I resolve

I resolve


I don’t even want to start with how I feel today ‘coz I know I just suck. I haven’t been much of a help around here. My systems are down and I’m probably in the third to the last level of being totally depressed. Not yet totally, but I don’t want to wait for me to reach the abyss of life. There’s just so many damn things that get the nerves in my mind to overload and honestly, I don’t know how I’m gonna figure all things out or how I’m gonna survive this situation.

I’ve got lots of friends and I know that theirs are ears willing to listen to the sufferings of a comrade. But even I get sooooooo tired of listening to my own rumblings. I feel that at the back of their minds are the comments, “here we go again” or “we’ve been through this before” or maybe even, “don’t you ever learn” and worst, “this gal really has a thing for self-pity”. And I know I would just simply be devastated to hear or even know even the slightest comment similar to the phrases above said about me.

What happened to me? I don’t want and I am trying to keep the reason that my mom just died because even if the heaven’s fall and God reprimand me personally, she would never be here, anymore, not in this lifetime. I don’t also want to allude to how our family is being rained on by so many tribulations that I get depressed and bogged down when I see that I couldn’t do a thing about it. I hate the feeling of helplessness. And I just can’t get it out of my mind that I’ve been given so many things hoping that I would be their savior in the future, which is today, but now, I’m really messed up.

Now I’m in front of our computer, trying to resolve everything going on in my life. If there’s one thing that keeps me hanging on to the promises of what they say, “it’s good to be alive”, its my faith. I’m not at all proud that I’ve come to reached this point in my life but I sure am very much thankful that I’ve got my faith to take care of the much more complicated stuff. There is one thing going in my mind right now that im sure of. I know that I just want to drop this in front of my God and say, “Hey, I can’t do this anymore. I can no longer carry even an ounce of burden, vividly picture my dreams, and fulfill responsibilities that are on my shoulders right now. I don’t want to think that I’m in control and that I’ll be able to get things straight anymore or if I’m ever gonna get things right in my life. Right now, there is only one thing in my life I know is in the right track. And that’s You, Father God. I’m willing to let go of everything and every one right at this very moment. I don’t have the power and the strength to face life carrying all of these things. It’s you I depend on. I’m ready to throw everything away at your command. Make me yours and yours only.”

It is the only thing that keeps me fighting and hoping that someday or maybe tomorrow I’m gonna be out of this thing. That I’ll truly be happy because I’ve let go of all the things that hinder me from being with my God. And I must say, this only Thing, my FAITH, that keeps me hanging on, is really something…Ad majorem Dei Gloriam.