the fact that you no more have funds to spend again.

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Thank Erika for Excedrin. She gave me a bottle which contains around 20 tablets more or less to fight off migraine when it attacks. It's miracle takes effect in less than two hours from the time I gulp it in.

Thank God for medicines. bow.

New Year's entry

Inspired by: Catch me I'm fallin' - Toni Gonzaga
Stolen - Dashboard Confessional

I don’t know why
but when i look in your eyes
I feel something that seems so right
You’ve got yours i’ve got mine
I think i’m losing my mind
'Cause i shouldn’t feel this way

Catch me i’m falling for you
And i don’t know what to do

How can something so wrong
Feel so right all along?
Catch me i’m falling for you
How can time be so wrong
For love to come along?
Catch me i’m falling for you
How can love let it go
When it has no place to go
And i can’t go along pretending
That love isn’t here to stay
Catch me i’m falling for you ooh ooh

I am opening the year with welcome heartache (I can say that openly!). I have every intention to move on but I will take my time and will talk myself out of this. My boss said that I should stop analyzing and just accept there is nothing going on in his side of the coin. Fine. That is what I have been trying to make myself believe, until this very moment. I'm happy I'm not as depressed as before. There are a lot of realizations and a lot of things to look forward to.

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart.....

And I am getting it back.

No need to lose Christmas weight

I did not gain any. I was listening to a radio station and their main topic for conversation was how to lose the weight gained during the holidays. I smiled at the thought that that's the least of my worries. If anything, I shed some pounds. Not that there were no food to enjoy (come to think of it, we had a little less than a feast last Christmas), I was just not ready for the holidays; I was preoccupied with another thing - to say the least. Most of my jeans got a bit loose and now I have to keep on pulling them up to keep them where they should hang.

Going to through a heartbreak during the holidays is not the most convenient and might be a masochistic way of loosing the pounds but I guess it still has a positive effect on the body. Don't get me wrong, I am not elated that I haven't gained weight during the holidays. If I am to choose, I'd rather have this dilemma of shrinking back to my old body size than going through a heartbreak.

It was a funny and teary holiday though.