Irony

I am an irony. A big walking contradiction. People would probably laugh at me when they know what’s going on in my life. Even I take a crack at myself sometimes..most of the time..only that its not anything of the funny stuff..its more of regret, of shame, of pity and self-doubt, of being my own best enemy. SO this is how it feels, the tumultuous period in one’s life. I don’t know how others get through it or even experience it. Soul-searching..I’ve got my life to find.

I feel useless. I get mad at everybody. My patience begins to snap at the first instance of friction. Selflessness is nowhere to be found. Its all about me. What will I do? Where will I be? Who will I become? What will I achieve? Even I tire hearing myself for these things. I used to be so irritated with my sister because I thought she was doing no good to our family, before. I was so sure that she’ll get nowhere with the way she’s acting. Doing the things she wishes to do without thinking of others, not minding how they might feel. I thought of myself as a savior for our family. I delighted at all the luxuries they have provided because I knew I was going to be THE ONE who will provide for them. I did not only delight, I demanded the very pleasures I wanted, because I believed these were wise investments on the future, on our future.

No need to go to the details of where I am. Can’t elaborate on the depressing state where I am. All the heavens and earth conspired to humble me. Something I needed, really. I know most of you will say..Youre not in such a bad situation..Yes, I am not..i must admit..I am not. Im just too fatalistic about the future.

I put my essence into what I can give to my family. I put value into the things I can provide and stop at that. When I say to others that its not the case, funny me, its how it is to me.. My value as a person, as a member of this family has all boiled down to giving back what they have given to me. Material insecurity.

Somebody tell me loud and clear, this is not the way things are…somebody please..