Speed Dating

It was a challenge that I never had plans of taking. In as much as I want people to see me as someone who never backs down from a challenge, I do, especially when I'm not very sure of myself. And the challenge that speed dating offers is not something that I see myself ever taking.

But they were paying for it. Charge it to experience. Do it for fun. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. If I were a lot younger, I'd do it, says Nikki. It's not as if you will get married after. All you need to do is to ask questions. What could go wrong? What's the worst thing that could happen? Who can refuse their offer? They were very persistent and wouldn't take my excuses at all. So I went to this Speed Dating event on Vday, as mentioned in the email forwarded to me. And then it happened. Period.

It was nothing great. It was my first time but I know that it's not how an ideal speed dating event should go. There were rounds when I was not talking to some one because of the lack of men, rounds when men weren't moving to another table, and yes despite the lack of men, times when some men do not know where to go to or were waiting for the next round to commence.

It was not the chaos and confusion that transpired during the event that made it memorable. It was the feeling and realization that I had that moved me to write it here. For one to find a match, both participants, should like each other and this is expressed by putting a check mark on the number representing the person on the pieces of paper that each participant has. I like JoPo, he is number 11. I already saw him even before the actual event started and I thought I'd never get the chance to speak with him because he started so far from me. The disorganized flow of men moving from one table to another made it seem impossible that he'd reach my table. But he did. And I got to talk to him.

Now call me shallow, which sometimes may be the case, but I like him because he is cute. I mean, what can you get out of a person in a span of 3 minutes? Apart from the fact that I know he just moved here from Cali and that JoPo stands for Jose Paolo and that he works in an advertising firm, in an office located just at the back of our building, there is nothing more that I can get hold of.

Maybe that's all that I have to know to feel again how 'unlikable' or 'undesirable' I am. This was I how felt way back in high school all through out college and in the early years of my working life. Every guy I like has somebody else as the apple of his eyes or worse, sometimes, is just not into me. I cried a little and I was sad for two days because of this. I never thought I still had this feeling towards me. I thought I was doing quite well particularly because would normally receive nowadays compliments which I never thought was possible before. And then this happened.

I have always been an advocate of believing in one's self, of one's inner beauty, of the uniqueness of each person but then this happened. Not that it completely destroyed everything, but it made a dent. Not even this experience would discredit the things I mentioned but for some reason, not having been liked back affected me that much. SO bad that I was telling people that I don't believe them when they throw a compliment at me. It was like being in the shoes of an old 'Gail' who never stopped comparing herself with every single person who walked past her.

I did get over it. Thank God! My cure, not surprisingly, was prayer. Lots and lots of it. I was saying to myself and asking at the same time why it had to happen. Why now? And then I realized that this is God's way to keep me consistent. I mean, things were getting better but even in the most ordinary and normal moments, I can falter, in my faith and in how I live my life. Liking someone is one of the most normal things that can happen, what could be wrong about it? But even in this case, God wants me to surrender and give it to Him. He doesn't want just my prayer life and my spiritual life, He wants everything from me and He wants me to trust Him. To trust and to put my focus back to Him.

A lot of my close friends and not-so-close friends, in reference to my civil status, always tell me that somewhere out there, the right person is just waiting. Some people say I simply have to wait for him; some people say I have to do something to make it happen. I guess for me, its about waiting for the right time when God would see me ready to enter into the kind of relationship I have been dreaming of.

I know that I will never regret taking on this challenge.