The weekend I got my life back

I didn't have any expectations. I almost backed out but I manage to compose myself, thinking, what have I got to lose? On Thursday night, I texted Tiny* that I'm thankful for what she has done to make this possible and for having high hopes for me. I didn't quite see what the point was of attending the getaway especially because I am Catholic and there are a lot of other Catholic retreats available out there. Maybe it was her enthusiasm; maybe it was the sense of adventure, or what was left of it in me; maybe because I didn't have the time to look for other retreats and my mandatory leave is just about to start; maybe it was because a lot of people kept asking me what I will do on my leave that I was obliged to say that I was going on a retreat just so I wouldn't look too much of a loser since a lot of them spent their leaves with so much to do and I had nothing, at least apart from the weekend getaway.

Or maybe it was divinely ordained.

I didn't have any expectations because I was already tired of expecting, of hoping that there is something better out there for me. Believe it or not, I, myself, am surprised to be thinking of this. Here I am, with a thriving career, lots of friends, and a family who supports me, and yet I feel like there is nothing much for me. I try to recall how it feels to be content and fulfilled but I can't seem to make my imagination work for me. So I did not hope for anything magical. I did not want to be disappointed because that's the last thing I need in this hope-deprived situation.

Good thing I'm not the captain of my ship. I'm very grateful I came. Because the weekend I got away was the weekend I got my life back.

I was willing to participate in anything (thank goodness I still have this in me!) because I was there and I am a great proponent of one-time-big-time. I always say to my trainees, not liking your current situation is not an excuse for performing poorly - a consolation you can get for having been led to an undesirable state is getting the most out of it. I try to live by this. And so not having anyone to speak with did not intimidate me, I just wanted to see if I can get the most out of the event. But again, it's a good thing I didn't steer my own wheel. I have allowed myself to go with the tide this time because I am to tired to do the paddling.

It started in the bus. My busmates were nice and really very warm. For talking to me and encouraging me that this is something that was designed by a divine wisdom, thank you. And then there was the grouping. It is indeed a blessing to have a lot of them under the "I" for I would not have easily warmed up to them. I have to admit that I was feeding from their energy first because I was the odd one out. Whereas they could all answer the question, "which service do you attend?", I can only say, I'm Catholic and was invited by a friend. God knew I was not easily going to give in, that I was not as open as I should be; but He knew exactly which nerve He needed to pinch to make me let go of my hesitations.

The first thing He said was that if I keep on chasing what this world has to offer, I'll never be content. Ouch! I keep on asking myself, what else is there for me? Though with a good career, I still can't say that there is nothing to look forward to but for some reason I lost all the zest to continue and to chase my dreams. I kept asking myself what's next if I get this? And so He finally said, 'chase the things of God and you will never know where it will lead you'.

Next He said, 'the desire for a relationship is a God-given desire'. That's probably the reason why even though I think I loved, its not the fulfilling kind of love that I feel. One of my roomies mentioned that though we suffer, God does not just simply intentionally wants us to suffer. He wants us to be happy and delighted. I thought for a while then that God only wants me to be hurt, for whatever reason, He designed things with a necessary pain attached to it. That's probably because I wasn't emotionally involved with God. I had my ideas of love but they're not actually what you can call godly discernments of love. They were more based on the standards of the world - love at first sight, ladies being swept off their feet and the likes.

I guess the best part of it all is when He finally spoke to me and said, give me everything, for I deserve no less than everything. He asked from me everything I was carrying within me. And He did it not once, not twice, but many times during the event. I was ready to give it all up to just run according to what the world demands, and for some reason, God saw this and did not allow for this to happen that's why He brought me to the getaway.

I found new friends, fun friends, people who I know also carry crosses but are too-full of God that they can't even bother with the crosses they bear. And through them God spoke to me still. Each one has a burden to bear but though that might be the case, they are not alone, I am not alone, because I have a Father, not in heaven, but here with me, right now.

I went to the Singles Weekend Getaway carrying nothing but a bruised heart and a tired spirit. I came back with a life refreshed by the love of God and comforted by His presence.

I came with nothing and yet returned with everything.

The weekend I went away was the weekend I got my life back.