I choose to love in silence

I have always been outspoken and vocal about my thoughts and emotions. I am not the type of person who will sit around and wait for someone to read me and ask me what's wrong. I proactively offer my thoughts to other people and tell them what's wrong. In the first place I am not that hard to read. One would know something is bugging me because I cannot hide it. Its written all over me: in my eyes, in my face, in the lack of smile and the silence you'll hear from me.

But now I feel the need to keep silent. I feel the need to be alone with thoughts. I feel the need to refuse to talk about this. Because I feel the need to run away. I think I have said so much in the past few days - in the last month. There are quite a few who knows what I am going through and I feel that its time for me to keep still.

I choose to love in silence and decided not to let him know because as one of my friend says, I don't want to be an option. I don't want to be an event - just another event in his life. I don't want him to know that he has me because I never chose him. I never wanted him before. I didn't know this was coming.

He was the only choice I have. I had nothing else apart from him. It was as if he was force-fed into me. So for me to give him the benefit of having an option is unfair. Because I know I deserve to be more than an option. I have to be the choice. The only choice.

He did not intend for me to fall because he never wanted to catch me in the first place. But I did, and I am trying to pick myself up. I may be doing this for the first time and I don't know to what extent I will be able to hold this up. But I want to be still and I want to be silent.

For now.