Just as i predicted, I was bound for another heartbreak. Not sure if I have really gotten over the first one; I tried to feel my chest and check if there is still pain - yep, its still there and now another lash at my recuperating heart. I need to stop while I still can. There is just no learning the lesson for me. I keep on falling knowing but being consciously blind that no one is ever there to catch me. Now, I'm starting to feel that growing old and spending the rest of my life with myself is something possible, not that I want it.
The tears have dried up and I'm guessing the only thing that'll make me cry is the thought of my mom. Other life-changing moments may just end up smashing themselves into a solid wall of numbness. Oh, i just hope no one is reading this. I really hope. Because its me and my lovesick moments again. I think these moments will never really stop until I learn to stop hurting myself.
No more falling for the nearness of you, for mr. responsible, mr. cool, mr. nice guy, mr. intelligent, mr. funny man - no more for me, for now. NO more expectations, no more assumptions, no more hopes and dreams in this aspect of my life, kilig moments, maybe yes, but no more looking forward to anything more. No more.
Call it living backwards; call it living in a lie; call it being coward. No more. No more. No more.
Make no mistake, in the midst of the 'no mores' is the 'getting busy living' part. I will seriously start chasing dreams and taking steps closer to building heaven here on earth, at least while I can.
Wish me luck. The best of luck there is. I'm not sure how long I will hold but I will have to learn the trick. I will have to learn how to be happy without this.
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