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SO I started my role as a trainer - Associate Trainer at that because I'm still on a probationary period, what they call as the internship term. It is challenging and exciting; there are a lot of things to look forward to and also constant psyching to do in order to get on with the trainer mode. I am still, quite unfortunately, taking calls for escalation but not the whole day. Honestly, I haven't got much to say about my new post. I am thankful that they - the management, has finally agreed to release me but I feel a growing fear within me saying that I might not be able to perform the job well but then again I am trying to do away with the pessimism. I just hope everything works out well for me.

What's bugging you?

One friend is battling age-old insecurities, probably more; another one troubled because she is hard-pressed to choose between loyalty and truth; some other colleagues I know are struggling at work, with policies and people they unfortunately are with; an officemate recently learned that her mom has the big C; and my cousin is determined to keep up with her current lifestyle even in the throes of a financial quandary.

What's keeping me occupied? A dream scholarship, an ideal job, financial struggles, worries over a depressed dad and unemployed sister. Sometimes, I whine about the things I have to worry about not that I don't realize I might just be expecting too much from an imperfect world. The thing is, the world is as perfect as it can be. Things happen as they should; people meet, greet, talk, fall in and out of love, quarrel, laugh, and so on and so forth as they should, and shit happens even when we beg the mercy of the powers that be to postpone it to some other day. The harsh reality is that the world will continue on turning regardless if I choose to move on or not. The decision is mine and I am going to make it.

Hoping for better things to come? Definitely.

Flashes of Light

There's this untiring spirit within me that is yearning and waiting to be free; to see the world and live life just how it unfolds; to muster the courage to go through pain, difficulties, challenges, and what-have-yous, and come out better, stronger, happier, and more thankful. Right now, there is one dominating desire in me: to travel and conquer different places - get to know other cultures and learn about how life is and maybe, just maybe find a little of piece of myself in every country. Not too long ago, I was afraid I've lost this passion; this passion about life, about the goodness there is, the greatness that is always waiting to unfold, the love that is always there to be shared, laughters that never fails to lighten one's load, friendships that make challenges more bearable, the dream that is worth following and the destiny that is waiting to be fulfilled. I've prayed so hard for it to come back. Four years from that time, it finally came alive again.

I thought about what life will I look back at when I sit on a rocking chair, 50 or 60 years from now. I thought about death and how it will take my life from me. I thought about how much I am trying to preserve the life I have, instead of just simply living it. Fear is eating me whenever I think of gruesome, brutal, and not to mention painful ways of dying. May I be worthy to receive the gift of dying after having gone through everything that my heart and spirit desires, regardless whether I am capable of putting them to words today. May I be strong enough to go through the ups and downs of life - climbing a mountain, running a race, crossing a river or sea, winning a challenge, or just simply finishing a task.

May the day comes when at the moment of sunset, as the world bids goodbye to another day, and say hello to another night, will I also close my eyes and embrace the call of the after life, never losing the passion to live even in death and welcoming the challenge beyond.

Devil's Advocate

I once tried to squeeze my brains and heart out for that one thing that will make me happy. An occupation, a job, or passion that I would want to do for the rest of my life. I know for one thing that it has something to do with international affairs but I am not sure in what field. Something in me, tells me that though development work is a good field, and fairly noble at that, it is not meant for me. While going through the hazards and pains and yes, sometimes the comforts of my job, I found what I have long been looking for. I wanted to deal with conflict and crisis management. I somehow feel its a lot closer to what I have been currently doing, which is complaints management. Even I was surprised when I realized that this is something I could really work on.

Now, having known this, brings me to another dilemma: looking for an alternative. Why am I doing this after having gone through the pains of searching for it, I asked myself as I type away words that will complete this entry. I know, its because I think, I am trying to gauge if this is really what I want to do. I am trying to test whether the temptations of comfort, of an easier life will make me want to take back my decision. After thinking of a viable alternative, like teaching English in Korea, or becoming a full-pledged trainer of some sort, I realized that later on, it will never fill that empty space that only my passion for international affairs can fill. If probably, training will have something to do with training new negotiators or policy analyst or peacemakers or keepers, then I guess that'll do. But I want to make sure that there's no turning back. I want to be my own devil's advocate because I want to be responsible for this decision.