Crossroads

“Lord, help me not to fear to suffer”

I am at a crossroads of my life. I do not know which way to go. NO one standing in the same position has lesser difficulty than what I am dealing with right now. Each has its own complicated situations and no one is spared from it. I think things would have been a little easier if my mom is still here. But she is not. So I am left here to handle things that I have no idea of solving on my own.

I am afraid to make decisions at this point in my life. I keep on thinking what if I make a decision and it turns out that it was not such a wise decision and what if instead of bringing good, it brought more damage to me and most importantly to my family. I am always thinking of their welfare nowadays. Ever since my mom died, I cannot help but think if we would end up in the same kind of fate or I would live to see another one of my loved ones suffer that dreadful sickness.

I have a fear of suffering. I have seen my mother suffer from cancer. During those painful days, we have been awakened by the hopeless wail of my mom because of the pain. She used to wake up in the middle of the night shaking from we-don’t-know-what. When she still had her health, she used to recount the days when as teenagers they would have to work for their daily food, how they have to sleep through the discomfort of hunger and allow only those who have exams the next day to eat dinner when they do not have enough, how they are bereft of the material things we enjoy now and how they celebrate when they have extra money to spare for movies or a plate of pansit and a bottle of cola.

I promised myself then that I would let my mom enjoy what they have been deprived of when she was our age. I saw how my mom and dad sacrificed so that they could provide for us the things that they themselves were never fortunate to have. Even when we were in better position, they still choose to deprive themselves just to make sure that we have enough….more than enough. Now that she is gone, all I can do is to wonder and ask, what if she is alive? How different could have things turn out? Of course, there is still my dad. But I guess, I was closer to my mom because for the first 20 years of life, my formative life, she was the one with me, guiding me and teaching me the ways of life and how to live it courageously.

I used to worry over our situation, about my siblings and my father. I always think that if they go home late in the evening something bad must have happened to them. I always worry about my dad and how he is taking everything and if he is still depressed with the death of my mom. I think about my sister and if she is overwhelmed by her insecurities. I think about the future of my twin nieces and how I could help them grow up to be better persons.

God talked to me and answered my prayers. He told me that what I am going through right now is not a punishment but a gift, a special kind of gift. He told me that there is no other way for me to learn about life and its beauty without going through this stage, this road. I asked Him so many times before if He could spare me and if He could give me another road to travel on. I was hoping he’d change his answer.

I attended a retreat with that question on my mind. I went home with the same reply from God. But this time, I brought home with me acceptance and understanding that there is just no other way for me to go. I went to a retreat hoping there are other things I need to learn. Probably I was not listening enough. Probably, there are still things that God wanted to tell me. And He actually had a couple.

He told me, I would have to suffer but I need not suffer ungracefully. I understand that it is like He has opened a sixth sense in me in that I am now more capable of enjoying even the littlest things around me. I do get to enjoy the sight of flowers. I appreciate children’s presence. I am more thankful now of what I have no matter how little or big. I thank God for the six pesos I have in my pocket, an extra from the previous day when I went on a job interview because that would only mean that I have an extra six pesos for my tricycle fare to another interview. And even in the face of inevitable suffering, I cannot stop wondering how great God is for allowing me to live and survive all the other challenges I’ve been through and how I know He will get me out of that same situation again.

It is true that when one is confronted by so much suffering and is in great desperation, the wisest thing to do is to say, “Thank you Lord God”. Right now, I still don’t know which way to go or what to do next, but I don’t worry as much. I have put my faith in God and I am 100% sure I am in good hands. I realized that it is not so important to know what is in the future or where I am headed. The thought of understanding why things happen does not really appeal to me anymore and knowing the logic and reason becomes more and more insignificant. I just know that I need to concentrate on the now and face life as it is.

I told God, “Okay, I think I understand better and I think I’m ready for what You have for me.” And then He replied,”Very well then, fasten your seatbelt and get ready coz, we will have a bumpy ride.” I need not fear. God is my driver.