Limbo

I don’t want to understand it. This situation is as trite as the saying, ‘been there, done that’. There is nothing more to say and to explain to myself. 

I have probably heard all the possible rationale from myself, from the people around me, and from wisdom of others who have gone through the same ordeal of unrequited affection. The well of tears that once was full is now dry and tired. No more tears to shed. Just plain dry pain. 

I cannot understand why this has to happen at the time when my father is struggling with his life and I, together with my siblings are trying to pull ourselves together to make ends meet, to be strong for our father, for ourselves. 

I am tired. I am hurt. But I am learning. 

And maybe this is what it takes for the message to be heard. 

Just like any other day that starts with a sunrise and ends with a sunset, it is just what it is. 

There is no redemptive ending to look forward to. 

There is just living and moving on. Sunrise and sunset. 

It feels like forever. 

I don’t know what value this has to you Lord. 

Because it just hurts a lot. I don’t know what You do with pain like this. 

I want to say that I want this to be over but I know that I also don’t want it. 

I want to learn from this. I want to see myself through this; at least feel myself be brave about facing this.