I can still vividly remember the moment when in my prayers I asked God to draw me closer to HIm. I know from experience that every time I get the courage to ask for this, it never fails to be followed by a dilemma - usually concerning my family. IT never fails to bring me down on my knees but not for long. Soon thereafter, I am again drawn to the world and would sooner have to remind myself to ask God for the same providence. And the cycle continues.
This predicament I am in is a breakaway from that cycle, to say the very least. God probably got tired of chasing me around trying to keep me on my knees longer. He probably figured out that this is the best way to go even if it will hurt me the most. And He also found a way to keep me kneeling longer than I would usually do.
I have my heart broken, again. Same intensity just like the first time, almost ten years ago. Right now, I am still in the process of figuring whether I have brought this upon myself or it is something bound to happen regardless of my circumstance. Did I fall in love with the idea of love, and the person who caught my affections is love personified? Was I too eager to fall in love that fate decided to play a joke on me and allowed me to make a fool out of myself by falling for an undetermined-right-or-not-so-right-person? I have made peace with myself and accepted the fact that I am going through this, and that sooner rather than later, despair is inevitable. What is rather peculiar about this is that there were no promises made, no confessions of love, no commitments to keep - there was only the comfort of a friend and the warmth of laughter shared together.
"If I tell you "I Love You" you shouldn't wonder why, or how, or since when or for how long because I wouldn't have a single answer except to tell you again"
I don't have any reasons for feeling this way. I have been trying to go back my tracks to see where I have started falling but I reckon even if I do find the answer that is not enough for me to stop. There simply is no reason for loving him. I find it hard to believe at first, for surely there should be a reason. I cannot find one however.
What I did find in myself was an understanding that somehow, some things has to change. Its not the type of change just to please him or make him swoone over me. I dont think that decision to change whether it becomes apparent or not will make any difference in our relationship. Its a change brought by a realization that I can't go on forever living my life too defensively. I have to cut back on my meanness and be a bit more sensitive to others. This experience is making me want to become a better person. I have shunned hurt and mistaken this as a sign of strength but now I realized, that I have am still as vulnerable as before.
I am a staunch believer that when we love we do not seek to change a person or think that our love can change him or her. We love the person for he or she is and he or she has to offer. I have also determined before that I will fall in love with the person who would be able to help me control my mean streaks. But I realized that I have fallen for a person who doesn't have to tell me I have to stop. He is making me to want to stop even if he doesn't ask me to do so. He hasn't offered me anything but I am making an offer to myself because of how I feel for him.
In an attempt to understand my situation, although I have my doubts whether the answer will be given to me, I have been moved to pray the rosary and to go to mass everyday. I have even offered a novena for him. I have been quite determined to win this - not particularly him - battle for me (although the battle lines seems blurred) because its only now I have seen the extent of my relationship with people. I take pride that I am able to keep good friends and healthy relationships but it never occured to me before that there are things that needs to be changed in terms of how I deal with them. I have always been sarcastic and I usually have a funny comment on most issues. They have been gracious enough to accomodate me and never really minded my sarcasms. I guess its only now that I have seen a bigger picture.
In the end, my prayers were answered, only in a bittersweet way. I have to remind myself to think twice before asking the next time because He never fails to give.
