Resting

I am now 15 days unemployed and it felt like a month or so. I have been occupied with so many things. And thankfully some of those have been good events. I have been accepted in an externship program. Its a part time internship, and we are to handle projects and have it accomplished by the end of May. I feel excited and I am already looking forward to our meetings and to the project I am going to handle. Also I learned from an ex-officemate who is fortunately or unfortunately (but of the latter) that she is thinking about hiring me as a temporary marketing assistant. I don't think its bad at all. I think its perfect especially when I am in the process of discerning my calling.

There have been so many thoughts running through my mind now. Just last April 2, I felt a wave of ideas come to me and I sensed the need to write it down. I just scribbled on my little note pad thoughts such as, "freedom in a glass casing", remind me again why i am here and some other phrases that I cannot remember right now. The bad thing is, I was not able to write it down completely. Another case of my laziness.

Just early this morning, while hearing mass - it's the birthday of my mom - I realized that I am in a fairly difficult situation, as always. I feel like I always need to submit to the wishes of my father even if there seems to be nothing logical nor reasonable in his demands. My hands are tied because I can't seem to do anything good. There is always the worry that something I have done or something I am about to do will not pass the approval of my dad. And its just frustrating.

Here I am, a college graduate and I have every right in the world to claim my independence and the one person that prevents me from doing it is the same person who made it possible for me to earn this right. I feel so restricted and I feel that my growth as a person has been stifled, all because of the insecurities of my dad triggered by the death of my mom.

It's a complicated life when it should not be in the first place.